Question: During our whole marriage, we have never been able to have a healthy relationship with how we view other people outside of our marriage and celebrities.
If I ever mention that I think a celebrity is attractive, my husband gets protective and weird about it. He asked me many questions and feels defensive. I feel like he has a very fragile ego. I try mentioning that to him and he gets even more defensive.
I don’t feel like I do anything wrong. I just mentioned that I think a person attractive but I am very good about expressing how much I love him and think he is the most attractive to me. Honestly looks amazing! Used to be a personal trainer and works out so much every day. So I know that part of his problem is he has a negative body image.
With his belief system he tells me, he feels like if you think anyone else is more attractive or if you think they are attractive, you should go after them instead.
This goes if any other people that we know personally. I don’t go into it too much really and my mind doesn’t either. I feel like I am pretty wholesome with my thoughts and I just noticed that other people might be a beautiful or attractive too. And especially if we ever do need to get remarried someday, I feel like this is a healthy part of a person to realize who you think is attractive or not. Plus, I think bantering about celebrities is fun sometimes. It is part of our culture.
As I did some of my own coaching, I came to the relization that is it OK to own it! But to also reassure him of my love. However I feel like it is a small battle I have never been able to figure out through our marriage that I am just so curious why he freaks out so much about it. It’s frustrating.
Answer: I think you already know the answer about why he freaks out. You said it. His ego is fragile. He is insecure about it. He makes you thinking someone is attractive me something about him. It is 100% okay for you to think other people are attractive. It sounds like you keep things within the bounds that are appropriate, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. It’s totally normal. But where I think you can do some more self-coaching is why it bothers you when he gets upset about it. As you know, you can’t change him. I don’t think pointing out his insecurities is helpful. But what can you do about things, how do you want to show up knowing that he is going to respond that way? That’s where your work is.