Question: On a lot of your calls you mention that you tell your spouse things like, “I’m sorry. I love you but that’s something you need to figure out on your own.” “I know that hurts your feelings but it’s not my job to take care of you.” (I’m paraphrasing).
If I said something like that I think my husband would find it belittling and get angry. I know I can’t control his reaction. What do you actually say to your husband and how does he respond?
Answer: It actually doesn’t matter what I say to my husband or how he responds because we as a couple are not the same as YOU and your husband.
If you said something similar and your husband felt belittled and got angry, why is that a problem for you? I’m guessing because you don’t like the discomfort of HIS negative emotions. But this is where the dis-entangling happens. You need to get comfortable with the discomfort of HIS negative emotions. We are so used to fixing things so everyone can stay happy and comfortable and it actually ends up causing more problems. The more comfortable you can with discomfort, the better off you will be. When you stop taking responsibility for others emotions, it will be hard for a little while, but it is also so freeing! You can hold space for whatever he needs to feel. You can of course be kind and compassionate. Of course you don’t want him to feel belittled or angry. But when you are coming from a genuine place, from the best in you, and not TRYING to make him feel that way, you can just let him feel whatever he needs to feel. But this also means you need to get to that clean place first. “I’m so sorry you feel that way, that was not my intention. But I totally understand that you do feel that way if you think it was my intention to hurt you. I assure you it was not.”
Feel free to post again if you need more clarification.