Question: I’m having a hard time finding pleasure. I don’t know if it’s an actual physical problem or if it’s a mental thing that I’m somehow not allowing myself to feel pleasure. My husband wants so badly for me to find something that is pleasurable because we both know exactly how he feels pleasure but are stumped when it comes to me. It’s disheartening, and last night he even said that I was broken. It made me feel even worse than I already feel. He knew that wasn’t the best thing to say and apologized later, but it’s just been hard. I do feel pleasure sometimes, but it’s not very often and not enough to make me actually crave it. Last week we bought an expensive sex toy (the WeVibe Chorus) to try something else, but it didn’t do much for me unfortunately, which is what kind of confirmed in his mind that I am broken. I have gotten some enjoyment out of a rabbit vibrator that we have, but that’s the only thing I’ve found that works. Even then, though, it’s not something that I crave. The times that I do enjoy sex have been more about my connection to him and our closeness than my own actual pleasure. I want to be able to feel pleasure more and have this be something that I actually want. What can I do mentally to help me with pleasure?
Answer: Well thinking you are broken isn’t helping anything! Figuring out how you personally feel pleasure is a process. Try working on the Roadmap to Personal Pleasure in your workbook. You can also try a different kind of vibrator. Some people have more luck with one that does an air pulse. The Satisfyer Pro, The Womanizer, or the Lelo Sona Cruise (it does a sonic pulse) are all good options. Spending some time by yourself with may help too. Making sure you are getting time to connect to you.
Connection is an important piece, so don’t discount that. But you are NEVER going to be a man and probably not crave it like he does. Women just don’t have the testosterone, which is what drives me to want it. But finding what works for you is a process that is well worth your time.