Amanda coached on the following:
- (01:20) – I feel stuck because I am not great at receiving and I often have a negative reaction to my husband initiating because I can’t tell the difference between initiating and flirting. So he says, understandably, that it is in my court to initiate until I can stop being so reactive to him initiating. SO….I would like to have some advice on how to do this when I am the low desire partner (I am great once we get going, but could go forever without initiating, even though I then get stressed out that i haven’t and start to feel very disconnected). I just need some solid step to take to help me with this.
- (18:30) – My husband and I had a huge fight after I told him that my imagination of getting in the mood will be something to help me from now on. I told him over and over again that is in line with myself and with God. It totally crumbed his whole world and I can easily say that this was one of our biggest fights. He DID NOT want to hear me when I said that I use this ALL for the INTENTION to make our marriage better.
His tone and attitude were shaming towards me for having fantasy, wanted to know exact details, attacking and using many phrases that this may not be the marriage he wants – and using phrases and words that allude to divorce. I felt so hurt and I am now feeling sacred more than ever. I think a lot of his shame of pornography in his past was being put on me. And I feel like my boundaries were crossed as well – (more on that during the call).
I felt like I held my ground as best I could and really thought through things & journaled beforehand for a few days. The things I came up with:
1) It is OK for me to have fantasy and I still want to make this marriage work.
2) I truly believe in this definition of marriage of knowing someone fully and being known fully.
-This was a HUGE blessing and answer to prayer as we coached on it last time. It feels so right to me.
This is where he stands. He told me the goal is to have me fully attracted to him in all ways and vice versa. He doesn’t believe that BOTH having fantasy AND being attracted/close to the other can exist at the same time. He feels like I am being emotionally infidelitous (thus why he feels betrayed -may be grounds for divorce).
I am trying to not be dramatic. But we are hitting on some core issues here. As I am communicating with him, he is telling me that he doesn’t want that kind of intimacy- to fully know me and for me to fully know him.
And that really hurts.
I still love him. I am still trying to believe that we are similar/same, but we just have different ways to get to the same goal. But that hope is wearing thin.
- (42:24) – Sometimes I’m not in the mood for sex and I don’t want to initiate or I turn my husband down. I feel like I do this too much. I’m also getting back into the pattern of not being willing to touch because I feel it’s all or nothing.