Amanda: Hey, what can I do for you? 

Amelia: Well, similarly to several of the ladies on here, I think throughout my marriage I’ve experienced times of major distrust over things like pornography, and it hasn’t been a huge part of our marriage, but it has been there off and on throughout the years, you know? 

And that being said, I think because of abuse that I experienced when I was younger and things like that, I’ve always had fear of, and probably just upbringing as well, you know?

The fear of of sex. I’ve always been okay with him touching me, doing all the things that he would even want to, well, not all the things but most things, but enough anyway. I would like to learn to have more courage to show him love. I’ve always been scared of his body. I am like, Okay, I can kiss you from the neck up. That’s all you got from me. And I don’t want to be scared anymore. 

Amanda: Okay.  We don’t need to go into details. I don’t need to know details, but the abuse that you had when you were young, has that been worked out with a therapist or do you still feel like that triggered? 

Amelia: I imagine that there is still some triggering, but I have worked on it a lot, with lots of different therapists and/or energy workers or all the things, you know.

Amanda: Okay, I’m always hesitant to do coaching with people who are really triggered by abuse. But if you feel like we’re mostly okay then we can go ahead and move forward. I’m just going to preface this with if you do feel triggered at all, please let me know and we will stop.

Amelia: Okay.

Amanda: Okay. I never want to push you into feeling unsafe here. Okay. 

Amelia: Okay. Okay. I’m a pretty open book, so the strangers are going to love me, I’m sure. 

Amanda: Okay, great. So you are really having a hard time showing him love and feeling really afraid of his body. Is that correct? 

Amelia: Yeah. 

Amanda: Okay. So do you feel safe enough to drop into your body and to close your eyes?

Amelia: I think so. Yeah. 

Amanda:  Okay. All right. So I want you to close your eyes just to take a couple of deep breaths. 

We’re just going to center ourselves. 

Okay? Are you feeling okay? 

Amelia: Mm-hmm. 

Amanda: Okay. I want you to think about, and just imagine what it would be like, what it would feel like if you could show your husband how much you love him and you weren’t afraid of his body. Okay. Can you just try to imagine that, what it might be like and feel like? Tell me what you’re thinking.

Amelia: I’m thinking of the words ‘liberating’ and ‘fun’ and ‘freeing’. I know that’s the same as liberating, but I feel like if I had the ability to let those walls down that my marriage would be closer to the place, of course, that I imagine that the best marriage for us would be. Cause I, of course, that’s the kind of stuff I think about is what the perfect marriage for me would look like. And that is part of it. 

Amanda: Okay. So I want you to put yourself in your imagination into a situation where you are in bed with your husband and you’re feeling close and connected to him and you aren’t afraid and that fear is gone and you feel liberated and free and those walls are down. I want you to describe to me using your five senses, what that would be like. What are you seeing around you in that experience?

Amelia: I don’t know if I know how to answer that one. I think that I would hear his heartbeat, that I would, the see part is the one I’m having the hardest time with, I suppose, because the obvious. Of course, I would see nudity because that is where we were, we would be together, in an intimate way, just hugging and caressing and enjoying each other. Ok I’m going sight. 

Amanda: You see, I would say that you’re seeing him, you’re seeing his eyes, you’re seeing his lips, you’re seeing his skin . 

Amelia: Well, that’s what I think I would like to be seeing. I think that oftentimes that I would probably see an erection and that would be where the triggering or the fear for me would happen. So I need to be concentrating more on what you are suggesting. 

Amanda: But let’s focus on the fact that this moment is where you feel completely free and liberated and fun. 

Amelia: Oh, I forgot that. 

Amanda: Okay. We’re imagining a best case scenario here. 

Amelia: Okay. Then I would probably be excited about everything that I saw. Okay.

Amanda: And what are you seeing? 

Amelia: Him looking at me and me looking at all of him and being excited. And loving what I am seeing and the anticipation of what is to come, and just being excited about that. 

Amanda: Okay. And you said your hearing is heartbeat. You’re feeling his skin on your skin as you’re hugging and caressing each other, what do you smell?

Amelia: Probably his deodorant and body odor together is the reality there, but I would probably…

Amanda: But you’re in this, you’re in this like alternate reality where things are just exactly the way you want.

Amelia: Where everything’s perfect. I would be basking on that because I really do get turned on by all of those things.

Amanda: I love it. And what are you tasting?

Amelia:  Probably mint because I always make sure I have gum and, which is true. I actually, I would love to be able to taste his skin and not be nervous about that, so that is what I’m going to say is happening. I would taste his skin and… 

Amanda: I love it 

Amelia: And that would be okay. 

Amanda: Okay, so you are seeing him in all his glory. You’re smelling his muskiness and his deodorant. You’re hearing his heartbeat. You’re tasting mint and his skin, like everything is just beautiful and you feel so free and so liberated. Does this feel good to you right now? 

Amelia: Yeah. Yeah, it does, actually. . 

Amanda: Okay. Now I want you to just scan your body and notice where there’s any resistance.

Anything in your body is telling you No.

Ameilia: Not in that moment. If I am in that imaginary place, if I am being honest to where I am right now, I totally have resistance. 

Amanda: Okay. Tell me where the resistance is in your body.

Amelia:  Oh, it’s in my mind, all the way. 

Amanda: All that’s in your head. There’s nowhere in your body that you’re feeling it just in your head?

Amelia: No. The resistance is always in my head. 

Amanda: Okay. So I want you to go into your head. Okay. And I know this sounds really strange, but I want you to embody your brain right now. And I know this sounds a little esoteric, Okay. But embody what’s going on and talk to me from that space. Okay? What is the resistance about? What is the fear? 

Amelia: I think that it’s that I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Things within a sexual relationship, like in the best case scenario, I would say we are free to do anything, but things that I have been taught or imagined that I have been taught, I mean, is like if it was oral sex or anal sex or any of that, I’m scared of that.

Amanda: Okay, so why don’t you just stay with that feeling of you’re doing something wrong. Okay. Just stay with that. Tell me how this is protecting you.

Amelia: I don’t know that it is. 

Amanda: Why do you think it’s there?

Amelia: Oh, honestly, I would guess that it is more the Adversary trying to keep me from embodying and embracing all of the love and the potential that Heavenly Father would have for me. Does that make sense? 

Amanda: Yes, it totally makes sense. So this part of you is there as a protection. A mechanism because you’re afraid of doing something wrong and it’s just trying to keep you safe. Can you see that? 

Amelia: Yeah. 

Amanda: Okay. I want you to just put your hand to your heart and thank your brain for trying to keep you safe. Thank you for doing what you need to do to keep me safe, because there were times when I wasn’t safe and you’re doing what you can to keep me safe now.

Okay, Now I want you to, you can put your hand down if you want. I want you to go to another place in your body. where you feel really strong and powerful. 

Amelia: Oh, my heart really is the place for that. 

Amanda: Yeah, I can see that. Okay. I want you to think about your heart protecting your brain and knowing that whatever comes up, that it will take care of you. Give your heart permission to let your brain not need to protect you anymore, that it’s gonna do the protecting. The strong, powerful place within you can protect you and remind yourself that when things get hard and when that fear comes up, that you are strong. And you are powerful and you know how to protect yourself.

You can open your eyes now. How are you feeling? 

Amelia: Good. I do feel good.  I think I feel like it just gives me confidence that I can tackle this. 

Amanda: You know, you can

Amelia: Yes, I can. 

Amanda: You can. When that fear comes up, remember where you’re strong. Remember that you can protect yourself and you don’t need to put all these things into place that inhibit your freedom and what you actually want for yourself.

Amelia: Well, thank you 

Amanda: Thank you so much for being willing to be coached and witnessed in this process. I’m going to put you back to attending now. I want you to jump into the chat box and just read everything that people are saying. It’s really beautiful in their support of you and just to help you reacclimate. Okay? Thanks for coming on.