Question: We’ve successfully figured out the clitoral orgasm, and I hear so much about the g-spot, trying to figure out how to achieve that type. Do some have one or the other, or should I be able to expect to achieve both at different times? My clitoral orgasm has always been with his finger, and I’m happy with that (never experienced penetration orgasm) and don’t understand how to get there, and want to give it a try, but not sure how to go about that. Is the g-spot penetrational? From what I understand, it is.

Answer: Clitorial orgasms and g-spot orgasms are both “clitoral” orgasms.  You are just stimulating a different part of the clitoral network (the urethral sponge) when you stimulate the g-spot.

The g-spot is located about an inch or so inside the vaginal opening on the upper vaginal wall (so if you are laying on your back, it would be on the top.). The spot often feels different than the rest of the vaginal canal.  Especially as arousal occurs it can feel raised or bumpy. The g-spot tends to respond best to massage with fingers or a toy. The penis can also stimulate it in certain positions, especially if already highly aroused.  I usually recommend stimulating it after you’ve already orgasmed your “usual” way.

For a minority of women, g-spot stimulation alone can lead to orgasm (which is usually the women who can orgasm with intercourse alone). But for the majority, it usually takes being highly aroused and being stimulated by your partner using a “come hither” motion.  Basically bending the fingers at the second knuckle.  Don’t stress it if doesn’t work the first few times.  It takes practice.  But don’t become so fixated on making it happen that it takes away from your pleasure.  You can have a fulfilling sex life regardless of whether you can have a g-spot orgasm or not.

Often g-spot orgasms also induce squirting.  If you want to know more about this you can listen to Episode 228 of the podcast.

Question: I recently got to the lesson with the 30 day challenge. I discussed it with my husband and thought we could start soon, but now I am wondering how to do this without it feeling like duty sex and past trauma. The answers my brain is coming up with are: continue to develop my sexuality and desire, establish boundaries so I feel safe and don’t revert to past trauma, if I do experience past trauma/emotions, identify them and calm my nervous system. The problem I foresee is that since I don’t experience spontaneous desire, responsive sometimes feels like I’m gaslighting myself into having sex. I guess that’s the trauma response bubbling up? Thanks. Your course is really helping, though I know I have a ways to go.

Answer: It sounds like you answered the question yourself.  Way to go!  And just know, it’s ok if you aren’t ready yet to do this challenge.

I don’t want you to ever gaslight yourself into having sex.  I don’t want you to go back into having duty sex.  What I would like you to try is to genuinely get to a place where you want to share yourself in some capacity with your spouse.  But only do that if and when you are ready.  And if you aren’t ready yet, that is ok.

Also know that if you need to stop in the middle of things, that is ok too.

Question: My husband and I had a very healthy and thriving sex life for about 15 of our 20 years of marriage. I can’t put my finger on what happened, or if anything actually did happen, but it’s like I’ve lost all desire for sex. I think about my past self who was easily aroused and interested, the me who initiated sex, the me who was able to orgasm without a vibrator, and the me who was proud of the fact that we were having quality sex regularly, and I miss her. It’s like I’m mourning the death of an old friend.
I try really hard to get aroused. I think about it during the day and plan on sex, I wear things to help me feel sexy, I make efforts, but it’s like I’m not able to quite get there. And it’s frustrating and disheartening, for myself and my husband.
I guess my question is, I know she’s in there, but where is she and how can I bring her back? How do I even begin?

Answer: What you are experiencing is actually fairly common.  Most likely you were relying on hormones for sex.  As women age and move into perimenopause, hormones change and you may no longer be able to rely on them to help you feel desire.  This is where you get to start learning how to create desire by the way you think.  It may never feel like it did before (welcome to getting older) but it can still be good.  You just need to stop comparing it to what used to be.  Things change as we get older. The more you accept that and learn to adapt instead of wishing that things were like they were before the easier it is going to be to move forward.

Start going through the Embrace you! Video course and come onto a coaching call when you need some extra help.

Question: What are some of your favorite ways to connect after sex?

Answer: It really depends on the situation.  In the morning, he’s usually up and getting ready for work afterward.  So connection might look like messaging back and forth on our “Just Between Us” app about how much we enjoyed that mornings encounter.

During the day, it could just be laying there snuggling and chatting afterwards.

At night, we usually just cuddle up and fall asleep together.  Sometimes we talk or watch a show if it’s early enough.

Question: Sometimes my husband will get pretty hands-ee at night. I find myself actually getting angry sometimes when I move his hand off of me because I’m trying to sleep and he seems to relentless find his hand back. When I talk to him about it a lot of the time he actually has no recollection. Sometimes he does remember but sometimes he swears he has no idea. Regardless, I find myself almost building a resentment towards wanting to be touched at night at all. I don’t know the best way to resolve this. Sometimes I want to cuddle and then if I feel him start to touch me more sexually I want to yell it makes me so angry. I don’t want to be angry and I don’t want it to continue to hinder our sexual relationship. WWAD? (What would Amanda do?)

Answer: Well, Amanda likes being felt up (lol) but only because my relationship is in a good place. So it makes sense why you might not like this right now.

We often get angry when we feel a boundary has been crossed.  So you need to figure out what the THOUGHT is that is creating the anger and decide if you want to keep thinking that or not.  And if you do, that’s ok.  You need to discuss with your husband (when you are calm) what your boundary is and if violated, whether he means to or not, what YOU will do.  Resentment also comes when we don’t honor our own boundaries.

If he was sharing a bed with another guy (like his brother for example) I highly doubt that he would be feeling up his brother in the night.  So while he may not remember, there is something conscious about it, so have a talk with him and decide your boundary.

Question: Hi Amanda, I’m working through the Embrace You video course, and I’m on week 5 about owning your desires. I’ve been on this week for a while because it’s taking me some time to get through all of the homework! I’m stuck on one of the last worksheets: “What does my sexuality want?” I just can’t figure out what this question is asking. I’ve never thought of my sexuality as a separate entity – it’s just me – and I don’t really know what it means to tap into it to see what it wants. Can you help me understand this question? Thanks so much!

Answer: Week 5 definitely has the most homework.  But also some of the most valuable homework in understanding yourself IMO.

As humans, we are made up of lots of parts.  We have our true SELF (our soul or spirit) and then parts that were created throughout our life to help us and protect us in different situations.  Our sexuality is one of those parts of us.  Have you ever seen me or listened to me do somatic work, where we go into the body and look at different feelings and emotions and see where they are coming from and give them a voice to see what they will tell us?  What I would like you to do with this exercise is give your sexuality a voice.  If it could talk and tell us about itself, what would it say? Would it say that it’s scared to come out?  That is wants to be acknowledged? That it tired of being suppressed?  That it can teach you so much about yourself? That it wants to be loved?

I love this video in explaining different parts of ourselves.

Question: I just am curious on how to deal with a potential problem with one of my very best friends. She has dealt with infertility for over a year. My husband and I are now starting to try to get pregnant and I am so worried about telling her when we do get pregnant. She raised some concerns with me after her family member announced their pregnancy. Now it has me really stressed and feeling like maybe I need wait because I don’t want to hurt her.

Answer: First off, remembering the model.  Where does her hurt come from?  Her own thoughts.  You can’t hurt her.  That being said, you do influence her and of course you don’t want her to her.  But I don’t think delaying or not doing what you feel is best for your family is helpful either.

If it was me, I would probably have a conversation with her soon.  Let her know that you are going to be trying to get pregnant again and you understand that this might be painful for her and you want to be sensitive to that.  Then ask her how she would like you to handle it with her if/when it happens.

I always think being open and honest is always best.  I understand being sensitive to her feelings, which I think is important and is you being your best self.  But you can’t protect her from feeling hurt.  That is her own stuff to deal with.  But you can support her and love her through the hurt.

Question: At our women’s retreat one principle I heard repeated many times was, “Always be in line with my integrity.”

Can you give me a *clear picture* of what both yours and Crystal’s definition of “integrity” exactly is?

Answer: Crystal’s definition is: Your personal bar for honesty and what that looks like and also your moral principals that you live and uphold to. There is no wrong or right answer because your integrity is uniquely yours.

Mine: Understanding yourself and your values and living true and honest to that.  Your outside (what you do, what you say, how you act) matches your inside (your values).

Question: I’d like to download the workbook but the link is not working.

Answer: I checked the link and it is working, but here it is again. Workbook

Question: My husband and I have been listening to your podcast for a little over a year now and we’ve learned a lot. He has learned that he was asking things of me that he shouldn’t (most specifically he put a number on how many times we should be having sex in a week, this then turned into duty sex for me for years because I had to meet the quota). I started your course originally in May and then summer hit and life hit and holidays hit and now I’m back to Lesson 1. I’m determined to make it through the courses because I almost want to figure out that maybe how I think is ok. You’ve talked a lot about honesty and integrity to yourself, and through this journey the past while we haven’t found anything that really turns me on, dirty talk is hard for me, I naturally don’t think that way, and if I flirt or make one comment about how he looks or what not, he’s immediately trying to get me in the other room, which I don’t necessarily want. I’m really satisfied with sex when we have sex, I orgasm basically every time and can get in that dirty mind frame then. He wants me to dirty talk and flirt with him more and show I desire him, but I don’t want to dirty talk or flirt, I don’t see the point when those things don’t turn me on. What do I do? Am I being selfish? When we have conversations it feels as if I’m the problem because I’m not meeting his expectations, but I want to stay true to who I am as well. Thank you so much for taking answering this long winded question!

Answer: There’s a difference between staying in integrity with yourself and not wanting to do things because it’s uncomfortable.  You need to understand the motivations behind it.  I actually did a call this week where we talked about this (in a different context.).

It sounds to me like you have a responsive desire.  That once you get going with sex, you enjoy it.  This is important for you (and your husband) to understand.  Responsive desire means that your desire kicks in AFTER arousal.  So you have to be WILLING to get aroused and even start being touched in order for the desire to kick in.  If you shut down the possibility of getting aroused, or doing things to try and get aroused, it’s going to be a lot harder road.  You need to be open to his advances (knowing desire will kick in later) and also be willing to say no if it’s not what you want.

It also sounds like your husband is seeking validation through his sexuality.  That he is expecting you make him feel good and desired instead of validating himself in this.  This can definitely be a turn off.  I would suggest that he works with a coach himself to help with this or take Jennifer Finlayson-Fife’s Art of Loving course to help him work on himself.

You aren’t selfish and it’s ok if you don’t meet his expectations, especially when his expectations don’t take your responsive desire into account.  You need to get stronger within yourself so that you can stand in your integrity in the face of his invalidation.  The Embrace You Video Course as well as getting some coaching on our live calls can help with this.

Question: My husband has never had issues with impotence till here recently. He says he is still attracted to me and is very frustrated. He has had some health issues lately (kidney stones/prostate issues). While he waits to see his urologist, what is the best way that I can support him? I know that men pride themselves in their performance and I know his self-esteem has taken a beating. I just want to make sure I am supporting him the best way through this.

Answer: Isn’t it funny how we want to make it about us (thinking he isn’t attracted to us anymore).  That is RARELY the case.  I’m glad that he is going to see his urologist.  In the mean time, assure him that this doesn’t affect how you see him.  Find other ways to be intimate.  Make sure you initiate so he can see that he is still desire.  This is a really hard thing for many men and the best thing we can do as wives is to make sure we show them that we love them and desire them.

I’ve also told many clients when impotence happens that lesbians have great sex with no penis involved.  I’m sure you can figure it out too 😉 lol!

Question: Sometimes I want more sex, but I want to be aroused more by my husband. I don’t know how to ask him without being needy.

Answer: If your husband needed more stimulation to get hard, do you think he would hesitate to ask for it? Do you think he is needy for needing to be stimulated enough for arousal?

You are not needy for asking for what you need to enjoy sex and want it more.  This belief is because of the conditioning that we have received as women that our needs to do not matter as much as everyone around us.  We’ve been conditioned to believe that we are selfish for needing things.  This is not true.

This can also be due to a lack of education (for both you and your spouse) about what a woman needs.  Women are different than men and usually require more time and more stimulation that what is typically shown in media.  Much of sexuality is viewed through a male lens.  Women are different.

Needy is about needing an excessive amount.  You are not asking for an excessive amount.  You are asking for the necessary amount to get you aroused and to have a good experience.

You need to figure out your belief systems around this.  Why do you feel like asking for what you need is needy? What are the underlying beliefs that make that feel true to you? If you need more help with this, please come to a coaching call.

Question: I’m in search of a book or on your website (or other sites) that will help my husband and I learn techniques or ideas of things that will help make sex even more pleasurable for each other. I hope that makes sense. Also, I was wondering if you could direct me to somewhere on your site that would help me learn how to get my head in the game per se to make sex better for me. Or even mental exercises to do. I have fun and enjoy having sex but I have a hard time fully being there mentally. Once again I hope that makes sense and I’m sorry if it doesn’t.

Answer:

The best books to learn about technique are:

She Comes First & Passionista, both by Ian Kerner.

I would also suggest Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston

As far as “getting your head in the game,” have you gone through the Embrace You Video Course? Listened to past coaching calls? I talk about it all the time.  But the best way for you to get help with this is to come onto a coaching call so I can help you specifically with what keeps you from being present.  You can sign up to be coached on a call on the call schedule page.

Question:

Hey Amanda!!

I wanted some help concerning my sister in law. I’m not exactly sure how to go about this and maybe it’s easier to get coached. But my sister in law is going through a major health struggle. She’s been dealing with parosmia post covid as well as an autoimmune disease. Anyways, she’s really struggling to find any positive in her life and is bringing others especially the ones she loves the most down with her. Her mom and husband try so hard to do everything for her but it seems like she sees through it and only hurts them in the process. The hardest part is she is a health coach herself. I think a lot of the negativity stems from even before she got parosmia but it’s amplified since she got it. Anyways, I’m just wondering how I can go about helping her or helping my mother in law through this. If there is a coach I can suggest for her or any suggestions you have.

Answer: How is this affecting you?  You can always refer people to LDSLifeCoaches.com for help finding a coach, but it sounds to me like her husband and mother need to set some boundaries.  But that doesn’t explain to me why it is affecting YOU.  🙂

Question: I have read books, bought a toy, been willing when invited, and recognize my husband’s patience and efforts. He has read books. He seems happier. I am not sure much has changed for me. I try to choose my thoughts but I think I am stuck in an attitude that says I should like sex. Everyone else does. Why is it so important? Why is it so much work? When does it get fun? I can’t seem to just let go of do’s and don’ts. We should do this because it’s been a while. The app said this is what I or he is supposed to do today. It is not that I don’t want to but I feel like I am still just keeping the rules rather than enjoying the experience. I am wishing for a quick fix but maybe you have something to suggest that may help.

Answer: Answer these questions for yourself…

• Should I like sex?
• Why don’t I like it?
• Why is sex important to ME?
• Why do I think it is so much work?
• What would make it fun for me?

I want to you to know that it makes sense that these things are hard when you are holding on so tightly to do the do’s and don’ts.  Ask yourself why you want to hold on to those so much and see what your brain comes up with.

Question: I recently had a hysterectomy and was told that I couldn’t be intimate in any form for 8 weeks. I am the LDP, but have really been working on having a better sexual relationship with my husband. I know this is a temporary thing, but it has been so hard on both of us. We do spend time together in other ways, but it just doesn’t seem as fulfilling or close. Do you have any advice or suggestions?

Answer: Accepting that it is hard and that might not change for the 8 weeks.  Also looking at ways to be sexual with each other that don’t involve penetration, stimulation, or orgasms for you but might for him.  Find other ways you feel connected to him.  But also reminding yourself that it’s temporary. It will get better and that can be a great thing to look forward to!

Question: I have been married for 20 years and have most definitely been the low desire partner up until the last year or two since I have been listening to your podcast and doing all the things to “fix” myself. (I’m so grateful to know now I’m not broken so thanks!) however, I feel like karma is totally showing its ugly face at me because I feel like I am working on my self and working on “us“ and have invited him on this journey with me, but he doesn’t seem super interested to be on this journey with me. That is not to say that we never have sex because we do maybe once a week even though I am making myself available (sleeping naked, talking about “tonight” all day, snuggling up to and kissing him at night). He says he wants to get his testosterone checked. I’m finding myself hurt and am understanding what goes where in the thought model.

Answer: You are feeling “hurt” because of what you are thinking. So figure out what you are thinking and what you are making it mean (that will go in your thought line) and then what your actions are that are from feeling “hurt.”  Then decide if you want to keep thinking and feeling that or not and what you might want to think instead and practice the new thought.

Question: My husband has always had enough sex drive for the two of us that he always instigates. In 20 years I have only instigated a handful of times because I felt I needed to because things were on the rocks.
I don’t even know where to begin to instigate a love sesh or how to even come on to my husband because I have never had to. He wants me to initiate. He wants me to flirt with him. Please help me know where to start and how to do this. It’s so foreign and uncomfortable for me.

Answer: It makes sense that it would be uncomfortable for you when you’ve never done it, so first, have some compassion for yourself.  Next, we need to look at why it is uncomfortable.  What is it that you are thinking and feeling that is creating the discomfort? What can you think on purpose that can maybe help it not be quite so uncomfortable? Or what if you just decide that it will be uncomfortable and you are going to do it anyway?  Things are always uncomfortable when we are growing.  This is a process that will help you grow.

You may also want to look at a couple of podcasts for some help.

Episode 169 – Initiating Ideas and Styles

Episode 242 – How To Flirt

Bring this to a coaching call to explore this more if you want to.

Question: Question from the husband she has no idea I am writing this. For years (20+) we had a “ great sex life” but very vanilla. My wife could orgasm while on top 75% of the time with intercourse and nearly all those times we would orgasm simultaneously. But if she didn’t orgasm on top and she “lost it” we would be done. She was happy and I was happy, so I thought. In the last 6 months I have been feeling like there could be so much more with more intimacy and connection. We were introduced to Amanda and Dan Purcell and I have been going on a binge of everything I can get my hands on. The books are piling up. We are working through the courses at the same pace, separately but together. During this process she has seemed to have “lost” her orgasm. I did a thought download and I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be responsible for her orgasm but I am still left with this feeling of failure and I messed up something that used to be so good for her by putting too much pressure wanting to take things faster than she is ready for. She is the relief society president and does have crazy responsibilities with that plus our 3 daughters. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her there again. We have started to experiment with a vibrator for the first time in our marriage but she seems very reluctant to try anything with it other than while we are having intercourse. She did give me the sexrecipes book for Christmas and hoping to liven it up. I guess I am just feeling liked I ruined it and part of me is just wanting to go back to the way it as for her but every time I think about it I have this fomo feeling like it could be so much better on the other side. Just wondering how to get to the next level without feeling like I messed it all up?

Answer: I think it’s important to look at what the thought “I messed it all up” is creating for you.  What is the feeling? What are the actions? What is the result?  I’m guessing nothing good.

It’s important to understand that women’s orgasms can change over time, especially during perimenopause and menopause.  So it could be that this change is just coincidence, or it could be because of something else.

You are right, that you are not responsible for her orgasm, but the belief that “there could be so much more” while maybe true, could be putting pressure on her and that is keeping her from orgasming.  But that is for her to figure out, not you.  You just need to calm yourself down and allow her the space to figure things out on her own.  Your need to control things (whether that is going back to the way things were or figuring out what is missing) comes from fear, which is never a great way to operate.  Instead, you showing up as your best self and trust that things will work out exactly as they should is much better way to move forward.

Question: So what if I am the one that has a hard time honoring my husband’s boundaries? When I get upset, I raise my voice. He then says that his boundary is that he isn’t going to have a conversation with me if I raise my voice. My thoughts about that are that, he is weak if he can’t handle my raised voice when I am upset (im not yelling) I have the thought that he can’t handle or accept the real me, or that he is grooming me the way he wants or that he feels his comfort is more important that what I am saying. I get mad and say these things to him and then he just sits there like a scolded child and says things like, he doesn’t know if we are going to really work..which I then see as weakness and I just shut him out.

Answer: Why is it weak to want to be spoken to kindly and respectfully?  Boundaries aren’t about controlling another person, they are actually about love.  Maybe he has a harder time loving you when you raise your voice.  He wants to love you.  He doesn’t want to be upset with you, so he sets a boundary.  I would get curious as to why you see that as a weakness.  I see it as a strength of his.  That he understands his limits and what he needs to keep himself happy, emotionally healthy, and safe.

It makes sense why you don’t like his boundary.  Most people don’t.  But when a boundary is honored it creates a more loving relationship where you can actually connect.  When people don’t honor others boundaries it usually shows that 1. they don’t have the ability to control their own impulses or desires or 2. they are limited in their ability to take responsibility for owning their lives. (Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend)

If you listen to the VIP call from yesterday (12/21/22), I talked to the first person about shame shields and how we often project our shame outwards so that we don’t have to feel it.  I would take a guess that projecting your shame outwards (by saying he is weak) is what you are doing here.  Go watch that call to learn what you need to do in order to work on that.  Ask yourself some questions about why you find it weak and if what you are telling yourself about him actually true.

Question: I just got this program for my birthday today as a gift. I tried to join the live call at 1 PM mountain as the site says. I tried on three different browsers and different devices and every time only got to the “Please wait for the host to start this webinar” but it just ended there with a wait. It is now 41 minutes of waiting. What am I doing wrong?

Answer: I’m so sorry you missed the call.  Apparently there has been an update that now shows the calendar in YOUR time zone.  The call was at 12pm MT today.  You should always watch for emails and text reminders to know for sure when the calls are, in case they aren’t showing up correctly for your time zone.  There is also the calendar reminders that will adjust things for your time zone as well.

The replay should be up sometime today.  Hope to see you on the next call!

Question: My husband has said he “never” wants to talk about his feelings with me. That it’s not a thing he ever desires. Is this a normal male response or even typical for some personalities? Something tells me it is important for relationships but maybe I’m wrong.

Answer: I wouldn’t say it’s normal, but probably not uncommon.  And maybe not voicing it is more common.  Men are not socialized to talk about their emotions.  It’s often not seen as “manly.”  Emotions often expose our vulnerability.  If you husband is unwilling to talk about his emotions with you, perhaps he does not feel safe to do so.  And that may stem from his upbringing and conditioning, or it may stem from things that have happened in the marriage.

I would try to be very open and curious about it.  Don’t take it personally but ask questions about why he doesn’t want to and what would make him more open to sharing.

Question: I have apparently forgotten how to flirt. I’ve been keeping most conversations logistical, about household or job responsibilities. I also feel hesitant or scared of flirting. For sure something to do a thought download on. I believe flirting will help us stop interacting just as business partners but I feel like I have forgotten how to flirt.
Where’s the Flirting 101 course? 😉

Answer: I actually have a podcast coming out on flirting.  Stay tuned!

Question: I’m trying to figure out why I’m so judgmental toward my husband. I’m recognizing that I’m not accepting him for him. After doing a few models I’m just getting that I want to feel “better than” or somehow self-validating. I know I have low self-confidence but am I really that desperate for validation that I feel the need to constantly undermine my husband in ‘little’ ways? It’s like I want to point out his flaws but I’m having a hard time believing that I’m doing this just to feel better about myself. I don’t want that to be true.

Answer: Why do you not want that to be true?  What if it is true?  Rather than making that mean something bad about you, be compassionate with yourself.  This is good to know, so then you can work to change it.  If we don’t have the awareness, we can’t change.

My guess is that you are making it mean something bad about you, and then you judge yourself, you talk badly to yourself, which hurts your relationship with yourself even more.

When we can approach our flaws, inadequacies, and behaviors in a compassionate and loving way, that is the road to actually changing them for the better.

Question: 

C- my daughter asks me to play pretend
T- I don’t like playing pretend. But I feel like I should.
F- Guilt and shame that I say no so often to playing with her and her favorite way.
I say yes and feel stuck, bothered, resentful and board while i play.
R- I am on edge with her all the time, scared she’ll ask to play pretend. I blame her for my stress. 🙁
I have tried doing the compassionate model, but I am stuck. I don’t know what to do. Will you help me?
I don’t want to turn down playing with her in her favorite way, but i want to be authentic.

Answer: First, let’s clean up your model a little bit.

C – my daughter asks me to play pretend
T – I should play pretend with her, even though I don’t like to (one sentence)
F – Guilty (Could be shame as well.  Which one is stronger? Only 1 emotion)
A – I say yes, even though I don’t want to.
R – I pretend to enjoy myself

Models need to be simple, and the more you add in that shouldn’t be there, it makes it hard to see what is actually happening.  In your action line, you have a lot more emotions instead of actions.  Each emotion is it’s own model, although they probably all end up about the same place.

It order to get a more compassionate model, you need to think about how you actually WANT to feel when she asks you to play pretend that’s authentic.  It sounds to me like you have a lot of judgement about yourself that you don’t like this, which causes the guilt, and that is what is stopping you from actually moving into a compassionate place.  What if it’s ok if you don’t like to play pretend with her?  Can you own that? Can you decide that it’s ok if you don’t like to?  

We all do a lot of things that we don’t like or don’t really want to do because we know it’s good for us and those around us.  Do you like going to the gym and exercising?  Maybe you do. But maybe you don’t and you do it anyway because you know it’s good for your body.  Do you feel guilty about doing it even if you don’t like it? Do you blame the gym for how you feel? Probably not because you don’t judge yourself for not liking it (or maybe you do, but that’s another story.). Do you see where I am going here?

Get to place where you can drop the judgement of yourself for not liking to play pretend.  Then you’ll be able to move to a more compassionate place where you can thinking something like “It’s ok that I don’t like it and I will do it anyway because I love HER!” And that doesn’t mean you have to do it everyday.  You get to decide how often you can get to a place that you actually want to do it for her and not because you think you should or you have to.

BTW – this totally translate to the bedroom as well.  We think we “should” have sex but then we hate it.  But if we can get to a place where we may not like it but we can drop all the judgement and do it because we love our spouse, we see the benefit, and we are WILLING, it can be a different experience. 🙂  That’s why I love coaching on everything, because the way we show up in one area is usually the way we show up in all areas, including the bedroom.

Question: Hey Amanda, I am trying to sign up for the call tomorrow 11/29 but it is not showing any calls in my view for November or December. Maybe come sort of glitch? let me know.

Answer: The 11/29 call is full (three people have already signed up) which is why it is not showing availability.  The December calls have not been added to the calendar yet.

With the additional members that are coming into the membership, please try to limit your coaching sign ups to once a month to give everyone an opportunity to sign up for coaching. Remember that I will take volunteers if there isn’t enough sign ups or there is extra time on the call.  I will also add additional calls if needed.  You can always write in here for coaching as well.

Question: I am a relatively new member of EYES. How does the new private podcast membership work (saw post on Insta) – does the yearly membership take the place of monthly? Do EYES members still have access to Embrace You Course? Thanks!

Answer: The new subscription podcast is separate from EYES.  It’s $69 for a year for EYES members (which is also the introductory rate for the public).  It doesn’t take the place of anything we are already doing.  

EYES members can sign up to be coached for the subscription podcast.  It’s a private 45 minute session that is normally $99, but is free with the caveat that it will be aired on the podcast.  Your name is changed.  I can also change your voice.  The link to sign up is on the podcast menu.

You might be confusing the new subscription podcast for the private podcast that has all of our EYES calls and classes.  That is still also available and won’t be changing.

Question: Why can I have multiple orgasms like 5-10 but still not feel horny or a desire to want intercourse and or feel more sexy?

Answer: I would turn that question back to you.  Why do you think you don’t? Desire is an emotion and comes from the way that you think.  Do you think thoughts that create desire for you?  If you aren’t feeling it, I would guess that the answer is no.  Feeling sexy comes from the relationship you have to yourself and your body.  How you are thinking about yourself and your body.  Neither of those things comes from orgasms.  Orgasms comes from biological processes.  There are women who are sexually assaulted who orgasm.  I’m sure they weren’t feeling desire.

So you need to look at the way you are thinking about sex, your spouse, your marriage, and most importantly yourself.  This is exactly what the Embrace You Video Course goes through.  So if you haven’t yet, start there.

Question: I feel like I am devoting a lot of time to my sexuality which I love but I feel like I don’t have as much time for exercise now. I usually just did stretching type workout (nothing too rigorous). Do have any suggestions for an exercise that incorporates sensuality but still keeps me a little limber?

Answer: You can definitely incorporate more sensuality into movement just by changing things up.  Doing some hip circles and breaths, taking time to fully enjoy your yoga stretch, or even just sensual dancing.  I’ve also heard of Orgasmic Yoga but don’t know a ton about it.  You can google it or here is an article from Healthline on it.  Whatever you do, treat it like a meditation and slow everything down to really feel it

Question: I just finished going through the video lessons for the course. What would you suggest as next steps? Are there certain classes/seminars that you would recommend watching next? Should I focus on trying to get on coaching calls? The course was excellent but I feel like I’m having a hard time knowing how to move forward on solving the different challenges I have sexually.

Answer: I see that you are a fairly new member.  Did you do all the worksheets for each video? I usually recommend spending at least a week with each module so you can take some time to implement and not just rush through.

I would definitely come into coaching to work on things you feel like you are stuck on and listen to past calls and classes as you have time.

Question: I am a member of your Embrace You Elite Society, how do I cancel my membership?

Answer: Please send an email to coaching@amandalouder.com and I will cancel it for you.  If you are willing, I would love feedback on why you are cancelling and what I can do better.  Also note that if you cancel and decide to rejoin, you will be subject to rejoining at the current monthly rate for new members.  However, you will not have to pay the upfront fee again.  You will also lose your VIP status.  I hate to see you go but wish you the best!

Question: I heard you talking about this at one point and want to learn more. Where can I learn more about it?

Answer: I talked about it in Episode 184 of the podcast on sexual energy.  We also discussed it in Episode 203 – What Women Really Want In Bed.  

What we are looking for in relationships is polarity.  That’s what really creates great chemistry.  If both are in Yin energy or both in Yang energy you don’t have polarity.  Your can read more about this in the book Intimate Communion by David Deida.

Question: I am super busy with school right now and am not able to get to the coaching like I want right now. We are also falling on some financial difficulties compounded by my going back to school. I am.lovong your society and what I am learning and don’t want to leave all together but need to push pause for a bit. Is it possible to pause my monthly payments of $50 and start back up again in the future without paying the start up fee again?

I apologize if this information is found somewhere else, I haven’t had a chance to search for it. If you could link it for me that would be great.

Answer: You can pause your account by going to your account settings in the menu.  Easy peasy! If you want to cancel, you can and when you do it will email you a link that if you ever want to rejoin, to rejoin without paying the $499 again.

Question: I am not sure how to give you all the information on this and keep it short!

My husband says he feels like I (we) do not put our relationship at the top of our priority list. He says he feels like I start to and then something comes along and I end up focusing on that and our relationship drops off of my radar.

I am not saying he is wrong, I just am not sure how to focus on the crisis at hand and our relationship.

For example, since the beginning of the Covid, things have felt insane with our family. Covid chaos came, then my husband lost his job, then our daughter started having arm numbness (which took a year to find the cause of, through seeing dozen different doctors and getting tested for all sorts of scary things). Next she had to have 2 surgeries to fix the arm/shoulder issue. At the very end of physical therapy she suddenly started having neck pain, horrible headaches and facial numbness, so another round of doctors. In addition she has some depression and anxiety issues that all of these health problems made worse. We could never find a cause for the neck issues. As a matter of fact, the doctors were discussing with us if it might be psychogenic pain. Now, new worries around that as she was getting ready to leave for college. As we settled into wrapping our brains around that issue, a couple weeks ago she came home with chest pains. I thought it was her anxiety. The next day we went to the doctor and 3 days later she ends up in the hospital for 2 weeks with 5 blood clots in her lungs. SO…how on earth do I manage all that and make time for improving our relationship? I am exhausted, frustrated and downright terrified at times. I already want to control everything and everything has been out of control for so long I just want to have some stability and calm. I feel like my job, my son and my husband have dropped to the below all the health concerns for her, for sure. What do I do to balance that? How do I go forward and manage times of stress better and not let everything shift down the list?

Answer: (I’m so sorry this didn’t get answered earlier, for some reason I didn’t get a notification and am just now seeing this to answer.)

It’s ok for your husband to feel like your relationship is not the top priority sometimes.  His feelings are not yours to manage.  When someone brings something to our attention, it’s our job to honestly look at what part of that is true and what isn’t AND do you want to change it.  It sounds to me like you don’t want to change that right now, and that is ok!  But, you also have to look at what is happening consistently over time.  Yes, things with your daughter are at the forefront, but how can you let your husband know that you care about him and your relationship?  While your daughter may be #1 priority right now is your husband and marriage #2?  Priorities shift over time.  It’s ok to have to put out the fire.

Let’s also look at where your husband might be coming from here.  When he says this, what are you hearing? (I’m guessing something like…you aren’t doing a good job as a wife).  But what is he actually saying? (I love you and I miss our time together.) When we can look at things as what he is actually wanting versus turning it against ourselves we can show up better in that relationship.

Question: I know I can’t control how my husband it going to react to the words I say but I understand the importance of using tact and being respectful. With that being said, I realized many times when I try to be playful and uninhibited (not in my head) it turns into a fight b/c I apparently said something in the wrong way/he gets offended or triggered/thinks I am criticizing him.

If I have to think really hard to say the “right words” I CANNOT be in my body. I can’t be passionate if I’m in my head. Thinking of the logistics of conversation sucks the joy out of talking. there’s no longer connection or joy or playfulness, it’s work.

So I guess my question is how do I go about this dilemma? Engaging in conversation is my favorite thing and how I feel heard, connected, how I learn and grow. When this avenue of connection frequently becomes a chore or a fight (though I may not always have the purist motives, he gets “offended” easily IMO), what do I do?

Answer: I always think it’s more important to come from the right HEART rather than worry about saying the right words.  If you find your husband getting offended often from this, have a conversation.  Let him know your intentions and where you are coming from and let him know what you are seeing.  Ask if you are interpreting his reaction correctly.  Ask him specifically what triggers him and how that comes back to you.  This is how you build intimacy.

If you need further help and explanation on this, bring it to a coaching call.  You may want him to come as well 🙂 

Question: This question was posted in the Sex for Saints FB group and I would like to hear your take on this… I experience this issue myself, when we aren’t getting along the LAST thing I want to do is have sex!!!!

Question: When my husband and I argue, I lose my desire for sex for days. How do I create desire in a shorter time frame? My husband is ready for sex immediately after an argument. He can forget, but I need time. I am not sure why and would like to change this?

Answer: I answered this in the Facebook group, but will post my answer here as well. And this answer is for non-abusive relationships.

There are a few things that can come into play here –
1. Different people process things differently. There is no right or wrong. If you take longer to process, that’s ok.
2. Are you looking at yourself and how you contributed to the conflict honestly? Are you holding onto things that you don’t need to? What is your thought process over those few days? Are you looking to “punish” him for the conflict by withholding?  (I would definitely recommend doing a thought download and some models around this so you get awareness and clarity.)
3. Are you waiting to feel connected again in order to be sexual? How can you work towards feeling more emotionally connected to him? This is a YOU process, not a HIM process (although we like to think we feel emotionally connected based on what he does and says, but that’s not entirely true.) Most likely he is using sex to reconnect with you (not forgetting what is happening, but making reconnection more of a priority), so work on your end so that you can reconnect with him.

Question: I have a 16-year-old daughter. She has had a boyfriend for almost a year. They text, send short reels on Instagram, and go to school together. They went to homecoming and had fun. He is a nice kid. She is a good girl. He pursued her for quite a while until she finally said ok to being his girlfriend. She didn’t want to be dating someone. I think she enjoys all the quick forwarded memes and reels saying how much he loves her and how beautiful she is and how she makes his day. . . I don’t like it. I feel like it is not real communication. Neither of them is getting to know the other in any kind of real way. This is a great time to meet lots of people and have lots of experiences. I have hinted a lot that she ought to not be paired up. She and he could be available to get to know other people. That has not worked.
Some of his comments and memes are rather suggestive and I believe she has a naïve view of it all.
Today I am realizing that I don’t want to fight her on this but would rather be with her. I want to suggest that we can learn from the experience with lots of questions. For instance, I read that it is better to be soul food than eye candy. He criticizes her if she says “love you” without an exclamation point. He wants her to say things so he won’t be sad or have a sad night. He seems a little needy. I feel like there might be some great questions and discussions that we could explore together. I want to use this experience as a chance to really refine what she hopes for in her future someone. What she wants to be. Why certain things may not be healthy in a friendship/dating situation. Good ideas to navigate all the feelings that being desired brings up. Can you suggest some good ideas and talking points that we could use? Each time I worry, I find that she is making good choices. There is some making out. I don’t know if she feels obligated but I don’t know how best to empower her to make good decisions and be ok with disappointing him. It is not her job to manage his feelings but how do I explain that to her? I want her to recognize the difference between being wanted as a whole person versus being a cute girlfriend. She needs the education and tools to navigate with confidence. I don’t think either of us quite knows how this could be done best.
As you may guess, we have not had enough open discussions. She is one that is uncomfortable and has said she knows enough. I am also not that confident but I am trying.

Answer: I love the story in Samuel 12 where the prophet Nathan tells King David the parable to help him see the story without pointing the finger at him.  I think it is something we can all do in our parenting.

Talk to her about what you are learning about yourself instead of pointing it at her.  Talk to her about how you have tried to manage other people’s emotions but now realize that you can’t.  Teach her the model.  Teens “get it” a lot faster than we do as adults.  Give her examples from your own life and how you are changing the way you are responding to other people.

I think asking questions is always a great idea.  Get curious about her motivations instead of assuming.  You can let her see your perspective and what you are observing but ask her if what you are noticing is right from her perspective.  Teach her about consent and that it should be a “heck yes!” if she is to do anything with him.  If it’s not “heck yes” then she needs to honor herself and her desires rather than putting those aside for him.  

And then it always comes back to you.  What is the worry? What if she doesn’t learn these things? What if she gets herself into a situation that is hard? What are you making those things mean about you? About her?

Have you thought about getting her some coaching? I love the Firmly Founded Membership for teens.  The coaches that run it are amazing and she can learn some valuable tools to help her navigate these kinds of things and build her self-esteem.  They focus a lot on being the hero of your own story, which I love.

Let me know if I can be of further help.  You can bring this to a coaching call as well.  I’ve dealt with similar things with my teens.  I also teach Young Women and empower them to make good choices as well, from a place of integrity within themselves.  

Question: Just wonder how VIP (6 months in EYES) can join these calls. There is no link in the call menu to join.
Thank you

Answer: I dropped the ball and forgot to remind my assistant to start moving people to VIP after 6 months.  So, anyone who has been in the membership for 6 months will get automatically moved from this point forward (I think she’ll do this next week).  You hit 6 months on 9/30/22, so you will get moved then.

Question: The Area to sign up to be coach live isn’t letting me. It will show for next week on the 28th but not today’s call. Of course I have waited until the last hour to sign up but I thought you said it would be OK to do that. 

Answer: *If* there are spots available, you will be able to sign up before the call.  If it isn’t letting you, that means all the spots are filled.  Sign up for a future call if you can.

Question: After the class today, I wonder if I have some emotional dissociation or repression. Do you have any resources or suggestions to help with this?

Answer: Rhonda sent a bonus video to help with this.  It’s called “Bonus Connecting With The Body” and it’s linked below the replay of her class video.  You can also bring this to a coaching call and we can work on it together.

Question: Are testosterone supplements something that might help with desire?

Answer: That’s hard to answer because it is so individual to everyone.  They work for some, but don’t work for others.  It’s always worth trying.  But I think you also have to remember that sex isn’t a drive, it’s a mindset.  When we think about sex as a drive, it’s all about feeling “horny” in order to want sex.  But it’s really about wanting your spouse, not just wanting sex.  So the biological component of hormones is definitely one thing to look at.  But more importantly we have to look at the context that is being created (the way you think and believe) in order for desire to be there.

Question:  The EYES private podcast doesn’t allow me to access the SPARK audio anymore. Where can I access that?

Answer: There was some glitches with the private podcast, but it should be working.  If it’s not you can just give it a couple of days and it will probably work again.  Spark can also be accessed under courses.

Question: The dilemma that my husband brought up is that if he makes me climax then I want intercourse right away and he gets cheated out of whatever stimulation he wants. So….it’s become kind of like whose turn is it? I have always struggled with sex, we’ve only been listening for a week and it seems to be helping but I still harbor a lot of resentment over sex being a way to get him to act nicer in our marriage. I think you call it duty sex. We are trying the say yes for 30 days. I asked for a night off and he pouted for two days about it. We are really screwed up and need help.

Answer: Hi! I know you are new to the membership and so many of the questions you have are going to be answered here.  Have you started the Embrace You! Video Course?  Have you watched some coaching calls?  Sign up to be coach and we can talk through this.

You aren’t screwed up, you’ve just unknowingly co-created a dynamic that isn’t working for either one of you.  Why is it a problem if he pouts for 2 days?  Can you take turns in your lovemaking so that you are both getting what you desire on a regular basis and it’s not one-sided?

You both need to learn how to differentiate (separate out your thoughts and feelings) and much of this will be solved.  But it can start with just you!

Question: Last week I posted ways to have better sex while on my period because it weirded me out. You asked me what my beliefs were around it and why I get weirded out. I realized I have a lot of shame around my womanhood. I’ve just acted as it’s part of life but I’m a way hid from it. It wasn’t talked about much by my family except for how there was a lot of complaining and shaming about periods by mom because of her womenhood issues. But I think this played a huge part in why I feel weirded out because it’s subconsciously bad in some way. Knowing this what are some ways that I can embrace this part of my life do that I can enjoy intimacy without feeling weird about it?

Answer: Understanding your shame about it is a great first step. Shame always makes us hide, which is really good to recognize. Now we need to understand the thoughts and belief systems that are causing the shame.  I suggest doing the module 4 worksheets on uncovering beliefs but specifically write about this part of you.  Take the sex belief prompts and substituted “period” or “womanhood” or whatever is most helpful for you.  When you understand your current belief systems then you can work through the belief changing process to change them to what you want them to be.  What do you want to believe on purpose? What stair-step beliefs do you need to have to get there?

Question: I’d love to know more some ways to receive sex while on my period without being weirded out.

Answer: The answer to this lies in the beliefs and thoughts you have about having sex while on your period that make you feel weirded out.  Identify those and then you can work to change them. Also check out Episode 165 – Sex and the Menstrual Cycle. If you identify the thoughts and beliefs (or need help doing so) either post again here in Ask Amanda or come onto a coaching call to talk about it.

Question: How long will we have access to the SPARK video replays?

Answer: The general public will have them until September 6.  As a member of EYES, you have them as long as you are a member.   After the week is over, the whole workshop will be put into Courses.

Question: Hey Amanda,

I loved our coaching call the other day thank you! I told my husband about how I needed to lean into self trust and loving myself.

Something that has been on my mind is the church I feel has been talking alot about the self love movement in a way that is a bit triggering. The way I look at it is if I haven’t been on my self improvement journey and learn to
Love myself I wouldn’t be able to to fullfill my role as a parent and wife and my testimony has grown. I can’t remember who it was in last conference but I read something that triggered me and in a way triggered Shame because I have been doing better for myself and “that’s selfish”. Something else i read was like you don’t need self improvement you just need the scriptures. They’ve been talking a lot about being obedient and sacrificing ourselves in Sunday school and relief society and I am over here like you guys have it all wrong. Im just curious to know your insight on this and how I can let go of the Shame especially when im in class and they are like if you feel bad loose yourself in service.

Answer: I agree with you that many people get it wrong. And often the self-sacrificing woman is put on a pedestal. I think this message is very damaging to women, men, and families, and I don’t think it’s the way our Heavenly Parents would want us feeling. When we take care of ourselves, then we have more to give. It is not selfish to make sure your own needs are met before trying to serve others. Then we are serving from an empty well instead of from the best in us.

In Brene’s Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, she talks about ways that we try connect with ourselves and others that actually disconnect us. She talks about near enemies and far enemies. “Near enemies are states that appear similar to the desired quality but actually undermine it. Far enemies are the opposite of what we are trying to achieve. Near enemies may seem like the qualities that we believe are important, and may even be mistaken for them, but they are different and often undermine our practices.” We do a pretty good job of staying away from the far enemies of what we are trying to achieve, but often fall into the trap of the near enemy.

For example:
We don’t want to be selfish (far enemy) and so what we end up being is self-sacrificing (near enemy) instead of serving others with boundaries (We talk about boundaries in module 8). The definition of boundaries (according to Atlas of the Heart is: The distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. (Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.)

If you are being triggered, explore that a little bit more. What thought or belief do you have that is causing this shame? Do you like that belief/thought? Why or why not? What is it creating for you? What do you want to believe on purpose?

If you can’t tell, I love Atlas of the Heart, and I highly recommend everyone read it. Here’s a link to purchase it. Amazon

Question: In tonight’s coaching call you discussed how you have the option to tell yourself “this feels good”… that I can choose to believe that ____ is pleasurable. But what if it’s not? Is it more that if I feel it’s a lie than I need to change the circumstance? I just remembered thinking (on the call) that I don’t want to lie if it doesn’t feel good.

Answer: I don’t think it’s a good idea to lie to yourself, ever.  And if you don’t believe the thought then trying to go there won’t work.  Your brain will reject it.  But I think there is a difference between trying to tell yourself that something that is painful is pleasurable (a complete lie) versus something that feels “neutral” actually feels good.  Sometimes our brain just doesn’t recognize it because we aren’t used to allowing ourselves to feel pleasure.  You can ask yourself “what feels pleasurable about this?” or “how could the way I am being touched be pleasurable” and see if your brain comes up with anything.  Get really curious and see if you can expand your definition of pleasure.  The thought worked for the person being coached because she felt like she could believe that thought easily.  

Question: 

Hi Amanda,

I’m just struggling a lot right now. My marriage is on the rocks. I feel like I made so much progress only to now feel like I’m going backwards. And my husband is making sure to tell me that. I feel like I’m in a dark place and my husband is starting to give up on me. I continue to listen to coaching calls but I just don’t know what to do.

Answer:

I am so sorry you are struggling. What you are going through is actually very normal. Many times we make a lot of progress and then slip back into old patterns. Have you watched the class on the Cycle of Transformation? I would start there. Are you doing daily thought downloads and models? Are you setting intentions each day? Maybe sign up for a coaching call so that we can talk specifically on what is happening for you right now and get you back in the right track. Also, did you see my emails for private coaching sessions? That might be a good option for you too. And you can bring your husband on anytime as well so we can all work on it together.

Question: I am working on desire and my husband is so supportive. We recently got a vibrator. It is a simple vibrator for beginners. I charged it and let it just sit. I was unsure how to use it or when. He suggested I try on my own but I just didn’t know what that might look like. he helped my try once but I was so nervous I felt like I was in a doctors office worried about the instruments that would be used. I would like to know how to use a vibrator, how to use it as a couple, and some thoughts that would help me be more comfortable with the whole process. I realize there is not a step by step process to success but it might be helpful to understand some possible scenarios or suggestions.

Answer: Have you listened to episode 139 of the podcast? It talks about using them for the first time and how to incorporate them into using them on your own and with your spouse.  Take a listen and let me know if you have more questions.

Question: I am working my way through the modules, and have finished module 8.

I have been pondering whether I am Demi-sexual (only sexually attracted to those after forming a close bond) or just have deep purity culture issues. As a teen, I never had a desire to kiss anyone, even when friends were making a big deal out of having “hot lips’ or “virgin lips”. I did want someone to like me back in high school, but it wanted it for security, rather than sexual energy. I’ve only ever kissed one other man besides my husband. During a bridal shower, I was asked what my favorite physical characteristic of my future spouse was. I couldn’t come up with an answer. I still really don’t have one. The things I like about him have more to do with security than physicality.
I struggled for two years to orgasm after we were married. (I did like making out before we were married, and my body did orgasm during those sessions, although I didn’t know that’s what an orgasm was). I felt like I was searching for answers and unfortunately none of those answers presented themselves in Deseret Book, the only place I knew to look for info. I remember crying in my closet while getting ready for sex during the first year of marriage. Crying that it was hard. Crying that it didn’t come more naturally. Crying that I felt like something was wrong with me. My husband was patient, but didn’t know where to look for answers either. And sex was fine for him.
We eventually created a pattern where he would ask for sex every few days and I would give in. Things were at their best for me seven years into our marriage, during my first pregnancy (meaning I could orgasm regularly), and I felt like we had finally figured things out. But my husband was not fond of my growing pregnant belly and wouldn’t touch it to feel the baby move. He was excited to resume sex after the baby. I was not due to tearing and pain and exhaustion. He tried to be sensitive of my feelings, but I don’t thing he could truly comprehend my pain. At that time giving him a hand job was not on the list of ok things to do.
After all thee kids were born, two years apart, it had been a rough few years, my husband came up with the plan to have sex every three days. His reasoning was that I could plan ahead and gear up for it. I remember sobbing (in the closet again) because I didn’t want to agree to that, but I knew that I could have two days in-between where I didn’t have to think about sex. So that was the pattern. I would have to watch an erotic movie or read a book in order to “get in the mood” on those third nights.
Both of us see now that we have created patterns that are not sexually healthy. We simply didn’t know and had bad information. Part of me is mad at the church and purity culture because our 24 years of marriage has been pretty good, other than in the bedroom.
Now we are at a point where he has agreed to not have sex unless I’m in the mood, which is very rare, as in twice in the last 6 months. I’m usually feeling open to sex after we’ve have a deep conversation and I feel safe. Then I can watch a movie and get in the mood.
One of my teenagers said, “Sometimes you just feel horny.”. Nope, I really don’t and never have. I saw in an online forum many years ago, someone said: “I woke up feeling horny”. My thought was, “Is waking up horny a thing?”. ONE time in our 24 year marriage, I had a weird dream and did wake up feeling amorous and we had morning sex. ONCE.

So here is the big question: How do I differentiate between really deep purity culture and demi-sexuality? Even if I heal from purity culture, am I ever going to want sex? I don’t know if I even want sex. I’m ok with self pleasure, and the vibrator (a newer thing). But honestly, I really don’t crave it. I can take it or leave it. There is not much that excites my body. And often the thought of sex with my husband is repulsive, likely to the poor patterns we’ve set up.
Help.

Answer: I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to give labels with this type of thing.  It could be that you are Demi-sexual or its could be purity culture, or it could be both.  But what is really important here is understanding the belief systems at play and understanding the dynamics you have created so that you can change things if you want better results.  

You also need to stop comparing your sexuality to others.  Women’s sexuality is very different from men’s sexuality and also what is portrayed in the media.  You most likely have responsive desire (you’ll learn about this is later modules) which means you need arousal BEFORE the desire comes.  So much of women’s sexuality depends on the context of what is happening.  So much depends on how you are THINKING about what is happening.

People who just feel “horny” tend to be more spontaneous desire, or have more hormones (like a teenager) driving it.  Most women don’t have hormones driving their desire.

So, you distinguish what you want by working your way through your belief systems and CHOOSING to believe certain things on purpose, rather than believing what you have believed from purity culture.  Sex is a mindset, not a drive.  If you get your mind in a better place, your relationship in a better place, most likely the sex will get better.

Feel free to bring more of this to coaching. 🙂 

Question: I would love some therapist and coach suggestions that use the differentiation method. I am ok with either gender but I think my husband will do best with a male.

Answer:

These are some male therapists near you that have been recommended.  I don’t know if they specialize in differentiation

Mike Cox

Steve Eastmond

Dr. Jeremy Boyle

This website has therapists that have extra training in Bowen Theory (differentiation) but none are male in your area.

American Bowen Academy

If you want a coach, I don’t know any males that coach couples but I would recommend Crystal Hansen, who is a marriage coach who coaches couples or Aimee Gianni, who is not only a master coach but also a Marriage and Family Therapist.

Question: During our whole marriage, we have never been able to have a healthy relationship with how we view other people outside of our marriage and celebrities.

If I ever mention that I think a celebrity is attractive, my husband gets protective and weird about it. He asked me many questions and feels defensive. I feel like he has a very fragile ego. I try mentioning that to him and he gets even more defensive.

I don’t feel like I do anything wrong. I just mentioned that I think a person attractive but I am very good about expressing how much I love him and think he is the most attractive to me. Honestly looks amazing! Used to be a personal trainer and works out so much every day. So I know that part of his problem is he has a negative body image.

With his belief system he tells me, he feels like if you think anyone else is more attractive or if you think they are attractive, you should go after them instead.

This goes if any other people that we know personally. I don’t go into it too much really and my mind doesn’t either. I feel like I am pretty wholesome with my thoughts and I just noticed that other people might be a beautiful or attractive too. And especially if we ever do need to get remarried someday, I feel like this is a healthy part of a person to realize who you think is attractive or not. Plus, I think bantering about celebrities is fun sometimes. It is part of our culture.

As I did some of my own coaching, I came to the relization that is it OK to own it! But to also reassure him of my love. However I feel like it is a small battle I have never been able to figure out through our marriage that I am just so curious why he freaks out so much about it. It’s frustrating.

Answer: I think you already know the answer about why he freaks out.  You said it.  His ego is fragile.  He is insecure about it.  He makes you thinking someone is attractive me something about him.  It is 100% okay for you to think other people are attractive. It sounds like you keep things within the bounds that are appropriate, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. It’s totally normal.  But where I think you can do some more self-coaching is why it bothers you when he gets upset about it.  As you know, you can’t change him.  I don’t think pointing out his insecurities is helpful.  But what can you do about things, how do you want to show up knowing that he is going to respond that way? That’s where your work is.

Question: I found it once but I can’t anymore. Where do I find the workbook?

Answer: It’s on the Embrace You! Video Course Page.  I just made it a button, so now it stands out more.

Question: I am having a hard time prioritizing the initial lessons. I read that I should do the first 12 lessons before jumping into calls and classes etc. I have done the first two but have been struggling wanting to make time for it. It seems everything else in my life is more important. By the time I have time for me this doesn’t appeal to me to be what I want to do with my time. But that frustrates me more because I want to want to. I know that doing this will help me and my marriage. I have felt that in just the first two lessons. I love your podcasts and I know I will love what you have to teach. I am frustrated with myself and do not understand my lack of motivation.

Answer: You don’t need to do all of the lessons before coming onto calls and classes.  If you can get through the first two or three, that is best and then you will have a basic understanding of the model and feelings.  The more you can listen to and do, the more you will understand.

I know this is more work, but consider doing a thought download with the question “Why am I procrastinating?” at the top.  Just write what your brain comes up with.  No judgement.  Spend maybe 5-10 minutes and see what your brain says and then bring that back here or to a coaching call.  Another questions to ask yourself is “Why is everything else in my life more important?”  I don’t know the answers to these questions (although I have some guesses based on my years of experience,) but YOU DO!  

C: Embrace You Elite Society
T: I have no motivation
F: Frustrated
A: Don’t do anything
R: Still no motivation

Motivation is a FEELING, which comes from the way you are thinking.  It doesn’t come from nowhere.  So if we can figure out what you are thinking that causes the lack of motivation, then we can work to change it.  I would guess it’s that you are afraid of something.  Fear is usually a big driver of NOT doing something.  What are you afraid of? What are you afraid of getting if you do the work? What would you have to give up? What would have to change? But what would you gain?  Your “WHY” from lesson 1 homework is important.  With the right WHY you will stay motivated to create change, even when it’s hard.

Question: Would you give me a referral for a grief coach please?

Answer: Stephanie Pickle https://ldslifecoaches.com/coaches/stephanie-pickle/

Question: Do I need to need to be in coaching to go to your retreat?

Answer: No, anyone can come to my retreats.

Question:  On a lot of your calls you mention that you tell your spouse things like, “I’m sorry. I love you but that’s something you need to figure out on your own.” “I know that hurts your feelings but it’s not my job to take care of you.” (I’m paraphrasing).
If I said something like that I think my husband would find it belittling and get angry. I know I can’t control his reaction. What do you actually say to your husband and how does he respond?

Answer: It actually doesn’t matter what I say to my husband or how he responds because we as a couple are not the same as YOU and your husband.

If you said something similar and your husband felt belittled and got angry, why is that a problem for you?  I’m guessing because you don’t like the discomfort of HIS negative emotions.  But this is where the dis-entangling happens.  You need to get comfortable with the discomfort of HIS negative emotions.  We are so used to fixing things so everyone can stay happy and comfortable and it actually ends up causing more problems.  The more comfortable you can with discomfort, the better off you will be.  When you stop taking responsibility for others emotions, it will be hard for a little while, but it is also so freeing!  You can hold space for whatever he needs to feel.  You can of course be kind and compassionate.  Of course you don’t want him to feel belittled or angry.  But when you are coming from a genuine place, from the best in you, and not TRYING to make him feel that way, you can just let him feel whatever he needs to feel.  But this also means you need to get to that clean place first.  “I’m so sorry you feel that way, that was not my intention. But I totally understand that you do feel that way if you think it was my intention to hurt you.  I assure you it was not.”

Feel free to post again if you need more clarification.

Question: If your spouse repeatedly betrays your trust by saying one thing to you and a different thing to friends and family in order to people please, how can you trust them? When I don’t feel my heart has been seen or heard, the last thing I want to do is spread my legs for him to have pleasure off my body.

Answer: Sometimes its good judgment not to trust him.  But what is more important is that you trust yourself.  Trust your own judgement.

Question: hi Amanda
I am curious if that other gal (Danelle?) did take her baby home after all? Did she adopt it and did it have any problems? So curious after that coaching session she did with you what ever happened!

Answer: I spoke with her before writing because I wanted to get her permission before answering.  She said that unfortunately, it didn’t pan out.  Prayers for her and her family.  And the baby girl. If you feel inclined to support her family and their adoption (because it is sooooo expensive) you can donate directly through Venmo @beckstrandadoption

Question: I was feeling really excited about General conference this weekend. I studied a talk this morning from last October’s conference and several things in it triggered some anxious feelings and now I’m going into this weekend feeling anxious. I’m trying to let my body work through the feeling without fighting it. I see how my attitude shifted from being patient with my kids to being short and impatient with them as I’ve felt this anxiety stir around in my chest. How can I allow this feeling/triggers from this particular talk sit on a shelf without letting it get in the way for the rest of the weekend?

Answer: It would be helpful to understand what triggered you in the first place.  But just know that it is ok to NOT watch conference.  It is ok to walk away or turn it off if something is triggering for you.  It’s also ok to feel whatever you need to feel.  Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do.

Question: What if you don’t find your partner attractive anymore? Whether it’s aging, weight gain, or realizing you never really were in the first place? Sex feels repulsive.

Answer: Have you listened to episode 72 of the podcast?  Attraction is about so much more than physical.  As we age, we all change.  If we base our attraction strictly on the physical we are all going to be sorely disappointed eventually.  While it’s true the a part of attraction is instinctual and biological, the majority of it is the way we choose to think about our partner.  If you choose to focus on what you don’t like, your brain will continue to find evidence that it is true.  If you purposely focus on what you do find attractive, your brain will work on finding those.  Have you done the 100 things I love about my spouse in the workbook?  Start there.  Decide what you DO find attractive and focus on that.

The thought that “sex is repulsive” is different than attraction.  Do a thought download on that thought and upload it here and then we can dissect it separately.

Question: I’ve been married for almost 12 years. My husband has been viewing pornography and chatting with people in chatrooms since he was a young teen. I only realized the extent of all this about 3 years ago. We started with the LDS church’s 12 step program (didn’t work out), psychology books, lectures, workbooks, podcasts, you name it we’ve done it. I found you, Amanda, about a year and a half ago, and I feel like I’ve done a TON of growing! I’ve started exploring my own sexuality, I did coaching, etc. I’m by no means perfect and know I could still do lots of work, but I feel like I’ve made TONS of progress in the sexual realm compared to when we started.
Lately, my husband has not been initiating at all, until it’s been a week or more. I’ve been trying to ask him about what’s’ bothering him and he just clams up and says “nothing in particular”. It’s been this way for a month or so. Last night, my husband explained to me that he’s turned on while I’m still at work, like in the late afternoon/early evening time, but once we go to bed after the kids are down, he just shuts down any desire for intimacy on purpose because although some things have changed, and I’ve tried new things that he’s wanted to do, it’s ‘still basically the same as it always was and probably won’t ever change’ so he should just teach himself to not want sex. Because reality won’t live up to his fantasies, it would be easier to just not want it altogether.
I’m getting blamed for ‘things not being any better’. He thinks things aren’t the same? To me, everything has changed!! I feel exhausted from the emotional overhaul I’ve gone through to try and desire sex more, be open to trying new things, initiating more, etc. I feel like I’ve done so much work to adapt, change, grow. I’ve done the work sheets, I’ve done the thought downloads, listened to the podcasts, talked out my thoughts to him, etc. And he’s done some of those things too, but not to the extent that I have. When I have tried to encourage him to journal, talk to me, etc. he just shuts down, brushes it off, etc. When I call him out on destructive thought patterns, he gets defensive “That’s just how my brain works, I can’t change it.” He’s done group things over zoom too, tried a few different online programs, but never finishes. He tries one time, and if it’s not ‘life-changing & amazing’ it’s not good enough, not helpful, nothing will change, etc.
I’m so frustrated! I understand that before I knew about his porn & chat room use, I just didn’t want sex that much and wished and wished that he would change. My life would be easier if he just desired sex the same amount that I did, which wasn’t a lot. And now, the roles have reversed. I’m trying to change and feel like I have, a LOT, but it’s still not good enough. He hasn’t changed things. He still looks at porn, still uses chat rooms, hides his phone from me, won’t talk to me, etc. but even with all the changes I made, I’m not up to par with his fantasies. I don’t want sex ALL. THE. TIME. I’m still “not as interested in it as much as he is”; therefore he’s giving up, and killing his own desire whenever we do have the chance to have sex, because if it’s not the way he wants it, it’s not worth it, and there’s other important things in life so he should just give up on this.
I know I can’t change him, I’m not responsible for him, but how do I answer back to that? That conversation completely killed my desire. Why am I doing all of this, if it’s never going to be good enough? If he’s not going to put in the work to change his thought patterns? If he’s not going to try to stop looking at porn and chatting to random people in chat rooms? If he won’t trust me around his phone? If it’s not a good sex life unless I like sex as much as him, do the things that he fantasizes, then we just shouldn’t have a sex life at all? I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to encourage instead of belittle. And I don’t want to belittle, or blame because it’ll just shut him down more. How can I approach this in a way that will facilitate understanding and growth? I’m at a loss…

Answer: Why are you doing this? Are you doing this for him or are you doing it for you?  He may never put the work in to change himself, so that’s when you have to decide what you want for yourself and for the marriage going forward.  Can you be happy as things are now, knowing that you have done the work on you for a reason, or not? Only you know that answer.  You can’t force him to change or grow, you can only do that for yourself.

Question: I listened to your class from Feb ’21 on Love. I wondered what are some thoughts to use to develop the feelings of unconditional love for myself, my husband, and those around me? “I love you” doesn’t always produce those feelings.

Answer: Each of us is going to have different thoughts that produce those feelings for us, so I can’t tell you what thoughts are going to create those feelings in you.  It also depends on the circumstance.  I would begin, instead, by asking myself the question…”What would look like love in this situation?” and go from there.

Question: I really struggle with manuals. I feel like I was able to let some of them go during the 12-weeks but lately I’ve discovered I have some pretty rigid manuals for my kids. Especially with Christmas traditions, I “expect” everyone to be engaged and participating and I know with a 4 & 2 year old that isn’t realistic. But then I take it personally, “why am I even doing this if no one cares?” I think I know the answer-just let you of your manual. But how can I do that? I need to go back and redo that week with my children as my focus, but any quick answers?

Answer: I think you need to ask yourself some questions here.  Why does everyone need to be engaged and participating? Why ARE you doing it? What are you making it mean when they don’t? What do make it mean when they do? 

Question: I keep hearing from friends and family about how “Everything changes” physically and sexually when women go through menopause. I’m not at that point yet, but I would love to know what I can do now to prepare physically and mentally so that this can be a time when my husband and I are still connecting intimately. So many people I talk to say their sex lives went downhill when they got to that point. Do you have any suggestions? I’m not even sure what to expect because I can’t find anyone willing to talk about it.

Answer: I’ll be honest, I don’t know a lot about it at this point.  But, I have reached out to a friend who knows much more about this subject and invited her to come on my podcast to talk about it.  That should be happening in June.
In the meantime, I do know that the main issues are thinning vaginal tissue, decreased lubrication, irritability, hormone shifting, and physical discomfort like hot flashes, etc.  Desire can often decrease from these issues.  But if you can address and solve them, then things shouldn’t be too bad.

Question: I’m having a hard time finding pleasure. I don’t know if it’s an actual physical problem or if it’s a mental thing that I’m somehow not allowing myself to feel pleasure. My husband wants so badly for me to find something that is pleasurable because we both know exactly how he feels pleasure but are stumped when it comes to me. It’s disheartening, and last night he even said that I was broken. It made me feel even worse than I already feel. He knew that wasn’t the best thing to say and apologized later, but it’s just been hard. I do feel pleasure sometimes, but it’s not very often and not enough to make me actually crave it. Last week we bought an expensive sex toy (the WeVibe Chorus) to try something else, but it didn’t do much for me unfortunately, which is what kind of confirmed in his mind that I am broken. I have gotten some enjoyment out of a rabbit vibrator that we have, but that’s the only thing I’ve found that works. Even then, though, it’s not something that I crave. The times that I do enjoy sex have been more about my connection to him and our closeness than my own actual pleasure. I want to be able to feel pleasure more and have this be something that I actually want. What can I do mentally to help me with pleasure?

Answer: Well thinking you are broken isn’t helping anything!  Figuring out how you personally feel pleasure is a process.  Try working on the Roadmap to Personal Pleasure in your workbook.  You can also try a different kind of vibrator. Some people have more luck with one that does an air pulse.  The Satisfyer Pro, The Womanizer, or the Lelo Sona Cruise (it does a sonic pulse) are all good options.  Spending some time by yourself with may help too.  Making sure you are getting time to connect to you.

Connection is an important piece, so don’t discount that.  But you are NEVER going to be a man and probably not crave it like he does.  Women just don’t have the testosterone, which is what drives me to want it.  But finding what works for you is a process that is well worth your time.

Question: Ever since I have had my 1st son, I feel this ticking time bomb where I have to have my kids a certain age apart, or that I have to be thinking when I’m going to have another child. I know I am not excited about having another child because of postpartum depression/anxiety, and generally not liking the baby stage. Even though I tell myself I won’t even address having another baby until the end of the year, I have this constant thought like a virus, that always reminds me of planning for another baby. I don’t know how to manage these pressures I feel from others & myself, so I can enjoy the present moment of just having one child.

Answer: You can’t feel pressures from others, it’s only from you.  You need to figure out the thought causing the pressure and figure out a different thought, that you can believe, instead.  Even just “I’ll make this decision later, but now I’m focusing on my son.”

The ticking time bomb is also coming from a thought.  What is that one?

Question: Sorry for this being a little long. I shockingly found out a couple days ago that I am pregnant, and we didn’t plan for this at all. I don’t even know how far along I am because I haven’t even had a period since before I got pregnant with my son, who I am still nursing and who just barely turned one. I have been in denial and have been super stressed. It’s kid number three, which means changing a LOT, including needing a new car and many other things. I told my husband, and he is not handling it well at all. He wanted to be done at two kids, and this is shaking his world. I’m not prepped for it either and have my fears, but I’m handling it better than he is. I’m trying to get excited even though I know this is going to be really hard. He’s been gone for work, so I haven’t seen him in person since this news, and we’ve been having a lot of arguments over the phone. He’s seeming to blame me for things (which is dumb) and is so negative. I’m trying to be positive but also allow him the space to feel how he needs to feel. We’re just having a lot of tension. We have a lot of plans and changes coming this year already with potentially moving, job changes, business startups, and we don’t know how to navigate everything now. How can we get through the tension as well as figure out how to deal with all the uncertainty? I know that’s a lot, but any advice or help you have would be super appreciated!

Answer: Well, first off, Congratulations!  While it is unexpected, I personally believe a baby is always a good thing 😉

While we *think* we know what is going to happen the future, we make plans, etc. the future is ALWAYS unknown.  There is always uncertainty, even if we don’t think about it that way.

Right now, your brain is offering you (and your husband) a lot of thoughts that create fear and uncertainty and you are just listening to it and believing it.  Probably not helpful.  But what you CAN be certain about is how you will choose to show up for yourself and your marriage despite your circumstances.

Here’s your current model

C: Pregnant, potentially moving, job changes, business startups.
T: We don’t know how to navigate things
F: Uncertain
A: Worry about everything that might change. Think about all the different options.
R: Still don’t know how to navigate things

And here is a possible intentional model

C: Pregnant, potentially moving, job changes, business startups.
T: We will figure things out as we go because we always do
F: Certain, Confident
A: Make decisions when they come. Trust myself.
R: We figure things out

Try listening to this podcast:
Episode 107 – Uncertainty and Unmet Expectations

Feel free to write again or come onto a call.  Hugs!

Question: I am so frustrated. This morning was what “should have been” a great set up for sex. HE initiated (yay) romantically out of the shower, we had no interruptions from the kids, we had plenty of time and felt relaxed and no distractions.. and still NO excitement/arousal/passion from me or my body, even when I kept redirecting my thoughts to the moment, my body, and my positive mantra of “I can create meaningful sex” I am so tired of this crap and trying without getting any positive results.

Answer: I am so sorry! You’ve been in this pattern for a long time, so it might take more than one encounter for things to change.  But if he is finally pursuing you and initiating, then hopefully that is leading you in the right direction!

Question: You answered a question today about pain during sex, and part of it was to make sure to be fully aroused before insertion. Does that mean orgasm before? I usually do with a vibrator before he comes in, but I’m not necessarily fully aroused anymore once I’ve orgasmed (maybe I’m weird! 🙂 ) I have pain during sex sometimes because of babies and have done some pelvic floor physical therapy, but I’m wondering if we should insert before I orgasm so that I’m aroused.

Answer: Your vaginal canal should still be open and lubricated after you orgasm so that it intercourse isn’t painful.  So if it is, you can definitely try insertion beforehand or try using more lube.  You might need to experiment and see what works best.

Question: Sometimes when I notice that I want to make changes in any aspect of coaching or life, I suddenly feel like “I’m always the problem” or “why do I have to be the one always making changes” or I’m feeling broken or “why can’t I feel this way”. It’s difficult for me to overcome these thoughts about feeling broken or less than perfect, or just straight up invalidated by what I’m feeling. How do I get over that gut response that gets in the way of actually doing anything to make the changes I want to? I feel like there’s a few things about perfection, control, and invalidation that just seems to be tied to every struggle I have.

Answer: The thoughts aren’t the problem, it’s what you are making them mean.  What if you just noticed that they were there and didn’t judge yourself for having them or didn’t let them stop you.  Just notice them, allow them, and move on.  “Ah, there’s that thought again.  Silly brain.”

Our brain’s job is to keep us alive.  When we want to do anything new or different, it’s thinks it is keeping us safe by telling us these things so that we don’t get hurt later.  Your brain is actually working perfectly.

Question: I’ve noticed lately that during intimacy with my husband I actually sometimes like more than a soft touch – hard to describe but maybe a little bit rough without any pain? I would describe it as wanting to feel more passion. How do you keep intimacy sacred and safe but yet bring in a little more passion without crossing the line into becoming aggressive?

Answer: Why can’t aggressive be sacred and safe?  As long as both partners want it and are ok with it, aggressive and passionate lovemaking can be fun and bring you closer together.  It’s all about creating goodness between the two of you and there is no “right or wrong” when it comes to sex.  Sacred doesn’t just mean soft and gentle.  It means that is brings the two of you closer together.

Question: You mentioned someone who has an FHE lesson around thought work. Can you please share the link for that? Thank you!

Answer: Yes! Jody Moore.  Family Home Evening Lessons

Question: Hi Amanda, My husband and I are doing great. Our relationship has never been better or stronger. I apologize for this off-topic, that is non-relational, challenge, but it is the biggest struggle I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle. My issue is the loss of freedoms from unconstitutional government mandates. In trying to run the model, I am struggling to find an intentional model that will bring peace. The unintentional model: Circumstance: The governor has no constitutional authority to make law, yet keeps shutting things down and is threatening fines and arrests for even having more than six people in a home for Thanksgiving. I have five children, so we have a family of seven. The only reason that the mandate works this year is that one of my children is serving a mission for six more weeks. Thought: Freedom of choice is being taken away and is not expected to be given back. Feeling: Helplessness Actions: Civil disobedience when I feel I can. Otherwise, following the mandates, which is not living with integrity because I feel I should be fighting back, not cowering. Results: I allow the governor to take my choices away by living with the declared guidelines.. What does an intentional model look like? I want to feel peace, but it’s hard to figure out how to do that. I can’t change the circumstances coming from the government, but I don’t know how to change the thought in a way that will bring peace. Pretending that freedom will be restored before the millennium is like living in denial, and although it could bring peace, denial doesn’t seem like the right answer either. How do I get an intentional model that brings peace and helps me live within my integrity and understanding of the signs of the times? I really could use some help sorting this out, if you are willing. If it is better via email, I totally understand.

Answer: Hi! You can ask me ANYTHING here.  Doesn’t need to be relational 🙂

So here’s your problem – your circumstance in your unintentional model is your thoughts…not facts.  They feel VERY true for you.  They feel like facts.  But they aren’t.  You also have other thoughts spread throughout your model. We need to be very factual in the C line and keep your thoughts to the T line.

So your model actually looks like this.

C: The governor doesn’t have constitutional authority. He has shut things down and says words about fines and arrests.  The mandate says no more than 6 people in a home at Thanksgiving.  I have 6 people in my home this year.

And then you have a lot of thoughts about it
– He is threatening us
– This wouldn’t work for my family if my son was home from his mission
– Freedom of choice is being taken away
– It might not be given back
– If I follow the mandates I am not in integrity with myself
– I should fight back, now cower
– He’s taking my choices away with his declared guidelines

F: Helplessness (which though is this coming from?)
A: (What do you do when you feel helpless? Civil disobedience doesn’t come from helplessness).
R: (would depends on the T, F, and A)

So, for your intentional model we need to figure out what is going to work best for you so that you can feel like you have integrity.

C: The governor doesn’t have constitutional authority. He has shut things down and says words about fines and arrests.  The mandate says no more than 6 people in a home at Thanksgiving.  I have 6 people in my home this year.

T: ???

F: Integrity

A: (What would you do in the circumstance to be in integrity with yourself?)

R:

Feel free to post your response and we will add to this discussion.

Question: How do we stay calm and focus on peace when all of those we conversate with want to discuss the state of the world and how horrible it is? I always bring gratitude into the conversation but I”m getting exhausted listening to the voices of despair! I can’t cut these people out of my life. One of them is my mother and she’s 80 and very worried and sad for our country. I feel bad for her and it is bringing me down.

Answer: How do we stay calm? By thinking thoughts that create the feeling of calm.  Watch your thoughts….

T: They think the state of the world is horrible
T: They are the voices of despair
T: It’s exhausting listening to them
T: She’s worried and sad for our country and I feel bad for her
T: She brings me down

Do these thoughts bring you peace and calm?  I’m guessing no.  What could bring you peace and calm?

T: She can think whatever she wants and it’s ok.
T: I can stay peaceful no matter what others think

Question:  Lately I have had problems being able to orgasm. My spouse is very attentive and determined which does put a little pressure on me. I appreciate his determination but I get sooooo close and I will stay close but just can’t let go. We have talked about it and I’m perplexed. I don’t feel a huge amount of pressure but could this be the problem?

Answer: The problem is almost always what is going on in your brain.  Sometimes we don’t orgasm, even when we get close.  But worrying about if you are going to or not usually just makes it worse.  I would go back to basics.  Focus on pleasure and connection and not orgasm.  If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  The pressure you feel is from the way YOU are thinking, not what he is DOING.  Remember to stay relaxed and also let him know that while an orgasm would be nice, you just want to focus on connecting and pleasure.

Question: Hey Amanda! So i’ve noticed that when my husband and I have sex two days in a row it seems almost impossible for me to orgasm both times. I’m wondering if this is normal or if there is anything I can do to help with it. Thanks!

Answer: Just like men have a refractory period  (the time between an orgasm and when you feel ready to be sexually aroused again), so do women.  It varies for each individual.  For some it’s short, and some it’s longer.  It can be minutes to days.

There are three key factors affecting refractory period length that you may be able to control: arousal, sexual function, and overall health.

To boost arousal:

• Switch up how often you have sex. A different sex schedule may result in a different refractory period.
• Try a new position. Different positions mean different sensations. For example, you may find that you’re more in control of your arousal if you’re on top of your partner or if they’re on top of you.
• Experiment with erogenous zones. Have your partner pull, twist, or pinch your ears, neck, nipples, lips, and other sensitive, nerve-dense areas.
• Fantasize or role-play. Think about situations that turn you on and share them with your partner.

For sexual function, make sure you are doing your kegals. And overall health, the usual; diet and exercise.