Today we are going to talk about a topic that’s all too common but not often discussed—sexual martyrdom in marriage. We’re going to talk about what it means to be a sexual martyr, why it’s detrimental to your relationship and yourself, and how to recognize and shift out of this mindset. So, let’s get started.

What is Sexual Martyrdom?

First, let’s define what it means to be a sexual martyr. Essentially, it’s when one partner consistently sacrifices their own needs, desires, and boundaries for the sake of their spouse. While this might seem noble on the surface, it can create a whole host of problems both in your relationship and within yourself.

Choosing to become a sexual martyr often stems from a complex mix of personal beliefs, societal pressures, and relationship dynamics. Let’s unpack some of the common reasons.

1. Cultural and Religious Beliefs

Many people grow up in cultures or religious communities that place a high value on self-sacrifice and duty within marriage. Sacrifice (and specifically self-sacrifice within marriage) has been the topic of MANY church talks by leaders in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  In 2020, Elder David A Bednar, in an address titled The Divinely Designed Pattern of Marriage, said “This vision of marriage as a holy order based on enduring covenants, duties, and lifelong sacrifice stands in stark contrast to a modern secular concept of marriage. That worldly formulation has virtually nothing to do with losing your life in service to family or in self-sacrifice for spouse and children.”

It is with talks and quotes like this that many learned that a “good” spouse always puts their partner’s needs first, even at the expense of their own well-being. This can create a sense of obligation to be a martyr in the relationship.

2. Fear of Conflict

Some individuals become sexual martyrs because they fear conflict and the consequences of saying “no.” They worry that expressing their own needs or setting boundaries might lead to arguments, rejection, or their partner withdrawing from them and becoming emotionally distant. To avoid these potential conflicts, they choose to silently sacrifice their own desires.

3. Low Self-Worth

Low self-esteem can also play a significant role. When someone doesn’t value themselves or their needs, they might believe they don’t deserve to have their desires met. This can lead to a pattern of constant giving without expecting anything in return, reinforcing a cycle of martyrdom.

4. Desire to Please

There are those who derive a sense of identity and worth from pleasing others. They feel validated when their spouse is happy, even if it means ignoring their own needs. This desire to be seen as the “perfect” partner can drive them to consistently sacrifice their own well-being.

5. Misunderstanding Love and Sacrifice

There’s often a misconception that love is all about sacrifice. While compromise is indeed a part of any healthy relationship, it becomes problematic when it’s one-sided and leads to self-neglect. People might mistakenly equate their martyrdom with being loving and devoted.

Do They Realize It’s a Choice?

This brings us to the crucial question: Do people realize it’s a choice?  Many people who become sexual martyrs do not realize it’s a choice. Their actions are often rooted in deep-seated beliefs and patterns that have been reinforced over time. They might not see an alternative way of being in the relationship, believing that this is simply their role.

When sacrifice becomes normalized in a relationship, it can be hard to recognize it as a choice. For example, if Jane has always put John’s needs first and this dynamic has been in place for years, it becomes their “normal.” Jane might not even question whether there’s another way to approach their intimacy.  But over time she may recognize that she feels resentful and doesn’t feel as close to him as she thinks she should.

Even when there is an awareness that they are choosing martyrdom, the fear of change can be paralyzing. The idea of asserting their own needs and potentially disrupting the relationship dynamics can be daunting. The comfort of the familiar, even if it’s uncomfortable, often outweighs the uncertainty of change.  This is where a lot of women come to me.  They know something is wrong, but they don’t know how to fix it and are afraid of rocking the boat. They feel they lack the tools or support to make a different one. They might not know how to communicate their needs effectively or fear they won’t be understood or respected by their partner.  This is where coaching can help.

Let’s break it down with an example. Imagine Jane and John. Jane has always been the one to put John’s needs first in their sex life. She agrees to have sex even when she’s tired, not in the mood, or even when it causes her discomfort. She does this because she believes it’s her duty as a wife, or perhaps she thinks it will make John happier and thus improve their marriage. Over time, Jane starts to feel resentful. She feels unheard and unappreciated, leading to emotional distance between her and John.

This situation often leads to what’s known as the “poor me” attitude. Jane might start to think, “Why is it always me who has to give in? Why can’t John see how much I’m sacrificing?” This mindset not only fosters resentment but also positions Jane as a perpetual victim in her marriage. She feels powerless and overlooked, which can erode her self-esteem and sense of identity.

Interestingly, being a martyr can also lead to a “one-up” position. Jane might begin to think, “I’m the better spouse because I sacrifice more. I’m more giving, more loving, more selfless.” This creates a sense of superiority that isn’t healthy. It can make her feel morally righteous but also lonely and disconnected from John because she views herself as being on a higher plane of sacrifice.

Conversely, the martyr can also feel in a “one-down” position, feeling like a victim. Jane might see herself as less powerful in the relationship because she constantly gives in. This dynamic can create a cycle of negativity where Jane feels trapped, undervalued, and resentful, while John might feel pressured, guilty, or even oblivious to Jane’s true feelings.

This martyrdom affects the relationship in significant ways. Communication breaks down because Jane isn’t expressing her true needs and desires. John might start to feel a mix of confusion, frustration, or guilt, sensing Jane’s unhappiness but not understanding the root cause. The intimacy they once shared starts to diminish because their sexual relationship is no longer based on mutual pleasure and respect but on duty and sacrifice.

Breaking Free from Martyrdom

So, how do we break free from this destructive cycle? It starts with self-awareness and honest communication. Jane needs to recognize her own worth and understand that her needs are just as important as John’s. She needs to set boundaries and express her desires openly.

For example, instead of agreeing to sex out of obligation, Jane might say, “I love being close to you, but I’m really tired tonight. Can we plan for tomorrow?” This way, she’s valuing her own needs while still being considerate of John’s.

An Example of Male Sexual Martyrdom

Now, it’s not just women who are sexual martyrs.  Men can also be martyrs too.

Let’s imagine a couple, Mike and Sarah. Mike is a loving husband who believes that making Sarah happy is the most important part of their marriage. Over time, he starts to put her needs and desires above his own, particularly when it comes to their sexual relationship.

Sarah has a lower sex drive compared to Mike. She often feels tired or stressed, and sex isn’t a priority for her. Mike, wanting to be considerate and supportive, starts to suppress his own desires. He stops initiating sex to avoid making Sarah feel pressured or guilty. Instead, he waits for her to show interest, which happens infrequently. When they do have sex, he focuses entirely on her pleasure, wanting to make sure it’s a good experience for her but often doesn’t voice his own wants and desires in the bedroom.  He doesn’t want to scare her with his sexuality or pressure her to do something she doesn’t want to do.  

Mike is your classic “nice guy.”  Initially, he feels good about being accommodating and selfless. However, as time goes on, he starts to feel frustrated and unfulfilled. He misses the intimacy and connection that comes with a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Mike’s resentment builds, but he doesn’t voice his feelings because he doesn’t want to seem demanding or selfish.

Mike’s self-sacrifice leads him to develop a “poor me” attitude. He starts to think, “Why doesn’t Sarah care about my needs? Why do I always have to be the one to compromise? Why do I always have to be the one to initiate?” This mindset deepens his sense of dissatisfaction and disconnect from Sarah. He feels unappreciated and begins to withdraw emotionally.

Interestingly, Mike might also find himself in a “one-up” position, thinking, “I’m the better spouse because I’m the one who sacrifices more. I’m more understanding and considerate.” This can create a sense of moral superiority that isn’t healthy for the relationship. It leads to a silent judgment of Sarah, further driving a wedge between them.

Conversely, Mike might also feel in a “one-down” position, seeing himself as a victim of the situation. He feels powerless and trapped, believing that expressing his needs will only cause conflict or hurt Sarah. This reinforces a cycle of silence and sacrifice, perpetuating his unhappiness.

As a man, Mike might worry that if he expresses his needs, Sarah will reject him, causing him emotional pain and further distancing them.  He wants to be seen as a supportive and understanding partner. He believes that by putting Sarah’s needs first, he’s fulfilling his role as a good husband. This desire can drive him to continuously sacrifice his own needs.

Shifting the Perspective

To move away from sexual martyrdom, it’s essential to shift perspective and realize that everyone has the right to have their needs and boundaries respected.  A healthy relationship requires a balance of giving and receiving.

Building a Balanced Relationship

Building a balanced relationship requires both partners to be aware of each other’s needs and to communicate openly. It’s about creating a space where both partners feel valued, heard, and respected. This not only improves the sexual relationship but also strengthens the emotional bond between partners.

Sometimes, breaking free from these patterns requires professional help.  That is why I love coaching couples so much.  We often don’t see how we are contributing to the dynamic that has been created.  We just think our partner needs to change so that we can be happy.  But in couples coaching, I help each partner see their part of the dynamic and give them the tools to change it.  I coach them on how to have more productive conversations, how to stay calm during conflict, and work together to create better solutions where both partners are valuing themselves and each other’s needs, wants, and desires in the relationship.

Being a sexual martyr might seem like a noble sacrifice, but it ultimately harms both you and your relationship. By recognizing this pattern, communicating openly, and setting healthy boundaries, you can foster a more fulfilling and balanced relationship.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected.