Blog

Sexual shame is one of the most powerful emotions we can experience, and when it’s tied to something as personal and intimate as sexuality, the impact can be profound. A few weeks ago, in my episode on prolonging arousal, I touched on sexual shame in men and promised I’d do an entire episode about it because it isn’t talked about much and needs to be talked about more. So, in this episode, we’re delving into this much needed topic: sexual shame in men—what it is, how it manifests differently from women, the factors that contribute to it, and the steps men can take to heal. 

What Is Sexual Shame?

Let’s start by understanding what sexual shame actually is and why it’s such a significant issue.

Sexual shame refers to the feeling that there’s something inherently wrong, dirty, or sinful about one’s sexual thoughts, desires, or behaviors. This isn’t just embarrassment or discomfort; it’s a deep, internalized sense of unworthiness tied to sexuality. For example, a man might feel ashamed for being aroused by something he’s been told is inappropriate, even if it’s completely natural and harmless. This shame creates barriers to healthy sexual expression, intimacy, and even self-acceptance.

Imagine a man who grows up in a conservative household where any discussion of sex is avoided and sex, masturbation, or even pornography is labeled as bad. As he enters adulthood, he may struggle to see his sexual desires as normal, causing him to suppress them or feel guilty every time they arise. If he masturbates or looks at pornography, he sees himself as a bad person and unworthy of love from others, including his spouse and God.  This internal conflict is the essence of sexual shame. Other examples include men who avoid looking at their own bodies in the mirror, fearing judgment, or men who immediately feel shame or disgust after experiencing pleasure, as if they have done something wrong.

How Does Sexual Shame Look Different for Men? 

While sexual shame impacts both men and women, it manifests differently due to societal and cultural expectations. Men are often expected to be confident, dominant, and always ready for sex. This creates a paradox where they must hide any vulnerability or insecurity, even if they feel it deeply.

For instance, a woman’s sexual shame might stem from messages about purity and passivity, while a man’s might revolve around the belief that he should always want sex and perform perfectly. A man who struggles with arousal or performance might feel like he’s failed at being a “real man,” which only deepens the shame.

Examples of how this shame manifests include a man avoiding sex altogether out of fear of not living up to expectations, or overcompensating by pursuing exaggerated sexual behaviors to mask his insecurities. Others might exhibit shame by being overly critical of themselves or their partners during intimate moments, creating a barrier to true emotional and physical connection. For example, a man might refuse to discuss fantasies or desires, labeling them as “weird” or “wrong,” when they are completely normal.

What Are Some Causes of Sexual Shame in Men? 

Sexual shame in men often has roots in early experiences and societal conditioning. Here are some common causes:

• Religious Teachings: Many men grow up with religious messages that equate sexual thoughts or behaviors with sin. For example, a teenage boy who is told that masturbation is sinful might carry that guilt into adulthood, associating any sexual act with wrongdoing. A man might also fear that his natural urges are a sign of moral weakness, leading him to repress or deny his sexuality.
• Family Dynamics: If parents avoid conversations about sex or scold a child for exploring their body, it creates a lasting impression that sexuality is taboo. A man might recall being caught masturbating as a teen and being yelled at, reinforcing a sense of shame around his sexual desires. This could lead to long-term anxiety about his body and its natural responses.
• Societal Expectations: Society often portrays men as hypersexual beings who should always be ready and willing. This puts immense pressure on men to conform to an unrealistic standard. A man who doesn’t fit this mold may feel like there’s something wrong with him, like if he doesn’t always initiate, if his sex drive fluctuates, or he struggles with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.
• Gender Narratives: Messages that “sex is something you do to a woman” can make men fear harming their partner or coming across as overly aggressive. This leads to a hesitation that’s rooted in shame rather than genuine care or connection. For example, a man might feel paralyzed when initiating intimacy, unsure how to balance desire with respect, like we talked about in Episode 349 on Objectifying your Spouse.

What Are the Results of Sexual Shame in Men? 

Sexual shame doesn’t just stay internal; it impacts relationships, emotional health, and even physical well-being. Here are some of the common outcomes:

1. Performance Issues: Anxiety caused by shame often manifests physically, leading to premature ejaculation (PE) or erectile dysfunction (ED). A man might overthink his performance so much that he’s unable to relax and enjoy the moment. For example, he might replay past “failures” in his mind, which only worsens the issue.
2. Control and Suppression: Men might suppress their sexual desires to avoid feelings of guilt, which can lead to resentment or emotional disconnect in their relationships. For example, a husband might avoid initiating intimacy with his wife, fearing she’ll see him as “overly sexual.” Suppressed desires might also come out in unhealthy ways, like irritability or passive-aggressive behavior.
3. Emotional Disconnect: Shame creates walls between partners. A man who feels ashamed of his sexuality might struggle to be vulnerable or emotionally present during sex, leaving his partner feeling distant or unimportant. An example of this might be a man who uses humor or distractions during intimate moments to avoid facing his own discomfort.
4. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: To manage their shame, some men turn to compulsive pornography use or other distractions, which only mask the deeper issue. Others might self-medicate with substances, further distancing themselves from addressing the root of the problem. For instance, a man might spend hours gaming to escape his feelings of inadequacy.

How Do We Fix Sexual Shame in Men? 

Healing from sexual shame requires awareness, effort, and support. Here are some strategies to help:

1. Building Awareness and Understanding: The first step is recognizing the origins of sexual shame. Reflecting on experiences and identifying harmful beliefs is crucial. For example, a man might realize his shame started when he was taught that his body was “dirty” during puberty. Journaling or talking with trusted friends can be a good starting point.
2. Therapy and Coaching: Professional support can be invaluable. A therapist or coach can help men unpack societal, religious, or familial influences. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be especially effective in reframing negative thought patterns around sexuality. For instance, therapy might help a man understand that his fantasies are not shameful but a natural part of his humanity.
3. Practices like Tantra and Mindfulness: Tantra emphasizes connecting with your body and experiencing pleasure without judgment. Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing during intimacy, can help men stay present and reduce overthinking. For example, instead of focusing on “performance,” a man might focus on the sensation of touch, creating a more meaningful connection.
4. Education and Reframing: Learning that sexuality is a natural and healthy part of being human can transform perspectives. Reframing masculinity to include vulnerability and emotional connection helps men feel more comfortable with their true selves. For instance, a man might read books or take courses that redefine strength as openness and authenticity.
5. Healthy Communication with Partners: Sharing fears and insecurities with a supportive partner can deepen intimacy and reduce shame. For instance, a man might express his anxiety about initiating sex, creating an opportunity for mutual understanding and reassurance. Partners can also work together to rewrite their sexual narratives, fostering collaboration rather than fear.
6. Reconnecting with the Body: Practices like yoga or movement therapy can help release shame stored in the body. Celebrating the body’s ability to experience pleasure without guilt fosters a healthier relationship with oneself. For example, a man might practice self-compassion exercises to counteract years of negative self-talk.

Sexual shame in men is deeply rooted but entirely possible to overcome. By becoming aware of its origins, embracing new perspectives, and seeking support, men can move toward a more fulfilling and shame-free sexual identity. If you or someone you love is struggling, know that help and healing are available.

If this episode resonated with you, I encourage you to explore these topics further through therapy, coaching, or even just open conversations. For more resources, visit my website or reach out for one-on-one support. Together, we can break free from the cycle of shame and create healthier, happier relationships.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.