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Today, we’re tackling a delicate and crucial topic: managing your spouse’s sexuality. We’ll explore what this means, why people do it, and how it affects both higher and lower desire partners. We’ll also discuss why it might not be the best approach and what to do if you find yourself in this situation.

What Does Managing Your Spouse Mean?

As humans and spouse’s we are really good at mapping our spouse.  What they are feeling.  What their intentions are.  Managing your spouse generally refers to trying to control or influence their feelings, behaviors, actions, or decisions. Instead of being intimate and honest and kind we are being nice, which doesn’t produce intimacy and connection.  It can happen in various aspects of the relationship, from daily routines to significant life choices.  It can involve direct actions, such as giving unsolicited advice or setting rules, or more subtle approaches, like using guilt or passive-aggressive comments. It can mean avoiding certain topics of discussion, because you know it always causes problems.  It can involve manipulating the situation so as to not cause problems.  Many people describe this managing as “walking on eggshells.”  It often stems from a place of concern, fear, or even love and the intention might be to help.  Sometimes we manage our spouse because we genuinely believe we’re helping them or protecting them.  But managing often leads to tension and imbalance in the relationship.

For example, a wife may know that if the house is a mess, the kids are noisy, if dinner isn’t ready, when her husband walks in the door he is immediately irritated and he acts out of his irritability by being short with her and the kids.  So to avoid this and “manage” him, she tries to make sure that everything is perfect when he walks in the door.

Or maybe a wife has sex with her husband to manage him because she knows that he’s not as grumpy with her and the kids, he’s better behaved, and more connected emotionally.  She feels she has to manage him because he has shown her he isn’t as kind to her if she doesn’t.  Duty sex often falls under this umbrella.

Conversely, let’s say that sex is really important to the husband.  But he knows that every time he brings it up, she either goes into a 1-up position, gets angry and accuses him of not caring about anything but sex or that she goes to a 1-down position and feels like she is never enough.  So to manage her and the situation he just stops bringing it up.

Managing your spouse might work in the short term because you can influence them to act in a way you think is best. However, this approach can lead to resentment, miscommunication, and a lack of trust over time. When one partner feels controlled or managed, it can create an imbalance in the relationship and undermine intimacy and mutual respect.

What Does Managing Your Spouse’s Sexuality Mean?

When we talk about managing your spouse’s sexuality, we mean trying to control or influence their sexual desires, behaviors, and expressions. This can include dictating how often you have sex, how they should express their desires, or even how they should feel about their own sexuality. It’s about trying to mold their sexual behavior to fit your own expectations or comfort levels.

For higher desire partners, managing might involve pressuring their spouse to have sex more frequently, expressing frustration or disappointment when their needs aren’t met, or trying to initiate intimacy in ways that feel coercive.

Lower desire partners might manage their spouse’s sexuality by setting strict limits on when and how sex can happen, withholding sex, avoiding conversations about sex, using sex as a bargaining tool, or using excuses to avoid intimacy. Both approaches can lead to resentment and a breakdown in communication.

Managing your spouse’s sexuality might work temporarily because it can create immediate change or compliance. However, it often fails in the long run because it undermines trust, respect, and genuine intimacy. True sexual connection thrives on mutual consent, understanding, and a balance of needs and desires. The partner being managed may feel controlled and devalued, while the managing partner may feel increasingly frustrated and disconnected.  Managing your spouse and being managed both feel icky.  It doesn’t feel good to either person.

People might manage their spouse’s sexuality for various reasons:

• Fear and Insecurity: Fear of losing their partner or feeling insecure about their own desirability can lead to controlling behaviors.
• Desire for Control: Some people feel the need to control situations to feel secure and safe.
• Past Experiences: Previous relationships or experiences can influence how someone approaches sexuality in their marriage.
• Misunderstanding: A lack of understanding about their partner’s needs and feelings can lead to misguided attempts to manage their behavior.
• Conditioning: Based on what a person learned in their family, religion, and society they can have certain beliefs, ideas, and expectations around sex and work to conform their relationship to those ideas and ideals.

If you’ve recognized that you’ve been managing your spouse and want to change here’s what you need to do:

1. Recognize the Behavior – The first step to stopping any behavior is recognizing that it’s happening. Take some time to reflect on your actions and identify how you might be managing your spouse. This could include criticizing, setting strict rules, using guilt, or withholding affection. Acknowledging these behaviors is crucial for change.
2. Understand the Impact – Understand the negative impact that managing your spouse can have on your relationship. It can lead to resentment, a lack of trust, and a breakdown in communication. When you control or manipulate your spouse, it undermines their autonomy and can damage the emotional and sexual intimacy in your marriage.  And I know that it can seem like you are actually helping or even protecting yourself and your children, but it usually isn’t.  The caveat to this is if there is actual abuse going on.
3. Communicate Openly – Open and honest communication is vital. Sit down with your spouse and discuss your realization. Let them know that you recognize your behavior and want to change. Express your desire to work together to create a healthier dynamic. This conversation should be approached with humility and a genuine willingness to listen.
4. Practice Empathy and Respect – Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and try to understand their perspective. Show empathy for their feelings and experiences. Respect their autonomy and right to make their own decisions. This shift in mindset can help you let go of the need to control and instead foster a partnership based on mutual respect.
5. Focus on Building Trust – Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Work on rebuilding trust by being consistent in your actions and words. Show your spouse that they can trust you to respect their boundaries and needs. Trust-building is a gradual process, but it’s essential for long-term relationship health.
6. Set Healthy Boundaries – Healthy boundaries are crucial for both partners. Discuss and establish boundaries that respect each other’s needs and desires. These boundaries should be mutually agreed upon and flexible enough to accommodate changes as your relationship evolves.  Remember boundaries aren’t about control.  They are about letting the other person practice their agency and deciding what you are going to do in the face of that.  It’s about you and your response to their behavior.  Internal boundaries are crucial.  What you allow yourself to do and say based on your integrity.
7. Develop New Communication Skills – Work on developing new communication skills that promote understanding and cooperation rather than control. This includes active listening, expressing your needs without blaming or criticizing, and finding mutually agreeable solutions to conflicts.
8. Seek Professional Help – Sometimes, changing deeply ingrained behaviors can be challenging without professional guidance. Consider seeking help to get valuable tools and strategies to help you and your spouse navigate this change effectively.
9. Be Patient with Yourself and Your Spouse – Change takes time, and it’s essential to be patient with yourself and your spouse. There will be setbacks, and that’s okay. The important thing is to remain committed to the process and keep working towards a healthier dynamic.
10. Celebrate Progress – Acknowledge and celebrate the progress you make along the way. Every step towards a more balanced and respectful relationship is a victory. Celebrating these moments can help reinforce positive behavior and motivate you to continue on this path.

So how do you know if your spouse is managing you? Because we can map our spouse, often you can tell, at some level, that you are being managed, and it usually doesn’t feel good.  

1. Recognize the Signs:  This can include feeling pressured to meet your spouse’s expectations, experiencing guilt or shame when you don’t comply, or feeling like your autonomy is being undermined. It can also mean that everything all of the sudden seems calm and not a problem.  Often things get swept under the rug because our spouse doesn’t want to rock the boat.
2. Understand the Impact: It’s important to understand the impact that being managed can have on you and your relationship. It can lead to feelings of resentment, decreased self-esteem, and a breakdown in communication and trust. Acknowledging these impacts can help you see the necessity of addressing the issue.  Also understanding how you and your behaviors are contributing to the problem of your spouse feeling like they have to manage you can sometimes be applicable.
3. Communicate Openly and Honestly: The next step is to have an open and honest conversation with your spouse. Communicate how their behavior makes you feel and express your need for a more balanced and respectful approach to your relationship and sex.  This can be difficult, but it’s essential for addressing the issue. Here are some tips for effective communication:
   • Choose the Right Time: Find a time when both of you are calm and not distracted.
   • Use “I” Statements: Focus on expressing how you feel rather than blaming your spouse. For example, “I feel controlled when…”
   • Be Specific: Give specific examples of behaviors that make you feel managed.
   • Stay Calm: Keep the conversation calm and avoid getting defensive or accusatory.
4. Focus on Building Mutual Respect: A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and understanding. Focus on building a partnership where both partners feel valued and respected. This involves actively listening to each other, validating each other’s feelings, and working together to find solutions that work for both of you.
5. Be Patient and Persistent: Change takes time, and it’s important to be patient with yourself and your spouse. There will be setbacks, but staying committed to the process is key. Keep working towards a healthier dynamic and celebrate the progress you make along the way.

Again, professional help can be invaluable in resolving these issues and building a healthier dynamic.

That’s it for today’s episode on managing your spouse’s sexuality. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected.