Quite often I get DM’s or emails from listeners and followers asking me how to navigate their sexual relationship with teens in the house.

Here’s a recent DM I received:  I love listening to your podcast. But I often hear you speak about how hard it is to find time for sex when we have young children that take her attention. It always seems to be geared to couples with young kids. I find that our sex life is minimal because I have teenagers. I have found that my husband finds it way more difficult to be intimate when there are teenagers around the home. It’s not as easy to just disappear for a moment together without them wondering where we are and understanding it. We often find ourselves having to wait till 1 o’clock in the morning when they’re finally in bed and we can feel comfortable enough to be intimate at a level where we can actually enjoy it. Most nights it’s so exhausting to wait till they’re fast asleep! If it happens it always seems to be very quick and fast, I’m living in a stage of ongoing quickies.

So, in response to this DM and the other questions and messages I get, I thought I’d address those mid-life couples specifically with teenagers and/or young adults in the home and the challenges we face during this period of our life as well as how to navigate them.

• Navigating Their Schedules

One of the biggest challenges with this age group is working around their schedules. Teenagers and young adults often have busy lives filled with school, extracurricular activities, social events, and part-time jobs. It can feel like you’re constantly in a juggling act, trying to find time for sex.  

One of the couples that I coach would schedule sex on Wednesday nights when their daughter was at their church youth group activity.

Maybe your teen has soccer practice every Tuesday and Thursday evening.  That could be a great opportunity for you and your partner to carve out some intimate time together. 

Planning around these known schedules can help ensure you have some uninterrupted moments. You might also find that there are certain times of day when your house tends to be quieter, such as mid-morning if they are at school, or late afternoon before everyone gets home.

Another tip is to sync your calendars. Have a family calendar where everyone writes down their commitments. This not only helps you plan for alone time but also keeps the family organized. For example, if you notice your child has a weekend camping trip, that’s a golden opportunity for you to plan a romantic evening or even a weekend getaway.

• The Dreaded Walk-In

The fear of your child walking in on you can be a significant deterrent. We’ve all heard horror stories or maybe even experienced this ourselves. It’s important to take precautions to minimize this risk.

Consider installing a lock on your bedroom door if you don’t already have one. This simple step can provide a sense of security and prevent accidental walk-ins. Another tip is to establish boundaries with your children about knocking before entering your bedroom. Explain to them that everyone deserves privacy, and this applies to both their rooms and yours.

You could also use physical barriers, such as putting a chair or a small piece of furniture in front of the door, to ensure it won’t open easily. Another idea is to create a signal system. For instance, a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door can serve as a clear indicator that privacy is needed. This not only helps prevent interruptions but also teaches your kids about respecting personal space.

• The Noise Factor

Another common concern is the possibility of your kids hearing you. Houses can have thin walls, and late-night sounds can easily travel. This can be a significant source of anxiety, making it difficult to fully relax and enjoy your time together..

One practical solution is to use a white noise machine or a fan in your room and theirs to help mask any sounds. Additionally, timing your intimate moments for times when there’s more ambient noise in the house, such as when the kids are watching TV or playing music, can also help. I have a friend who turns on a movie that she knows her teens will watch and then just slips out, often unnoticed.

You could also get creative with location. If your bedroom is too close to theirs, consider other spots in the house that might offer more privacy and noise insulation. For example, if you have a basement or a guest room that’s further away from the kids’ rooms, these could be better options.

• Late-Night Conversations

Teenagers and young adults often want to talk late at night. These heart-to-heart conversations are crucial for building strong relationships with your kids, but they can also eat into your private time with your partner.

It’s important to balance these moments. Set aside specific times for these late-night chats so they don’t completely derail your plans of spending time together. For example, designate Friday nights as family talk time, allowing other evenings to be more flexible for you and your partner.

Also, encourage your kids to communicate their need to talk in advance. If they know they want to have a serious conversation, they can let you know earlier in the evening, allowing you to manage your time better. This way, you can still have those important discussions without sacrificing your private time.

• Waiting Until They’re Asleep

Many parents find themselves waiting until their kids are asleep before they feel comfortable. This often results in a rushed or less satisfying experience because everyone is exhausted by then.

One way to address this is to shift your mindset about when sex can happen. Who says it has to be late at night? Look for opportunities during the day, like a lunch break or an early evening when the kids are preoccupied with their own activities. 

Also, consider weekend mornings when the kids might sleep in. Getting up a bit earlier than usual can provide a window of time together without the pressure of late-night exhaustion.

Changing the Mindset: Why is it a Problem if They Know?

Now, let’s address the underlying issue with all of these things: Why is it a problem if your kids know you are having sex? Often, this comes from feelings of shame or embarrassment. Society has long portrayed sex as a taboo topic, especially within the context of parenthood. But here’s the thing: modeling a healthy sexual relationship is one of the best things you can do for your children.

By demonstrating that sex and intimacy is a normal and important part of a loving relationship, you provide them with a realistic and positive view of what a healthy marriage looks like. This doesn’t mean you need to share explicit details, but rather, be open about the fact that you and your partner value and nurture your relationship.

For example, you might explain that just like they have hobbies, activities, and time with friends that are important to them, you and your partner also have things that are important to maintain a strong bond and you need alone time together. Normalize the idea that sex is a vital part of a marriage and that it’s something to be respected, not hidden away in shame.  If they happen to hear you, they can go put on some music, watch a show, take a walk, etc.

Let’s say your teenager asks why the bedroom door was locked. A simple, “Mom and Dad need some private time together,” can suffice. This not only respects their maturity but also sets a precedent for their future relationships.

Another way to model a good sexual relationship is by showing affection openly but appropriately. Hugging, kissing, and holding hands in front of your kids shows them that physical affection is a natural and loving part of a relationship. This can help them understand that intimacy is not just about sex, but about connection and affection as well.

As you can imagine, we talk fairly openly at our house about sex and my husband and I do our best to model a good, healthy marriage and sexual relationship for them.  We don’t share details but our kids are well aware that we have sex and that we both enjoy it.  By modeling this, our kids feel more open to ask questions and understand that a good sexual relationship is an important part of a good marriage.

I’ve shared this story before, but I think it’s worth sharing again…

A few years ago, my 15-year old daughter came home late one night after being out with her friends and she knocked on our door to let us know that she was home while we were in the middle of things.  I yelled through the door that I’m glad she was home and goodnight and she said “wait…I need to talk to you.”  I told her she’d have to wait and that it would be a little bit before I could come out.  She literally waited right outside my door.  But that didn’t stop things.  We finished what we were doing, I put on my robe, and came out of my bedroom.  She looked at me and said “so, did you have fun?” And I replied wholeheartedly, “YES I DID!”

The reason I love this story is because

1. It models a good sexual relationship.  She knows that I enjoy myself, which is a good thing!  It’s not something I do “just for him” but something I enjoy for myself as well.
2. It shows boundaries.  I didn’t stop in the middle of things to cater to her.  I put my husband and our marriage first.
3. It also shows how a good mindset around sex can counteract something that might normally be a sexual brake.  Even though she interrupted, even though I knew she was still standing outside of the door, that didn’t stop us.  We were able to continue going because of our mindsets around sex.

If you find yourself having sexual brakes, feeling embarrassed or even ashamed if your teenagers or young adults know that you are having sex or can hear you, this is the perfect thing for you to work on in coaching.  Changing your mindset around this can be a game changer and help you feel more comfortable so that your teens and young adults don’t need to interrupt anything.  I have personally never had a problem with this and I believe it’s because of my mindset and lack of shame.  Earlier in my life, I think it definitely would have been a problem because of my mindset around sex and all of the shame I had about my sexuality.  Luckily, I had worked through that before I had teenagers.

Conclusion

So, managing your sexual relationship with teenagers or young adults in the house requires a mix of practical strategies and a shift in mindset. By planning around their schedules, setting boundaries, using noise-masking techniques, and having open conversations, you can create a healthy and respectful environment for intimacy.

Remember, modeling a positive sexual relationship is one of the most powerful lessons you can teach your children. It shows them that love, connection, and intimacy are vital components of a happy, healthy marriage.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.