Do you know what your touch is communicating? We know that physical intimacy is one of the keys in maintaining healthy and satisfying relationships, but non-sexual physical intimacy is just as important, if not more so than sexual intimacy.  Many people are so focused on how to have great sex, but forget about the daily intimacies of touch; the hugs, the kisses, the embraces, the handholding, the importance of touch as a love language and also as a form of foreplay and making love itself.  

How you touch your partner is vital to your relationship.  So today, our focus will be on understanding why touch is vital, the difference between intimate and sexual touch, how to navigate touch when partners have different needs or feel overwhelmed, and ways to build a culture of touch and pleasure in your relationship.  

Why Touch is Vital to Relationships

So why is touch so vital to relationships?  Touch is a foundational aspect of human connection. From the moment we are born, touch is crucial for survival, development, and emotional well-being. In romantic relationships, touch serves as a powerful communicator of love, reassurance, and desire. It has the ability to convey what words sometimes cannot, building a bridge of understanding and empathy between partners.

Touch serves as a powerful form of non-verbal communication, conveying emotions and intentions that words sometimes cannot. A comforting hug, a reassuring pat on the back, or a gentle squeeze of the hand can express empathy, support, and love more effectively than words. Additionally, physical touch can reduce stress levels by lowering cortisol, the stress hormone, and increasing endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators. Regular touch has also been shown to improve immune function, reduce blood pressure, and promote overall physical health.

The Difference Between Intimate Touch and Sexual Touch

Understanding the distinction between intimate touch and sexual touch is key to a balanced and fulfilling relationship. Intimate touch includes gestures like holding hands, hugging, or a gentle touch on the back. These touches communicate love, care, and a sense of security. Sexual touch, on the other hand, is geared towards arousal and sexual pleasure, focusing on erogenous zones and intimate areas.

Both types of touch are important because they fulfill different emotional and physical needs. Intimate touch fosters a sense of closeness and emotional security, while sexual touch enhances physical intimacy and satisfaction. A healthy relationship needs both to thrive.

Why Partners Retreat from Touch When They Need It Most

Partners often retreat from touch during stressful or challenging times, even though touch could provide the comfort and support they need. This behavior can stem from emotional overwhelm, where individuals feel unable to process additional stimuli, including touch. Fear of vulnerability is another reason; touch can make individuals feel exposed, and during intense emotional times, they might avoid touch to protect themselves. Miscommunication can also lead to retreating from touch, with one partner misinterpreting the other’s actions as rejection or lack of interest.

To address this, open and honest dialogue is essential. Encourage a culture of open communication where both partners can express their needs and concerns without fear of judgment. For instance, one might say, “I’ve noticed you’re pulling away lately. Can we talk about what’s going on?” Offering verbal reassurance and validating each other’s feelings can also help, as can being patient and understanding, giving space when needed but expressing a desire to support each other through touch.

Communicating Specifically About Touch

Being specific about the type of touch you want and need can significantly improve your relationship. For example, in non-sexual ways, you might say, “I really enjoy it when you hold my hand while we walk. It makes me feel connected to you,” or “A hug right now would really comfort me. Can you hold me for a moment?” These clear requests help your partner understand how they can support you emotionally.

In sexual ways, you might say, “I love it when you kiss my neck gently. It really turns me on,” or “Tonight, I’d like to explore some slow and sensual touching. Can we try that?” Communicating these desires sets the stage for a fulfilling sexual experience, ensuring both partners are on the same page.

Touch as a Gateway to the Erotic

Touch can sometimes act as a gateway into the erotic, activating what is known as responsive desire. This is when sexual desire emerges in response to sexual stimuli or activities, rather than spontaneously. For example, a back rub can gradually lead to more intimate touch, eventually sparking sexual arousal. However, it’s important to remember that not all touch has to lead to sex. Creating a space where touch is appreciated for its own sake helps maintain a healthy balance.

Building a Culture of Touch and Pleasure

To cultivate a culture of touch and pleasure in your relationship, consider the following tips:

1. Daily Rituals: Incorporate small touches into your daily routine, like a morning hug or a goodnight kiss and holding hands while you go for a walk or watch TV.  This can reinforce the importance of touch throughout your relationship.
2. Playfulness: Engage in playful touch, like a light tickle or a playful nudge, to keep things fun and lighthearted.
3. Mindfulness: Be fully present and engaged during moments of touch, focusing on the sensations and emotions they evoke. This can help deepen the physical and emotional connection.

When Touch Becomes Aversive

Sometimes, touch can become aversive due to past experiences, stress, or emotional disconnect. If this happens, it’s important to address it openly and compassionately and with sensitivity and patience. Identify the cause by reflecting on any recent changes or stressors that might be contributing to the aversion. Pay attention to the stories that you are telling yourself about the touch. Communicate your feelings with your partner without placing blame, creating a space for understanding and support. 

I often hear from women that they have become aversive to touch because touch is too sexual and overt and is happening at times that aren’t appropriate.  Consent is still important in marriage, so making sure you have your partners consent to touch them is essential.  Often we touch people the way we want to be touched, so men become grabby and gropey because they would like that themselves.  But most women (not all) don’t like to be grabbed and groped.  They need more affectionate and intimate touch rather than sexual touch.  So make sure there is clear communication about what kind of touch is appropriate and when.

Touch also becomes aversive when we think that all touch has to lead to sexual activity. I can’t tell you how many women have told me that they tense up every time their husband touches them because they know that means they want sex.  

When we think that all touch has to lead to sex, touch becomes a point of conflict in the relationship.  These scripts, these unspoken expectations between couples, cause problems.  So rather than allowing the touch to build and be a place of nurturing each other, it becomes a place where we are extracting from our partner or we feel like we are being taken from.

Feeling “touched out” is a common experience, especially for those who are caregivers, parents, or individuals with high sensory sensitivity. It can occur when you feel overwhelmed by too much physical contact and need space to recharge. 

It’s important to understand that being “touched out” is a legitimate and common experience and partners should work to not take it as a personal rejection.  But when this is happening, we need to communicate with our partner about how we are feeling and what we need in order to recharge.  Maybe that is space or maybe that is a different kind of touch.  

Touch can be extracting (I need to touch you or you to touch me so I can feel ok about myself) or it can be nourishing (I want to give to you and don’t need anything in return).  Understanding the kind of touch you like and communicating that to your partner, developing a language around touch and really listening to your partner and what they want versus what you automatically do when giving.

Tips for Great Touch

So let’s talk about some tips for great touch.  When touching our partners we want a spirit of mutuality.  Giving and receiving.  But that doesn’t mean that it has to be balanced or symmetrical.  If done in the spirit of mutuality, we can be a little selfish in our experiences.  Sometimes it might be about one partner, another time it might be about the other.  Sometimes it’s about both.

Tips For Givers:

• Go Slow: You’ll feel more in your hands and be better able to touch in the way your partner wants to be touched if you go slow.
• Be Attentive: Pay attention to your partner’s reactions and adjust your touch accordingly.  It’s not about function but about feeling.
• Use Variety: Experiment with different types of touch, such as light strokes, firm pressure, or gentle caresses. 
• Communicate: Ask for feedback to ensure your touch is pleasurable and comfortable.

For Receivers:

• • Work on your mindset: Often we have stories in our brain about how we are not worthy of this time or that we are taking too much.  Those are stories we need to work on changing and be willing to receive.  You are worthy.  You can build a higher capacity for pleasure over time if you do this.
  • Be Vocal: Communicate your preferences clearly and provide feedback. Say what you want.

• Be Active: Pay attention to what’s happening, be present in your own body and with the sensations.

• Relax: Allow yourself to fully experience and enjoy the touch without judgment. 
• Communicate: You are training your partner on how you want to be touched, so communicate your wants and desires.  Even just a sigh or a moan can communicate a lot.
• Express Gratitude: Show appreciation for your partner’s efforts, reinforcing positive experiences.

If any of these things are hard for you, as a giver or a receiver, you can practice doing it in very small amounts of time, even 1 minute, 3 minutes, 5 minutes.  It doesn’t have to be an hour long.

• Ask “What kind of touch would you like to receive for ___ minutes?  Or you can say “I would like to give you this kind of touch for ___ minutes.  May I?”
• The person can respond with a yes or no or clarifying what they want “I don’t really want a foot massage for three minutes but I’d love for you to work on my hands.”
• Set a timer
• Focus fully on giving and receiving.
• When the timer is up, give a short debrief with each other to see how it went.  This builds up our skills in a very incremental but practical way.

I have women do this at my retreats.  Do a hand massage for a few minutes and they practice giving and receiving and giving feedback and asking for clarification.  Harder, deeper, softer, I like it when you…., does that feel good? What about here?

These are skills that translate really well into sex and the bedroom.

The Transformative Power of Touch

Touch has the ability to change our state physically, mentally, and emotionally. It can reduce stress, lower blood pressure, and release oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which promotes bonding and connection. Mentally, touch can alleviate feelings of anxiety and depression, fostering a sense of well-being. Emotionally, it can create a deeper bond and understanding between partners, enhancing overall relationship satisfaction.  It’s a phenomenal gift we can offer one another and opens up so much.

I was listening to a podcast on touch as preparation for this podcast and at the end they said “Touch to Feel.  Because it’s not only touch to feel what your hands feel, it’s touch to feel the emotions that touch allows us to feel.  It’s touch to evoke feelings and guide others into experiences.”