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Have you ever found yourself hesitating to explore your desires, feeling guilty about expressing your needs, or believing that ‘good girls’ don’t act a certain way, especially in the bedroom? Maybe you’ve felt like your worth is tied to being modest, virtuous, or pleasing to others, even at the expense of your own happiness. Today, we’re breaking down Good Girl Syndrome—what it is, where it comes from, how to recognize it, and most importantly, how to overcome it for a healthier, more fulfilling sexual and emotional relationship. Let’s dive in.

What is Good Girl Syndrome?

Good Girl Syndrome is a concept that was first introduced by Laura Brotherson, a sex therapist in Utah.  It refers to the internalized beliefs and behaviors that come from societal, cultural, or religious messages about how women should act, particularly in the context of sexuality. At its core, it’s a set of expectations that tell women their value comes from being “good”—modest, pure, selfless, and submissive. These expectations create shame, guilt, and discomfort around the idea of embracing and enjoying sexuality.

For example, a woman with Good Girl Syndrome might believe that expressing sexual desire makes her “bad” or that initiating sex is inappropriate for a “respectable” woman. She may also struggle to see sex as something for her own enjoyment, instead viewing it as a duty to please her spouse. This mindset can lead to feelings of disconnection, resentment, and even anxiety around sex and intimacy.

The impact of Good Girl Syndrome is far-reaching. It doesn’t just affect a woman’s sexual relationship—it affects her relationship with herself. Many women feel trapped in a cycle of wanting or feeling more but believing they’re not allowed to have it or shouldn’t want it. Recognizing this dynamic is the first step toward change.

How is Good Girl Syndrome Developed?

Good Girl Syndrome doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s often the result of years of subtle (and not-so-subtle) conditioning from multiple sources. Let’s break down some of the most common contributors:

1. Cultural Messages: Society often portrays women in two extremes—they’re either the “virtuous” good girl or the “wild” bad girl. From movies to advertising, women are taught to value modesty and purity while viewing overt sexuality as “shameful” or “inappropriate.” Think about how often female characters in movies are judged for their sexual behavior. If they’re too bold or assertive, they’re labeled negatively. This binary creates a fear of stepping outside the “good girl” box.
   I know in my own life, I felt a lot of shame around my own sexuality.  I felt shame for the sexual thoughts and feelings I had. When my sexual relationship with my husband wasn’t going well, I was afraid to look for resources because I didn’t want to be labeled as “bad.”  I thought that sex toys were only for “bad” women.  This kept me stuck for a long time.
2. Religious Influences: Many women grow up in religious communities that emphasize chastity and purity before marriage. While these teachings can come from a good place, they often fail to transition into a healthy, sex-positive framework once women marry. A common example is the message that “sex is wrong or dirty” before marriage, which can make it difficult for women to flip the switch and see sex as positive and sacred afterward.  Many women got young women lessons about a chewed up piece of gum or a licked cupcake that no one would ever want if they didn’t keep their virtue. 
   I’ve seen hundreds of women in my practice that were given these messages by well meaning parents and church leaders and it took a lot of work for them to overcome those messages and change things because the switch didn’t flip once they got married.
3. Family Upbringing: Parents, often unintentionally, reinforce Good Girl Syndrome through comments and behaviors. For instance, a mother might tell her daughter, “Good girls don’t wear outfits like that,” or avoid talking about sex entirely, creating an environment where it’s seen as taboo or shameful. Even small actions, like reacting with discomfort to questions about bodies or relationships, can plant seeds of shame.
4. Social Conditioning: Girls are often praised for being agreeable, nurturing, and self-sacrificing. While these traits can be positive, they can also teach women to suppress their own needs and desires to meet others’ expectations. This conditioning can make it hard for women to advocate for themselves, particularly in the bedroom.

By the time a woman reaches adulthood, these messages have often been internalized, shaping her beliefs about herself, her worth, and her sexuality.  So it makes a lot of sense when you have these very deep belief systems that a good sexual relationship with your spouse doesn’t happen.

How to Recognize Good Girl Syndrome in Yourself or Your Spouse

If you’re wondering whether you or your spouse might be dealing with Good Girl Syndrome, here are some common signs to look for:

1. Shame Around Sexual Thoughts or Actions: Do you feel guilty or “dirty” after experiencing or expressing sexual pleasure? For instance, you might feel conflicted after enjoying sex, thinking, “Was that too much?” or “Am I being inappropriate?”  You may struggle with certain things sexually.  Many women struggling with Good Girl Syndrome want the lights off, sex can only take place in missionary position, they often don’t like or want a lot of foreplay.  Sometimes they won’t touch their spouse or let their spouse touch them below the waist.  Sex is limited to intercourse and that needs to happen quickly.  Very often there is no orgasm.
2. Difficulty Communicating Sexual Needs: Does the idea of saying, “I like this” or “I’d love to try this” make you uncomfortable? Many women with Good Girl Syndrome fear being judged or rejected if they voice their desires because deep down they fear that their desires are wrong or bad.
3. Equating Worth with Being ‘Good’: Do you feel your value depends on being modest, selfless, or virtuous? For example, you might avoid certain behaviors, like initiating sex, because it feels “out of character” for a “good” woman.
4. Viewing Sex as an Obligation: Does sex feel like something you do to keep your spouse happy rather than something you genuinely enjoy? Women with Good Girl Syndrome often see sex as a duty rather than a shared experience.  They don’t understand how sex is for women too.  
5. Judging Sexual Openness: Do you feel uncomfortable or judgmental when others express sexual confidence? For example, if a friend talks openly about her sexual desires, you might think, “That’s not something a woman should say.”

Recognizing these patterns is the first step in breaking free from them. Awareness creates the foundation for change.

Steps to Overcome Good Girl Syndrome

So now that we’ve talked about why it happens and how to recognize it, let’s talk about how we overcome it.  Overcoming Good Girl Syndrome takes time and effort, but the results are transformative. Here’s how to start:

1. Acknowledge and Name It: The first step is recognizing that this mindset exists and that it’s holding you back. Say it out loud: “I’ve been living with Good Girl Syndrome, but I’m ready to let it go.” This simple act of acknowledgment can be incredibly empowering.
2. Educate Yourself: Knowledge is power. Read books, listen to podcasts, or join communities that promote healthy, empowered sexuality, like my Embrace You Elite Society Membership.  I have a lot of great educational resources on my website.  One of my favorites is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, which helps women understand their sexual responses and break free from shame.
3. Challenge Core Beliefs: Write down the messages you’ve internalized about being a “good girl.” Then, question them. For example, if you believe, “Only bad girls enjoy sex,” ask yourself, “Where did this belief come from? Is it actually true? How is it affecting my life?” Replacing old beliefs with healthier ones is a key part of this process.  If you have trouble with this, coaching can help.  I have a step-by-step process I teach clients on how to change beliefs that actually works.  
4. Reframe Your Sexuality: Begin seeing your sexuality as a beautiful, God-given part of who you are. It’s not something to suppress or feel guilty about. Instead, view it as a source of joy, connection, and personal fulfillment.  Often I suggest praying about it.  God will tell you what you need to hear about your sexuality.
5. Practice Open Communication: Start small. Share your feelings with your spouse, even if it feels vulnerable. For example, you might say, “I’ve realized I’ve been holding back because of some beliefs I grew up with. I’d love to work on being more open together.”  
6. Experiment Without Guilt: Allow yourself to try new things in your sexual relationship, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Remember, growth happens outside your comfort zone.
7. Seek Support: Therapy or coaching can be invaluable. Working with a professional can provide tools and encouragement as you navigate this journey. Communities like my Embrace You Elite Society can also offer support and connection.

What to Do if Your Spouse Has Good Girl Syndrome But Is Unwilling to Face It

Helping a spouse overcome Good Girl Syndrome can be challenging, especially if they’re not ready to confront it. Here are some strategies:

1. Be Patient and Compassionate: Understand that these beliefs have likely been ingrained for years. Change takes time, and pushing too hard can backfire.
2. Start With Curiosity, Not Criticism: Approach the topic gently. Instead of saying, “You’re repressed,” try, “I’ve noticed you seem uncomfortable when we talk about sex. Can you help me understand how you’re feeling?”
3. Create a Safe Space: Show your spouse that they can express themselves without fear of judgment. Celebrate small steps toward openness.
4. Introduce Resources Gently: Suggest books, podcasts, or articles that discuss healthy sexuality. For example, “I heard this podcast about Good Girl Syndrome, and it really made me think. Would you want to listen to it together?”  Don’t bombard them with resources.
5. Focus on Emotional Connection: Strengthening your emotional bond can create a sense of safety, which is essential for addressing deeper issues.
6. Respect Their Journey: Ultimately, you can’t force someone to change. Focus on modeling openness and vulnerability in your own behavior. Your example might inspire them to take their own steps.

Good Girl Syndrome isn’t something you have to live with forever. It may feel like an uphill climb, but overcoming these limiting beliefs can transform not just your sexual relationship, but your entire sense of self. Whether it’s you or your spouse struggling with this, the key is patience, communication, and a willingness to rewrite the story you’ve been told. Remember, you’re not just a ‘good girl’—you’re a whole, dynamic, sexual being, and it’s time to embrace all of you.

Next week we will be talking about Good Boy Syndrome, so make sure you are subscribed so you don’t miss that episode too!

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.