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Have you ever wondered if you’re initiating too much? This might sound like a strange question—especially when we’re always told that healthy sexual relationships need communication, courage, and, yes, initiation. But it’s something that comes up all the time in my coaching. Often it’s the higher-desire partner asking, “If I don’t initiate, it never happens. So I keep initiating. But it feels like I’m carrying all the weight and I’m tired of being rejected. I want to feel wanted and desired too!  What am I supposed to do?”

Let’s unpack that today—why we initiate, what happens when we do it frequently, and whether pulling back might be helpful—or harmful.

Why Do We Initiate?

There are a lot of really good reasons to initiate sex. Sometimes, we’re feeling close to our partner and want to deepen that bond. Sometimes we’re just turned on and want to share that experience. Or maybe we’re trying to connect after a rough week, get on the same page again emotionally, or express love in a way that feels natural.

All of those are valid, healthy motivations. Initiation is a normal, important part of a sexual relationship.

But there can be not-so-great reasons too. Maybe you’re initiating because you feel anxious about the state of your relationship and are trying to use sex to fix it. Maybe you feel unloved or unattractive and want your spouse to validate you through sex. Or maybe you’re initiating because you think it’s the only way sex will happen at all—and you’re afraid of what it means if it doesn’t.

One woman I worked with said, “I initiate almost every time. He never seems interested unless I do. But now, I kind of dread it. I don’t want to feel rejected again, but I also don’t want to go weeks without any physical connection.” That kind of stuck place is more common than you think.

What Happens When We Initiate a Lot?

When you initiate frequently, yes—you probably will have more sex than if you didn’t. That part is usually true.

But here’s the kicker: more sex doesn’t always mean better sex. Or connected sex. Or mutual desire.

When one person is always initiating, it can start to feel one-sided. The higher-desire partner often starts to feel like the “chaser,” while the other person feels like they’re always being chased. Even if they say yes, it may not come from a place of genuine, self-generated desire—it’s often more of a passive “I guess so” than a “yes, I want this.”

And over time, that can build resentment on both sides. The initiator starts to feel unwanted or unimportant. The spouse on the receiving end often feels pressure—like there’s a constant expectation hanging over them that they can never quite meet.

I had a couple I worked with where the husband said, “I initiate almost every day. She turns me down most of the time. When she does say yes, it feels like pity. I’m getting sex, but I’m not getting the connection I actually want.”

And his wife said, “I feel like I don’t even have a chance to want it. The second I relax, he’s reaching for me. I feel like I can never just be without him asking for sex. So I avoid him… which I know makes it worse.”

Don’t Suppress Your Desire—But Give Space for Theirs to Grow

Now, I want to be really clear here: I am not saying you should suppress your sexuality. Being honest about your sexual desire is healthy and important. You should be able to want sex, talk about sex, and express that to your spouse.

But if you’re constantly initiating, it may not be creating the space your spouse needs to build their own desire.

Desire isn’t just about opportunity—it’s about autonomy and freedom. When your spouse always knows you will take the lead, they may never have to wrestle with their own longing. They don’t have the space to miss sex, to think about it, to decide they want to pursue you.

Sometimes, desire has to have a little room to breathe.

What Happens If You Stop Initiating?

Now, a common strategy I hear is this: “I’m just going to stop initiating. I’m done. I’m putting the ball in their court.”

This can be helpful or it can backfire—depending on the spirit it’s done in.

If you’re doing it as a punishment or a power move—like, “Let’s see how you like it now”—then that’s likely to build even more distance. The relationship can start to feel adversarial. You’re both waiting on the other to prove something, and no one’s being emotionally vulnerable.

But if you’re stepping back with a spirit of curiosity—“What would happen if I gave them space to choose? Am I willing to sit in the discomfort of not always being in control?”—then something new can begin.

It’s hard, because it means facing the fear that maybe sex won’t happen. Or that your spouse won’t initiate at all. But it also opens the door to more honest conversations about the dynamic you’re both caught in.

What If You Pull Back… and Nothing Changes?

This is probably the hardest part. You stop initiating, hoping that your spouse will rise to the occasion… and they don’t. Maybe days, weeks, even months go by—and nothing happens.

What then?

First, let yourself feel what you feel. That might be grief, sadness, disappointment, loneliness. Those are real and valid.

Then ask yourself: Is my spouse aware of what’s happening? Have I actually told them I’m stepping back? Or have I just withdrawn silently and hoped they’d notice?

A good place to start is saying something like, “I realized I’ve been doing most of the initiating, and I’ve decided to pull back—not to punish you, but to give you space to figure out what you want. I want to understand what’s going on for you. I miss feeling desired, and I want us both to show up fully in this part of our relationship.”

Now you’re not playing a game—you’re being vulnerable and collaborative. That hopefully opens up dialogue, which is the first step toward change.

If your spouse still doesn’t show up? Then it’s time to explore why. Is there unresolved hurt? Mismatched beliefs about sex? Lack of emotional connection? Shame or anxiety they don’t know how to articulate? That’s where coaching or therapy can be incredibly helpful.

So… Are You Initiating Too Much?

Maybe. If you’re initiating from a place of love, desire, and connection—and your spouse is receiving it well—then probably not. But if you’re initiating because you feel you have to, or because you’re terrified nothing will happen if you don’t, then it might be time to pause and re-evaluate.

Remember: a great sex life isn’t just about how often it happens. It’s about how honestly it’s happening. It’s about mutual desire, emotional safety, and creating a space where both people feel empowered to show up fully.

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is not to push harder—but to step back, be honest about your needs, and create space for something new to grow.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.