What is a belief?   A belief is a thought that you keep thinking.  You’ve practiced it and repeated it.  You’ve decided and accepted that this thought is true.  

Believing it doesn’t make it true – it just makes YOU believe that it is true.

• If you have the belief that you are unhappy in your marriage, it is because you have believed that thought.  You have practiced it and accepted it.

But just because you BELIEVE that you are unhappy in your marriage, doesn’t mean it is true.

What?  I can hear you now!  Of course I am unhappy in my marriage.  That is NOT a thought.  It’s a fact.  I just am. I am not happy in my marriage.

And I’m telling you, that it is a THOUGHT.  It is a thought you have thought so many times that don’t see it as a thought.  You see it as truth.  You believe that thought, you’ve practiced it so many times, that you don’t even recognize it as a thought.  To you it seems like a fact.  But it is, in fact, just a thought.

I know you don’t believe me…but stay with me here….

If we go back to our CTFAR model – the circumstance is that you are married.  The thought is “I am unhappy in my marriage” and then you feel unhappy, dissatisfied, frustrated, resentful, etc.  When you’re feeling this way how are you showing up in your marriage?  Are you showing up as your best self?  Probably not.  Your actions speak to your unhappiness.  And your result is you are creating a marriage that makes you unhappy.  

Your marriage isn’t the problem.  Your husband isn’t the problem.  Your thoughts are the problem.  I promise you.

Any problem that you have is a thought problem.

Now, I know that there are many of you in an “abusive” marriage.  If your spouse is physically abusive, please get you and your children to a safe place until you can work things out so that you can either end the marriage or your spouse gets help so that you can truly be safe.  

But outside of that situation, even other types of abuse, it really is a thought problem.  That does NOT make it ok.  I am not excusing or condoning his behavior.  But it really is HOW you are choosing to think about it.  That doesn’t mean you have to accept it, you can totally choose to set boundaries or even end the marriage.  But just understand that it is because of what you thinking, not because of what he is saying or doing.

Changing a thought

How do you un-believe something?  You have to un-accept it as true and believe something different on purpose. You have to decide to change your mind about it.

So if you believe now that you are unhappy in your marriage, you have to un-accept that.  That it might not be true that you are unhappy in your marriage.  It might be true that you are actually happy in your marriage.  You have to believe something different on purpose.  

The belief is not something that exists outside of us.  It is a decision that we make.

Now it’s time to make a different decision and believe something different.

Truth vs Facts

This is a lot easier to understand when you separate out truth from facts.

Facts are facts.  We don’t say that facts are the truth.  Facts are facts whether you believe them or not.  Truth is much more subjective.

So a fact is: I am married.  I have a husband.

Truths (or your truths – which are just thoughts): I am not happy in my marriage

Do you see the difference?  Truths are choices.  They are what you are choosing to believe.  

What you believe and focus your mind on is a choice.

You can choose to believe that you are unhappy in your marriage.  You can choose to believe that your husband is a good man.  Both can be true, but what are you focusing on?  What do you want to believe?  What do you want to disbelieve?

Most of us are on auto-pilot when it comes to our thinking and believing.  We just keep replaying beliefs that we have practiced over and over instead of questioning it.

It’s time to be more deliberate.

Past vs. Future

What you currently believe is based on  your past.  The thoughts that you have had in the past (thinking that you were unhappy in your marriage) created your result of a marriage that makes you unhappy.

So, if you do nothing, your past beliefs and your current beliefs will continue to create that result for you.  

But if you want to create a different future, a different result, you have to create something new.  Something that doesn’t exist now.  You have to create a NEW thought to a create a new result in your future.

This requires you to believe something you have never believed before (if you already believed it you would have created that result already).

So what do you want to believe about your marriage?  

Rules of believing

Did you know that you can believe whatever you want to believe?  You can just decide to believe that you have a great marriage.

Even if there is no evidence for it.  Even if it contradicts what you already believe.

Your beliefs will determine what you create in your marriage.

You can create the marriage of your dreams just by changing your thoughts.  By believing you have an amazing marriage.

Did you know this?

How do you create what you want?

You can create the marriage you want by visualizing it and using your imagination.

Remember when you were a little girl and you used to imagine what your husband would be like.  You probably pictured him to be this perfect person who was attentive to all your needs and you had this amazing relationship.  Well no wonder you feel unhappy in your marriage, your spouse is NEVER going to live up to that!

But, I want you to visualize the future you want with your spouse.  Visualize the possibility of happiness.  I know you won’t believe it yet, because you are actually visualizing impossibility because your brain won’t believe it is even possible for you yet.

The key is to allow yourself to imagine something, believe something, visualize doing it and having it and then practice believing it.

Old beliefs resist new visions

The problem is, our brain can’t believe two opposing things at the same time without being VERY uncomfortable.  It can’t believe that you are unhappy in your marriage and imagine the possibility of good marriage with that same person.  It resists it so much!

So how do you believe something you don’t yet believe?

Now remember, a belief is just a thought that you are used to thinking.  It is so familiar that you think it without question.  You just accept it.

So when you want to believe something new, you have to decide to LEARN it by practicing thinking it over and over and over.

You literally have to practice thinking “I am happy in my marriage” over and over and over while accepting that it is true until you eventually believe it.  

It’s kind of like brainwashing yourself.

1. Decide what you want to believe by visualizing it.
2. Create the sentence
3. Accept it as true
4. Practice and Repeat

Now – if you can’t get there, you might need a bridge thought to help in the gap.  Or you might need several.

Here’s an example

• I’m unhappy in my marriage
• I’m unhappy now, but that could change
• I have the ability to change how I feel about my marriage
• It’s possible that I could be happy in my marriage
• My marriage could bring me happiness
• My marriage can be a happy one
• I can be happy in my marriage
• I am happy in my marriage

By taking your current belief “I am unhappy in my marriage” and wiggling it just a little bit, then keep moving through different thoughts that you can visualize and believe can eventually get you to the place that you want to be.

This doesn’t happen over night.  It can take several weeks or months to work through.  But it is totally possible.