I often said to myself, “How did I end up here? How have strayed so far from the strong, courageous, confident, vibrant woman I used to be?” And now I know…. I believed him. And I believed the voice in my head that told me he was right. I believed that I wasn’t enough. That I was fat. I was ugly. My body was disgusting. I was overweight. That I could never EVER be that person again. That who I was now wasn’t enough.
I was no longer me. I was a victim to all of the things outside of my control. I was a victim of my circumstances. I was victim to him and the voice in my head.
The person I was before was gone…. It got so dark inside my head that in January 2010, I very strongly considered taking my own life. I couldn’t see a way out. The only thing ahead of me was more darkness.
I said yesterday that I don’t know if coaching could have saved my marriage, but it could have saved me. Why?
I didn’t have to EARN my value. It doesn’t matter what I look like, what size I wear, what number is on the scale, what I eat, what I drink, how much I exercise, how hard I exercise. It doesn’t matter. My value is unchangeable. I am 100% enough and lovable just as I am now and always will be.
What I also learned is that HE didn’t have to change for me to this feel way. He was allowed to say and do whatever he wanted and it didn’t actually mean anything about me.
He too was broken. He was living out of fear. He thought he needed to try to control me and our situation so that he didn’t need to be afraid. And while I no longer wanted to be with him, I understood. I could have compassion for where he was. The pain he was in.
That even now, when that voice inside my head tries to tell me I’m not good enough, I can just say “it’s ok brain. I understand you are just trying to help me. But I’ve got this.”