I’ve mentioned before that I belong to a bunch of Facebook groups that talk about sex and intimacy.  I contribute a lot to these groups as a way to put value out into the world and help people that will never pay me.  I love to help people in this way.  Much like I do here on the podcast.  

Recently, in one of the groups that I belong to, there was anonymous post that I really wanted to talk about on today’s episode.

The woman posted that her husband wants anal sex.  She has consented twice, but refused every other time he’s asked.  She said that her husband brings it up in just about every sexual encounter.  He tried to pressure her into it because he wants it so much.  She does NOT want it.  She says she hates it.  She said that this kind of pressure and him talking about it and wanting it all the time is ruining their sex life.

So, I just wanted to break this post down and address the different aspects of it.

Anal Sex

Let’s first discuss anal sex.  Anal sex can be a little controversial.  It is often seen as “gross” or “unnatural” I think because it is often most associated with homosexuality. Also probably because our bodily functions are also seen as gross. But, I could totally be wrong about that.  Whether or not you believe that anal sex is wrong, unnatural, or gross, the fact is, is that for many people the idea of it or the doing it is often very pleasurable.  Our Heavenly Parents created our bodies with this area as one that can create pleasure for us.  The anus has a very high concentration of nerve endings, making it super sensitive and inviting for pleasure. Because it is often seen as taboo, playing around with that area can add an air of mystery and excitement that feels forbidden, which is a fun way to enhance pleasure.  Whether you choose to utilize this area as one of pleasure in your sexual encounters is up to you.  But, if you do…there are some things you need to know when it comes to trying anal sex safely and pleasurably.

1. Relax!

If you are wanting pleasurable butt play, relaxation is key!  When our bodies are tense, the sphincter muscles that surround the anus clench, forcing the anus to squeeze itself closed.  When we relax, those sphincter muscles relax too, and allow the opening of the anus to loosen and open wider.  

Relaxation is often counterintuitive to anal penetration.  It’s a sensation that we’re typically not very familiar with as we are used to things coming out of butt instead of going in.  The receiver should be willing and enthusiastic about trying anal play.  While it’s normal to be nervous about trying something new, fear and apprehension are counterproductive to successful anal sex.

2. Clean up!

You’ll want to make sure things are clean down there before attempting anything.  Try to empty your bowels and then take a warm shower and clean yourself with warm water and mild soap first.

3. Warm up slowly!

If you are new to anal sex, you’ll definitely want to start slow.  Try starting with other relaxing things first; massage, rubbing, kissing, and oral sex can help get you going and heighten your pleasure sensors.

While penetration is often the objective, focusing on the journey of the pleasure – rather than the destination of the goal – is a great way to reduce tension and take the pressure off.

4. Always use lube!

The anal canal has very delicate tissues and does not self-lubricate like the vagina.  Lubrication is essential for a safe and comfortable anal penetration of any size!  Lube will decrease the chance of tearing and reduce the friction – making it much smoother and more pleasurable for both giver and receiver.  Silicone-based lube is most often recommended for anal play.  It’s thicker and absorbs into the body less quickly than water-based, so it stays slicker longer.  My favorite silicone-based lube is UberLube and I have link to it on my website under resources.

5. Try Anal Toys

The anus can be eased into the sexual experience through non-penetration play by rubbing it softly, massaging it with pressure, or licking, sucking, and kissing.  Take your time and communicate with your partner with how it feels.  

After the butt is aroused by non-penetrative tactics, start small.  Maybe a lubricated finger, dilator, or butt plug before you try a penis or a dildo.  If you use a butt plug (with lube) make sure it is tapered and has a substantial base.  Many an object has been known to get sucked up in if it doesn’t have a substantial base on it.  Metal or glass plugs have no give, so a lot of times a silicone one is easier.  You can put a condom over it so it doesn’t absorb any smell.

Once penetration has been achieved with finger, butt plug, or penis, try stimulating other parts of the body like the nipples or clitoris or testicles at the same time.  This can help the body associate anal penetration with sexual pleasure.

6. Keep Communicating

Communication between partners is key with anal play.  The receiver should be the one who calls the shots.

7. Prioritize Pleasure

As you move into penetration, it’s important to go really slow to allow the receiver to become familiar and comfortable with the sensation.  It will probably feel strange at first, and maybe even uncomfortable, but it should never be painful.  If it is painful, stop.

The receiver should feel comfortable enough with their partner to speak up if discomfort arises.  The giver needs to follow the receivers lead.  If it is uncomfortable, try adding more lube, go slower, or try something smaller first and get comfortable with that before moving on to something bigger.

Penetration probably won’t happen the first attempt at anal play.  This is normal and should not be seen as a failure.  It’s just the first step in your journey and something you can add to your sexual repertoire.  

A few notes – you can definitely use a condom over anything inserted into the anus.  Also, you should not go from the anus into the vagina as you don’t want to transfer bacteria from one place to the other.  Another idea is try inserting a butt plug or something in yourself a few times first.  When you have control then you will not tense up as much.  Once you are more comfortable, you can then do it with your partner and guide them through insertion.

So, those are the basics for anal sex and anal play.  Now, I understand this isn’t for everyone.  Some things are just a “no” from the get-go and that is ok.  But I do encourage you (like I explained a couple of episodes ago in the Expanding Your Sexual Palette episode) that some things might take a few tries to get used to.  Anal sex can definitely be something that is really uncomfortable at first but with more attempts, going slow, and learning, it can become quite pleasurable for both parties.  But, if it is a “no” that is ok too.

Emotional Manipulation

So the second part of the post I wanted to address on this podcast is the husband’s unwillingness to take no for an answer.  His constant talking about it, pressuring her, cajoling, pouting when he doesn’t get his own way is absolutely NOT ok.  And that kind of behavior isn’t ok in any circumstance, not just anal sex.  A true, healthy intimate relationship should not be like that.  It is a way to try and manipulate your partners emotions into getting what you want.

Non-Consensual Sex

One of the things I talked about in Episode 94 on Healthy Sexuality was about non-consensual sex in marriage.  When a partner pressures their spouse (whether that is verbal or through pouting) to do certain things, that is emotional manipulation and that is considered non-consensual sex.  When a partner doesn’t feel like they can say no, or if they do say no there will be consequences (perceived or real) for saying no, then that is no longer considered consensual.  

Think about that for a minute.  Do you (or does your partner) pressure you to do something you don’t want to do?  Are there consequences for not doing it?  The most common scenario I see with women is duty sex.   Women having sex, not because they want to, but because they feel it is their obligation as a wife.  That if they don’t do it their husbands will be upset, pout, pressure them, go look at porn and masturbate, or even worse, go off and find someone else to have sex with.  That is emotional manipulation.  That is non-consensual sex.  That is NOT ok.  

How to change things!

So, how do you fix it?

1. Recognizing what is actually going on.  That it is emotional manipulation and it is not ok.
2. Give up needing their approval, validation, and their view of the world.  It’s time to tune in to your own integrity.  It’s time to tune into to your own self-approval, self-validation, and self-view.  
3. Figure out for yourself what you want to think, feel, and what you want to do, and then stick with it.  Your spouse wants you to match his or her picture of you and they will go to extremes to get you to conform to their preferred image of you.
4. Be ok with their discomfort and your own.  When you don’t conform to what they want, this will be uncomfortable for them.  They are used to being able to control you.  Be ok with their discomfort with their own emotions.  It’s probably going to make you uncomfortable to deal with their discomfort.  But if you can learn to be ok with their negative emotions, then you are going to be better off.  

The thing is, that what’s going on isn’t all their fault.  You have contributed to this dynamic that has been created.  You have both colluded and collaborated on what is taking place.  But you can change it.  You can start doing things differently.  It’s not going to be easy.  Most likely it’s going to be very hard at first.  But the more you stay in alignment with your own integrity and stay true to who you want to be, then you’ll feel better about yourself and the decision that your making and your spouse will either have to learn to do things differently or one or both of you will decide it isn’t working anymore.  

It’s a scary reality to think about.  But what’s happening now is also scary.  And it will continue to happen and you will continue to lose yourself in the process.  If you would like help and support through this process, please sign up for a FREE mini-session with me.  We can talk about what coaching together would look like and I can help guide you through this process of disentangling yourself from the emotional manipulation.