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Today we’re going to talk about a question that comes up time and time again: “How much sex is normal in a marriage?” It’s a question many couples ask themselves at some point. You might be wondering this too. So, let’s explore why we’re so curious about what’s normal, what normal actually is, and what to do if you feel you’re outside of that so-called norm.

Why do couples want to know what’s normal?

First, let’s talk about why this question even pops up. We all want to feel like we’re doing okay, right? In a world where we constantly compare ourselves to others—whether it’s on social media or even among friends—it’s natural to wonder if our sex life measures up. We hear things like, “My friend’s married, and they have sex X times a week. Is that what we should be doing?” These comparisons can create unnecessary pressure and even anxiety in our own relationships.

Emily Nagoski, a renowned sex educator and author, often addresses the concept of “normal” in the context of sexuality. In her book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, she emphasizes that the notion of normalcy in sexual behavior and desires is largely a myth.  She argues that sexual experiences, desires, and responses are incredibly diverse and individualized. She asserts that there is no single standard or “normal” way to experience sexuality. Everyone’s body and mind are unique, leading to a wide range of sexual expressions and preferences.

One person might have a high sex drive and fantasize frequently, while another might be content with infrequent sexual activity. Both are normal.

But why do we compare ourselves to others in the first place? The biological reason lies in our evolutionary past. Humans are social creatures, and throughout history, our survival often depended on our ability to fit in with the group. Comparing ourselves to others helps us gauge our own status and behavior against societal norms, ensuring we aren’t left out or ostracized. This instinct to compare can, unfortunately, spill over into our personal lives, including our intimate relationships.

For example, Lisa, one of our listeners, shared that she felt pressured when her friends talked about their active sex lives. It made her question her own marriage, even though she and her husband were happy with their frequency. Understanding that this comparison instinct is natural can help us be kinder to ourselves and focus on what truly matters.

What is normal?

So, what is normal? Here’s the thing: there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. Studies show that the average married couple has sex around once a week. But averages don’t tell the whole story. Some couples are happy with more, and some are perfectly content with less. What’s most important is that both partners feel satisfied and connected.

Consider the story of Sarah and her husband, who were only having sex once a month. Sarah was worried this was way below average and that something was wrong with their marriage. But after talking with her husband, she discovered he was content with their frequency and felt close to her in many other ways. They both realized that what mattered most was their mutual satisfaction and emotional connection, not the numbers.

It’s also important to note that sexual frequency can vary throughout different stages of life and marriage. Newlyweds might have sex more often, while couples with young children or stressful jobs might experience a decrease. Understanding and accepting these fluctuations can help reduce anxiety about what’s “normal.”

If we are below “normal,” how do we increase?

Now, if you’re feeling like your sex life is lacking and want to increase frequency, communication is key. Start by having an open and honest conversation with your spouse. Understand each other’s wants and desires without judgment. Sometimes, busy schedules, stress, or even physical health issues can impact your sex life. Working together to address these factors can help.

For example, Rachel and Tom found they were often too tired for sex at night. So, they started scheduling morning sex once a week. It felt a bit strange at first, but it made a big difference in their relationship. They both enjoyed the renewed connection and energy it brought to their day.

Another couple, Jim and Laura, decided to set aside a specific date night each week, focusing on reconnecting emotionally and physically. They found that anticipating these nights helped build excitement and desire, ultimately increasing their sexual frequency.

What if we are above normal? Is that better? Does it make us happier?

What if you’re on the other end of the spectrum and having more sex than the average? Is that better? Well, not necessarily. Having more sex doesn’t automatically mean you’re happier. The key is whether both partners are satisfied. If you both enjoy a higher frequency, that’s great! But if one partner feels pressured or overwhelmed, it can lead to dissatisfaction.

Take Mark and Emily, for example. They were having sex almost every day, which was a lot compared to their friends. At first, it seemed great, but Emily started feeling exhausted and less interested in sex. They had to recalibrate and find a frequency that worked for both of them, ensuring they maintained intimacy without burning out.

It’s essential to recognize that more frequent sex isn’t always an indicator of a healthier or happier relationship. Quality matters more than quantity. Focus on the emotional and physical connection rather than just the numbers.

What do we do if we aren’t normal but want to be?

If you feel out of sync with what you think is normal and want to adjust, start small. It’s about quality, not just quantity. Focus on improving your emotional connection, spending quality time together, and fostering intimacy outside the bedroom. Sometimes, non-sexual touch and affection can naturally lead to a more fulfilling sex life.

For example, Jennifer and Matt felt their intimacy was lacking. They started by holding hands more often, giving each other hugs and kisses throughout the day, and spending uninterrupted time together each evening. These small gestures helped reignite their physical relationship naturally.

Remember, the goal is to enhance your connection, not just meet a frequency quota. Be patient with each other and open to trying new ways to connect.

What if one spouse wants to increase the frequency but the other doesn’t?

This is a common scenario and can be tricky to navigate. It’s important to approach this with empathy and understanding. Have a conversation about why one partner wants more sex and why the other might be less interested. There could be underlying issues like stress, physical discomfort, or emotional barriers.

For instance, Joe wanted more frequent sex, but his wife, Janet, often felt too stressed from work and household responsibilities. They decided to share more chores, giving Janet more energy and mental space for intimacy. This collaborative approach improved their sex life and their overall relationship.

It’s crucial to listen to each other without judgment and find solutions that work for both partners. Sometimes, seeking professional help can provide valuable insights and strategies.

What contributes to couples who have little to no sex?

Several factors can contribute to a low sex frequency. Stress, physical health issues, emotional disconnect, conditioning, thoughts, belief systems, or even past traumas can play a role. If you’re experiencing this, it might be helpful to seek some coaching to address these.  

Consider John and Maria, who were having little to no sex due to Maria’s lack of desire. With the help of coaching, Maria was able to work through her lack of desire and gradually rebuild intimacy with John. Patience, understanding, and professional guidance were key in their journey.

Other contributing factors can include medical conditions, medications, or hormonal imbalances. If you suspect any of these, consulting a healthcare provider can be a good step.

What contributes to couples who have more than normal frequency of sex?

On the flip side, couples who have more frequent sex often prioritize it and make time for it despite their busy lives. They may also have strong physical attraction and good communication about their needs and desires.

For example, Megan and John make it a point to have date nights twice a week. These evenings are dedicated to reconnecting and often lead to intimate moments. By setting aside this time, they ensure they maintain a healthy and satisfying sex life.

Additionally, some couples might have higher libidos or find that sex is a crucial way for them to connect and unwind together. Understanding and embracing each other’s sexual preferences can enhance the relationship.

Wrapping Up

In the end, the most important thing is that you and your spouse feel happy and connected, regardless of how your sex life compares to others. There’s no right or wrong number—just what works for you as a couple. If you’re feeling concerned or dissatisfied, talk to each other, seek help if needed, and remember that intimacy comes in many forms.

Thank you for joining me today.  Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.