Blog

Today’s topic I think is one that many of us find challenging: what to do with unanswered arousal. This is something most of us were never taught to handle without acting on it. What happens when we’re turned on, but our spouse declines? How do we channel that energy into something productive and healthy?

Let’s unpack this together.

Understanding Unanswered Arousal:

First, let’s acknowledge that arousal is a natural and healthy part of our sexuality. However, our experiences and teachings around arousal can differ significantly based on gender and upbringing. Many men learned that their sexuality and arousal were forces bigger and stronger than they were, while women were often taught to be the gatekeepers of men’s sexuality.

This dynamic can create a lot of pressure and misunderstanding within a relationship, especially when one partner experiences arousal and the other isn’t in the mood. So, what do we do in these situations?

How Arousal Feels in Our Bodies:

When arousal is not answered, it can manifest in our bodies in various ways. You might feel a physical tension or tightness, especially in the pelvic area. Some people experience a heightened sensitivity to touch or even a sense of restlessness. Men might get an erection.  Emotionally, unanswered arousal can lead to feelings of frustration, anxiety, and even a sense of perceived powerlessness. This can be particularly challenging if you’ve been conditioned to believe that arousal always needs to be acted upon.

Recognizing these feelings and physical sensations is the first step in learning to manage them effectively.

Unhealthy Ways to Deal with Unanswered Arousal:

Let’s start by identifying some unhealthy ways to deal with unanswered arousal:

1. Making It Your Spouse’s Responsibility: Pressuring your spouse to engage in sexual activity when they’re not interested can lead to resentment and a breakdown in trust. It’s crucial to remember that your arousal is not your spouse’s responsibility to resolve. Using guilt or manipulation to get your spouse to have sex is damaging. It can create emotional distance and harm the intimacy in your relationship.
2. Turning to Pornography: While some individuals use porn as a coping mechanism, it can often lead to unrealistic expectations and further disconnection from your partner. It can also become a compulsive behavior that negatively impacts your relationship.
3. Repression: Suppressing or denying your arousal can lead to emotional and psychological issues. Over time, repression can create a sense of shame around your sexuality, which can be harmful to your self-esteem and your relationship.
4. Indulgence: On the other hand, indulging in unhealthy sexual behaviors, such as excessive masturbation or seeking sexual gratification outside of your relationship, can also be detrimental. These actions can erode trust and intimacy with your partner and create a cycle of dependency on sexual release for emotional regulation.

Healthy Ways to Deal with Unanswered Arousal:

Now, let’s explore some healthy and productive ways to handle unanswered arousal:

1. Sit with the Discomfort: It’s okay to feel aroused and not act on it. Learn to sit with the discomfort without needing immediate resolution. This can be an opportunity to build emotional resilience. Practice mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, to help you stay present with your feelings.
2. Appreciate the Arousal Without Resolution: Recognize and appreciate your arousal as a sign of your vitality and sexuality. You can acknowledge it without needing to act on it every time. Viewing arousal as a positive aspect of your sexuality, rather than something that must be immediately satisfied or a problem, can shift your perspective.
3. Metabolize the Energy: Channel that energy into other activities. Exercise, engage in a creative project, or focus on a hobby you enjoy. Physical activities like running, yoga, or dancing can help you release the built-up energy in a healthy way.
4. Ride the Wave: Understand that arousal comes in waves. Ride the wave of arousal, knowing that it will eventually subside. This can help you maintain patience and self-control. Think of it like surfing; sometimes you ride a wave, and sometimes you let it pass.
5. Roll the Energy into the Next Encounter: Use the heightened energy and anticipation to enhance your next sexual encounter with your spouse. Let the buildup create a more meaningful and connected experience when you’re both ready. This can turn unanswered arousal into a positive anticipation for future intimacy.

Staying Connected with Your Spouse:

A lot of times, when we have unanswered arousal, it is our natural inclination to pull away from our spouse.  If they aren’t going to be there for us, then we are going to disconnect from them.  But it’s important to stay connected with your spouse, even when your sexual needs aren’t immediately met. Communication is key. Talk openly about how you are feeling with your partner.  For example, you might say, “I’m feeling very aroused right now, but I understand you’re not in the mood. Can we plan for a special time together later this week?” As the partner who isn’t in the mood, make sure you show empathy and understanding for them without feeling like it’s your job to solve for it.

You can also use the eros energy, which is life-giving energy, towards creativity and personal growth. Channeling this energy into other areas of your life can enhance your overall well-being and deepen your connection with your spouse. You could even try erotic writing or art as a way to express your arousal in a healthy way.  

Teaching Our Children Better:

Finally, let’s touch on how we can teach our children to handle their arousal in healthier ways:

1. Open Communication: Create an environment where your children feel safe to talk about their feelings and experiences. Encourage open and honest conversations about sexuality and arousal. Normalize these discussions so they feel comfortable seeking guidance when needed.
2. Healthy Boundaries: Teach them about consent and the importance of respecting their own boundaries and the boundaries of others. Help them understand that it’s okay to say no and that their feelings and bodily autonomy matter.
3. Emotional Regulation: Help them develop skills to manage their emotions and arousal in healthy ways, such as mindfulness, physical activity, and creative outlets. Encourage them to explore hobbies and interests that allow them to express themselves.
4. Modeling Behavior: Be a role model for healthy sexual behavior and communication in your own relationship. Children learn a lot by observing their parents. Show them how to navigate arousal and intimacy with respect and consideration for both partners.

I heard a story about a teenage girl who was talking with a friend.  She was talking about how she didn’t want to see a certain guy anymore because he gave her butterflies, and that was bad. So she started dating another guy who didn’t give her butterflies and that was good and much more comfortable because she didn’t have to worry about those bad feelings.

It made me so sad for this girl because somewhere she had learned that butterflies and arousal are bad instead of understanding that they were good but she could make decisions for herself, from a place of integrity, on what she wanted to do with those feelings.

Conclusion:

Unanswered arousal doesn’t have to be a source of frustration or conflict in your relationship. By approaching it with understanding, empathy, and healthy coping mechanisms, you can navigate it successfully and even use it as an opportunity for personal and relational growth.

Thank you for joining me today. I hope you remember that your arousal is a natural part of who you are, and learning to manage it healthily is so worth it.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.