When was the last time you felt alive in your marriage? Has it been a while? The longer we’re married, the more sex can become something else on our to-do list. Something that needs to happen, but doesn’t bring much joy. But sex can be so much more than just the physical urge to have sex. How? When we replace sexuality with eroticism, sex becomes a way to connect with your spouse, to enjoy each other more, to feel more alive. Curious? Listen as we discuss the difference between sexuality and eroticism and what it can do for you.
Show Summary:
When was the last time you felt fully alive in your marriage? Not just happy or content, but truly vibrant, connected, and energized by your relationship? For many of us, sex becomes just another item on the to-do list—a quick physical release or a chore we check off without much thought. But what if I told you that sex could be about so much more than just satisfying a physical urge? What if it could be an experience of deep connection and creativity that leaves you and your spouse feeling fully alive? Today, we’re diving into the powerful difference between sexuality and eroticism—and how this distinction can completely transform your marriage.
What Is Sexuality? What Is Eroticism?
Let’s start with some clarity. Sexuality is the foundation of our physical being. It’s the primal, biological drive for connection and reproduction. It’s the rush of hormones that makes your pulse quicken when your partner kisses you in just the right way. It’s instinctual and raw, and it’s what makes us human. But while sexuality is essential, it’s only the starting point.
Eroticism, on the other hand, is something much deeper. It’s sexuality infused with imagination. It’s the sense of playfulness, curiosity, and vitality that makes intimacy exciting and meaningful. Think of it as the poetry of sex, where creativity transforms the physical act into something alive with possibility. It’s not just about what you’re doing; it’s about the intention, the energy, and the connection behind it.
Imagine this: A kiss can simply be lips touching, warm and pleasant. That’s sexuality. Now imagine that same kiss when it’s slow, lingering, and filled with the kind of desire that says, I see you, and I want you. It becomes a dance of connection, a spark of intimacy that sets your whole body buzzing. That’s eroticism.
The Problem with How We See Sex Today
In our modern world, we often reduce sex to mechanics: how often we’re doing it, how good we are at it, and whether it’s satisfying. Sex becomes a performance, a transaction, or simply a way to satisfy a physical urge. But when we strip away the deeper meaning, something essential is lost.
The truth is, you can have sex and feel very little. History is full of examples of women, in particular, engaging in sex out of duty or obligation, not desire. Without eroticism, sex can feel empty—a routine we go through to keep the peace or fulfill expectations. This is where many couples find themselves stuck, wondering why their intimacy feels flat or uninspired.
One of the most surprising insights about eroticism comes from Ester Perel’s research on infidelity. When people are asked why they had an affair, the most common answer isn’t about sex at all. Instead, they describe feeling alive—vibrant, connected, and energized in a way they hadn’t experienced in years. It’s not the affair itself that created that aliveness; it’s the sense of being desired, of stepping out of the mundane and into something electric. Here’s the good news: You don’t need an affair to feel alive. That same vibrancy can exist in a committed marriage when you prioritize imagination, curiosity, and connection.
Rethinking Sex in Marriage
So, how do we bring this sense of aliveness into a marriage? The first step is rethinking the way we approach sex. Too often, we wait until we’re “in the mood” or feeling physically aroused before we initiate. But sex in a healthy marriage isn’t about scratching an itch; it’s about cultivating desire for your partner and the shared experience of connection.
When sex becomes a routine or a duty, it loses its spark. But when it’s rooted in desire—desire not just for physical pleasure, but for the unique connection you share with your spouse—it becomes transformative. This kind of desire isn’t accidental; it’s intentional. It’s about choosing to engage with your partner, even when you’re tired or distracted, because you value the connection it creates.
Imagine you’ve had a long, exhausting day. You’re not “in the mood,” and sex feels like the furthest thing from your mind. Instead of shutting down the possibility, ask yourself a different question: How can I connect with my spouse right now? Maybe that connection starts with a hug, a shared laugh, or simply lying close together. When we open ourselves to moments of intimacy, desire often follows naturally.
Bringing Eroticism into Your Relationship
Eroticism is not something that just happens; it’s something we create. It’s about infusing your relationship with curiosity, playfulness, and intention. Think back to the early days of your relationship. Everything felt new and exciting because you were curious about each other. You asked questions, you flirted, and you paid attention to the little details. That same curiosity can be reignited, no matter how long you’ve been married.
Playfulness is another key ingredient of eroticism. When was the last time you and your spouse truly played together? Flirting, teasing, and laughing are powerful ways to break out of routine and create an atmosphere of lighthearted connection. Maybe it’s a cheeky text message during the day, a surprise kiss, or even a silly game that turns into something more. Playfulness invites spontaneity, and spontaneity is at the heart of eroticism.
Eroticism isn’t limited to the bedroom. It’s about the way you engage with each other in everyday life. A simple touch as you pass each other in the kitchen, a whispered compliment, or a meaningful look can all be acts of erotic connection. These small moments build anticipation and remind your partner, I see you, and I desire you.
Why Aliveness Matters in Marriage
When we infuse eroticism into our marriages, we’re not just making sex better—we’re making our entire relationship more vibrant. Eroticism is the antidote to the monotony that often creeps into long-term relationships. It’s what keeps us curious about our partner, what keeps the spark alive even after years together.
The beauty of eroticism is that it doesn’t just make your marriage feel alive; it makes you feel alive. When you bring vitality and creativity into your intimate life, it spills over into every other part of your relationship—and even your own sense of self.
This week, I want to challenge you to bring a little more eroticism into your marriage. Maybe it’s trying something new in the bedroom, asking your spouse a playful question, or simply focusing on how you can make your connection feel more alive. Notice the difference it makes—not just in how you feel about your spouse, but in how you feel about yourself.
Closing Thoughts:
Sexuality is the foundation, but eroticism is the spark. It’s what turns a routine marriage into a vibrant, passionate partnership. So don’t settle for going through the motions. Choose to connect, to create, and to cultivate a marriage that makes both of you feel truly alive.
Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.
