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You’ve probably heard the term thrown around before—and maybe cringed a little.
“Maintenance sex” doesn’t exactly inspire poetry. It doesn’t sound romantic. And for some, it can initially feel like a compromise—like we’re settling for less.

But here’s what I want to offer: Maintenance sex can actually be a sacred, sustainable act of love.
It’s not the “leftovers” of your sex life—it can be one of the most meaningful expressions of commitment you give each other.

Maintenance sex is simply this: sex you choose to have, not because you’re wildly turned on, but because you want to keep the thread of sexual connection alive. Because you value what sex means for your relationship. Because you don’t want weeks or months to go by without touching, kissing, laughing, or sharing that part of yourselves—even if life is busy or your desire isn’t sky-high.

It’s not always about passion. It’s about presence.
It’s not about obligation. It’s about intention.

How Is Maintenance Sex Different from Duty Sex?

This is such an important distinction, especially for  women who’ve been taught (explicitly or implicitly) that part of their worth is in how available they are for their husband.

Duty sex says:

• “I have to.”
• “He’ll be mad if I don’t.”
• “This is what a good wife does.”
• “This is what is expected of  me, even if I hate it.”

Maintenance sex says:

• “I choose to.”
• “I want to nurture our connection.”
• “I’m not super turned on, but I’m open to closeness.”
• “This is part of how I love and show up for us.”

Here’s a scenario to bring this to life.

Let’s say it’s Friday night. You’ve had a long week. You’re tired, a little touched-out, and you’re not particularly aroused. Your husband makes a move. In a duty sex dynamic, you might feel pressure to say yes so he doesn’t get upset. You brace yourself. You go through the motions. You check out emotionally.

But in a maintenance sex dynamic, you might pause and think, “I’m not totally in the mood, but I do want to feel close to him. Maybe I can let myself be touched and see how it feels.” You breathe. You lean into connection. You honor your boundaries and your desire to stay emotionally and physically linked.

Maintenance sex requires that both partners respect each other’s “yes” and “no.” It’s collaborative. It’s chosen. And it doesn’t come at the cost of one person’s emotional or physical safety.

Why Might Maintenance Sex Be a Good Option?

Because life is real.

Let’s say you’ve got toddlers who crawl into bed at 2 a.m.
Or a teen who needs to be picked up from their friend’s house at 11 p.m.
Or a demanding job, or chronic pain, or hormonal fluctuations that affect your desires.

You’re still in love. You still value sex. You’re just tired. And so is your spouse.

This is where maintenance sex can be a gift.

It gives you permission to have “good enough” sex, like we talked about last week.
Not perfect. Not transcendent. Just real, kind, affectionate, mutual sex.
Sex that keeps you tethered to one another when the world is trying to pull you apart.

And over time, those “good enough” moments become the foundation for trust, spontaneity, and even more passionate encounters down the road.

One couple I coached started planning maintenance sex twice a week—not because they were wildly turned on, but because they didn’t want to feel like roommates anymore.

Within a month, they were laughing more. Holding hands more. Wanting each other more. The intentionality reignited something they hadn’t felt in a long time. Not because the sex was mind-blowing—but because it reminded them: we matter.

When Is It Not a Good Idea?

Maintenance sex is powerful—but it’s not always the right move.

If you’re emotionally disconnected, and one or both of you are carrying resentment, then jumping straight to sex can feel hollow—or even violating. It can reinforce old wounds rather than heal them.

Also, if maintenance sex becomes the default without any curiosity or conversation, it can feel like you’re stuck in a rut.

Let’s say one partner always initiates and the other always says yes—out of habit, not true desire. It can breed resentment, even if no one’s saying anything out loud.

Another scenario: A wife agrees to maintenance sex regularly, but over time feels invisible in the experience—like it’s more about “getting it done” than actually connecting. She may begin to feel used, or emotionally checked out.

This is where maintenance sex must stay grounded in consent, trust, and mutuality. It must come with a shared understanding of why you’re doing it—and space to regularly check in and ask: Is this still working for both of us?

If sex ever feels like a “payment” to keep the peace, that’s not maintenance. That’s survival. And it needs more than a scheduling fix—it needs safety, healing, and new patterns of communication.

How Do You Do It? How Do You Propose It to Your Spouse?

Start by naming what’s true: that you want to stay close, even when you’re tired or not in a season of super high desire.

You could say:

“I miss us. I know things have been busy lately, but I don’t want to go weeks without physical connection. What if we planned a little time for ourselves, even if it’s just cuddling or making out—maybe more if we feel like it?”

Or,

“Sex is something I want to keep alive between us—not because I feel pressure, but because I love what it creates. Could we explore what it might look like to have some regular ‘us time,’ without making it feel like a chore?”

You can make it playful:

“What if we had a ‘Thursday Night Touch Base’? No pressure, just an invitation to connect—physically, emotionally, sexually—however we want that week.”

And if your spouse is more of a spontaneous type, you might frame it this way:

“Scheduling sex doesn’t mean we’re boring—it just means we’re making sure this part of our life doesn’t get lost. It’s like meal planning. Not every dinner is a five-star meal—but we don’t skip eating just because we’re not inspired.”

What If They Don’t Want To? How Do You Negotiate?

It’s not uncommon for one spouse to feel skeptical about the idea of “planned” or “maintenance” sex.

They might say:

• “I don’t want pity sex.”
• “It won’t feel good if you’re not into it.”
• “I’d rather wait until we’re really in the mood.”

This is where you can redefine what sex means in your relationship.

You can say:

“I hear that—and I don’t want you to feel unwanted or like I’m just checking a box either. What I’m talking about is both of us showing up—not because we’re on fire with passion, but because we care. Because we want to keep that spark from going out completely.”

Or,

“This doesn’t mean I’m forcing myself. It means I’m opening myself to you, even when the mood isn’t already there—because I trust that desire can grow.”

If they’re still hesitant, negotiate. Maybe maintenance sex doesn’t mean intercourse. Maybe it means sensual time. Physical closeness. Or even mutual massage.

Let it evolve. Let it reflect who you two are—not who you think you should be.

What Might It Create for You?

When done well, maintenance sex builds:

• Emotional trust: You feel like your partner wants to stay close to you, even when life gets in the way.
• Sexual safety: You stop waiting for perfect conditions and start trusting that closeness is available even when you’re not at your peak.
• Momentum: You stay in rhythm. It’s easier to want sex when sex isn’t so far behind you.

I had one client say,

“I used to think sex had to be amazing for it to be worth it. But once we started showing up more consistently, even when the spark was low, I realized how deeply I value the warmth, the skin-to-skin, the way I feel held. That’s worth showing up for—even when I’m not in the mood.”

And over time, these moments build on each other. You get better at tuning in. You get more creative. You feel more safe. You actually begin to want sex more—not because you’re trying to keep your spouse happy, but because you’ve built a relationship where sex feels safe, mutual, and good.

So Maybe This Week…

• Could you look at your calendar and find one night you could reserve for each other?
• Could you talk to your spouse and say, “What would it look like for us to stay connected physically, even when life gets full?”
• Could you reframe sex as less of a performance—and more of a shared space to be real?

Because maintenance sex isn’t about settling.
It’s about sustaining—so that the sexual relationship you have now continues to nourish you in the years to come.

Even on ordinary days.
Even when you’re not “in the mood.”
Even when the spark is quiet—but still glowing.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.