Do you have confidence? Do you have self-confidence?  What is the difference? How does confidence and self-confidence effect your marriage? Find out more on this week’s episode!

Show Summary:

So many of the issues I see with my clients is because of confidence and self-confidence.  Sometimes it’s sneaky.  They think they are pretty confident, but when it comes down to it, they really aren’t and they are just trying to compensate and fool themselves and others into thinking that they truly are confident.  But it’s something that we ALL deal with.

For some reason, there is something inside of us that tells us that we are not “enough.”  Every single one of us have it.  We don’t believe that because we think it’s just us.  Or there’s the girl down the street that just oozes confidence, so she can’t possibly have issues of self-doubt, self-loathing, and “enough-ness.”  But I’m telling you, we ALL do.

So what is the difference between confidence and self-confidence.

Confidence comes from being secure in your abilities.  It comes from the things that you do.  

  • My daughter has confidence in her pitching because she has thrown thousands of strikes.  She knows what she needs to do to throw a strike.  
  • I get confident in playing a certain piece on the piano when I have practiced it over and over and over with no mistakes.  
  • I’m confident in completing my goals because I know that I work daily to accomplish them

Self-Confidence on the other hand comes from being secure in yourself.  It’s the ability to trust yourself – knowing that you can experience any emotion (including failure) without being harmed.

So let’s break that down even more.

Ability to trust yourself

What does it mean to trust yourself?  It means that you do you what you say you are going to do.  

  • If you say you are going to go the gym 5 days a week, you do it
  • If you say you are going to stick with an eating protocol, you do it
  • If you say you are going be on time, you do it.

You follow through.  You do things even when you don’t feel like it, just because you said that you would and you want to honor that for YOURSELF!

When you say you are going to do something and you “hope” to do it, you are leaving things open to self-doubt.  This is the opposite of self-confidence.  If you can’t count on yourself and you are just “at the effect” of the world around you instead of taking charge and control… you will never be self-confident. 

Self-confidence starts from consistent follow through on your word to yourself.

Experiencing any emotion

The worst thing that can EVER happen is an emotion.  

If someone were to die then you experience grief, sadness, and emotional pain (which are all emotions)

If you didn’t do something correctly you might experience embarrassment and humiliation (emotions)

If your husband were to leave you you might experience sadness, anger, disappointment, or embarressment.

Do you see…these are all just emotions.  And emotions are just vibrations in your body.  They won’t hurt you.  They may not feel comfortable in your body, but they won’t actually hurt you.

We spend so much time in self-doubt because we don’t think we can handle what might come, but when we can learn to just identify, accept, and process our emotions fully, no emotion will permanently harm us.

If we are willing to experience any emotion, because we know that is the worst that can happen, we will have so much self-confidence because we know we are unstoppable.  Nothing can get in our way.  

Being wiling to feel anything takes the risk out of everything and gives us the “Bring it On” attitude!  

Your opinion of yourself

What you think of yourself is what generates or depletes self confidence.  Confidence is a feeling – it’s how you feel about yourself.  Since all of our feelings come from our thinking, the way we think about ourselves will determine our self-confidence.

A self-confident person thinks thoughts that make them feel good, capably, worthy.  They think they are strong and competent.

Now – notice that they don’t have to prove that.  They just have to think it…which creates they result that they are.  

Arrogance

A lot of times when I bring up confidence with my clients they think about someone who is arrogant and they don’t want to be like them.  Arrogance and confidence are not the same thing.

Arrogance is thinking you are better that someone else and trying to prove it.  Arrogance actually comes from a place of insecurity.  People who are arrogant raise their opinion of themselves by putting others down.

Confidence comes from a place that is genuine and understands that ALL HUMANS are awesome and capable.  We are all amazing because our Heavenly Father made us that way.  We also all have flaws and faults, which doesn’t makes us less valuable as humans.  It is what makes us human.

Arrogance is based on fear.  They see flaws in themselves that they need to project on others.  They exaggerate their abilities and accomplishments to compensate for the lack that they truly feel.  

Self-confidence, on the other hand, can handle fear or any other negative emotion. 

Why most of us don’t have it

Most of us aren’t self-confident because we don’t trust ourselves.  We don’t understand how to manage our minds and feel out of control with our feelings and actions.  This leads us to letting ourselves down constantly.  

We are afraid of our emotions.  We are afraid of feeling certain ways because we don’t understand where it comes from and how to control it.

We are always questioning our abilities because we have to do things perfectly or we’ll feel a negative emotion.  

Our inner voice is not kind.  We say horrible things to ourselves about ourself.

Our brains are programmed to see what is wrong and is always looking for it…even in ourselves.  We think negative thoughts which create negative emotions.

Confidence is a skill

Thinking thoughts that create confidence is a skill.  It takes practice, just like all of our thought work.  We have to identify all of the negative self-talk and beliefs we have about ourselves so that we can overcome it.  

How does lack of self-confidence show up in a marriage?  

So how does lack of self-confidence show up in a marriage?

Control!

One spouse trying to control the other because that is how they feel better about themselves and their world.  They can’t handle things not in their control because then they might feel a negative emotion.

One spouse constantly being controlled by the other because they don’t feel confident enough in themselves to be their own person, do what they want to do, or feel they aren’t worthy of being loved so they submit to control thinking that the person will leave them if they don’t.

You might also get some combinations of neither partner taking control and nothing much gets done or both trying to control the other and a constant power struggle.

What does a marriage look like when partners have self-confidence

So what does a marriage look like when partners have self-confidence?  Neither is afraid to be themselves.  There is give and take.  They submit to the other willingly because they know it’s not about power or control.  They see themselves as equal partners, neither being better than the other.  They are both willing to do hard things because they know they can handle it.  They work as a team.

So which one sounds more like you? More like your marriage?  Take an honest look at where you are in your self-confidence.   Do you live up to what you say you are going to do?  How willing are you to feel ANY emotion?

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