Desire is a topic that comes up a lot in my coaching business. Couples often wonder why she’s just not in the mood so in this episode, we’re going to talk about 4 possible reasons why. While this isn’t a complete list, these are the reasons I hear most often. So listen in to not only find out why she’s just not in the mood but also what you can do about it.
Show Summary:
Today we’re exploring a common challenge: when she’s not in the mood. It’s something that many couples experience, and while it can be frustrating for both partners, understanding why it’s happening can make all the difference. In this episode, we’re going to focus on four possible reasons why she might not be feeling it and what you can do to help her reconnect with her desire. These four reasons are not always the answer as women’s desire is very complicated, but I do see these reasons quite often. If these don’t resonate with you or your wife, I would definitely consider coming into coaching so we can dig into this further. I also have another free class coming up on November 5 at 1pm Mountain Time on the Intricacies of Women’s Desire. You can go to AmandaLouder.com/freeclass to sign up and learn more.
Ok, let’s dig into the reasons she might not be in the mood
1. She’s Not Feeling Emotionally Connected
Emotional connection is a powerful factor in a woman’s desire for intimacy. Many couples, after marriage, tend to fall into a comfortable rhythm—life becomes about work, kids, and routine. This can lead to emotional complacency. When a woman feels emotionally disconnected from her partner, it’s often difficult for her to access her sexual desire. Emotional connection is built through everyday interactions, and when those small moments of closeness are missing, the spark can fade.
Ask yourself: When was the last time you made her feel truly loved and connected? Not just through words and when it’s not about sex, but through actions that show you care. You don’t need to make grand romantic gestures every day, but returning to small acts of affection can rebuild that connection. Send her a thoughtful message during the day, pick up her favorite snack on your way home, or take a few minutes to ask her how her day went without distractions. These simple acts show her you care about her.
Another form of emotional connection comes from meaningful conversations. If your interactions are limited to logistical discussions about who’s picking up the kids or paying bills, it’s hard to feel emotionally bonded. She may long for deeper conversations, like the ones you had when you were first dating, where you shared hopes, dreams, and fears. Make sure you aren’t just asking her questions but also open up about yourself too. She wants to know you too.
Another idea is to ask her thought-provoking questions over dinner, such as “What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately that we haven’t talked about?” or “What’s one thing you’re proud of this week?” These conversations allow her to feel seen and heard, fostering emotional closeness.
Here’s a simple but powerful question to ask her this week: “What’s one thing I can do to help you feel more connected to me?” This question opens up a space for her to express her needs without feeling like it’s all about sex. When she feels emotionally close to you, her desire for physical intimacy is more likely to follow.
2. She Feels Pressured
Pressure is the enemy of desire. If she feels like sex is something she has to do (whether that is from you or internal inside of her), or if there’s an expectation hovering over her, it can kill any natural spark of desire. Many women need the freedom to choose sex rather than feel it’s expected of them. When she feels like she’s under constant pressure to perform or meet expectations, sex can become something she dreads rather than something she looks forward to. When sex becomes a task on a checklist, it loses the excitement and connection that should be at its core.
Let’s say that every time you cuddle, she feels like it’s inevitably going to lead to sex, even if she’s not in the mood. This creates a sense of pressure, even if it’s unspoken. Over time, she may start avoiding physical touch altogether because she doesn’t want it to lead down a path she’s not ready for, causing further disconnection.
One way to combat this is to take a break from the bedroom and focus on non-sexual intimacy. That doesn’t mean ignoring each other or avoiding affection—it means showing her that intimacy is about more than sex. Try spending time together cuddling, holding hands, or just being close without any sexual expectations. It’s a powerful way to rekindle the emotional connection that leads to desire, without the pressure. When she feels safe to experience physical intimacy without feeling pressured, her desire can naturally return.
Sometimes pressure builds up because sex hasn’t been discussed openly. If one partner feels like sex is expected at certain times, like every weekend or after a date night, it can feel obligatory. She may also feel like her pleasure isn’t as important as yours, adding to the pressure to just “get it over with.”
Instead of trying to “fix” the lack of sex, take a break from it and focus on discussing your intimate life without the goal of having sex. Ask her how she feels about your sexual relationship, what she likes, and what could be improved. This shift in focus can relieve her of the pressure to perform and open up a more relaxed, honest conversation about desire.
Giving her the space to feel like she can say “no” without guilt creates safety. And when she feels safe, she may naturally start to feel desire return.
3. She’s Exhausted
Let’s be honest—life can be exhausting, especially if she’s juggling a lot of responsibilities like work, kids, and managing the household. When a woman is mentally or physically drained, sex can feel like just one more thing on her already overflowing to-do list and it’s often the last thing on her mind. Unlike men, for most women, sex isn’t something that she thinks about naturally. It is something that must be done with intention. So if there are a lot of other things on her mind, and she isn’t very intentional, it’s probably just not going to be there. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you or that you don’t matter to her. It’s just a lot of other things that are pulling that attention.
This is where you can step in and lighten the load. Believe it or not, one of the most attractive things to her might be seeing you do chores without being asked. Notice I didn’t say “help her.” Help implies that it’s her job and not yours as an equal partner. Also notice that I didn’t say “ask her what she needs you to do.” This still puts the mental load on her and she not only needs the chores taken off but she needs the mental load taken off too. So look around. See what needs to be done. See what you can do to not only lighten her physical load but also her mental load as well. If she comes home to a clean kitchen, laundry folded, or kids taken care of, that can help alleviate her exhaustion and make her feel appreciated. When she’s less stressed, she has more energy for intimacy.
Remember, helping out isn’t about manipulating her into sex or earning sex or being rewarded for good behavior with sex. It’s about being an equal partner and showing her you care about her well-being. Her desire often follows when she feels supported and less overwhelmed.
4. You’re a Selfish Lover
Finally, one of the biggest reasons she might not be in the mood is if she feels like sex is all about you. If sex has become focused on your own pleasure and ends quickly after you’re satisfied, she may not feel motivated to engage. Women need to feel like their pleasure and satisfaction are just as important as their partner’s, and if that’s not happening, it can create resentment and reluctance toward sex.
Ask yourself: Are you focusing on her needs, her pleasure, and her satisfaction? When she knows that you care about her experience and not just your own, she’s much more likely to be engaged and enthusiastic about sex. Sex is about mutuality in the bedroom, giving and receiving. When you make her pleasure a priority, she’s often more than willing to return the favor.
Imagine a scenario where you initiate sex, but instead of taking the time to ensure she’s fully aroused and enjoying the experience, you rush through foreplay and move straight to intercourse. If she feels like her pleasure is secondary, she may lose interest in sex altogether.
Before anything else, focus on what she enjoys. Ask her what feels good, what turns her on, and what she’d like more of. Make sure she’s fully engaged and enjoying herself before moving forward. This doesn’t just lead to better sex for her—it also strengthens your connection and makes her feel valued.
If sex feels like something you expect as a reward or entitlement, she might feel like she’s just a means to an end. This can make her feel objectified, which will only push her further away from wanting intimacy.
Shift your mindset from sex being about “getting something” to it being about deepening your connection. Sex should be a shared experience of mutual pleasure and closeness, not something that’s only about one partner’s satisfaction. When she feels like her pleasure is prioritized and that you’re genuinely interested in her experience, her desire is likely to grow.
In summary, her lack of desire could be stemming from emotional disconnection, pressure, exhaustion, or feeling like she’s not truly valued in the bedroom. These aren’t insurmountable problems—they just require understanding and effort. By focusing on emotional connection, relieving pressure, being an equal partner in the marriage with children and household duties, and being a generous lover, you can often reignite the spark in your relationship.
Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.
