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Guess what is the #1 thing that people google that brings them to my website?  “I’m not attracted to my spouse.”  I addressed this originally back in Episode 72, so I thought it was high time I addressed it again.

Relationships are complex, and they can go through various stages and challenges over the years. Falling out of love or losing attraction to your spouse is a common experience for many couples, even though it’s often not talked about openly. If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, it doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed—it just means it needs some attention and effort. 

Why Does This Happen?

There are many reasons why someone might feel like they’ve fallen out of love or lost attraction for their spouse. It typically doesn’t happen overnight, but is a gradual process that has a lot of factors.  Life happens—kids, careers, stress, changing bodies—and what used to feel effortless now requires intention. Attraction and love aren’t static – they evolve and require nurturing over time.

Emotional and Physical Distance

One of the most significant factors in feeling disconnected is emotional or physical distance. Maybe you’re not spending as much time together, or when you are together, it feels like you’re just going through the motions. Life’s demands can leave little room for the romance and passion that once defined your relationship.

For example, after years of being focused on the kids and work, you might find yourself saying, “We’re like roommates. We don’t even talk about anything except schedules and logistics.” This emotional distance can start to feel like you don’t know your partner anymore, which naturally affects attraction.

Unmet Needs

Another common reason is unmet needs—whether emotional, physical, or even sexual. If one or both partners feel like their needs aren’t being met, it’s easy to start pulling away. For instance, if a wife feels emotionally disconnected because her husband isn’t making an effort to connect on a deeper level, she might start to feel less attracted to him physically. Likewise, if a husband feels like his sexual needs aren’t being prioritized, he might start feeling frustrated, which can create emotional distance.

Changes in Identity

As we grow and change, so do our identities, and sometimes, our partner’s growth or lack thereof affects how we feel about them. Perhaps you’ve been working on personal development, growing emotionally, spiritually, or physically, but your spouse hasn’t been on the same journey. It’s easy to feel disconnected when you feel like you are evolving and they’re staying stagnant.

How This Affects Men and Women Differently

For women, attraction is often closely tied to emotional connection. When women feel emotionally distant from their partner, it can affect how physically attracted they are. Women often carry more emotional labor in relationships—managing the household, kids, work, and other responsibilities—and when they feel unappreciated or unseen in this role, it can impact attraction and love.

A woman might think, “I’ve gained weight. I don’t look the same as when we got married.” These self-perceptions can cloud her ability to feel desirable, which in turn affects her attraction to her spouse. When she’s feeling insecure about herself, it can also be hard to be open and vulnerable in a romantic relationship.

Another common thought for women is, “He doesn’t make me feel special anymore.” If the emotional connection has faded, she may find herself less attracted to her partner, because for many women, love and attraction are tied to how cherished they feel.

On the other hand, men may see their role in the relationship differently. Many men feel that as long as they are providing—whether financially or by helping around the house—that should be enough to maintain the bond. Men may not always recognize that women need emotional connection and desire beyond just the practical aspects of the relationship.

A common thought for men might be, “I’m doing everything I can—providing, helping with the kids, doing chores. Why isn’t she attracted to me anymore?” or “Why doesn’t she want to have sex with me?”  This can be confusing for men, as they often equate providing with being a good partner. But attraction isn’t just about being helpful; it’s about the emotional and romantic connection too.

In some cases, men may also fall into the “nice guy” trap, thinking that being agreeable and accommodating is the key to keeping the peace. While being kind is essential, women also need to feel a sense of masculine presence and strength. If a man is overly passive or disengaged, it can dampen attraction for his partner.

What to Do If You’ve Fallen Out of Love or Attraction

If you’ve realized that you’ve fallen out of love or lost attraction to your spouse, it’s important not to panic. This is an opportunity to reflect on your relationship and figure out what’s really going on.

Step 1: Open Communication

The first step is to talk about it. Open communication is key to any successful relationship. Rather than keeping your feelings bottled up, share them with your spouse in a kind and non-blaming way.

Example: Instead of saying, “I don’t find you attractive anymore,” which can be very hurtful, try saying something like, “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I think it’s affecting how close we feel. I miss the way we used to connect.”

By framing it as a shared problem, rather than placing blame, you can invite your partner to work on the relationship with you.

Step 2: Identify the Root Cause

Is the loss of attraction really about your spouse, or is it more about something within yourself? Maybe you’ve let go of self-care, or perhaps stress and exhaustion have dulled your interest in intimacy. It’s crucial to take a step back and consider whether external factors—like stress, body image issues, or resentment—are influencing how you feel.

Step 3: What If Your Spouse Isn’t Taking Care of Themselves?

One of the more sensitive issues is when you feel like your spouse has let themselves go—whether physically or emotionally. Attraction can be impacted when a partner neglects their health, appearance, or self-care. Addressing this without coming across as superficial requires a balance of empathy, honesty, and focusing on the underlying concerns rather than just appearance or habits.

1. Focus on Health and Well-being, Not Just Appearance

When discussing self-care, frame it in terms of overall well-being rather than just physical appearance. Your concern should come from a place of love and care for their health, energy levels, and emotional state.

Example: Instead of saying, “I wish you’d lose weight,” try something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed really tired or stressed lately, and I’m worried about how it might be affecting your health and happiness. Is there anything I can do to support you in feeling more energized or taking care of yourself?” This way, the focus is on their well-being, not their physical appearance.

By shifting the conversation to how they’re feeling—both emotionally and physically—you make it less about superficial attributes and more about the overall picture of health.

2. Express It as a Shared Concern for the Relationship

Sometimes when a partner isn’t taking care of themselves, it can affect the relationship dynamic, from emotional connection to intimacy. Addressing it as something that impacts both of you makes it a shared concern rather than a judgment.

Example: “I love you and want us both to feel good in this relationship. I’ve noticed that lately, we haven’t been as connected, and I wonder if some of that is related to how we’re both feeling about our health and energy levels. What do you think?”

This opens up a dialogue that includes both of you and avoids making it seem like the issue is solely theirs. It emphasizes teamwork, which can help your spouse feel supported rather than criticized.

3. Acknowledge That Self-Care is Personal

It’s important to recognize that how someone cares for themselves is personal, and your spouse may have different priorities or reasons behind their current habits. Instead of assuming they’re neglecting self-care because they don’t care, try to understand what might be going on under the surface.

Example: “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been doing some of the things you used to enjoy, like going for runs or cooking your favorite healthy meals. Is there something that’s been getting in the way of taking time for yourself?”

Your spouse might be struggling with stress, burnout, or even depression, which can make self-care harder. A compassionate approach invites them to share what’s going on, rather than feeling attacked or judged.

4. Set an Example, Not a Standard

If you’re committed to taking care of yourself and making healthy choices, share that journey with your spouse rather than expecting them to match a standard. Lead by example and invite them to join you in activities that promote well-being, rather than pointing out what they’re doing wrong.

Example: “I’ve been trying to prioritize my own health lately, like going for walks or cooking healthier meals. I’d love it if we could do some of those things together. It would be a fun way to spend more time with you and we could both feel better.”

When you position self-care as something you’re doing together, it feels less like a criticism and more like an invitation to connect. This can help your spouse see it as a positive step, not something they’re failing at.

5. Approach the Conversation with Empathy, Not Judgment

Before bringing up the topic, ask yourself why it’s important to you. Are you worried about their health? Their emotional well-being? Or is it primarily about how you feel about their appearance? If it’s the latter, it’s crucial to examine your own feelings and expectations to ensure you’re coming from a loving, compassionate place.

Once you’ve reflected on that, approach the conversation with empathy, acknowledging that this might be a sensitive topic for them.

Example: “I know this might be a little uncomfortable to talk about, but I want to have an open conversation with you because I care about you. I’ve noticed that you don’t seem like yourself lately, and I’m concerned about how it might be affecting your overall well-being. I’m here for you and want to support you however I can.”

Approaching the subject with empathy signals that you’re not there to criticize, but to help and understand. This can make your spouse feel safe enough to open up about what’s going on.

6. Don’t Make It All About Sex or Attraction

While it’s natural that your spouse’s self-care habits might influence your level of attraction, it’s important not to center the conversation entirely around sex or physical attraction. That can feel superficial and lead to defensiveness or hurt feelings. Instead, focus on the bigger picture of your spouse’s mental, emotional, and physical health.

Example: Instead of saying, “I’m not attracted to you because you’ve let yourself go,” say something like, “I miss feeling close to you in all ways—emotionally and physically—and I wonder if we can find ways to reconnect and feel better together.”

This frames the conversation as being about your connection and shared well-being, not just their physical appearance.

7. Be Patient and Supportive

If your spouse isn’t taking care of themselves, it’s likely due to deeper reasons—stress, fatigue, or emotional struggles. Changing habits, especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed, can be challenging. Be patient with them and offer ongoing support rather than expecting immediate change.

Example: “I know it’s hard to find the time and energy to focus on yourself, especially with everything we have going on. I’m here for you, and we can take small steps together. Even if it’s just going for a walk after dinner, we can start slow and see how we feel.”

By offering support and acknowledging that it’s a process, you help take the pressure off. This makes it easier for your spouse to consider making changes because they know they’re not doing it alone.

How to Rekindle Love and Attraction

Now that we’ve talked about why you might be feeling that loss of attraction or love, let’s talk about how to rekindle it.  The good news is that you can rekindle love and attraction with intention and effort. Here are some actionable steps to get back on track:

1. Prioritize Time Together

One of the most significant ways to reconnect is by making time for each other. In the busy seasons of life, it’s easy to lose sight of spending quality time as a couple. Start with small, consistent efforts—like a weekly date night or 30 minutes of uninterrupted time before bed to catch up and talk.

Example: A couple that hasn’t had alone time in months can start by committing to a weekly date night where phones are off, and the focus is just on each other. Even taking a walk around the neighborhood can offer the chance to reconnect emotionally and build intimacy.

2. Rebuild Emotional Intimacy

Many times, a lack of attraction stems from a lack of emotional connection. Start rebuilding emotional intimacy by having more meaningful conversations. Share your thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities with each other.

Example: Ask each other open-ended questions like, “What’s something you’ve been thinking about a lot lately?” or “What are your dreams for the next five years?” These deeper conversations can reignite the emotional closeness that fuels attraction.

3. Physical Touch

Non-sexual physical touch plays a big role in maintaining physical attraction. Simple acts like holding hands, hugging, or even sitting close to each other can reignite feelings of closeness.

Example: Make it a point to initiate physical contact daily. Whether it’s a kiss before leaving for work or cuddling on the couch while watching TV, physical touch helps to strengthen your bond.

4. Try New Things Together

Sometimes, we lose attraction because we fall into routines. Trying new activities together can help bring excitement back into the relationship.

Example: Take a cooking class together, go on a weekend trip, or even explore new things in the bedroom. Novelty can reignite excitement and passion.

5. Focus on Self-Improvement

One of the best ways to enhance attraction is by focusing on yourself. When you’re the best version of yourself—physically, emotionally, and mentally—you’ll naturally feel more confident and attract your partner.

Example: Start a new fitness routine, pick up a hobby that excites you, or invest in your emotional growth through therapy or coaching. When you’re thriving, your relationship will thrive too.

6. Be Patient and Persistent

Rebuilding attraction takes time, especially if it’s been lost for a while. Don’t expect immediate results, but with consistent effort, you’ll start to see progress.

Example: If the changes you’re making don’t seem to be working right away, don’t give up. Keep showing up for each other and being intentional about your relationship. Over time, those small actions add up.

Falling out of love or attraction doesn’t mean the relationship is over. It’s a sign that things need to be nurtured and tended to. Relationships, just like anything worthwhile, take effort and care. But with open communication, small consistent efforts, and a commitment to growing together, you can reignite that love and attraction with your spouse.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.