Are you bad in bed? Is your spouse? Being “bad in bed” isn’t a thing that should cause shame or anger but it is something that needs to be looked at more. And it usually starts outside the bedroom. In this episode, we’re going to talk about what it means to be “bad in bed” and what to do about it if you recognize yourself or your spouse in the list. With my normal honest and forthright style, I’ll give you exactly what to say and do to no longer be “bad in bed.”
Show Summary:
Sometimes, the signs that someone isn’t meeting their partner’s needs in the bedroom are more subtle than we expect. It’s easy to think of sexual compatibility purely in physical terms, but the truth is, much of what makes someone “bad in bed” stems from behaviors and attitudes outside of sex. Today, we’re going to explore what those signs might look like, not just during intimacy but across your relationship.
Whether it’s communication issues, a self-centered approach, or a mindset that refuses to grow and evolve, these things can impact the quality of your connection, both emotionally and sexually. I’ll share how you can recognize these behaviors in yourself or your spouse, what you can do about them, and, most importantly, how to make the necessary changes for a more fulfilling and intimate relationship.
Now, before we go any further, let me emphasize that being “bad in bed” isn’t a label that should cause shame. Instead, it’s an opportunity to identify behaviors that may be limiting intimacy and satisfaction—and more importantly, to learn how to improve.
Let’s start by identifying some of the major signs that someone might be bad in bed. It’s important to remember that what makes someone “good” or “bad” in bed is subjective. It’s based on how well each partner communicates, connects, and understands the other person’s desires. Being “bad in bed” doesn’t necessarily mean someone is clueless; it often means that they’re unaware of how to meet their partner’s needs effectively. Here are a few signs to look out for:
Signs Someone Might Be “Bad in Bed”
1. Poor Communication in Other Areas of Life
The cornerstone of great sex is communication. And if you are having communication issues, they are probably showing up in the bedroom, but they usually start long before that. If someone struggles to communicate effectively in day-to-day life—whether avoiding tough conversations, shutting down emotionally, or being unable to express their needs—they’re likely bringing those habits into their sexual relationship as well.
For example, a partner who avoids talking about emotions or struggles to share their feelings may have difficulty opening up about what they need during sex. They might not express what feels good, what doesn’t, or what they desire, leaving their partner guessing. It’s not just about sexual communication but communication in the broader relationship.
Example for Men: A husband who avoids asking his wife what she enjoys because he assumes he already knows, or worse, because he’s afraid to hear that he’s not doing something right. He may never ask, “Do you like this?” or “Is there something else that would feel better for you?”
Example for Women: A wife who never shares what she desires because she assumes her husband should “just know” or that talking about sex is uncomfortable. She might be unhappy with their sex life but not open up about her needs, creating an unspoken gap between them.
2. Closed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset
A closed mindset can be a huge barrier in both relationships and sex. A closed mindset is the belief that things are fixed and unchangeable—someone might think, “This is just how I am,” or “If I’m not good at this now, I’ll never be.” They tend to resist change and feedback, especially when it comes to intimacy. On the other hand, a growth mindset means believing that improvement is always possible. It’s the openness to learning, trying new things, and adapting.
In a sexual relationship, someone with a closed mindset may be resistant to trying new things or exploring different ways to connect. They might feel stuck in a routine and see no reason to change it. A growth mindset, by contrast, welcomes the idea of learning from your partner, making small improvements, and working together to deepen your connection.
Example for Men with a Closed Mindset: A husband who shuts down when his wife suggests new ways to enhance their intimacy, saying, “Why change what we’ve always done? It’s fine the way it is.”
Example for Women with a Closed Mindset: A wife who dismisses her husband’s desires for exploring something new, insisting that “it’s not her thing,” without considering how it could strengthen their bond or fulfill him more fully.
3. Focusing Only on Their Own Needs (In and Out of the Bedroom)
Someone who is bad in bed often centers their own pleasure at the expense of their partner’s. But this self-centeredness usually extends beyond the bedroom. If someone consistently prioritizes their own needs—whether it’s their career, hobbies, or emotions—and neglects their partner’s, that same dynamic is likely to play out during sex.
Sexual intimacy is about mutual pleasure and connection. When one person dominates or dismisses their partner’s desires, it leads to an unbalanced, unfulfilling experience. This doesn’t just hurt the sexual relationship but can also breed resentment and disconnection in other aspects of the relationship.
Example for Men: A husband who initiates sex only when he’s in the mood, but rarely considers whether his wife is feeling connected or if she’s satisfied after. Outside of sex, he may always put his own career or personal interests first.
Example for Women: A wife who expects sex to focus on her pleasure but never takes time to ensure her husband’s needs are being met. She might also expect emotional attention and support but fail to reciprocate.
- Lack of Enthusiasm or Engagement
When one partner seems disinterested or unengaged, it can make the whole experience feel mechanical or uninspired. Great sex involves both partners being present and enthusiastic, but if someone is just going through the motions, it can create an emotional and physical disconnect.
Example for Men: A husband who is emotionally distant or doesn’t seem excited during sex. He may do just enough to make the encounter happen but isn’t fully present in the moment, leaving his partner feeling alone even in their shared experience.
Example for Women: A wife who is passive, lying there without participating or expressing any desire, leaving her husband feeling like he’s doing all the work or that she’s not enjoying herself at all.
- Ignoring Partner’s Needs or Signals
One of the most frustrating signs is when a partner ignores or doesn’t pick up on their spouse’s cues, whether verbal or non-verbal. This can be anything from not noticing when their partner is uncomfortable to outright disregarding boundaries. Great lovers pay attention to their partner’s body language and emotions and adjust accordingly.
Example for Men: A man who continues with a sexual act or position despite his wife showing discomfort or disinterest. For example, if he’s focused on oral sex when she’s clearly not into it but continues anyway because it’s what he wants.
Example for Women: A woman who doesn’t adjust when her husband is uncomfortable or uninterested in something, pushing forward with her agenda without considering his feelings or preferences.
What to Do If You Recognize These Signs in Yourself
Now that we’ve gone over some signs, what if you recognize one—or more—in yourself? The good news is that recognizing the problem is the first step to fixing it. Let’s talk about how you can make changes.
1. Work on Communication Skills
Communication in the bedroom starts with improving communication in other areas. Learning to express what you want, how you feel, and listening to your partner are essential. Start with small conversations about daily life, emotions, or even preferences, and gradually build up to more intimate discussions about your sexual connection. It’s about creating a habit of openness, honesty, and empathy.
The most important thing you can do is just start talking. Ask your partner for feedback in a non-defensive way. Use phrases like, “I want to make sure we’re both enjoying ourselves—can we talk about what’s working for you and what could be better?” Being vulnerable and open to feedback is key.
For example, if you’re a man who’s realizing you’ve been too focused on yourself, you could say, “I’ve noticed I might not always be paying attention to what you need. I want to do better—can we talk about what feels good for you?” Similarly, if you’re a woman who hasn’t been communicating your desires, you might say, “I realize I haven’t been as open about what I enjoy, and I’d like us to talk about that so we can both get more out of our intimacy.”
2. Shift to a Growth Mindset
If you’ve noticed that you’re resistant to change, it might be time to shift to a growth mindset. Instead of thinking, “I’ll never be good at this,” try embracing the idea that you can always learn and improve. Approach sex as a journey of discovery, where you and your spouse can grow together, rather than feeling stuck in old patterns. Ask for feedback, be open to exploring new ideas, and embrace the process.
- Educate Yourself
There’s always something new to learn about sex! Whether it’s understanding more about female anatomy, reading up on new techniques, or learning how to be a more attentive lover, education is your friend. Seek out books, podcasts, and other resources to expand your knowledge.
For example, if you’re a man who wants to better understand how to give your wife more pleasure, you could read books that focus on female sexual pleasure or attend workshops for couples. If you’re a woman who feels disconnected from sex, educating yourself on your own body and what turns you on can help you communicate better with your partner.
- Practice Mindfulness and Presence
One key to improving your sexual experience is being present in the moment. This means turning off your mental “to-do list,” putting away distractions, and focusing on your partner and the shared experience. Mindfulness can help you be more attuned to your partner’s needs.
This might look like slowing down and paying attention to your partner’s body language during sex. Are they enjoying this? How are they responding? Are you too focused on achieving an orgasm rather than connecting with your spouse?
It might also look like paying attention to what is happening in your own body. Sex should be a sensual experience, so focusing on your five senses is a great way to do this.
- Experiment and Explore
Sex doesn’t have to follow the same routine every time. If you’ve recognized that you or your partner are falling into a sexual rut, try new things! Experimenting together not only adds excitement but helps you both figure out what you enjoy.
Maybe there’s a new position, setting, or technique you’ve been curious about. Bring it up to your spouse and suggest trying it together. It could be as simple as extending foreplay or incorporating more touch and affection into your intimate moments.
6. Practice Selflessness
If you’ve realized you’ve been focused mostly on your own needs, begin thinking about how to prioritize your partner’s. This isn’t about ignoring your own desires but finding a balance where both of you feel valued. In the bedroom, take time to ask your spouse what they enjoy, focus on their pleasure, and be responsive to their needs. Outside of the bedroom, consider how you can support them emotionally and in their daily life.
What to Do If You Recognize These Signs in Your Spouse
Now, what if it’s your spouse who exhibits some of these signs? The key here is approaching the conversation with love, patience, and understanding. Criticizing or blaming will likely create defensiveness, which won’t lead to positive changes.
1. Choose the Right Time to Talk
Timing is crucial. The worst time to bring up sexual dissatisfaction is right after sex, when emotions may already be high. Instead, choose a neutral time when you’re both relaxed and open to talking.
Start by building a safe space for honest conversations. Encourage open discussions about both your emotional and sexual relationship without making it feel confrontational. You might say something like, “I’d love for us to talk more about what’s going well for us and where we can grow together,” to keep the focus on your shared growth, rather than pointing out their flaws.
2. Use “I” Statements
“I” statements help frame the conversation in a way that focuses on your experience rather than accusing your spouse of doing something wrong. This reduces defensiveness and fosters open dialogue.
For example, instead of saying, “You never pay attention to me in bed,” you could say, “I feel most connected to you when we’re both focused on each other during sex, and I’d love for us to explore that more.”
3. Introduce the Idea of a Growth Mindset
If your spouse is resistant to change, gently introduce the idea of growing together. You might say, “I think we have so much potential to explore new things together, and I’d love to see how that could strengthen our connection.” Framing it as a shared journey takes the pressure off and invites them to be more open.
Suggest reading a book, listening to a podcast, or even attending a workshop that focuses on improving intimacy. This shows your spouse that you’re in this together and that growth is a mutual goal.
Maybe you both read a book about improving sexual communication, or you decide to try new things like tantric practices or spending more time on foreplay. These shared experiences can strengthen your bond and help create better sexual chemistry.
- Be Patient and Supportive
If your spouse is struggling to do what you’ve discussed, remember that change takes time. Be patient, but also be encouraging. Recognize and praise the efforts they’re making, even if they’re small steps. Positive reinforcement can help your spouse feel motivated to keep improving.
For example, if your spouse tries something new or makes an effort to ask you what you like, respond with gratitude and encouragement: “I really appreciated that you checked in with me during sex—it made me feel really cared for.”
How to Make Positive Changes Together
Once you’ve identified what needs improvement, here’s how to start building a stronger connection:
1. Strengthen Emotional Intimacy
Sexual intimacy is closely tied to emotional intimacy. If you feel disconnected outside of the bedroom, it’s likely that your sex life will reflect that. Spend time reconnecting emotionally—through date nights, conversations, and shared experiences—and watch how it impacts your sexual relationship.
This might mean setting aside time to talk about your relationship, focusing on affection that isn’t necessarily sexual, or even just spending more time cuddling or touching each other during non-sexual moments.
2. Prioritize Foreplay and Connection
For many couples, foreplay is an afterthought or something to rush through on the way to “the main event.” But in reality, foreplay is a crucial part of sexual intimacy. Taking the time to engage in foreplay builds connection and helps both partners feel more satisfied.
Try making foreplay a more intentional part of your sexual experience. This could include more kissing, touching, and talking. Maybe you spend time massaging each other or simply focusing on the emotional connection before moving to physical intimacy.
3. Focus on Mutual Pleasure
Great sex is about mutual pleasure. This means making sure that both partners are satisfied, not just focusing on one person’s needs. Take the time to check in with your partner during sex—ask how they’re feeling, what they need, or what they enjoy. Being attentive to each other’s pleasure strengthens your bond and creates a more satisfying experience.
- Seek Professional Help if Needed
If you’re finding it hard to improve on your own, consider seeking professional help. As a sex and marriage coach, I can offer valuable insight and personalized guidance to help you and your spouse work through challenges. Sometimes, an outside perspective can make all the difference.
Conclusion
Being “bad in bed” is not a fixed trait—it’s something you can improve upon. By recognizing signs in yourself or your spouse, having open and honest communication, and being willing to try new things, you can transform your sex life into something fulfilling and enjoyable for both of you.
Remember, great sex isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection, communication, and mutual pleasure. And like any other aspect of a relationship, it takes effort and intentionality.
Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.
