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Connection in marriage is more than just a feeling; it’s a foundation that supports both partners through the ups and downs of life. Without regular connection, many couples feel as though they’re “living separate lives.” Many of us crave deeper intimacy but aren’t always sure how to get there or maintain it. Today, we’ll explore the importance of connection and dive into specific, actionable ways to build more closeness with your spouse across different aspects of your relationship.

Why Connection is Important

When two people come together in marriage, they often start with a deep, organic connection that feels effortless. But over time, the challenges of daily life—like work, children, and personal stressors—can erode that sense of closeness. Here’s why fostering and deepening connection regularly is so essential:

1. A strong connection helps you feel like you’re a team, ready to face challenges together. It brings a foundation of support and understanding that keeps you grounded and builds emotional resilience that helps support you through the ups and downs of your relationship. When times are hard, if you don’t have that connection, you can feel very alone and feel like you are doing everything yourself.  When you are connected, you can work together as a team.
2. Marriage can be one of the most meaningful ways to grow personally, but it requires ongoing connection. A disconnected relationship can feel stagnant, while a connected one nurtures each person’s growth.  Dr. David Schnarch talks about how we are always just a half step difference in growth from our spouse and when one partner doesn’t grow and another partner does, that gap widens and the marriage isn’t sustainable.  But when you’re connected and growing individually and together, you benefit and the marriage becomes stronger.  This life is about growth and progress in order to become more like our Savior and Heavenly Parents.  When one partner isn’t growing and progressing, that connection is a lot harder. 
3. Couples who prioritize connection tend to feel more fulfilled, joyful, and satisfied within the relationship.  When I talk to couples, most want a better connection, they just don’t know how to do it.  They let too many other things get in the way of what is most important.  We are wired for connection as humans, it is essential for a fulfilled life and relationship.

So if you are feeling disconnected from your spouse but want more connection, how do you achieve that?  Let’s talk about how we can connect in a lot of different ways.  Because connection isn’t just one thing and for a deep, fulfilling marriage, you need to address connection in a lot of different ways.

How To Connect: Ideas for Each Dimension

Physical Connection

Physical connection is one of the most basic but powerful ways to reinforce the bond between partners. Physical touch and presence release oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone,” which builds trust and closeness. And physical connection doesn’t just mean sex.  It means physical contact with each other in a lot of different but meaningful ways.

Examples:

1. Small Acts of Touch: Regular, non-sexual touch like holding hands, cuddling on the couch, or a gentle hand on the back can create physical closeness that deepens your bond.
2. Quality Time Together: Physical presence is essential. It’s hard to connect if you’re not spending time in each other’s physical space. Go for a walk, cook dinner together, or engage in a hobby.
3. Prioritizing Physical Health: When both partners prioritize health—such as exercising together or taking care of each other—it nurtures a foundation for physical closeness and attraction.

Emotional Connection

Emotional connection is about being vulnerable, open, and truly present with each other. It’s the ability to share your inner world, feeling seen, understood, and accepted by your partner. 

Examples:

1. Daily Check-ins: Try a nightly check-in where each partner shares a “high” and a “low” from their day. This helps you connect to what’s currently on each other’s hearts and minds.
2. Emotion Cards: Use emotion cards to help express feelings if you find it hard to verbalize what’s going on. Couples might sit down weekly and pull a card like “Joy,” “Fear,” or “Hurt” and discuss where they felt that emotion recently.
3. Mirroring Statements: Practice reflecting each other’s feelings. If your spouse says, “I’m stressed about work,” respond with empathy, like “It sounds like you’re carrying a lot right now. How can I support you?” This builds validation and trust.
4. Vulnerability and Sharing: Take time to share your fears, dreams, and insecurities. By allowing your spouse to see the real you, you’ll invite them to connect with you on a deeper level.
5. Active Listening: Often, we hear but don’t truly listen. Make eye contact, repeat back what they’re saying, and show empathy. Validating your partner’s feelings can deepen emotional intimacy.

Spiritual Connection

Spiritual connection is not necessarily religious, though it can be. It involves aligning on a set of shared values, beliefs, or practices that ground you as individuals and as a couple.

Examples:

1. Shared Prayer or Meditation: Starting or ending the day with a few moments of shared prayer or meditation can be calming and centering for both partners.
2. Gratitude Practice: Once a week, sit down together and list things you’re grateful for about each other. For example, “I’m grateful for how you made time for us to talk last night.”
3. Exploring Meaning Together: Have open conversations about your beliefs, hopes, and values, even if they differ. Maybe ask, “What is something that has been bringing you peace lately?” or “What do you feel is your purpose right now?”

Sexual Connection

Sexual connection is not just about the physical act but about feeling desired, respected, and understood in the intimate parts of your relationship. Healthy sexual connection strengthens the bond and builds trust, passion, and vulnerability.

Examples:

1. Sensate Focus Exercises: Instead of jumping straight into penetrative sex, spend time exploring each other’s bodies in a non-goal-oriented way. This could be a gentle massage or just lying close, focusing on the sensations rather than on “outcomes.”
2. Open Conversations About Intimacy: Schedule a time to talk about your sexual relationship. Ask each other questions like, “What’s one thing you wish we’d do more of?” or “What’s one thing that makes you feel loved during sex?”
3. Intimate Date Nights: Plan specific nights for intimacy. It doesn’t have to lead to sex but could include romantic activities like a candlelit dinner at home, watching a romantic movie while snuggled up, or dancing together in the living room.
4. Prioritize Quality over Quantity: Sexual connection doesn’t have to be about how often you’re intimate; it’s about how meaningful it feels. Focus on creating a safe, open space for exploration, touch, and closeness.

Mental Connection

A mental connection is about engaging with each other’s intellectual curiosities, sharing ideas, and challenging each other’s thinking in respectful ways. It’s a chance to keep things fresh, interesting, and mentally stimulating in the relationship.

Examples:

1. Shared Reading: Pick a book to read together, whether fiction, self-help, or an interesting nonfiction topic. Set aside time weekly to discuss thoughts and takeaways.
2. Challenge Each Other with New Knowledge: Take turns finding an article, podcast, or TED Talk to watch or read. Discuss what you found interesting or thought-provoking. This can be anything from the latest in science to something fun like travel destinations.
3. Goal Setting and Vision Boards: Spend time dreaming and planning together. Create a vision board for your shared goals and dreams, both long-term (retirement, travel, family) and short-term (fitness, career growth, etc.).
4. Share Personal Interests: Stimulating conversations can invigorate your relationship. Discuss books, articles, or ideas you’re passionate about. Explore common interests or try learning something new together.
5. Challenge Each Other’s Thinking: Respectful debates or sharing different perspectives can create excitement and strengthen mental connection. Encourage each other’s curiosity and growth.

Psychological Connection

Psychological connection involves a sense of security and mutual understanding. It’s about creating a safe space for both partners to express themselves fully without fear of judgment.

Examples:

1. Safe Space Check-ins: Once a week, hold a “safe space check-in” where each person can express something that’s on their mind without the other responding immediately. This allows for unfiltered honesty in a non-defensive environment.
2. Understanding Each Other’s Triggers: Take time to learn about each other’s sensitivities. For example, if one partner is sensitive about feeling ignored, acknowledge this and reassure them when you’re busy rather than leaving them feeling uncertain.
3. Celebrate Personal Wins: Supporting each other’s individuality is key. Celebrate each other’s accomplishments, big or small, to show your pride and excitement in your partner’s personal growth.
4. Emotional Support: Show up for each other emotionally, offering reassurance, encouragement, and validation in times of need.

When You Don’t Feel Connected

If one or both partners are feeling disconnected, it’s easy to grow resentful or to retreat inward, hoping the other will take action. Here are ways to bridge the gap:

Examples:

1. Personal Reflection: Ask yourself questions like, “What am I really needing that I don’t feel I’m getting?” or “Have I communicated my needs effectively?”
2. Take Action Instead of Waiting: It’s easy to fall into a waiting game—hoping the other person will take the lead. Instead, take initiative by planning a date, expressing your feelings, or sharing your needs.
3. Initiate Small Moments of Connection: Start with small gestures, such as leaving a loving note, making their favorite meal, or inviting them for a quick walk. These can break down barriers that may have built up.
4. Focus on the Positive: Make a habit of sharing one positive thing about your spouse each day. This can shift your focus toward gratitude and appreciation, often creating a more open environment for connection.
5. Rekindle Shared Memories: Looking back on meaningful memories together can remind you both of the connection you share and reignite a sense of closeness.

When Your Spouse Won’t Connect in the Ways You Need

It’s not uncommon for partners to have different preferred ways of connecting. When you crave connection but your spouse doesn’t connect as deeply or in the ways you desire, it can feel frustrating or isolating.

Examples:

1. Understand Their Perspective: Different people connect differently. For instance, if your spouse prefers practical, everyday support rather than deep, vulnerable conversations, acknowledge this and try to meet in the middle.
2. Discuss and Collaborate: Be open and honest about how you feel. Expressing that you want to connect more deeply can sometimes lead to a shift. Share that you miss feeling close and ask about their perspective and what they feel is missing and work together to find solutions.  
3. Practice Patience: Some people need time to warm up to change. You may not get all the connection you desire immediately, but consistent small steps toward each other can make a difference.
4. Seek Outside Support if Needed: Sometimes, enlisting a professional, such as a counselor or coach, can help each partner understand the other more clearly. A third-party perspective can bring insights that transform your relationship.

Conclusion

Deep connection is essential for a fulfilling, resilient marriage, but it takes time, understanding, and small, consistent efforts across different dimensions. The beauty of connection is that it’s never static—it can always deepen, evolve, and grow as long as both partners are committed to nurturing it. By investing time and attention in these areas, you can create a marriage that is rich in intimacy, trust, and mutual support.

Thank you for joining today’s conversation. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected.