Low desire is one of the biggest reasons women come to me for help. It’s also one of the biggest reasons why men want  their wives to come to me because they see it as a problem. Some of these women want to fix it because they truly love their husbands, find them attractive, and really miss this part of themselves.  Others see the problems that their low desire is the catalyst for.  They see their husbands discomfort.  They hate the tension that is between the two of them.  They don’t want sex but they also don’t want a divorce so they are ready to take the next step and see if they can fix this.  They are tired of their husbands’ behaviors.  They just want things to be better.  They are tired of feeling uncomfortable in their own skin and in their marriage because of the lack of desire and/or the lack of sex in their marriage.

We’ve discussed many reasons over the last 200+ episodes of why women have low desire.  But I thought it would be a good idea to discuss the top reasons why women have low desire and how to solve for them in today’s episode. There are four reasons I see the most.

1. Taking care of your husband’s “needs.”  

While this seems pretty benign at first, having sex to take care of your husband is a huge cause for low desire.  Why?  Well, there are a few reasons for this.

• If you are doing something you don’t actually want to do, just to take care of him, this can cause a myriad of problems.  Like we discussed in my episode 253 with Dr. Cami Hurst, if you are consenting to unwanted sex this can cause emotional, psychological, relational, and sexual issues.  You are self-betraying which causes problems with not only sex, but your relationship with yourself and your spouse and can actually be traumatic. So this is definitely a problem.
• We are biologically wired to not be attracted to people we take care of.  So if you are taking care of your husband’s needs, you move into the parental role instead of staying in the partner role, which shuts off desire.  It is a lot harder to be sexual when you are in the role of parent or mother rather than partner and spouse.
• When sex becomes about fulfilling a “need” then it is more about hormones and biological release than intimacy and connection.  No one wants to feel like it is their job to do something for someone.  No one wants to feel used.  And this is often how women feel when sex becomes about fulfilling a need rather than being with them as someone they love and as an individual and want to have connection and intimacy with. And really, the desire is to have connection and intimacy. Women often see that emotional connection as more important than the physical connection and men often see it as a physical connection more than an emotional one. Really, what we have to look at is both of you actually just want connection, you just have different ways of going about it and both are equally important.

To listen to more episode about fulfilling needs, please see episodes 167, 195, 210, 229

1. Body Image 

The objectification of women is so prevalent in today’s world.  It is so prevalent that many women don’t recognize how much they objectify themselves, let alone being objectified by others.  We are constantly comparing ourselves to what society says is beautiful and sexy and often feeling like we come up short.  We are so focused on our appearance and what we look like, in and out of the bedroom, that we don’t focus on our sexual desires, our wants, or even the truths our spouse is telling us.

In the bedroom we become spectators of what is happening rather than an active participant.  We are so focused on what we look like, if he likes what he is seeing, is our body positioned right, are we acting and moving in a way that is appropriate, sexy, or enticing instead of being in our bodies and experiencing what is actually happening.  

To listen to more episodes about body image, please see episodes 74 and 162.  Next week’s episode #259 will also talk about this.

1. Stress

There are many reasons why women are stressed.  And if you don’t have free time, if you don’t have the time to relax, you won’t have the space for desire. Desire needs space.

A lot of that stress comes from the inequities of the division of labor in marriage, which I discussed in Episode 226.

To listen to more episodes about stress, please see episodes 101 and 190.

1. Gender norms around initiation.

If the husband is always initiating, if he is always the driver for any sexual encounter, a woman never has the chance to explore when she wants sex and what works for her.

I talk a lot about initiation ideas and styles in Episode 169

But I also discuss creating the space for desire and cultivating it in episodes 34, 86, 98, 109, and 217  

There are a lot of episodes because that’s so important.

So what do we need to do to make us more interested in sex?

1. Stop the judgment.  This is hard because our brain was designed to judge things as a way to keep us safe.  But this doesn’t help us create more desire and actually keeps us from having it.  So we have to learn how to stop the judgment.  The judgment of ourselves, our body, our experience.  This is something that I teach my clients how to do in my coaching program.
2. Discover the sex that you actually like.  Many of my clients are surprised to discover that they actually do like sex and want sex. Many of them have a higher desire than they thought. They just don’t like or want the kind of sex they are getting or having.  So as women, we need to quit doing what your husband wants and figure out what you want.  What works for you? What turns you on? What positions do you like? What else do you like? This will give you more dopamine, which actually helps you want and desire sex more. And if you’re having sex that you actually like, you are going to desire it more.
3. Reduce stress.  Yes, life is stressful, so you need to do what you can to reduce the stress that are able to.  This might mean having some hard conversations with your spouse about division of labor or other things that are stressful for you.  One of my favorite things I do with clients in coaching is help them role-play how to have hard conversations with their spouse.  Many of us are conflict avoidant, which usually creates more stress in the long run.  We want to make things better in the long run, and I can help you learn how to do that. There are things that we are never going to be able to eliminate, but we definitely want to reduce or eliminate any stress that we can so that we have the space for desire.
4. Develop a better relationship with yourself.  This means talking to yourself nicely and learning what feels good and right for you instead of always doing what is best for others.  This is counterintuitive to many of the things we learned to do as women and often feels very selfish at first.  But when you can learn how to do this (and I teach you how in my coaching program) then it actually creates more space to love yourself and love others.  And when you have a better relationship with yourself, your ability to feel desire is more abundant.

So, we’ve talked about a lot of ways to create desire and reduce all of the things that make us not feel desire. Throughout those things, I have told you what we do in my coaching program. I would really love to have you in there. I know many of you have been reluctant in the past because of the cost, but right now, the cost of my membership is just $49 a month which is pretty doable for most budgets. 

The membership is amazing. It is life changing for the women in there and I would love to have you so when you join, there is the Embrace You video course, which is what I suggest you do first. These are 12 modules with fairly short videos – between 12 and 32 minutes long right now – that walk you through different steps of creating a better relationship with yourself, your spouse, and your sexuality. With each module, there is a workbook with worksheets that help you learn more about yourself and the way that you’re thinking and feeling. 

Then when you get stuck or you need help, you can come and get coaching on our weekly coaching calls. Whether you want to come on and get coached yourself, or whether you just want to watch others is totally up to you. You never have to be on camera. It can be as private as you want it to be. 

If you want 1 on 1 coaching with me, then you have the ability to book a 1 on 1 session with me for $99 a session, which is a much reduced rate. Normally, when I coach clients 1 on 1, it’s between $250 and $350 a session. So, $99 a session is very affordable and you usually don’t need many of those because you’re learning so much in the video course and on our weekly coaching calls.  

You also have access to all of the coaching calls and classes that I have ever done in the membership. And this really gives you the opportunity to, as you have time and energy to listen. They are available on a private podcast, so you can listen to them just like you listen to this one. You can listen in the car or when you’re cleaning or working out or whatever you want to do, as a way to keep up with the coaching mindset and learn more about yourself and the way that you’re thinking and feeling and how that creates your experience.   

I have so many clients in the membership who work through the video course and then they go back through and listen to every call I’ve ever done so they can just learn more and more and more.  And the progress they are making is incredible! I love seeing how their lives are changing.

The ones who aren’t having as much success are the ones who are not coming onto coaching calls. They’re still having some success, they’re staying in the membership, they’re maybe listening later, but they’re not coming on to coaching calls, they’re not signing up for 1 on 1 calls, and so they’re not making as much progress.  

Coaching is where we learn how to apply everything you learn on the podcast, everything that you learn in my Embrace You video course. We really learn how to apply it directly to you and to your circumstances, to your marriage, and who you are so that you can create the relationship with yourself and your spouse, and the sexual relationship that you truly want and desire. 

Now, many of you are saying, “I don’t really want a sexual relationship.” And if that’s true, then that’s totally fine. But I would love to explore with you why that is. Because as we’ve discussed here, many times we actually do want it, we just don’t want the one that we have. So we need help in changing the way that we think and believe about ourselves and our sexual relationship. And we also need help creating the marriage that we actually want. That’s hard sometimes, but that’s why you have a coach to support you every step of the way.  

It’s so fun to have my clients and see them time after time in coaching because I gain knowledge with each of them and rapport but also friendship. There are so many women in my Embrace You Elite Society that I have become such good friends with after we have done so much coaching together. 

I would absolutely love to have you in there! The Embrace You Elite Society is mainly for women, but on the one on one calls, you are welcome to bring your husband if you would like.

Men, if you would like coaching, I have my men’s program. We’re starting with small groups, so not in the membership yet. You can apply here.

I would love to have you and then if you would like to do it as a couple, I’m going to have just a few spots available for that. 

Go to my website to learn more about all of this.

Thank you so much for joining me today and we’ll see you next time! Bye bye.