Episode 76 – Default Sex Thoughts

When you think of sex, what first comes to mind?  Are you full excitement and desire? Or are you immediately in dread? Does thinking about sex make you feel anxious?  Are you annoyed?  All of these feelings are created by your default sex thoughts.  Do you like what you are thinking and feeling?  Do you like what is happening for you?  If so, then great! No need to make changes.  But if you don’t like what is going on for you, or you have a desire to see things differently, then you might need to work on those default thoughts.

Show Summary:

Wow! I am blown away at the response to the orgasm episode last week.  You guys must have been sharing like crazy with your friends.  Thank you!  Thank you for sharing this podcast.  

As I’ve been changing the direction of this podcast and my coaching I’ve really by trying to narrow in on my goals and what I want for this podcast and for my clients.

So here’s what I’ve come up with:

  • I want to help women embrace the sexual beings they were created to be.
  • I want to help them integrate their sexuality into their lives in a healthy way.
  • I want to guide them in creating an amazing marriage and sex life.
  • I want to help them remove the shame and guilt around sexuality.
  • I want to guide them in teaching their children about their sexuality and how to integrate it into their lives as youth and young adults.
  • I want to women to LOVE their sex life and LOVE themselves.

I’ve noticed as I introduce myself to people and tell them what I do, EVERYONE wants to talk about it.  It’s never “oh, nice” and they move along.  Everyone wants to talk about sex.  Yet hardly anyone does.  But when they see that I’m totally open about sex and sexuality, conversations begin.

These are conversations we SHOULD be having.  These are conversation we NEED to be having.  Too many people are sitting in the dark wondering why they feel the way the feel.  Wondering how they can make things better.  Wondering if what they want to do is “normal” or “allowed” by the church.

Our youth are given hardly any information about sex and how to integrate their sexuality into their lives at a time when they shouldn’t actually be having sex.  Most of what they are told is fear based (which is never a good place to come from) and then expected to just “know” what do once they get married.

It’s time to have more conversations.  It’s time to learn more about ourselves and how our bodies work.  It’s time to take a deep look at our beliefs about sex.  Our thoughts about sex.  What are the thoughts that we have that play on replay.  That play on default?

So that’s what we are talking about today.  Default sex thoughts.

In one day we think about 40-60,000 thoughts.  Most of them are unconscious thoughts.  A lot of them are just the default thoughts that our brain offers to us that we don’t even question.  They are automatic.  This is our brain in neutral.  

One of the things that we do in coaching is try to get more of our thoughts out of default and think thoughts on purpose.  To put our brain in drive instead of neutral.   Instead of just believing the thoughts that are brain offers to us, we make the choice of what we want to think about something.

This is being intentional with the way we live our lives.  This is being mindful.  This is how we progress and move forward.  Our brain doesn’t want to do this.  Our brain wants us to just stay in status-quo.  It likes things just the way they are.  It resists change.  That’s why this is so hard.  But it is also necessary to our progression and growth.

So what are your default thoughts about sex?  I really want you to take a look.  When you ask yourself, “What do I think of sex?” What are the answers that your brain offers to you automatically?

  • Is it a chore?
  • Is it an obligation?
  • Do you feel like you “have to”?
  • Do you feel like it’s something you “should” do?
  • Is it boring?
  • Is it dirty?
  • Is it gross?
  • Is it messy?
  • Does it make you unworthy?

or maybe your thoughts are more like

  • I’m too tired.
  • I have a headache.
  • Why does he always want it?
  • Is it time to do that again already?
  • How long can I put him off for?
  • Why does he always have to pressure me?
  • He’s so needy.

Are you thoughts centered on you and why it’s not a good idea?

  • I’m not comfortable getting naked.
  • I don’t want him to see me.
  • I don’t look like the Victoria Secret Models.
  • I don’t know why he even wants me.
  • I have too much to do.
  • I’ll mess up my hair.
  • I’ll have to shower.
  • I can’t relax when the kids are awake
  • The house is a mess

I just want you to notice the thoughts that come up for you.  These are your default thoughts.  

Sometimes we can’t pinpoint the thought exactly, but we know the feeling.  When you think about or your husband approaches you for sex, how do you feel?  Are you excited or do you feel dread?  Are you anxious? Are you annoyed? Understanding the feeling you are having can help you identify the thought that is creating that feeling.  So if you have a hard time pinpointing the thought first, hone in one the feeling and then work backward to find the thought.  Got it?

First I want you to just be aware of these thoughts.  Awareness by itself is so powerful.  Many times you don’t even have to move to a new thought to change things.  Just the awareness of what you are currently thinking and what it is creating for you is enough to automatically make changes.

But notice the thoughts and notice the feelings that are created by them.  If you are having similar thoughts to what I stated before, I’m guessing those thoughts are creating desire, arousal, connection, and intimacy.  Am I right?

Now, it’s time to question them.  Look at each one individually.  Do you like what these thoughts are creating for you?  Are they creating the sex life that you want?  Are they creating the relationship with yourself and your spouse that you want?

You can decide if you like the thoughts you are currently thinking.  Are they serving you.  Are they creating what you want in your life and in your marriage?  Maybe they are.  Maybe what you are thinking on default is exactly what you want to be thinking and creating.  But if it’s not, then you have the power to change those thoughts!

You can decide that when your brain offers you one of the default thoughts, you can choose to think something else on purpose.  Any thought you want to have is available to you.  You just need to decide.

As you’ve probably noticed, if you’ve been listening to my podcast for a while, my default thoughts about sex are pretty great.  But they weren’t always this way.  I used to think many of the thoughts that I listed before.  And for a long time, I had absolutely no desire to even change them.  But slowly, over time, I had a desire for something different.  I wanted to want sex.  Even though I didn’t yet, I wanted to love myself, my sexuality, and my sex life.  I knew that other people loved it.  So, I saw the possibility that I could love it too.  And over time, my thoughts began to change.  So now, my default sex thoughts are pretty great.  They create desire, arousal, and connection.  My thoughts create an amazing sex life with my spouse.  They create my reality.  But I’m constantly on the hunt for new thoughts that might open up things even more for me.  What new thought could I be thinking that would make things even better?

Maybe your default thought is…”our sex life is fine.”  Is that what you want?  Do you want something that is FINE?  Or do you want something that is amazing?  Do you desire to have better connection?  Better trust?  Better intimacy?  Better sex?  Because it’s totally possible.  You just have to think the thoughts that will create that for you.

Sign up for a FREE mini-session on my website and I will help you uncover those default thoughts and show you what they are creating for you.  I can also show you what is possible.

By saying yes to the sex, you are saying YES to you!

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