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So many people are unhappy and unsatisfied in their sexual relationship. They think, If my spouse would just do this one thing differently, then I’d finally be happy. If they would initiate more. If they would stop pressuring me. If they would try new things. If they would be more affectionate. If they would just change, then I could finally be sexually satisfied.

And because we believe this, we start working on them. We send them books, podcast episodes, courses, and classes. We try to subtly—or not so subtly—convince them that they should be different. Maybe we pressure, maybe we withdraw, maybe we get angry, or maybe we get passive-aggressive. But no matter what strategy we use, what usually happens?

They resist. They dig in their heels. They double down on staying exactly the way they are.

Because here’s the truth: no one likes being controlled.

And that brings us to today’s topic: your sexual locus of control—where real change actually happens.

What is Locus of Control?

Locus of control is a psychological concept that describes where we believe the control over our lives comes from. There are two main types:

1. External Locus of Control – This is when we believe that outside forces determine our experiences. We think our happiness, satisfaction, and success depend on what other people do or don’t do.
2. Internal Locus of Control – This is when we recognize that we are the ones in charge of our experiences. Our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and choices determine how we feel—not someone else’s actions.

When it comes to sex, many people—especially higher desire partners—have an external locus of control. They believe, I can’t be happy in my sexual relationship unless my spouse changes. They often feel frustrated, stuck, and powerless.

But lower desire partners experience this too. They may feel like, I’ll never feel good about sex because my spouse pressures me so much, or I can’t relax because I know they always want sex more than I do. Or No matter how much I do, they will always want more.

Both partners can feel trapped in an external locus of control—where their experience is dictated by what the other person does or doesn’t do. But when you shift to an internal locus of control, everything changes. You start to ask, What can I do? How do I want to show up in this relationship? What kind of sexual partner do I want to be?

That shift is so empowering.

Why an Internal Locus of Control is Powerful

When you realize that you are in charge of your own experience, you gain freedom. You’re no longer waiting for your partner to “fix” things before you can feel happy and fulfilled. You can start creating that happiness right now.

For the higher desire partner, this means no longer feeling like a victim of rejection. Instead of thinking, My spouse never wants me, you recognize that your sexual energy, confidence, and self-worth don’t have to depend on how often your partner says yes. You can create a fulfilling experience for yourself by focusing on your own mindset, communication, and personal growth.

For the lower desire partner, this means reclaiming control over your own experience instead of feeling pressured. Instead of thinking, I just have to give in or my spouse will be upset, you start to see that you have choices. You can engage from a place of genuine desire, set boundaries with confidence, and take responsibility for understanding your own sexuality—on your own terms.

When you take back control of your own experience, you stop feeling stuck, resentful, or powerless. Instead, you become intentional about who you want to be in your sexual relationship. You can feel that sense of freedom that is so important to a good sexual experience and relationship.

That’s exactly what Dr. David Schnarch’s crucible concept is all about.

The Crucible Concept: Growing Yourself Up

Dr. David Schnarch, a renowned psychologist and sex therapist, talks about the crucible of marriage—the idea that the challenges we face in our relationship are opportunities to refine ourselves.

A crucible is a container used for melting down and purifying metal. Under extreme heat, the impurities rise to the surface, and what’s left is something stronger, more resilient, more valuable.

Marriage—and particularly your sexual relationship—works the same way. It forces you to confront yourself. Your insecurities. Your need for validation. Your expectations. Your fears.

For the higher desire partner, the crucible often looks like sitting with the discomfort of wanting more connection than your spouse does. It’s learning how to manage that longing in a way that is respectful and confident rather than needy or demanding. It’s learning that your spouse’s desire level doesn’t determine your worth.

For the lower desire partner, the crucible often looks like facing the fear of being consumed by your spouse’s needs. It’s about learning to engage in sex from a place of empowerment rather than obligation. It’s about understanding your own desires instead of just reacting to your spouse’s.

Schnarch teaches that true power in relationships comes from self-confrontation, not control over someone else. It’s through growing yourself up—emotionally, mentally, sexually—that you become stronger and more capable of navigating challenges.

When you stop trying to change your spouse and start focusing on your own growth, a few things happen:

1. You become more solid in who you are. You don’t need your spouse to validate you or give you permission to feel good about yourself.
2. You stop feeling like a victim. You realize you have options, and you can create a meaningful, fulfilling sexual relationship regardless of your partner’s choices.
3. Your partner actually has room to change. When you stop pushing, they stop resisting. They might just start evolving on their own, because the pressure is gone.

The irony is, the very thing we try to force through control—change in our spouse—often happens naturally when we let go and work on ourselves instead.

How to Shift Your Sexual Locus of Control

So how do you make this shift?

1. Identify where you have an external locus of control. Ask yourself: What do I believe needs to change in my spouse for me to be happy? Be honest. Write it down.
2. Ask yourself what you can control instead. How do you want to show up? What can you do to create a more fulfilling sexual relationship?
3. Stop trying to control or pressure your spouse. Drop the books, the courses, the frustrated sighs. Focus on yourself.
4. Lean into discomfort. If your spouse’s choices make you feel insecure, rejected, or unwanted, sit with those feelings. What do they say about you? What do you need to work through?
5. Take ownership of your experience.

• If you’re the higher desire partner, find ways to cultivate your own erotic energy and confidence without relying on your spouse to validate it.
• If you’re the lower desire partner, take responsibility for your own sexual growth—not for your spouse, but for you. Learn what works for your body. Discover what actually brings you pleasure.

Because at the end of the day, that’s where real power is.

Final Thoughts

Your sexual satisfaction does not depend on whether your partner changes. It depends on you.

When you stop trying to control your spouse and start focusing on your own growth, everything shifts. You gain power. You gain freedom. You gain confidence.

And as you change, your relationship naturally transforms.

Because your sexual locus of control is within you. And that’s exactly where it’s meant to be.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.