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Today, I want to explore a question many of us have asked our spouse at one point or another: “Do you love me?” It seems like a simple and even natural question to ask, especially in moments of vulnerability. But in my work with couples, I’ve found that this question often leads us down a path of blame, frustration, and unmet expectations. It can be a trap—one that keeps us focused on the wrong things.

Why “Do You Love Me?” is the Wrong Question

When we ask our spouse, “Do you love me?” what we’re often really saying is, “I don’t feel loved by you right now.” And that feeling is valid. We all want to feel loved and valued by our partner. But this question places the focus entirely on our spouse and what they are—or aren’t—doing. It puts the responsibility for our feelings squarely on their shoulders. And this is where things can start to go wrong.

In coaching sessions, I frequently hear complaints like:

• “They aren’t speaking my love language.”
• “They aren’t loving me in the ways I want and need to be loved.”
• “Their lack of desire—especially sexual desire—shows that they don’t love me.”

These types of thoughts often stem from unmet expectations and assumptions about what love “should” look like. For example, if your love language is words of affirmation, but your spouse is more of an acts-of-service person, you might feel unloved simply because they’re showing love in a way you don’t easily recognize. Or, if you’re craving physical intimacy and your spouse seems disinterested, it’s easy to interpret that as rejection—even if their behavior is rooted in stress or fatigue rather than a lack of love.

When we focus so much on how we are or aren’t being loved, we’re missing the bigger picture. The real question we should be asking is, “Am I loving them well?”

Love Becomes Transactional When We Focus on Being Loved Instead of Loving

When our primary focus is on being loved rather than loving, our relationship can easily become transactional. Instead of love being something freely given, it turns into a kind of exchange where we subconsciously keep score.

• “I did this for you, so why aren’t you doing this for me?”
• “If you asked me for something, I would do it, even if I didn’t want to, because I love you.”
• “I said ‘I love you,’ but you didn’t say it back.”
• “I initiated sex, but you turned me down, so you must not care about me.”

This scorekeeping creates resentment and a sense of conditional love—where love is only given or received based on whether certain expectations are met. When love becomes transactional, it loses its depth. Instead of fostering true emotional intimacy, it becomes about meeting quotas and avoiding disappointment. But true love is not about measuring what we get in return. It’s about giving because we want to, because we choose to, and because it aligns with the kind of person we want to be.

Shifting the Focus to Loving Well

Why are we so fixated on being loved instead of loving? Perhaps it’s because love, to us, often feels like a need—something we can’t live without. And while it’s true that love is essential to human connection, we sometimes confuse it with validation. We’re seeking proof that we are good enough, worthy enough, important enough.

This fixation can create a vicious cycle. The more we seek validation from our spouse, the more pressure we put on them to meet our needs in very specific ways. And when they inevitably fall short—because no one can meet all of our needs all the time—we feel disappointed and unloved. It’s a recipe for resentment.

But here’s the thing: The commandment that God gave us is not to ensure we are being loved. The commandment is to love others.

Think about it. We have no control over whether our spouse loves us. None. But we do have control over ourselves and how we show up in our relationship. We can control whether we are loving them well.

What Does it Mean to Love Someone Well?

Loving someone well means stepping outside of our own needs and insecurities and focusing on how we can show up as the best version of ourselves in the relationship. It means:

• Understanding their needs and desires and being willing to meet them, even if they don’t align perfectly with our own. For example, if your spouse values quality time but you’re more task-oriented, loving them well might mean setting aside your to-do list to spend uninterrupted time together.
• Being kind and patient, even when it’s hard. Let’s say your spouse is going through a difficult season at work and seems distant or irritable. Loving them well might mean offering support and understanding rather than taking their behavior personally.
• Respecting their individuality and allowing them to be who they are, not who we think they should be. Maybe your spouse isn’t naturally expressive with their emotions, and you wish they’d open up more. Loving them well means accepting them as they are while encouraging growth without pressure.
• Giving without keeping score—offering love freely without expecting a specific return. For instance, cooking dinner for your spouse because you know they’ve had a long day, without expecting praise or reciprocation, is an act of loving well.

It also means validating ourselves. If we are looking to our spouse to make us feel loved and worthy, we’re placing an impossible burden on them. Instead, we need to ask ourselves:

• Am I acting in ways that align with my own values?
• Am I proud of how I am showing up in this relationship?
• Am I loving in a way that feels authentic to me?

When we validate ourselves, we free our spouse from the responsibility of “proving” their love to us. This creates space for a deeper, more genuine connection.

How to Change Your Perspective

If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of focusing on what your spouse isn’t doing, it’s time to shift your perspective. Here’s how:

1. Pause and Reflect: When you start to feel unloved or unappreciated, pause and ask yourself, “Am I loving them well?” This isn’t about blaming yourself but about taking ownership of your actions. For example, instead of dwelling on the fact that your spouse didn’t compliment your new outfit, consider whether you’ve been expressing appreciation for them lately.
2. Identify Your Expectations: Are you expecting your spouse to meet needs that you could be meeting for yourself? For example, if you’re craving words of affirmation, could you start by affirming yourself? Or, if you’re feeling lonely, could you reach out to a friend or family member for connection?
3. Focus on Giving: Instead of keeping a mental tally of what your spouse is or isn’t doing, focus on how you can give love freely. Acts of service, kind words, physical touch—whatever feels meaningful to you and to them. For instance, if your spouse has been stressed, leaving a thoughtful note in their lunch bag or sending an encouraging text can brighten their day.
4. Communicate Clearly: Loving well doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. It’s okay to express what you need from your spouse, but do so in a way that invites collaboration rather than blame. For example, “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately. Can we spend some time together this weekend?” is much more productive than “You never make time for me.”
5. Validate Yourself: Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and connection, regardless of how your spouse is showing up in the moment. This might mean journaling about your strengths, practicing daily affirmations, or simply taking time to acknowledge the efforts you’re making in the relationship.

What If You’re Not Loving Well?

If you realize you haven’t been loving your spouse well, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, see it as an opportunity for growth. Here are some steps to get back on track:

1. Acknowledge It: Take responsibility for your actions without falling into shame. For example, “I’ve noticed I’ve been really focused on what I’m not getting, and I want to work on that.”
2. Apologize if Necessary: If your actions have hurt your spouse, offer a sincere apology. Let them know you’re committed to making changes. For instance, “I’m sorry if I’ve made it easy for you to feel like you’re not enough. I want to do better.”
3. Start Small: Loving well doesn’t have to be grand or complicated. Start with small, intentional acts that show you care. Maybe it’s making their favorite drink in the morning or asking about their day and really listening to the answer.
4. Practice Gratitude: Focus on what your spouse is doing right. Gratitude shifts your mindset and helps you appreciate the love that is already present in your relationship. For example, instead of fixating on the fact that they didn’t do the dishes, notice that they made the effort to fix something around the house.
5. Seek Growth Together: Invite your spouse into the process. Share your desire to love them better and ask how you can support them in feeling loved as well. For example, “I want to make sure I’m showing you love in ways that matter to you. What’s something I could do this week that would make you feel cared for?”

The Benefits of Loving Well

When we shift our focus from “Do you love me?” to “Am I loving them well?” we not only improve our relationship but also grow as individuals. Loving well fosters trust, connection, and intimacy. It creates an environment where both partners feel safe to give and receive love freely.

And perhaps most importantly, it aligns us with who we want to be. When we act in ways that we respect, we build self-confidence and inner peace. We become the kind of partner we’d want to be married to.

Imagine a relationship where both partners are focused on loving well instead of keeping score. The dynamic shifts from one of scarcity and insecurity to one of abundance and mutual respect. And in that space, love flourishes.

So the next time you’re tempted to ask, “Do you love me?” pause. Instead, ask yourself, “Am I loving them well?” It’s a small shift, but it has the power to transform your relationship—and your life.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.