Chances are, your sex life isn’t what you thought it would be. Whether it’s not as pleasurable, you just can’t seem to find the desire, or you and your spouse just don’t see eye to eye, it’s time to start figuring it out. Find out how you can make sex better for you on this week’s episode.
Is your sex life what you expected it to be? If you are like most people, it probably isn’t.
In my faith, we are taught that we shouldn’t have sex before marriage. Sex is kind of a taboo topic, except for if you are being cautioned against having it or doing anything that might lead to it. It’s just not talked about. And when it was talked about it, it was more along the lines of keeping yourself pure so that a righteous young man will want you. We are told it’s this beautiful thing, but really we have no idea why or how. So when it came to knowing what to expect…well, most of us had no idea.
And then you have your wedding night, and most likely your brand new husband knew more about how his body functioned than you understood yours. In the way our culture speaks about sex it like our sexuality as women is totally off limits and then it will somehow be awoken on our wedding night. Where Intercourse is the pinnacle act and most likely, if you were able to achieve intercourse on your wedding night or even your honeymoon it really wasn’t what you thought it would be and you were left thinking….that’s it? That’s what I was waiting for? And it’s kind of gone downhill from there…. Sound familiar?
We’ve been conditioned by the media to think that sex should be hot, passionate, can’t keep your hands off of each other. We see women throwing themselves at men and seeking validation based on their bodies and if they are found attractive enough to sleep with. It’s so messed up.
So, if you grew up like me, sex probably wasn’t what you thought it would be. And if you are like most of my friends and clients, sex still isn’t that great.
What I see most is wives “giving in” just to satisfy their husbands constant nagging and stave off his advances for a least a little while. Women are “touched out” and tired from taking care of kids all day and the last thing they want is to have to give something or do something for someone else. Are you with me?
So, today I want to talk about how you can make your sex life better. For you! I highly recommend you listen to Episode 34 on Cultivating Connection & Desire as well as Episode 47 on the Higher Desire Partner as well.
Understanding Your Body
The first thing to improving how you feel about sex is to understand your body. This is one of the things I work on with a lot of my clients who are struggling with sex. A lot of women don’t know what turns them on. What feels good to them. What it takes for them to have an orgasm.
A lot of them don’t think sex is important FOR them….but I’m telling you, it is!
We were created as sexual beings. Our heavenly parents are sexual beings. As women our bodies were created not just for function but also for pleasure.
Let’s talk about just anatomy for a minute here.
The penis is multi-functional. It is not only the male’s sex organ but is also used for urination. The penis has about 4,000 nerve endings.
The clitoris, the female sex organ, on the other hand has no other function than pleasure. It has 8,000 nerve endings, double that of the penis. Why would our Heavenly Parents give us a clitoris unless they wanted us to experience pleasure? I don’t think they would.
We are taught that intercourse is the pivotal act in sex and it’s portrayed in movies and TV like both parties achieving orgasm at the same time is what is the “norm” and supposed to happen. Let dispel that myth right now.
Did you know that about 70% of women can’t orgasm with just intercourse? 70%!
Most women need at least some clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Almost all women can have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation alone. BUT, it may take a while, which is why a lot of women don’t think they can orgasm. Men can usually orgasm in 3 to 5 minutes. Women typically take 4 times longer than that! But it can take even longer….so if yours takes a long time, you are normal. Don’t give up!
This is where your thoughts come into play. So many women have thoughts like
- This is taking too long
- It’s not coming
- I should have orgasmed by now
- He’s probably bored
These kinds of thoughts KILL your sex drive. They turn you OFF! It’s really important to stay PRESENT in the moment. To think thoughts that create loving feelings towards yourself and your spouse and think thoughts of enjoyment. Think thoughts that create positive feelings towards yourself and your body. The orgasm is so worth it!
A clitoral orgasm can bring about anywhere between three and 16 contractions and can last from 10 to 30 seconds. But that doesn’t exclude the fact that many women have multiple orgasms. Some sex educators have compared and contrasted male and female orgasm and have concluded that even the most average clitoral orgasm lasts longer than even the best ever most fantastic male orgasm. Sorry guys!
Did you know that the word “Clitoris” is from the Greek work for “key”? Interesting, right?
I would encourage you to figure out for yourself what turns you on and how you like to be touched. If this is uncomfortable for you I would encourage you to START by even just touching yourself lightly on your arm, or on your stomach, on your neck. What makes your hair stand up. What makes you feel tingly inside. You can then move to touching your breasts, your vulva, you’re vagina, your clitoris. You are just exploring your body so that you understand it better. If this is uncomfortable for you to do alone, you can definitely have your husband there if you want to. You may want to try a vibrator or another toy. Maybe a new position. But I personally don’t believe there is anything wrong with figuring out what works best for you so that you can have a better sexual relationship with your spouse.
There is data that says 10-15% of women never climax under any circumstances. I understand that this can be very disheartening. But, I want you to know that sex can be very satisfying without an orgasm. An orgasm isn’t the end all. And if you are in that 10-15%, you can still have an amazing intimate relationship with your spouse. But if you are thinking thoughts like you are broken or sex can’t ever be good without an orgasm, you are missing out on a key component to sex. It’s intimacy with the one you love the most. It’s connecting in a way that you can’t with anyone else. While orgasms are great, the best thing about sex is expressing the love you have for your spouse in that way. There’s nothing else like it.
Sex is a Skill
The second thing I want you to know is that sex is a skill. It takes practice! It takes a lot of practice to get better at it. So you have to do it a lot to get better at it. You have to be willing to try new things to see if they work for you.
Again…we get so much bad data from TV and movies and how sex is supposed to be. You need to figure out what works best for you.
Maybe it’s hot and passionate. Maybe it’s soft and tender.
And…your spouse may like it one way and you may like it another way. So you need to communicate and be willing to be flexible so that both partners have their needs met.
I have one clients who likes things a little bit more rough and dirty. Her spouse likes things quiet and tender. Her spouse isn’t comfortable doing things she likes, so she just plays out those scenarios in her head and that is enough to get her turned on. Whatever works for you, is fine! It’s no one else’s business.
A lot of people wonder if certain things are “right” or “wrong” to do in the bedroom. I think a good rule of thumb is, as long as you aren’t bringing in a 3rd party and you aren’t degrading each other anything that you are both comfortable with is fine.
If one person wants something and the other doesn’t, then it’s a NO. It can be helpful to make a list of things that you are comfortable with, you aren’t comfortable with, and things you are willing to try. Each partner make their own list and where it matches up with either a yes or a “worth trying” then do it!
And when I say sex is a skill…don’t put a time limit on how long it takes you to become good at it. It’s a skill that you are constantly working and perfecting over a lifetime. Don’t think “we’ve been married for 10 years so we should be good at it by now.” No! Keep working at it and you’ll find things you want to try and get better at.
Let’s talk about frequency. There is usually a discrepancy between partners about how often you want sex. As we discussed in Episode 47, there is always a higher desire partner and a lower desire partner. So frequency will probably take some compromise. One partner might be expect it multiple times a day and the other partner might have very little desire for it. Maybe you expected to want it more frequently but you find that you don’t. Drop the expectations. There is no “right” or “wrong” to how many times.
It’s important to recognize the other person’s desires and work together to find something that both can live with. Drop the “shoulds” on how much you should be having sex.
In a 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the average adult has sex about 54 times a year, so about once a week. Researchers writing in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that couples who have sex at least once a week are happier in their relationship than those that get it less often. So, I would say, shoot for once a week. If you are having it more often than that, GREAT!
As always, communication is key. Especially when it comes to sex, communication takes vulnerability. It takes opening up to our partner and exposing very intimate parts of ourselves. This takes trust and willingness to the possibility of not getting what we want. But when we are willing to be open and vulnerable and communicate our wants and needs, it increases the intimacy between us and the sex gets so much better!
Brent Barlow, and LDS Professor said “sometimes [couples] assume that their intimate relationship should just “naturally” work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong. This is simply not true. While these intimacies, because of their sacred nature, should not be discussed with friends or other relatives, it is totally appropriate to discuss them with a marriage partner.”
Give and Take
Sex is all about give and take. We are giving ourselves over to our spouse and also taking from them. We need to work to see things from their perspective and not just dismiss their wants and desires but truly consider them as we want ours to be considered.
I think so many times as women we think sex is all about giving. Another person that takes from us and we have to give ourselves to. But if we can change that thought to one where our partner is giving to us and we are taking, where sex can be FOR us, not just for HIM, it can completely change how we think and feel about it.
Most men that I know of just want to please their wives. And most women are much more willing to please their husbands if they know that they aren’t just a quickie but time is taken to make sure they are satisfied as well. But it takes us KNOWING what we want, what works for us, and being willing to communicate that.
Sex is the best expression of an amazing feeling of love.
Remember…out of all the emotions you can choose to feel, love is always an option.