I get a lot of questions concerning sex toys. What ones are best, are they appropriate, what materials should I be looking for. . and so much more. Tune in and I will give you a basic beginning course on all of this- as well as how using them in your marriage can add an element of novelty, playfulness, and eroticism to your sexual experience.
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I get a lot of questions about sex toys, so I thought I would do an episode on it to help you get more familiar with the different types of basic toys that are out there and can add an element of novelty, playfulness, and eroticism to your sexual experience.
In episode 121 I talked about the history and invention of the vibrator, which many of you found fascinating. So if you haven’t listened to that episode, you may want to back and check it out.
Many people wonder if using sex toys is ok and appropriate. And the answer is of course it is as long as it brings the two of you closer together. Using toys isn’t weird or something on the fringe of society. It’s very common for couples to use some sort of toy in the bedroom to enhance their sexual play. About 60% of women have a vibrator. Now, I’m not going to get into toys for BDSM, which stands for bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. I’m going to keep this at a 101, introductory-level talking about products that everyone can benefit from.
You might be hesitant or unsure about wanting to use sex toys or think that you don’t need them. And it’s ok if you do or you don’t. But sex toys can help increase desire and arousal, they can help you get to know your body better, they can help you orgasm better and fast. They can also help with sexual dysfunction.
One of the biggest pushbacks I hear from couples (and really, it’s mostly men) is “will it replace me?” And the answer to that is of course, no! Nothing can replace a real human and the connection and intimacy you get. It can just be a tool to help you connect even more. For example, if you have a woman who needs a vibrator to orgasm (or to make it happen faster) she most likely still wants her husband there touching her and participating in that experience with her. The vibrator isn’t going to replace her need for intimacy and connection with him.
Another myth I often hear is that if you use a vibrator that you will become desensitized and you will only be able to have an orgasm with the sex toy and not your partner. And that isn’t true either. When you are using a vibrator on yourself you can figure out exactly what you need to orgasm. Where it feels best. What motions you need. What speed you need. That’s a lot harder for a person to replicate. But it isn’t impossible. It just takes a lot more work, more communication, and more time. And we do get used to doing things faster and easier with a toy, but that doesn’t mean that with some time and work it isn’t possible with a partner. To avoid this, I suggest switching things up often. Different toys. Going back and forth between a toy and your partner. But the same thing happens with your partner without a toy. If you get used to doing things one way and get good at it, when you try something different it takes a lot more time and work. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
Sex toys can be made out of lots of different materials
Look for material quality and make sure it’s body-safe.
It’s important to read the instructions for your toy before using it. Each toy is a little bit different. You’ll want to make sure and wash the toy before you use it for the first time and clean them often. Some are great with soap and water. Some you can put in the dishwasher. There are also specific sex toy cleaners you can get. Also, check the instructions for storage.
Let’s talk about all the different types of basic sex toys. First, we will talk about toys for women.
There are a lot of different types of vibrators and they’ve come along way over the years. There are ones that you have to plug in. Battery-powered. And now rechargeable through a USB cord. Sometimes they have buttons on them to control the vibration and there are now some that can be controlled with a remote control or an app. They are made out of lots of different types of materials and can be used all over the body, not just for sexual stimulation. Some are meant for internal stimulation. Some are external only.
Dildo Style – this is a style of vibrator that often looks like a penis. It can be used internally and externally.
Rabbit or Dual Stimulators – these are meant for both internal and external use at the same time.
Clitoral Stimulator – there is a huge variety here, but these vibrators are meant for external use only.
There are many variations on all of these different types. You’ll hear bullets, wands, g-spot stimulators, air pulse clitoral stimulators, etc. Each vibrator will vary when it comes to settings, intensity levels, and different types of vibrations. Just because a vibrator is expensive, doesn’t mean it’s good. I’ve paid $30 for an amazing one and over $200 for one that isn’t that great. Unfortunately, they aren’t something you can send back unless the company has a return policy where they don’t resell it. Because…ew, that would be gross.
- Increase sexual desire
- Introduce novelty and newness
- Increase arousal
- Decrease pain by increasing arousal and lubrication
- They help teach you new skills in how you personally experience pleasure and how your body works
- Explore different types of stimulation.
- You can use it on your own or with a partner.
- Genital pain can be reduced because of lubrication and build muscle tone in the pelvic floor.
Men can use vibrators too. You can use vibrators on the penis for a different stimulation, on the testicles, and the perineum, the space between the testicles and anus, can be really pleasurable.
Kegel exercisers are little weights that look like eggs or balls. They are specifically for women looking to strengthen those Kegel muscles. You insert them into the vaginal cavity and the weights help the muscles contract and strengthen them. But, they can also be very pleasurable. Some have a string to help you pull them out. Some are big and then others are small enough that you can have your partner penetrate while they are inside so both partners get pleasure from them.
Doing Kegel exercises can help strengthen the Kegel muscles so that you can have stronger orgasms. They also can help women who have painful intercourse. The Kegel balls might be kind of fun to put inside while you are on a date. They’ll help get you pretty stimulated so that when you get home, you are ready to go!
If you are experiencing vaginal pain with penetration, go see a pelvic floor physical therapist before doing these exercises because it could be you are already so tight and you don’t want to be tightening things up any more! If you use these and there is pain, stop. And don’t use these too much or the muscles in the pelvic floor will become tired and not be able to do their regular functions.
A masturbator is a sleeve type of toy that you insert over your penis that often mimics a vagina or has different textures or sensations. Some are battery-powered and vibrate, or have sucking or pulsing motions. Some are manually powered.
Masturbators can increase novelty and stimulation as well as enhance orgasms. Masturbators are a great training device in helping men desensitize a little bit to help with premature ejaculation.
You’ll often hear different terms other than masturbator, maybe like a sleeve, or Tenga egg.
A penis or cock ring is a ring that can be placed on the penis one you have an erection. Some are made to help keep the blood in the penis and allow it to stay erect. They can be made of lots of different types of materials. Some have a vibration that can be pleasurable both to the man wearing it and it can stimulate the woman’s clitoris as well.
Penis rings can help men not only feel good but help them keep their erection longer, especially if they are having trouble. It can also help with premature ejaculation. Do not use a penis ring for longer than 30 minutes at a time.
The last type of toy I want to talk about today is toys for anal penetration. For anal penetration, don’t use anything that doesn’t have a base. Otherwise, it can get sucked up into the rectum. If you have toys for the anus, it needs to be for an individual – don’t use one toy for both partners. Also, those toys shouldn’t go from the anus to the vagina. You can find anal plugs, vibrators, beads, dildos. Lots of different toys to help with anal play.
Toys are really about giving a couple more options. More fun. More novelty. They can be great tools to use when issues come up – injury, sickness, pregnancy, as well as just aging in general. You can continue to have pleasure when things come up, with the help of toys along with the human connection.
With all of these toys, make sure you are using a good lube. Many toys will recommend which types of lubes to use with them in the instructions. For example, with a silicone manual masturbator, you don’t want to use a silicone lube because it can change the texture of the toy. You can learn more about lube in episode 96.
If you are looking for good places to buy, some recommended sites are Adamandeve.com, Bettersex.com, but I’ve had great luck with Amazon. Some great brands I like are lelo.com and wevibe.com. You can find some of my favorites by going to the resources page on my website AmandaLouder.com/resources.