Episode 161 – Taking Sex from Good to Great


How can you go from good sex to great sex? I get so many messages from all of you who have listened to the podcast saying how much it has helped you. This is definitely my calling in life so I love hearing that! But as I work with more and more clients in a group coaching setting, I am realizing that the personalized help you get through group coaching can help your sex life even more! In this episode, I want to share with you an experience one of my clients had in a coaching setting. Can you go from good sex to great sex? Yes! If the podcast has made things good, imagine how much better group coaching would make it!


Show Notes:

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Show Summary:

I get emails, DMs, and reviews from so many of you who have listened to the podcast and it has changed your sex lives for the better.  And you have no idea how happy this makes me.  I truly feel that it is my calling and my purpose to help people in their personal and spiritual development so that they can have better marriages and a better sexual relationship with their spouse.  

But, after working with one of my group coaching clients in a private session, I became even more aware how important personalized help is through coaching. How much personalized coaching can improve your sex life.

With her permission, I am going to share part of our coaching session with you.


Amanda: What do you want to talk about today?

Client: The first thing that I wanted to talk about is before we started coaching, I had a lot of guilt from past mistakes I had made. Before I was married, I made mistakes. And at the time, I knew that they were mistakes. But my ignorance around sex before I was married made me not realize how extensive the mistakes were. 

Way before I was married, I had talked to my bishop and done all that process, but then after I got married and I realized that sex was more than just intercourse, I felt guilt because I wondered if I actually had repented of the things I did. 

I have had a lot of guilt on this so I did a thought download on this the second or third week of coaching. It helped a lot. Let me just share it with you.

Circumstance: I made mistakes in my past and I know and understand more now.

Thought: I didn’t know how bad it was.

Feeling: Guilt

Action: I beat myself up a lot about it. I had a hard time letting go in sex because when something would remind me of a mistake I’ve made, I would totally shut down. It made me feel so guilty that I couldn’t enjoy it.

Result: I put, I am drained, but I don’t think that was the right result.

Amanda: That’s ok.

Client: Still learning. 

Intentional model: I made mistakes and know and understand more now.

Thought: I repented of my mistakes even though I did necessarily know as much as I do now.

I feel peaceful and when I let go of those guilty feelings, I become my best self.

Result: I know I am a better person because I know I have repented of my mistakes.

And that was a huge turning point for me. Doing that. It relieved me of a lot of that guilt. I’ve been feeling day and night different from that. But every once in a while, those feelings start to sneak back into my mind and I don’t know how to keep them at bay. 

I don’t know how to make sure I don’t keep falling back into feeling guilty about those same things. Does that make sense?

Amanda: Yeah. But what’s happening is really normal. Just because you’ve come to this realization and you’ve made this more intentional model, and this is what you want, doesn’t mean your brain’s not going to still bring it up.

So you say, Oh my brain is bringing this up again. That’s so curious. I wonder why. But I know what I want to do with this. I know how I feel now. So I don’t need to worry about that.

Your brain for some reason thinks it’s important when it really isn’t. 

Client: Ok

Amanda: But I also want you to question whether it was actually a mistake or not. 

Client: That’s a good question.

Amanda: What if there’s nothing to feel guilty about?

Client:  That would definitely change how I think about it. I’ve just always felt like it was such a mistake and such a burden I’ve carried for so long. 

I’m going to get emotional. I wasn’t prepared for that.

Amanda: What if there’s nothing to forgive?

Client: I’ve never thought of it that way. I don’t know how to not think about it that way.

Amanda: Yes, we’re given certain guidelines and maybe you did know that it was wrong, but at that time you’re also learning. You didn’t understand everything. You really were doing the best you could in that moment. And it was a learning process for you. You wouldn’t make the same mistake again. But what if we can just look at it as a learning process rather than a mistake. 

And that is so much about what repentance and the atonement are about. It’s not about making you feel bad constantly for the things you did as a human being. It’s a learning process for all of us. But what’s important is that you learned and changed. And that’s truly what repentance is. It’s a turning of our heart towards the Savior and away from things that take us away from Him. I don’t think those are mistakes. I think that’s life. I think that’s part of our process. That part of being human and it’s part of becoming more like our Savior. And more like our Heavenly Parents. 

How much more understanding are you going to be of others because of what you’ve been through yourself? How much more compassion and grace can you give others because of this?

Client: Yeah, it’s true. After going through those experiences and being humbled by them, I went through a lot of spiritual growth after that. I gained a much stronger testimony. 

Thank you. I didn’t realize how much I needed that. 

Amanda: When those things come up, and they will, remember to give yourself that same grace and compassion that you would give others. It’s ok. 

Client: I think that definitely changes how I look at it. It has changed how I would react if my daughter came to me with this. Or anything really. 

Amanda: Your Heavenly Parents and your Savior love you so much. And they know that it’s hard. And they know that there are ‘mistakes’ along the way. But I don’t really think they’re mistakes. I think that they’re there to help you grow and become who you’re supposed to be and more like Them. And, really, that is what coaching has taught me to do. 

Client: I’m so glad. I was debating whether to even bring up my guilt from my past mistakes because I feel like I have made such good progress. It’s so funny how this simple thought download tool helped me let go of this guilt that I’ve been struggling with for years. I went to therapy for this! And it didn’t do anything. But that in 10 minutes did!

Amanda: Right? And that shift alone is a big deal, but then we shift again and it totally changes again.

Client: It does. It’s totally different. And it helps me not only with myself but to have more compassion as a mom and as a wife. My husband didn’t come perfect, I mean, he’s wonderful but he has his own learning experiences.

Thank you. That was really good.

Amanda: You’re welcome.


What you didn’t hear in this session, is that the guilt she had been feeling about past experiences, even though she had repented, and even though she had worked on a new way of thinking that made her feel better, was still coming up for her during sex.  It would stop her from being present with her husband.  Stop her from having a great sexual experience with him.  But with this shift, from our session together, that was no longer happening.  She was able to stay present with him.  That it created a deeper sense of love and trust for herself and a deeper connection with her spouse.  She wasn’t distracted and was more in tune with her body and what was happening instead of the guilt that was taking her away from that.

This is just one of many experiences where personalized help and support through coaching has completely changed my clients experiences, even if they were already good.  Let me share with you some others.

Many clients come to me because they feel like sex is just for their husband.  Sure, they may get some pleasure and enjoyment out of it (or there are many who don’t even get that) but sex is really for him.  But through coaching, when they understand their own value and worth, that they are deserving of pleasure and a great experience for themselves, they are willing to express their own needs and desires for the first time.  To take control of their sexuality and ask for what they want and need.  To make the experience about them.  Allow themselves to be taken care of in this way, instead of just taking care of their husband.  The experience becomes female focused, which often feels uncomfortable and strange at first, but with some coaching they step into their sexual power and step into the woman, the sexual being, they were created to be.  No more taking a back seat to him.  They are in the driver’s seat.  And both parties are more satisfied.

Many of you have made great strides in your relationships, in your personal development, and in your sex lives just by listening to this podcast.  And I am so proud of that.  But with personalized coaching, we can take all of that to the next level.  Think about how much things have improved already.  What else is possible?

In this session, my client went from things being a little bit better with her new model.  But with additional coaching, she was able to make things even better.  And the shift happens not only in her sexual relationship, but then expands out to everything else in her life.

So how do we take our sex lives from good to great? By finally seeing ourselves from a different perspective.  To be able to have an outside perspective on the parts we are still missing.  To help us get a better understanding of ourselves in a deeper way.  What could you possibly be missing, that you aren’t able to see yourself, that could take things to an even better level?  A great level of intimacy, connection, and pleasure?

What are you believing right now that makes you feel guilty or ashamed?  What are you believing right now that keeps you from feeling desire?  

Here’s another example for you.  Someone recently shared with me that she has a friend who says she has a great sex life, but also admits that she won’t get undressed in front of her husband because she doesn’t like her body after having a baby.  

So yes, some parts might be good.  You might desire sex.  You might feel pleasure and even have an orgasm.  But what parts of yourself are you hiding? Or hiding from?  We cannot create true intimacy and have a truly GREAT Sex Life, when we are hiding from ourselves or our spouse.

So let’s uncover the next layer.  You’ve already made things good, or at least better than they were.  Let’s take it to the next level and really make it great!  I’ve still got some room in my June 16 group, and I would absolutely love to have you!

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