Episode 156 – The Disappearing Orgasm


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Show Summary:

Have you ever felt like you had to sneeze, and then you couldn’t? And you’re left with this weird tickle feeling in the back of your nose?  That is how some clients of mine have described their disappearing orgasm.  They have all this build up and then it just goes away and they are left frustrated and baffled.  Where did it go?  Why didn’t it materialize? How can I stop it from happening again? So today, I have 8 steps for avoiding the disappearing orgasm.  

  1. Dig Deeper For Clues

There’s a reason your orgasm is getting blocked, and most of them are up in your head.  Yep, it has to do with the way you are thinking.  So we need to dig a little bit deeper and find out what it is you are thinking in those crucial moments that’s making your orgasm go away.

Some women stop themselves right at the verge of orgasm because they are afraid of what it will be like to go over the edge.  This can happen for a number of different reasons, the most common being a fear of losing control.  Some women are afraid of those moments of ecstasy and what the loss of control may look like for them and what will happen.  Some other reasons might be trauma from past sexual experiences or abuse, other mental blocks, or even pressure to perform from either an internal source or from your spouse.

It’s really important that you get curious about yourself and the moments leading up to orgasm.  Do you notice strong emotions? Memories? Thoughts? Fears?  These are all good clues for why your orgasm may be disappearing and this is definitely something I talk quite a bit about with clients.  We get really curious about what is going on, so we can pinpoint the cause and shift things so it doesn’t keep happening.

  1. Steady Stimulation

Most women require consistent clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm.  A lot of women start to shake or twitch when they start orgasming, which can often change the stimulation, even just slightly.  It’s possible that you’re losing your orgasm because you’re losing the stimulation you need to get there.  

Make sure you are being very clear with your partner of what you need.  Or take matters into your own hands to maintain the same level of stimulation you need in order to get all the way there.

  1. Or…switch it up

On the other hand, some women find that changing the stimulation, right in those crucial seconds before climax, is what they need to get them over the top.  So you need to figure out if you are someone who needs consistency or if you need to switch things up.  Try playing around types of stimulation and intensities so we what works best for you.

  1. Keep breathing

Breath is an important part of orgasms.  Paying attention to your breath helps you bring a deeper connection with your body, meaning you can be more in tune with the sensations you are feeling.  Breath also helps you stay present and focused.  As you feel your orgasm getting close, try slowing down your breath.  Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.  Try to keep it really deliberate and measured.

  1. Or hold your breath

For some women, holding their breath helps them orgasm.  We are all different, so you have to find what works best for you.  Try experimenting with holding your breathe in the moments leading up to orgasm.  Now, you don’t want to pass out, so hold it for 5-10 seconds, then release, and hold again.

  1. Exercise your Pelvic Floor Muscles

Your pelvic floor muscles (commonly called your Kegel muscles) contract during orgasm.  Like any other muscle in your body, your pelvic floor muscles can be strengthened, and stronger pelvic floor muscles are linked to stronger orgasms.

Now, you can do your Kegels, if you know how to do them correctly!  You can also get extra help training them correctly by using weights, and pelvic floor trainer, or especially by seeing a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist, which I highly recommend.

Do NOT do Kegels if your pelvic floor muscles are too tight already.  If you have trouble or pain with penetration, you don’t want to try and strengthen these muscles more.  So definitely see a pelvic floor physical therapist for that.

  1. Focus on pleasure

A lot of times we are frustrated about our disappearing orgasms, or we can sense our partner’s frustration with it and so it’s easy to get stuck in your head about it.  If you find yourself stressing about it, or having thoughts like “it better happen this time,” “it’s taking forever” or “he must be getting bored” or anything you feel yourself getting frustrated or distracted, this isn’t going to help.  Try taking a deep breath, bring your attention back to the pleasure your body is feeling, and quit being so goal focused on the orgasm.

Try thinking things like “this feels good” or “there’s nothing for me to do other than enjoy this.”  Also talking to your spouse about his frustration and how it doesn’t help you feel relaxed in the moment can be helpful.  If he’s more relaxed, then it’s often easier for you to feel more relaxed and not feel so much anxiety.

  1. Let it be

Orgasms are a lot like snowflakes, no two are alike.  Orgasms can vary in duration and intensity quite a bit.  As you get more practiced at having good orgasms and employ all the techniques I’ve outlined so far, you may just have to come to terms that sometimes an orgasm may disappear, and that’s ok.  It’s not the end of the world.  You will have another one.  Focus on connection, intimacy, and pleasure and you can make any experience an enjoyable one.

Don’t forget to sign up for my How To Get In The Mood Masterclass and we will see you next time!

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