I hear all the time from listeners, followers, and clients “I don’t want sex! I’m just not in the mood.”  We talked a lot about creating desire on Episode 34, but I want to dig in a little bit deeper here.

First off, I want you to ask yourself a question.  And when I tell you to ask yourself a question, I want you to really think about it.  Maybe even sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and write down the answers that your brain gives you.  The question I want you to ask yourself is  “Why am I not in the mood?”  I absolutely don’t want you to answer with “I don’t know” because that right there will shut down your brains wisdom.  But really ask yourself why you aren’t in the mood?  Sit down for 5 minutes and see what your brain comes up with.  Then maybe ask a follow up question – What gets me in the mood?  These answers will be invaluable to you as you move forward.

Ok, so now that you’ve maybe done that exercise, or at least contemplated it for a minute let’s keep going.

Expectations

It is unrealistic to expect that you and your spouse are both going to want sex at the same time every time.  I want you to think about hunger.  Is your spouse always hungry at the exact same time you are?  Probably not.  Is it a problem that maybe he wants to eat and you don’t?  Or that you want to eat and he doesn’t?  Again, it probably isn’t.  So why is it a problem when one of you wants sex and the other isn’t in the mood?  

Now, going back to hunger.  Has your spouse ever said “I’m hungry, doesn’t a steak with a potato and veggies sound amazing right now? Let’s go get something to eat!” And maybe sometimes you’re like “Well I’m not hungry, but I want to spend time with you, so I’ll go.”  or “That doesn’t sound good, but I’d love some Salmon.”  or maybe you weren’t hungry at all but the mere mention of food that you love makes you want it.  Many times we can be enticed to go to dinner…even if we aren’t hungry because it sounds good, we know we can find something that does sound yummy or we know we can enjoy the company even if we don’t eat. Sex can be the SAME WAY!

Just because you aren’t “in the mood” doesn’t mean that you can’t go along and enjoy the company or maybe find something in the sex that you do find pleasurable.  Maybe you’ll find it so pleasurable that you want to go all the way.  But you would have never known that was possible if you didn’t go along in the first place.

Arousal before Desire

I want you to think back when you were a teenager, or early 20s.  You see a hot guy and want to make out with him and then you got aroused.  Back in the day, desire came before arousal.  But often times in a marriage, it doesn’t work that way.  You need to have the arousal first and then the desire comes.  Desire is the mental state and arousal is the physiological state.  Willingness is the entry point.  Are you wiling to go there?  If you are willing, desire can be born out of the arousal instead of the arousal being born out of the desire.

This seems backwards to us because of what used to happen to us as teenagers.  But in most situations now, arousal comes before desire.  

Have you ever agreed to sex, even though you weren’t in the mood?  But once you started, you were able to get in the mood and really enjoy it?  See!  Arousal before desire.  It’s just backwards from how we are used to thinking about it!

So often we think that in order to have sex we need to have desire and be aroused first.  But desire and arousal can come later when we’re already engaged in behaviors.  We can make the choice to be an engaged and willing even without desire and arousal.  

Here’s a fun little exercise! Try engaging in a 30-second make out to see if you can get arousal stoked.  If not, then just enjoy the making out.  But if so, then you’re good to go!

So often we avoid sensually engaging activities because we think that it will let to sex, which it often can.  But, if the behavior is arousing then you are more likely to want sex anyway!  Win/Win!

Desire

So many times we are so busy raising kids and taking care of the home.  Many times in addition to working a job.  We are so busy that we are not aware of our desire.  So really, it’s more of a context issue than a desire issue.  So I want you to think about desire and ask yourself some questions.  

(By the way, all of these questions are on this episode’s webpage, so you can go there to see all of them)

• Do I want desire?
• What kind of desire do I want?
• What needs to happen for me to get there?
• What do I need to do in order to feel that desire?
• What context do I need in order to feel desire?
  • Do I need the housework done?
  • Do I need time by myself?
  • Do I need some lingerie?
  • Do I need to take a bath?
• I turn myself off when?
  • The house is a mess
  • When I read emails before bed
  • When I scroll trough instagram
  • When I’ve had a hard day with the kids
  • When I feel tired or stressed
  • When I feel fat
  • When I overeat
  • When I don’t get ready for the day
• I turn myself on when?
  • I am rested
  • When I smile
  • When I wear sexy underwear
  • When I see husband do something manly

These are some great questions to ask yourself.  I would also encourage you to share the answers with your husband.  I would bet that he would be much more likely to help you in the ways that you need most in order to get sex that night.

Our Brain Is our Biggest Sexual Organ

Remember that our brain is our biggest sexual organ.  It all starts up in our brains.  So in order for you to be “in the mood” you’ve got to get your head in the right space.  You’ve got to think the thoughts that create that desire in your.  You’ve got to at least be willing to give it a shot.  And who knows, you might enjoy it.  In fact, you might love it!

So don’t forget to “Say yes to the Sex!” It could be the best decision you make that day!