Do you know how to be sexy? Is it ok as a woman of God to try and be sexy? What do men think makes a woman sexy? What do women think they need to do to be or feel sexy?
For today’s episode, I wanted to focus on another topic related to my sexual satisfaction survey. So if you haven’t listened to Episode 78 where I discussed this, here’s a little recap.
I surveyed married Latter-Day Saint women, and 40% said they experienced some guilt and shame around sex as a married woman. They experienced these emotions for a few different reasons. One of the reasons that kept coming up was that women felt guilty for wanting to be sexy.
I also get a lot of questions from listeners and clients that they want to be sexy, but they don’t know how.
So that is what we are talking about today; how to feel sexy and why it’s ok.
What Does Sexy Mean?
So what does sexy even mean? The basic definition is something sexy is something sexually attractive or exciting. We most commonly use it to describe physical traits in both men and women. But can we pinpoint what it even means? Do all sexy people have things in common? Are we just naturally sexy, or can you learn how to be sexy?
What we find sexually attractive today is not what it has always been. Our ideas of sex mostly come from current images we have seen in the media. But look back in history and art, and what was portrayed is very different from what we typically define as sexy now.
When you think of current sex symbols, who comes to mind? Actresses? Singers? Models? Some sort of celebrity, right? Most are probably pretty thin with big boobs or at least a stylist who knows how to accentuate all the right areas.
Now think about art from the renaissance period. Women were full-figured. Most were portrayed with smaller breasts. But that’s what was considered sexy and attractive.
So our ideas of what is sexy definitely change over time. Sexy is also very subjective. What one person may consider sexy, another may not. However, the consistent idea about what it means to be sexy is the ability to arouse desire in the opposite sex. That’s it.
How to be sexy
So what does it mean to be sexy? Sexy comes with an attitude of confidence and being comfortable with one’s body and self.
Notice how I didn’t say anything about specific physical features. I didn’t say you have to be 5’8″ and a size 2 with big boobs. Nope. To be sexy, you just need to be confident in who you are, exactly as you are and be comfortable with that. It doesn’t matter your weight, your size, whether or not you are curvy, you just need to own what you’ve got.
Have you ever noticed how people we consider sexy usually put effort into their appearance? They don’t apologize for the attention that they get. Can you imagine Marilyn Monroe apologizing, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to turn you on.” No way! Being sexy means unabashedly owning your sexuality and the effect you have on the opposite sex.
If we think about being sexy in terms of the concepts I teach, sexy is a feeling. I feel sexy. So if sexy is a feeling, it comes directly from a thought. Maybe something like, “I look amazing.” or “This dress makes me feel so good.” or “This skirt really accentuates my great backside.” Thinking thoughts like that are going to make you feel sexy. Thinking thoughts that tear you down, or reinforce your insecurities are not going to help you feel sexy. Assuming others are thinking negative thoughts about you aren’t going to make you feel sexy either.
What they are saying
I asked a group of men what they found sexy about their wives. I want you to hear some of their answers.
“I love her, so everything.”
“Her ability to handle her job.”
“The biggest thing I find sexy about my wife is confidence in herself. It’s not always there, but when it is, wow!”
“When she plays a more active role in seduction and sex. Asking for what she wants, that’s sexy.”
“My wife is kind and smart, and I find that sexy.”
“The sexiest thing my wife does is TRY to be sexy. It isn’t what she actually does as much as the intention behind it. When I know she is putting forth the effort to be sexy it really turns me on! Intent is everything.”
“My wife breathing is sexy to me. Her dying is not sexy to me. ALMOST everything she does in between those is sexy to me.”
“Confidence is numero uno.”
Ladies, our husbands love us. They find us sexy by just being ourselves. They married you because they were attracted to you. Because they found you sexy. And I’m sure there were some physical aspects of that, but there’s a whole lot more to it. It’s the whole package. And I know sometimes it’s hard to feel sexy when your body has changed with time and after having kids from what it once was. But when you step into owning your sexuality and being confident in who you are now, you can be sexy.
Why it’s ok to be sexy
Now, let’s address why it’s ok to be sexy.
I know that many of you have reservations, guilt and shame, and other negative thoughts and emotions around being sexy because of the cultural lessons you were taught or took away when you were a youth. It was wrong for parents and leaders to shame sexuality. Instead of teaching you how to integrate and manage your sexuality as a youth properly, they were coming from a place of fear and taught you to be ashamed and repress a vital part of your eternal identity. I don’t think they did this on purpose. I truly believe they were trying their best. They were teaching you what they thought would help you. But they didn’t do it in a very good way. So now it’s time to unlearn that.
Sexuality is an eternal principle. It is a vital part of who you are. You were created to be a sexual being. So it is absolutely ok for you to be sexy.
Now, I will qualify this. I don’t believe that as a good Daughter of God, you want to be flaunting your sexuality and doing in a worldly way. I don’t think you want to be trying to arouse all the men around you. But it is absolutely ok for you to be confident in yourself and your body. And you are NOT responsible for what other men think. They are responsible for their own thoughts and feelings. So there is a difference between trying to be sexy to get the attention of men who are not your husband and getting that attention just because you are being yourself.
I absolutely think it’s ok to do what you want to do to be sexy for your husband. I asked a group of women what they do to feel sexy, and here are some of their responses.
“When I feel capable as a mom, or at my job, or with my body, I feel sexier.”
“I love to wear lingerie to feel sexy.”
“I set up a little mini photoshoot with my self-timer on my phone and take pictures to send to my husband.”
“I feel better about my body and sexier when I am exercise.”
“I love taking dirty dancing, lap dancing, and pole dancing classes.”
“When I have a fantasy, no matter how inappropriate it may be, I don’t push it away. I allow it to be there and acknowledge that it’s part of my sexual self. I can use that to intensify the experience with my husband.”
“I feel sexy when I’m 100% me, and I’m not referencing what others think I should be.”
“I feel sexy when I pay attention to what turns me on and let my husband know about it.”
“I feel sexy when I express my innermost passions and desires. And not just sexual stuff, but stuff that gets me going as a human.”
I also wanted to read a particularly great response that I wholeheartedly agree with. She says, “Feeling or acting sexy to me equaled being a “naughty” girl or a girl who would act like that would be in porn. When I finally learned how to step into my sexuality, I learned to fall in love with my body. And the fact that my husband is crazy about my body and is not at a loss for words in telling me helps tremendously. I had to learn to love and appreciate that as well, though. Before I embraced my sexuality, his words irritated me. I felt like he only loved me for my body and not my mind and spirit and heart. Now I absolutely love his words and his attention towards my body. Knowing that my body drives him crazy is so stinking flattering and makes me feel powerful. It is very satisfying and builds my self-esteem, knowing that I carry that much power. Loving my body the way that I do and gaining that appreciation for what it does to my husband makes me feel sexy just being in my own skin. Whether I am fully dressed or not.”
Isn’t that amazing. Isn’t it great how much things can change when you can step into the power that you have and use it for good? Use it for the good of your marriage.
I get a lot of concerns about objectification when it comes to women embracing their sexuality. I get it. You don’t want to just be seen as a sexual object. But you need to remember that those are YOUR thoughts. In the quote I just shared, the woman thought her husband only loved her for her body and not her whole self, and that he was objectifying her. But once she stepped into her sexuality, embraced it, embraced her body, her thoughts changed to loving his words.
Of course, there is the occasional man who is, in fact, objectifying you. But it is your choice how you want to receive his words. You can interpret what he says anyway that you want to. So why not step into your power and own your sexuality?
Our sexuality is powerful. I think it is one of the reasons why so many women are scared of it. But we all have that power, and so we need to decide how we want to use it. Do we want to use it to degrade or diminish ourselves? Or do we want to use it for good? Use it for the good of ourselves and our marriage? The choice is yours!
I have gotten some powerful messages from some of you lately on how much this podcast is helping you and your marriage. One listener sent me a DM, and this is what it said:
“I just started listening to your podcast. I stumbled upon it somehow. It might just save my marriage. I came on to my husband last night, and he was just about in tears afterward. I didn’t realize how bad he was hurting from me not ever wanting to have sex. We got married really fast 19 years ago. I was a new convert, and I’ve been telling myself that I’ll never be happy or that there’s no chemistry for that long. I love him so much, but I’ve hated sex. But you have taught me that my thoughts are what’s wrong. I’ve been believing and proving my thoughts and holding out on happiness for so so long. So, thank you, thank you!!!
Isn’t that awesome?! I love that this podcast is helping so many of you. But I need your help. I need you to share this and help me grow this podcast. I know there are so many women out there that are hurting and they need this podcast. To help this podcast grow, you can do two things:
- Write a review on your podcast App. The Podcast App on iPhones is the best, but I know you can write reviews on other podcast apps as well. So if you could do that, that would be so helpful. More ratings and reviews help people find it easier.
- The second thing is to share it with someone. I know it can seem uncomfortable or awkward to send a podcast about sex to someone. You might be nervous that they will judge you or worried that it will seem weird that you are listening to a podcast about sex. But you know what has helped you, and you could share any episode that has, with someone.
Remember those notes that we used to pass in Junior High? We’d write our friends and tell them how much we liked a boy or what was going on in our lives and we’d fold it up all cute and pass it to friends in class or in the hall. But if someone got a hold of that note that you didn’t want them to see it could have been super embarrassing? Think about it like that. By sharing this podcast you are passing a secret note to a friend. I would really appreciate it.