Have you ever felt like you were never enough in your life?  If you are like most people, you have.  Have you felt like you will never be enough for your spouse sexually?  Like no matter what you do, they will never be satisfied?  Or maybe you are talking to your spouse and trying to express your wants and desires, only to be met with a response like, “I’ll never be enough for you”? It can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening, right? But today, we’re going to unpack this phrase and explore what’s really going on beneath the surface.

The Concept of “Being Enough”

First off, let’s clarify something very important: It’s not about being enough. What does enough even mean? As a person, you are enough. You are worthy of love, respect, and affection. There is nothing that you can do that will make you enough and there is nothing you can do that makes you not enough.  You are enough because you are a child of God.  You are enough because the Savior paid with His life and atoned for you.  Nothing you do or don’t do can change that.  Period.  And…often, even if we feel like we are enough as a person, we don’t feel like we are meeting the expectations of our spouse.  

The concept of being “enough” in the sexual frame is often misunderstood. When we talk about being enough, it shouldn’t be about fulfilling a checklist of needs or performing tasks out of a sense of duty. It shouldn’t be about servicing your spouse or doing everything they want you to do.  It’s about cherishing each other and building a connection that goes beyond mere servicing.  

And, if your partner says “I’ll never be enough for you,” it can feel like they’re invalidating your needs or dismissing your feelings. However, this statement often reflects their own insecurities rather than your actual desires. And it’s often a way to shut down the conversation and avoid intimacy and being known, rather than an actual problem with what you want.  

Servicing Framework vs. Cherishing Framework

Let’s talk a bit about the difference between a servicing framework and a cherishing framework in sexual relationships. When sex becomes about servicing, it can feel like a chore—something we do out of obligation rather than desire. It’s checking a box, fulfilling a quota. This can lead to resentment and a lack of genuine connection. It’s like running on a treadmill: you’re moving, but you’re not going anywhere. And when in this frame of mind, it can feel like no matter what you do, it will never be enough.  Because it won’t.  What’s actually missing is genuine love, connection, and cherishing your partner.  Showing them how much you love them with every part of you.  Sex should not be about servicing but about loving.

In contrast, a cherishing framework is all about mutual love and respect. It’s about wanting to connect with your partner, to share in intimacy that’s fulfilling for both of you. It’s about passion, openness, and novelty—not just frequency. When we cherish each other, sex becomes an expression of love and a way to deepen our bond. It’s not just about the act itself but about what it represents—our commitment to each other, our shared desires, and our mutual satisfaction.  This is most of the time what partner’s are actually looking for, they sometimes just don’t express it well.

Women and Feelings of Inadequacy

Now, I want to address a common issue many women face: comparing themselves to other women, and specifically to women in porn. This comparison can lead to feelings of inadequacy and the belief that they’ll never be enough for their partners. But it’s important to remember that porn is not a realistic representation of sex. It’s scripted, edited, physically enhanced and often focuses on unrealistic standards. Women might also feel like they’re not enough if they struggle with body image issues, past traumas, or even societal expectations of what a “perfect” wife should be and look like.

These feelings can stem from a variety of sources. For instance, a woman who has just had children may feel less desirable because her body has changed. Or a woman who has been in a long-term relationship might worry that she’s not as exciting or adventurous as she once was. These insecurities can lead to a belief that they’ll never measure up to some idealized version of a partner.

Men and Feelings of Inadequacy

On the flip side, many men feel like they’re never good enough as providers or husbands. This can stem from societal pressures to be the breadwinner, to always be strong and capable, and to never show vulnerability. Men might feel inadequate if they’re struggling with their careers, finances, or even their roles as fathers. The pressure to always be the strong, dependable one can be overwhelming.

For example, a man might feel that if he’s not making enough money or advancing in his career, he’s failing his family. Or he might believe that if he shows any signs of weakness or vulnerability, he’ll be seen as less of a man. These feelings can carry over into the bedroom, where he might feel that he’s not satisfying his partner enough or living up to some perceived standard of what a “real man” should be.

Root Causes of Inadequacy

These feelings of not being enough often speak to deeper issues within ourselves, like self-esteem and confidence. When someone says, “I’ll never be enough for you,” it’s often a reflection of their own insecurities. It’s a way to deflect intimacy and protect themselves from feeling vulnerable. 

Low self-esteem can stem from various sources—childhood experiences, past relationships, societal pressures, or even personal setbacks. When we carry these insecurities into our relationships, they can manifest as feelings of inadequacy. It’s easier to believe that we’re not enough than to confront the deeper issues that are affecting our self-worth.

Deflecting Intimacy

Let’s dig a little deeper into that. Saying “I’m not enough” can sometimes be a defense mechanism. It’s a way to avoid the deeper conversation about what’s really going on in the relationship. It’s easier to say “I’ll never be enough” than to address feelings of inadequacy or to work on building a more intimate connection. But deflecting intimacy only creates more distance between partners. It prevents us from truly understanding each other’s needs and from working together to create a fulfilling sexual relationship. By deflecting, we avoid the risk of vulnerability. We protect ourselves from potential rejection or criticism, but we also miss out on the deeper connection that comes from being truly open and honest with our partner. It’s a self-protective measure that ultimately undermines the very intimacy we crave.

Moving Past “I’ll Never Be Enough”

So, how can we move past this? It starts with open and honest communication. When you express your needs, try to frame the conversation around mutual desires and connection rather than unmet expectations. Instead of saying, “We don’t have sex enough,” try, “I miss our intimate moments together and would love to find ways to connect more often.”

It’s also essential to focus on building self-esteem and confidence. For those who feel like they’re not enough, this might mean seeking coaching or therapy, practicing self-care, or finding ways to celebrate your own worth and value. Remember, being enough isn’t about meeting every need perfectly; it’s about being present, loving, and open to growth.

Encourage each other to explore these feelings and to support one another in building a stronger, more intimate relationship. This might mean trying new things together, setting aside time for each other, or simply being more open and vulnerable with your feelings.

Conclusion

So, let’s shift our mindset from servicing to cherishing. Let’s focus on building connections that are based on mutual love, respect, and desire. You are enough, and your worth isn’t defined by how often you have sex or how well you perform. Your sexual “enoughness” is not defined by frequency, novelty, or giving your spouse everything they want.  It’s defined by the love and connection you share with your partner.

Thank you for joining me today. I hope this episode has given you some valuable insights and encouragement. Remember, you are enough, and your relationship can thrive when you focus on cherishing each other. And if you need helping doing this, come into coaching with me.  

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. See you next week!