Blog

Before we get started, I just want to preface this episode that I am not an expert when it comes to the brain.  Based on my research, this is what I’ve learned and if I get any of it wrong, I’m sorry.  

Have you ever wondered why you can feel like a completely different person during sex than you do afterward? Or why sometimes you’re totally in the mood and open to trying new things, but other times you feel like you’re just going through the motions? Maybe you’ve noticed that you and your partner seem to be on completely different pages – one of you wants to keep exploring while the other just wants to cuddle and be done?

Or here’s a big one: Have you ever agreed to something sexually that seemed exciting in the moment, but then afterward you felt weird about it or couldn’t understand why you wanted to try it? Or maybe you’ve experienced the opposite – you’ve been curious about something but when the moment comes, you just can’t get yourself to feel interested?

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not broken, and your relationship isn’t flawed. What you’re experiencing is completely normal human neurobiology. And understanding what’s actually happening in your brain during different phases of sexual experience can be absolutely game-changing for your sex life.

See, most of us think that sexual desire and response is pretty straightforward – you either want it or you don’t, you either enjoy it or you don’t. But the reality is that your brain goes through distinct neurological phases during sexual experience, and each phase creates completely different emotional states, different levels of openness, different desires, and different needs.

When you understand these phases – what’s happening chemically in your brain before arousal, during arousal, and after orgasm – suddenly so many things start making sense. You’ll understand why timing matters so much in sexual conversations. You’ll understand why you feel so different during sex than after sex. You’ll understand how to work with your brain’s natural processes instead of fighting against them.

This isn’t just interesting trivia – this is practical knowledge that can help you get in the mood more easily, stay present during sex, communicate better with your partner, and stop judging yourself for having completely normal neurological responses.

So let’s dive into what’s actually happening in your brain, starting from before you’re even aroused, all the way through to that post-orgasm cuddle time.

The Pre-Arousal Brain: Getting Your Head in the Game

Before any sexual arousal even begins, your brain is in what we might call “default mode.” You’re probably thinking about work, the kids, what you need to do tomorrow, whether you remembered to pay that bill. Your stress hormone cortisol might be elevated from the day’s challenges. Your brain is scattered across a dozen different concerns.

This is completely normal, but it’s also why so many people struggle with getting in the mood. Your brain literally needs to shift gears to become receptive to sexual desire. Think of it like trying to watch a romantic movie while you’re still thinking about your presentation at work tomorrow – part of your brain just isn’t available.

Here’s what’s fascinating: you actually can influence this transition. Brain science shows us that certain activities help shift you from that scattered, stress-mode brain into a more receptive, present-focused state.

For example, deep breathing actually changes your brain chemistry. When you breathe slowly and deeply, you activate your parasympathetic nervous system – that’s your “rest and digest” system as opposed to your “fight or flight” system. This lowers cortisol and makes space for other neurochemicals to emerge.

I had a client who told me she started taking five deep breaths before any physical intimacy with her husband. She said, “It sounds so simple, but those five breaths literally help me arrive in my body instead of staying stuck in my head.” That’s neuroscience at work.

Physical touch also helps this transition, but we’re not talking about sexual touch yet. I’m talking about non-sexual physical connection. When you hug someone for 20 seconds or longer, you start releasing oxytocin – that bonding hormone we’ll talk more about later. But in this context, oxytocin helps calm your nervous system and makes you more receptive to intimacy.

Think about it this way: have you ever noticed that when you and your partner just sit and talk and touch each other’s hands or cuddle on the couch, you naturally start feeling more connected? That’s your brain chemistry shifting. You’re moving from that scattered, busy brain state into a more present, connected state.

Eye contact does this too. There’s actual research showing that sustained eye contact increases oxytocin production. So when couples spend a few minutes just looking at each other – really looking, not just glancing – they’re literally changing their brain chemistry to be more receptive to intimacy.

Now, can you hack this process? To some extent, yes. If you know that your brain needs to shift gears, you can be intentional about creating conditions that support that shift. Maybe that’s taking a shower together – not sexually necessarily, but just to wash away the day and be present with each other. Maybe it’s putting phones away for 30 minutes and just talking. Maybe it’s dancing together in the kitchen or giving each other a back rub.

One couple I worked with figured out that they needed what they called “transition time.” They realized that trying to go from dealing with kids’ homework straight into sexual intimacy just wasn’t working because their brains were still in parent-mode. So they started building in 20-30 minutes of just being together as a couple first – sometimes talking, sometimes just sitting quietly together, sometimes doing something playful. They weren’t trying to get aroused; they were just letting their brains shift from “busy adult” mode to “connected partner” mode.

The Arousal Brain: When Everything Changes

Now, here’s where it gets really interesting. Once arousal begins – and I mean actual physical and mental arousal, not just deciding you want to have sex – your brain becomes incredibly neuroplastic. Think of neuroplasticity like your brain being a piece of clay that’s warm and moldable. When you’re aroused, your brain is literally more open to new experiences, sensations, and ideas than it normally is.

This happens because you’re releasing dopamine – that’s your brain’s “want” chemical. And here’s what most people don’t understand about dopamine: it’s not actually about pleasure, even though we often think it is. Dopamine is about seeking, wanting, anticipating. It’s what makes you lean in, pay attention, get curious. It’s what makes a dog perk up when it hears a can opener, or what makes you feel excited when you’re texting with someone you have a crush on.

So when you’re building toward orgasm, you’re in this heightened state where everything feels more intense, more interesting, more possible. Your brain is essentially saying, “Pay attention! This might be really good! Stay curious!”

Let me give you some examples of what this looks like. Maybe you’ve noticed that during foreplay or the buildup to sex, you might be open to trying something new that you’d never considered before. Last week, I had a client tell me, “When we’re really into it, I find myself wanting to do things that would embarrass me to even think about normally.” That’s neuroplasticity in action.

Or your partner touches you in a way that normally might tickle or feel weird, but in that aroused state it feels amazing. That’s because your neuroplastic brain is interpreting sensations differently than it would in a non-aroused state.

Or think about this: have you ever been in the middle of sex and had a random thought pop into your head about trying a different position or doing something you saw in a movie? That’s dopamine-driven neuroplasticity. Your brain is in this exploratory, curious state where it’s more open to novel experiences.

This is also why fantasy often becomes more vivid and creative during arousal. Your dopamine-soaked brain is more willing to explore ideas and scenarios that might seem silly or embarrassing in your regular state of mind.

The Perfect Time to Rewire Your Brain

But here’s something most people don’t know: this neuroplastic state during arousal isn’t just great for exploring new physical sensations – it’s also the perfect time to practice new thoughts and belief systems about yourself, your body, and your sexuality.

Think about it: if your brain is more moldable and open to change during arousal, that means it’s also more receptive to new ways of thinking. Those limiting beliefs that feel so solid and unchangeable in your everyday mind? They become much more flexible when your brain is flooded with dopamine.

This is huge, especially if you struggle with negative thoughts about your body, your sexual worth, or your desirability. You know those thoughts – “I don’t look good enough,” “I’m not sexy,” “My partner doesn’t really want me,” “I’m bad at this.” In your regular state of mind, these thoughts can feel like concrete facts. But during arousal, when your brain is neuroplastic, they become much easier to shift.

I worked with a client who had spent years believing she wasn’t attractive enough for her husband to really desire her. She would get caught up in worrying about how her stomach looked or whether she was making the right sounds. But we started working with her aroused, neuroplastic state. When she was already turned on and feeling good, I taught her to practice new thoughts: “My husband chose me,” “I am desirable exactly as I am,” “My body is capable of amazing pleasure.”

The difference was incredible. Those new thoughts that felt fake and impossible in her regular mindset started feeling true and natural when she practiced them during arousal. Her brain was literally more capable of accepting and integrating these new beliefs because of the neuroplasticity.

Here’s another example: I had a client who struggled with feeling shame about enjoying sex. She had grown up with messages that good women don’t really like sex, so even though she was married and wanted to enjoy intimacy with her husband, she felt guilty when she got really into it. During arousal, when her brain was most neuroplastic, we practiced thoughts like “I am allowed to feel pleasure,” “Enjoying sex makes me a loving wife,” “God created my body to experience this joy.”

It wasn’t magic – she still had to practice these thoughts consistently. But doing it during arousal, when her brain was most open to change, made the process so much faster and more effective than trying to shift these beliefs when she was in her analytical, everyday mindset.

You can do this too. When you notice you’re in that aroused, dopamine-rich state, try practicing thoughts that contradict your usual limiting beliefs. Instead of “I don’t look good enough,” try “My partner loves my body.” Instead of “I’m not good at this,” try “I’m learning and growing.” Instead of “This is too much,” try “I deserve to feel this good.”

The key is to practice these thoughts when they feel more believable – when your neuroplastic brain is open to new possibilities. You’re not trying to convince yourself of something that feels completely untrue. You’re taking advantage of a natural window when your brain is more receptive to positive change.

Now, why is understanding this so important? Because it explains why sexual experiences can feel so different from one time to another. It’s not just about technique or even attraction – it’s about brain chemistry. When you’re in that neuroplastic state, even familiar touches and activities can feel completely different because your brain is processing them differently.

It also explains why some people struggle with staying present during sex. If you’re not releasing enough dopamine – maybe because you’re stressed, distracted, or not adequately aroused – your brain won’t enter that neuroplastic state. You’ll stay in your regular, analytical mind that’s thinking about your to-do list or worrying about how you look or sound.

Can you influence this? Absolutely. This is where understanding what creates arousal for you becomes crucial. And it’s different for everyone. Some people need more physical stimulation to release dopamine. Others need more mental stimulation – talking, fantasy, anticipation. Some need emotional connection first. Some need novelty or a sense of adventure.

I worked with a woman who realized that she needed to feel desired before she could get truly aroused. Not just wanted for sex, but desired as a person. So she and her husband started a practice where he would tell her specific things he found attractive about her – not just her body, but her mind, her personality, the way she handled something that day. This mental and emotional stimulation helped trigger the dopamine release that made her brain more neuroplastic and receptive to physical arousal.

Another client figured out that he needed some element of novelty to really get his dopamine going. Not necessarily trying crazy new things, but just small changes – different locations in the house, different times of day, different approaches to foreplay. His brain needed that sense of exploration to really open up.

The key insight here is that the more aroused you are – meaning the more dopamine you’re releasing – the more neuroplastic your brain becomes. And the more neuroplastic your brain is, the better sex tends to feel because you’re more present, more receptive, and more open to pleasure. Plus, you have this incredible opportunity to literally rewire limiting beliefs about your sexuality.

The Orgasm Shift: When Everything Changes Again

But here’s where it gets really interesting – and where a lot of couples get confused. The moment you have an orgasm, everything changes neurologically. You’re not releasing dopamine anymore. Instead, you get a flood of serotonin and oxytocin.

Serotonin is your calm-down chemical. It creates feelings of peace, satisfaction, and contentment. It’s the same neurotransmitter that gets boosted by antidepressants. Oxytocin is often called the bonding hormone – it makes you feel connected, trusting, and relaxed. These are beautiful, important chemicals, but they do something really significant: they end that neuroplastic state. They essentially tell your brain, “Okay, we’re done exploring now. Time to rest and recover.”

This is why there’s such a dramatic shift in how you feel before orgasm versus after. Before orgasm, you might feel adventurous, excited, open to trying new things, maybe even a little wild or uninhibited. After orgasm, you probably want to cuddle, or sleep, or just lie there feeling peaceful and connected. You might feel emotionally tender or even a little vulnerable.

That’s not a character flaw or a lack of passion – that’s neurobiology doing exactly what it’s designed to do.

I had a client tell me once, “I feel like I become a different person during sex, and then afterwards I go back to being myself.” And I said, “You kind of do! Your brain chemistry is literally different during arousal than it is after orgasm. Neither version is more or less ‘you’ – they’re just different neurological states.”

This explains so many things couples struggle with. Like why one partner might want to keep going or try something new right when the other partner is feeling done and wants to snuggle. Or why you might agree to something during sex that you feel weird about afterward. It’s not that you were lying or being fake – you were genuinely in a different neurological state where that idea seemed appealing.

Here’s another common example: have you ever had an amazing sexual experience but then felt a little sad or empty afterward, even though you enjoyed it? That can happen when your serotonin levels spike after orgasm. Some people experience what researchers call “post-coital dysphoria” – a temporary feeling of sadness after sex that has nothing to do with the quality of the experience and everything to do with neurochemistry.

Or maybe you’ve noticed that right after orgasm, you or your partner becomes really talkative and wants to share feelings and bond. That’s oxytocin at work. It’s making you feel connected and trusting, so you want to deepen that emotional intimacy.

Understanding this shift is crucial because it helps you have realistic expectations. You can’t expect your partner to stay in that exploratory, dopamine-driven state indefinitely. And you can’t expect yourself to feel the same way during the buildup as you do after the release.

Why This Knowledge Changes Everything

Now, here’s what I want you to understand: you can’t really hack this system completely. I know we live in a world where we want to optimize everything, but certain experiences create certain chemicals, and those chemicals create specific emotional states. You can’t just decide to stay in that dopamine-driven, neuroplastic state indefinitely.

Think about it like this: imagine if you tried to stay excited about Christmas morning for three hours straight. Eventually, your brain would crash from all that dopamine. The serotonin and oxytocin after orgasm aren’t there to ruin your fun – they’re there to help your nervous system regulate and recover.

But understanding this can actually improve your sex life in huge ways. Let me break down some specific applications:

Timing Your Communication If you want to have a conversation about your sex life or explore new desires together, don’t do it right after orgasm when someone’s brain is flooded with calm-down chemicals. Their neuroplastic, curious brain just went offline. Instead, do it when you’re both alert and engaged, maybe during some non-sexual intimacy when you can think clearly but still feel connected.

I worked with a couple who kept having the same fight. She would want to talk about their sex life right after they were intimate, and he would seem disinterested or even resistant. She interpreted this as him not caring about their relationship. But what was really happening was that his post-orgasm brain was in bonding and recovery mode, not problem-solving mode. When they moved these conversations to other times – maybe during a walk together or while cuddling before sleep – he was much more responsive and engaged.

Introducing New Things If you know that your brain is most open and exploratory during arousal, that might be the time to gently introduce something new you’ve been wanting to try. Not by springing it on your partner, but by having conversations beforehand about things you’re both curious about, and then letting that natural neuroplasticity work in your favor.

One couple I worked with had been wanting to experiment with some light role-play, but they felt too awkward to try it. I suggested they talk about it outside the bedroom first, get comfortable with the idea, and then bring it up again when they were already aroused and in that more open, playful neurological state. The difference was dramatic – what felt embarrassing in their regular state felt fun and exciting in their aroused state.

Managing Expectations If you’re someone who tends to feel emotionally vulnerable or even regretful after sex, understanding that your brain chemistry has literally shifted can help you be more compassionate with yourself. Those feelings aren’t necessarily about the sex you just had – they might just be your serotonin-soaked brain processing the experience differently than your dopamine-fueled brain was experiencing it in the moment.

I had a client who would often feel anxious after really good sex. She couldn’t understand why amazing intimacy would leave her feeling worried and insecure. When we talked about post-orgasm neurochemistry, she realized that the shift from high dopamine to high serotonin was creating this emotional vulnerability. Just understanding that it was normal and temporary helped her stop spiraling into worry about her relationship.

Practical Strategies: Working With Your Brain

So how can we use this knowledge practically? Here are some strategies that work with your neurobiology instead of against it:

For Getting in the Mood: Remember, your brain needs to transition from daily-life mode to intimate-connection mode. You can facilitate this transition:

• Create rituals that signal the shift. Maybe that’s changing into something comfortable, lighting candles, or putting on music that helps you feel more present.
• Practice mindfulness or breathing exercises together. Even five minutes of focused breathing can help lower cortisol and make space for desire to emerge.
• Start with non-sexual touch and connection. Hold hands, give each other a back rub, or just sit close and talk about your day. This helps your nervous system shift gears.
• Remove distractions. Put phones away, turn off the TV, create a space where your brain can actually focus on your partner.

One couple started what they called “landing practice.” When they both got home from work, they would sit together for ten minutes and just decompress – sharing what their day was like, what they were worried about, what went well. They weren’t trying to get aroused; they were just helping their brains transition from work mode to relationship mode. They found that this simple practice made them much more available to each other for intimacy later.

For Staying in the Mood Longer: Since dopamine creates that neuroplastic, exploratory state, you want to keep dopamine flowing without rushing toward orgasm:

• Slow down. The faster you move toward orgasm, the faster you’ll trigger that serotonin/oxytocin release that ends the exploratory phase.
• Build anticipation throughout the day. Text each other, leave notes, touch each other in passing. This keeps dopamine levels elevated.
• Focus on the journey, not the destination. When your goal is exploration and connection rather than just reaching orgasm, you naturally stay in that dopamine-rich state longer.
• Try edging or taking breaks. This keeps you in that aroused, neuroplastic state without immediately triggering the calming chemicals of orgasm.

I worked with a couple who realized they were rushing through foreplay to get to “the main event.” When they started focusing on staying in that playful, exploratory phase longer, they discovered that their entire sexual experience became more intense and satisfying.

For Using Neuroplasticity to Your Advantage: Remember, when you’re aroused, your brain is most open to new ways of thinking. Use this to your benefit:

• Practice positive thoughts about your body and your sexuality when you’re already feeling good and turned on.
• Challenge limiting beliefs during arousal when they feel less solid and more changeable.
• If you notice negative thoughts creeping in during sex, gently redirect to more positive, pleasure-focused thoughts.
• Remember that this neuroplastic state is temporary, so take advantage of it when it’s available.

For After Sex: Understanding that post-orgasm state helps you work with it instead of against it:

• Expect the shift. Don’t be surprised when you or your partner goes from passionate to peaceful. That’s supposed to happen.
• Use that oxytocin for bonding. This is a great time for emotional intimacy – sharing feelings, cuddling, talking about your connection.
• Be gentle with each other. You’re both in a neurologically vulnerable state. This isn’t the time for criticism or difficult conversations.
• Don’t judge your thoughts or feelings. If you feel sad, anxious, or different than you did during arousal, remember that your brain chemistry has changed.

Understanding Individual Differences: Here’s something crucial: people’s brains respond differently to these neurochemicals. Some people release dopamine easily and get aroused quickly. Others need more time and the right conditions. Some people’s post-orgasm serotonin and oxytocin create blissful bonding feelings. Others might feel emotionally raw or even a little disconnected.

There’s no “right” way for your brain to respond. The key is understanding your own patterns and your partner’s patterns, and working with them instead of against them.

I had one client whose husband would get very talkative and emotionally open after sex, while she wanted to just be quiet and close. She thought something was wrong with her because she didn’t want to process feelings right then. But when she understood that they were just responding to post-orgasm neurochemistry differently, she could appreciate his need to connect verbally while also honoring her need for quiet closeness.

The Bottom Line

The beautiful thing about understanding this neurobiology is that it helps you work with your brain instead of against it. You can appreciate the exploration phase for what it is, and you can appreciate the bonding and recovery phase for what it is, without expecting one to be like the other.

Your brain is doing exactly what it’s designed to do. The dopamine gets you excited and open to experience. The serotonin and oxytocin help you bond and recover. Neither one is better or worse – they’re just different phases of the same beautiful process.

When you understand what’s happening neurologically, you can stop fighting your brain and start partnering with it. You can create conditions that support the transition into arousal. You can stay in that neuroplastic state longer when you want to. You can use that neuroplasticity to shift limiting beliefs about your sexuality. You can appreciate the post-orgasm phase for the bonding opportunity it is.

Most importantly, you can stop judging yourself or your partner for having normal neurological responses to sexual experiences. Your brain is not broken if you feel different after sex than during sex. Your relationship is not flawed if you and your partner respond differently to these neurochemical changes.

This is just how human brains work. And when you understand it, you can use that knowledge to create more satisfying, connected, and enjoyable sexual experiences.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.