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Today we’re diving into a topic that I get questions about constantly – how to maintain sex and intimacy after having a baby.

Last week we talked about sex during pregnancy and navigating all those changes – the physical shifts, the hormones, the discomfort, the excitement. Well, today we’re picking up where that leaves off, because if you thought pregnancy was a wild ride for your sex life, bringing home a baby takes things to a whole new level.

Now, if you’re expecting your first little one or just brought home a baby, you might be thinking, “How hard can this be?” Trust me, I’ve been there. And if you’re a seasoned parent listening to this thinking about those early days, you’re probably nodding your head remembering just how challenging this season can be.

The truth is, bringing home a baby doesn’t just add a person to your family – it completely reshuffles everything, including your sex life and your emotional connection as a couple. And that’s completely normal, even though it might not feel normal when you’re in the thick of it.

The Gottmans – those renowned relationship researchers – found that about two-thirds of couples experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction during the first three years after having a baby. But here’s the good news: it doesn’t have to be that way. The couples who navigate this well have some specific things they do differently, and that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

So let’s start by looking at what this actually looks like in real life.

The Reality Check

Let me paint you a picture. Rachel and Ben had been married for three years when their daughter Emma was born. They had a great sex life before baby – connecting regularly, feeling close, enjoying that intimate bond. Then Emma arrived, and suddenly Rachel felt like her body wasn’t her own anymore. She was healing from delivery, her breasts were constantly needed for feeding, and she was so exhausted she could barely remember if she’d brushed her teeth that day.

Ben said he wanted to be supportive, but his actions told a different story. When Emma cried at night, he’d roll over and pretend to sleep, leaving Rachel to handle it alone. During the day, he’d come home from work and expect dinner to be ready, then get frustrated when the house was a mess. He started making comments like, “You’re always with the baby. What about us?” or “When are things going to get back to normal?”

Rachel felt completely torn. Here was this precious baby who depended on her for everything, and she was falling more in love with Emma every day. But she also felt guilty that she wasn’t being a good wife. Ben seemed jealous of the baby, actually jealous of their own daughter. And instead of stepping up to help so she could have a moment to breathe, he was acting like he was competing for her attention.

She’d think, “How am I supposed to be a good mom AND a good wife when I’m running on two hours of sleep and my body is still healing? Why doesn’t he see how hard this is? Why can’t he just help me without me having to ask?”

Meanwhile, Ben was feeling like a stranger in his own home. His wife seemed completely absorbed by this tiny person, and honestly, he felt pushed aside. He knew he should probably help more, but he also felt like he didn’t know what to do. And if he was being honest, part of him resented that Rachel had moved him down the priority list.

Sound familiar? This scenario plays out in homes everywhere, and it’s one of the most common challenges new parents face. And here’s what makes it even harder – both Rachel and Ben have valid feelings, but instead of working together as a team, they’re ending up on opposite sides, each feeling like the other doesn’t understand or care.

So let’s talk about what’s really happening here, starting with the physical side of things.

Understanding the Physical Reality

I think sometimes we underestimate just how much a woman’s body goes through. Whether you’ve had a vaginal delivery or a C-section, your body has just experienced a major trauma. And I’m using that word intentionally – trauma. Your body has spent nine months undergoing massive changes, and then it went through the intense physical stress and trauma of birth itself.

For most women, doctors recommend waiting at least six weeks before having sex again. But did you know that number is totally arbitrary?  I was recently listening to a podcast with a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist named Sara Reardon.  She said that “six weeks is incredibly early to expect normal and healthy sexual function.” So here’s what I want both partners to understand – that six-week clearance is just the minimum. It doesn’t mean you’re automatically ready at six weeks and one day. Some women feel ready at six weeks, others need several more months. And that’s completely normal and okay.

Moms, listen to me carefully: Do not push yourself before you are ready. I don’t care if it’s been six weeks, eight weeks, or twelve weeks. If your body is telling you it’s not ready, honor that. You are not obligated to have sex before you’re physically and emotionally ready, period.

Dads, you need to listen to your wife about how she’s feeling. This isn’t about her being difficult or withholding – this is about her body genuinely needing time to heal. When she tells you she’s not ready, believe her and support her.

Here’s some statistics that I don’t think a lot of fathers understand

• After giving birth, it takes a woman six months for the internal “dinner plate size” wound to heal.
• It takes 12 months for her body to physically recover.
• It takes 2 years for her hormones and brain chemistry to settle
• It can take up to 5 years for her to rediscover her identity and purpose.

Now, I’m not saying this to scare you. But to help you understand that it’s not just 6 weeks and everything is back to normal. It’s not. And it won’t be. And it means that you’ve got to settle into a new normal.

And here’s something else that’s really important – even when she is ready to try, whenever that is, sex may still be uncomfortable or even painful at first. Things might feel different. Birth can cause physical changes and sometimes actual damage to tissues and muscles. This isn’t something to just push through. You need tenderness, care, patience. Go slow. Be gentle. Use plenty of lubricant.

Now, I need to be really clear about something: There’s a difference between discomfort and pain. Some discomfort as you’re easing back into sex after months away might be normal – things feeling tight or unfamiliar, needing more time to warm up. That’s something you can work with gently and slowly.

But pain? Pain is different. Sex should NEVER be painful. If it hurts – and I mean actual pain – STOP. Do not push through pain. I cannot emphasize this enough. Pain is your body telling you something is wrong. If you’re experiencing pain during sex, stop what you’re doing and talk to your doctor or a pelvic floor physical therapist.

If pain continues or things don’t feel right, that’s not something to ignore. This is where pelvic floor physical therapy comes in, and honestly, I wish more women knew about this. Pelvic floor physical therapy is recommended for ALL women, both before and after birth. Not just if you have problems – for everyone. A pelvic floor physical therapist can help with healing, assess for any damage or issues, and help restore function. This can make a huge difference in your recovery and in your ability to enjoy sex again without pain.

Now, the physical reality is huge, but it’s not the only thing going on here. There’s also a massive emotional shift happening for both partners.

The Emotional Landscape

I had a client, Stephanie, tell me, “I feel like my body has become a utility. I’m feeding the baby, the baby needs to be held, and when my husband wants to be intimate, it just feels like one more person who needs something from my body.”

This is so common, and it doesn’t mean Stephanie doesn’t love her husband or doesn’t want to have sex eventually. It means she’s in survival mode, and her body and mind are prioritizing keeping this tiny human alive.

For dads, there’s often a different struggle. Marcus, another client, shared with me, “I know she’s tired and I want to be supportive, but I miss my wife. I miss feeling connected to her. Sometimes I feel like I’m competing with the baby for her attention, and then I feel guilty for even thinking that.”

Both of these feelings are completely valid and normal. And there’s another physical and emotional shift that happens that we need to talk about – one that affects how women experience their own bodies.

The Breast Shift Challenge

Your breasts were likely part of your sexual identity and your intimate connection with your spouse before baby. Suddenly, they’re functioning as a food source for your baby, and that can feel really weird.

I remember talking with Rebecca, who said, “I used to love when my husband would touch my breasts during sex. Now, the baby has been nursing on and off all day, they’re sore, and the last thing I want is someone else touching them. But I also feel bad because I know that was something my husband really enjoyed.”

This is such a common experience. Your breasts are working overtime right now, and it’s completely understandable that they might feel off-limits for a while. The key is communicating about this rather than just pulling away without explanation.

Try saying something like, “I want you to know that I still find you attractive and I still want to be close to you, but right now my breasts are so sore from nursing that I need them to be off-limits for touch. It’s not about you – my body just needs this boundary right now while I’m healing and adjusting.”

Or, “When you touch my breasts, I’m having a hard time shifting between them being for the baby and them being sexual. Can we focus on other ways to be intimate right now until I feel more comfortable with that transition?”

Be specific about what you do want. Maybe it’s “I’d love for you to touch my back, my legs, my neck – those feel really good right now” or “Let’s explore other parts of my body that feel pleasurable rather than functional.”

And husbands, when your wife tells you this, don’t take it as rejection. Thank her for being honest with you, respect that boundary completely, and ask what would feel good to her instead. This is temporary, and your understanding during this time will help her feel safe and respected, which actually helps her return to wanting sexual connection sooner.

Okay, so we’ve talked about all these challenges – the physical healing, the emotional shifts, the body changes. Now let’s talk about how to actually navigate this season well. What does the research tell us about couples who thrive during this time instead of just surviving?

Redefining Intimacy

When we talk about maintaining your connection after baby, we often jump straight to “when can we have sex again?” But intimacy – that emotional closeness and connection – is different from sex, and there are so many ways to maintain that even when sex is off the table or limited.

For example, Ethan and Valerie started having what they called “connection time” every evening after they put the baby down. Just fifteen minutes where they sat together on the couch, no phones, no TV, just talking about their day or even sitting in comfortable silence while holding hands. Valerie told me, “Those fifteen minutes became so precious. It reminded us that we were still a couple, not just two people managing a baby.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking – “When the baby finally goes down, I need to do the dishes, fold the laundry, catch up on emails, or honestly just sleep!” And yes, those things are important. You do need to get things done. You absolutely need sleep. But here’s the thing – your relationship is also important. If you always prioritize the tasks or the sleep over those few minutes of connection, you’ll wake up one day and realize you’ve become roommates who happen to parent together.

I’m not saying you need an hour every night. Even just ten or fifteen minutes a few times a week can make a huge difference. The dishes can wait fifteen minutes. The laundry isn’t going anywhere. And sometimes, investing in that connection actually helps you both feel more supported, which makes everything else feel a little more manageable.

Physical touch doesn’t have to be sexual to be intimate and connecting. A back rub while mom is nursing, holding hands during a walk with the stroller, cuddling on the couch while watching a movie after baby goes to sleep – these all maintain physical connection and intimacy without pressure for sex.

These little moments of connection are so important, and actually, there’s some really solid research on what specifically helps couples stay strong during this transition. Let me share what the experts have found.

The Gottman Framework for New Parents

John and Julie Gottman wrote a fantastic book called “And Baby Makes Three,” and they identified six key steps that help couples not just survive but actually thrive during this transition.

First, make room for baby AND make room for your partner. This sounds obvious, but it’s easy to let your entire identity get consumed by being parents. Yes, you’re a mom and a dad now, but you’re also still husband and wife. That relationship needs space too, even if it’s just small pockets of time.

For example, Derek and Natalie made a rule that they’d spend at least ten minutes after the baby went down just checking in with each other – not about the baby, not about logistics, but about them. “How are you feeling today? What’s going on in your world?” It seems small, but it kept them from becoming just two people managing a household together.

Second, nurture fondness and admiration. When you’re sleep-deprived and stressed, it’s easy to focus on what your partner isn’t doing or what’s annoying you. The Gottmans found that couples who actively look for things to appreciate about each other fare much better.

Try this: every day, notice one thing your spouse does that you appreciate and tell them about it. “I noticed you rocked the baby for an extra twenty minutes so I could finish my shower. Thank you.” Or “I love how patient you are when he’s crying. It helps me stay calm too.”

Third, turn toward each other instead of away. This is huge. Throughout the day, we make little bids for connection – a comment, a touch, a question. The Gottmans call these “bids.” When your partner makes a bid, you can turn toward it, away from it, or against it.

Let’s say mom says, “This baby is so sweet when he sleeps.” Dad could turn toward (“I know, look at those little cheeks”), turn away (just grunts and keeps scrolling on his phone), or turn against (“Well he’s not so sweet when he’s screaming”). Even these tiny moments matter. Couples who turn toward each other’s bids at least 86% of the time have much stronger relationships.

Fourth, let your partner influence you. This means actually listening to your spouse’s perspective and being willing to collaborate, even when you think your way is better. Maybe dad has a different method for getting baby to sleep, or mom wants to try something you’re not sure about. Being willing to say “okay, let’s try it your way” or “let’s find a way that works for both of us” shows respect and builds teamwork.

I had a couple where the husband insisted his way of swaddling was the only right way. Every time his wife tried to do it differently, he’d re-do it. Eventually she just stopped trying. When they learned to let each other influence them – “Your way works, my way works, let’s both feel confident as parents” – their whole dynamic shifted.

And here’s something I see all the time that really fits with this principle – in many marriages, one person becomes the “expert” on parenting. They’re the one reading all the books, listening to all the podcasts, joining all the Facebook groups. And look, education is great! I’m all for learning about child development and evidence-based parenting. But what happens is this person starts to feel like they know better, and they expect their spouse to just follow their lead because “I did the research.”

This creates a hierarchy in your marriage where one person is the expert and the other is basically supposed to just comply. And you know what that does? It creates a parent-child dynamic between spouses, which is terrible for your relationship and definitely terrible for your sex life. Nobody wants to have sex with someone they feel is constantly correcting them or treating them like they don’t know what they’re doing.

Both of you being educated is great – encourage your spouse to read too, listen to podcasts together, talk through what you’re learning. But then work together to find approaches that work for both of you. Maybe the research says one thing, but your partner has an instinct about your specific baby that’s also valid. Maybe you’ve learned a technique, but your spouse has a different approach that also works.

You’re equals in this parenting journey. Not expert and apprentice. Not teacher and student. Partners.

Fifth, solve your solvable problems. Not all problems are solvable, but many are, and you need to actually address them rather than letting them fester. If you’re fighting about who does the night feedings, sit down and create a schedule that works for both of you. If you’re disagreeing about visitors, have an actual conversation and come up with guidelines together.

Sixth, cope with perpetual problems. Some issues don’t have solutions – different parenting philosophies, different comfort levels with mess, different social needs. These aren’t going to go away. The key is learning to dialogue about them with humor and affection rather than letting them create constant conflict.

For example, maybe one of you is a “the baby needs a strict schedule” person and the other is more “let’s go with the flow.” You’re probably not going to completely change each other’s wiring. Instead of fighting about it every time, you might say, “Okay, I know you need more structure than I do. How about we keep the bedtime routine consistent, and I’ll be more flexible about nap times during the day?”

Or let’s say one of you wants the house to look presentable and the other is fine with toys everywhere. Instead of constant tension, you might laugh about it: “I know you need a clear space to breathe, and I know I’m not great at tidying as I go. What if we designate the living room as the ‘public space’ that we keep picked up, and the playroom can be chaos?” You’re acknowledging your differences with affection rather than criticism.

Practical Strategies for Couples

Those six principles from the Gottmans give us a really solid framework, but let me get even more practical with you. Here are some specific strategies that have worked for the couples I’ve coached.

Communication is everything. Have honest conversations about what you’re both feeling. Dad, you can say something like, “I miss being close with you, and I want you to know I’m not pressuring you for sex. I just want to make sure we stay connected.” Mom, you can share where you are physically and emotionally: “I’m still healing and feeling touched out most days, but I love you and want to maintain our connection too.”

Plan for non-sexual intimacy. This might sound unromantic, but when you’re running on three hours of sleep, spontaneity isn’t always realistic. Maybe it’s a daily hug that lasts at least ten seconds, or a weekly hot chocolate date during the baby’s nap, or even texting each other throughout the day with appreciation or flirty messages.

Take the pressure off. When you do start being physical again, start small and don’t put pressure on it leading to sex. Maybe it’s just kissing for a few minutes, or taking a shower together, or giving each other massages. Let physical connection rebuild gradually.

Share the load. This is huge, and it ties directly into that Gottman principle about accepting influence. The Gottmans found that men who do more childcare and housework have better sex lives with their wives. Why? Because when mom feels supported and isn’t overwhelmed, she has more capacity for connection – both emotional and physical. Dad, look for ways to take care of practical things so mom can take care of herself. Take the night feeding so she can get a longer stretch of sleep. Handle dinner so she can take a relaxing bath. The more supported she feels as a person, the more capacity she’ll have for your relationship.

Now, all of these strategies are great for maintaining connection during the time when sex is off the table. But what about when you do start having sex again? Let’s talk about that.

When Sex Does Resume

Start slowly. Her body has changed, and things might feel different. Use lubricant – breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness that has nothing to do with arousal. Take time with foreplay. Don’t assume positions that worked before will work now.

Be flexible about timing. That passionate late-night spontaneity might be replaced with planned sex during the baby’s nap. And you know what? That’s okay. Planned doesn’t mean less meaningful.

Expect interruptions. The baby is going to wake up right when things are getting good. It’s almost a law of nature. Have a sense of humor about it and know that this season won’t last forever.

Those are practical tips for when you do resume sex, but I think we also need to talk about what your overall expectations should be during this season. Because unrealistic expectations are one of the biggest relationship killers I see.

Setting Realistic Expectations

For the first several months, your sex life is probably not going to look like it did before baby. And that’s normal! You’re in a major life transition. The goal isn’t to get back to exactly where you were – it’s to create a new normal that works for your family.

Some couples find their sexual frequency decreases for a while but their emotional intimacy actually deepens. Others find they need to be more intentional about physical connection but discover new ways to please each other. Every couple’s journey is different.

I always tell couples to think in terms of seasons. This is the newborn season. It’s intense, it’s exhausting, and it’s temporary. You’re not going to stay in this space forever. But trying to rush through it or pretend it’s not real just creates more stress.

Now, I want to speak directly to each of you for a minute – first to the moms.

For the Moms Listening

You are not responsible for your husband’s sexual desires during this time, especially if you’re not ready. A loving partner will understand that your body and heart need time to heal and adjust.

That said, don’t shut down all communication about sex and physical connection. Help him understand where you are and what you need. Maybe you’re not ready for sex, but you can still express love and affection in other ways that feel good to you.

And please, give yourself permission to heal at your own pace. Every woman’s experience is different. Don’t compare yourself to your friend who was “back to normal” at eight weeks or the woman in your mom’s group who says she never experienced any changes. Your timeline is your timeline.

And now, dads, let me talk to you.

For the Dads Listening

Dad, your feelings of wanting connection and even missing sex are completely normal. But remember, your wife has just been through a massive physical and emotional experience. The best thing you can do right now is support her healing process.

Ask how you can help rather than just wish things would get back to normal. Take initiative with household tasks and baby care so she can rest. Express appreciation for what she’s doing as a mom and remind her that you still see her as a beautiful, desirable woman, even if you’re not expressing that physically right now.

Your patience and support during this time will actually strengthen your relationship in the long run. I’ve seen so many couples where the husband’s response during this season determined how quickly and fully their sex life and emotional connection returned.

For those of us who approach marriage and family through the lens of faith, I think there’s something important to remember here too.

The Role of Faith

Remember that God designed both sexuality and parenthood as sacred experiences. There’s no shame in struggling with this transition – it’s part of the mortal experience.

Prayer, both individual and as a couple, can be incredibly helpful during this time. Pray for patience, for understanding, for increased love for each other. I’ve had couples tell me that praying together during this season actually increased their emotional intimacy even when physical intimacy was limited.

Let me leave you with some hope as we wrap this up.

Looking Forward

Here’s what I want you to remember: this season is temporary, but how you handle it can have lasting effects on your relationship. Couples who approach this time with patience, communication, and grace often find their relationship is actually stronger on the other side.

I think about Adrian and Simone, who went through a really difficult adjustment period after their first baby. Adrian felt rejected, Simone felt overwhelmed, and they both felt disconnected. But they committed to talking through their feelings, being patient with the process, and finding small ways to connect every day.

Two years later, Simone told me, “That challenging time actually taught us how to communicate better and be more intentional about our relationship. Our sex life and emotional intimacy now are both deeper than they were before baby because we learned how to really support each other through hard things.”

So as we close out today’s episode, I want to leave you with a few final thoughts.

Final Thoughts

Remember, you’re not just maintaining your relationship during this time – you’re also modeling for your children what a loving marriage looks like. They’re watching you show grace to each other, support each other through challenges, and prioritize your relationship even in difficult seasons.

Be patient with yourselves and each other. Communicate honestly about your needs and feelings. Find creative ways to stay connected. And remember that this beautiful, exhausting, overwhelming season of early parenthood is just that – a season.

Your sexual relationship and emotional intimacy will evolve and grow, and while they might look different than before, they can absolutely be fulfilling and beautiful in new ways.

And remember, whether you’re expecting your first baby or adding to your family, give yourselves permission to take this journey one day at a time. You’ve got this, and your relationship – both your emotional connection and your sex life – can not only survive this transition but thrive through it.

Until next time, remember that your relationship – both your emotional connection and your sex life – is worth the investment, in every season of life.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.