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How do I get my wife to develop her sexual self?  That is probably one of the most common questions I get from husbands.

This question makes the assumption that if I just say the right thing in the right way their eyes will be opened and all will be right in my world. But that is not usually the case. And what it actually ends up doing is creating more unhealthy pressure.

We’ve talked in previous episodes about pressure and how it can create issues in your marriage and sexual relationship.  People tend to react negatively to pressure.  But pressure can serve us well.  And it can serve us well if it’s done in a healthy way.  

In my program, we talk a lot about how we do not cause our spouse to feel a certain way.  That the way we feel comes directly from the way we think.  But even though we can’t cause them to feel a certain way, we definitely have influence.  And we have influence because marriage is a system.  When we show up a certain way in our marriage it influences the system itself.

So how do we influence or pressure the system in a healthy way?  It always comes back to you and your own self-development.  

If you think that your problems are going to be solved when your spouse fixes themselves, you’ve got the wrong perspective.  Oftentimes, we think we are better than or know more than our spouse.  And while you may have more knowledge, looking at your spouse from a “I’m better than you.  I’m more sexually developed than you.  I am whole and you are broken.” perspective, you are causing more problems in your marriage and are not aiding in the growth and self-development of each individual partner as well as the marriage itself, even when you think that what you are doing and pushing for is right.  If you look at your spouse as if they are broken or less than, then they will probably start to believe they are broken and you will just be waiting for them to figure themselves out.  But, in my opinion, neither of you are broken, and you both have work to do.  You have just as much work to do on yourself as your spouse does on themselves.

When you begin working on yourself, when you pressure yourself to grow in healthy ways, when you quit seeking validation from your spouse, when you make decisions from a place of integrity instead of needing validation or insecurity, you will naturally pressure the system.  You will naturally pressure your spouse to make a choice.   Healthy pressure isn’t cajoling, coercing, or giving ultimatums.  It’s living in integrity with yourself and showing up that way even if your spouse doesn’t like it or want it at first.  Healthy pressure is created as a result of intimacy.  Letting yourself be known and showing up authentically to the other person.  And doing this, often in the face of invalidation by your partner.  It’s about you showing up as your best self, growing yourself, and being that person whether your partner likes it or not.

Healthy self-development both invites and pressures similar development from our partner, although it doesn’t mean they will actually respond by changing.

I often tell my clients that marriage is a dance.  Let’s say that the two of you have been doing a waltz for many years, but you don’t actually like the waltz.  A waltz seems slow and boring.  You’d like the jive so much better.  So you start doing the jive.  And at first your partner is like “Hey! We don’t do the jive.  We do the waltz.  Get back over here and do the waltz with me.” But you know that the waltz doesn’t feel good for you, so you invite them to come do the jive with you.  And your partner doesn’t want to jive.  They like the waltz.  The waltz feels good to them.  The jive seems like too much.  It’s really far out of their comfort zone.  And for a while they are doing the waltz and you are doing the jive and it’s a mess.  But if you hold onto your position, if you keep doing the jive it will eventually force them to make a decision.  Either they start doing the jive with you, they keep doing the waltz and realize that it’s going to be very ugly and messy and doesn’t really work, or they might decide that they want a partner that will do the waltz and decide to end your partnership.  And based on their decision, you might have to make a decision too.  Either you stick with the jive because you know that’s in your integrity, or you go back to the way things were, being out of alignment with yourself and do the waltz again, or you might have to find a different partner that will jive with you. But that’s healthy pressure.  You focusing on yourself and becoming the most mature, best self you can become.  

And that is what my coaching programs are all about.  You becoming your best self, in all areas of your life, including in your marriage and in the bedroom.  

So with that, I am excited to announce that I am starting a men’s self-development program with the purpose of helping husbands become their best self to create the intimacy, connection, and sexual relationship that they want.  Embrace You! For Men will start with a 12-week beta group.  I will be teaching self-development concepts as well as coaching men and helping you not just with broad concepts, but with practical applications for your own marriage and relationship.  I want to help you be your best self, not just so you can have a great sex life, but because it is who you truly want to be.

If you are interested in signing up for my beta group for men you can go to AmandaLouder.com/men and fill out the form.  Based on the responses I will hand pick the men for the group as well as the day and time it will be held.

I’ve had a lot of requests to do a men’s group and to help the husbands like I help the wives, and I am so excited to do this.