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Celebrating 400 Episodes

This is my 400th episode. Four hundred episodes of talking about sex and marriage. That’s wild to me. When I started this podcast, I had no idea it would turn into this enormous body of work – hundreds of hours of content about building better marriages and better sexual relationships. And I’m so grateful. Grateful that you listen, that you trust me with your most vulnerable questions, that you keep coming back. It’s truly a privilege to do this work.

I know with 400 episodes, it can feel overwhelming. Like, where do you even start? Many people want the quick “how to” episodes – give me the positions, the toys, the techniques. But the real meat of this podcast has always been about how to create a better marriage, which then creates a better sexual relationship. Because you can know all the techniques in the world, but if your foundation is cracked, none of that matters. If you need help navigating all this content, I have a free podcast roadmap available on the homepage of my website that can point you in the right direction.

Thank you again for being here. For trusting me with this work. For showing up week after week to do the hard work of building better marriages.

Why We Flirt

Alright, let’s talk about flirting. Because this seemingly innocent thing – this playful, fun interaction – can either be the spark that keeps your marriage alive or the thing that makes your spouse want to run in the opposite direction. And the difference often has nothing to do with what you’re actually doing.

Let me tell you about Brianna and Ethan. Ethan would come up behind Brianna while she was doing dishes and run his hand down her back, whisper something suggestive in her ear, give her a playful squeeze. He thought he was being fun and flirtatious. Brianna would stiffen up, give a tight smile, and change the subject. Ethan felt rejected. Brianna felt pressured. Neither one understood what was going wrong.

So let’s start with why we flirt in the first place. At its core, flirting is about connection and playfulness. It’s a way of saying “I still find you attractive” or “I’m thinking about you” or “Remember, we’re not just roommates raising kids together.” It’s supposed to create lightness, anticipation, fun. It’s supposed to remind you both that you’re romantic partners, not just co-parents or co-workers in the business of running a household.

When flirting is working, it creates this delicious tension – not the bad kind of tension, but the good kind. The kind where you’re at dinner with another couple and your husband’s hand finds your knee under the table. The kind where you catch each other’s eye across a crowded room and share a secret smile. The kind where a quick text in the middle of the day makes you both feel more connected.

Flirting can also be a way of testing the waters. You’re gauging interest, seeing if your spouse is in the mood, checking in on the temperature of your sexual connection. There’s nothing wrong with that. But this is where things can start to go sideways.

Different Flirting Styles

Different people flirt in wildly different ways. Some people are verbal – they make suggestive comments, send spicy texts, talk about what they want to do later. Some people are physical – they touch, they grab, they get handsy. Some people are more subtle – a certain look, wearing particular clothing, initiating closeness in non-sexual ways that might lead somewhere. Some people create scenarios – suggesting a shower together, asking if you want to watch a movie in bed, inviting you to “help” them with something upstairs.

None of these approaches is inherently wrong. But here’s the problem: the same action can land completely differently depending on what’s happening in your spouse’s head.

The Mindset Makes All the Difference

Let’s go back to Brianna and Ethan. When Ethan touched Brianna while she was doing dishes, he was being playful. But Brianna’s experience was completely different. In her mind, every time Ethan initiated any kind of sexual touch, it was a request – no, a demand – for sex. And most of the time, Brianna wasn’t in a place where she could say yes. She was tired, stressed about managing the kids and all their activities, mentally running through tomorrow’s schedule. So Ethan’s playful touch felt like pressure. Like he was putting in a request that she was going to have to either fulfill or disappoint him by refusing.

This is what I call a negative mindset toward flirting. It’s when flirting stops feeling playful and starts feeling like a transaction. Like a negotiation. Like the opening bid in a process that’s going to end with someone unhappy.

Now let’s talk about Vanessa and Joel. Joel would send Vanessa texts during the day – sometimes flirty, sometimes just affectionate. “Can’t wait to see you tonight” or “You looked beautiful this morning.” Vanessa would smile when she got these texts. She felt pursued, desired, thought about. Sometimes these texts led to sex later. Sometimes they didn’t. Either way, Vanessa received them as connection, not pressure. That’s a positive mindset toward flirting.

The difference isn’t really about what Joel or Ethan did. The difference is about the dynamic underneath the flirting. In Vanessa and Joel’s marriage, flirting wasn’t always transactional. It didn’t always lead somewhere. Joel wasn’t only affectionate when he wanted sex. So when he was affectionate, Vanessa could receive it as genuine connection rather than a sexual demand.

In Brianna and Ethan’s marriage, things had become transactional. Ethan really only initiated physical affection when he wanted sex. So Brianna started interpreting any physical affection as a sexual advance. And because she often didn’t want sex – not because she didn’t love Ethan, but because of everything else going on in her life – his flirting felt like pressure instead of connection.

This is crucial: flirting backfires when it becomes a code for “I want sex and I’m hoping you’ll say yes.” Because then it’s not really flirting anymore. It’s a sexual request disguised as playfulness. And your spouse can feel that underneath.

When Flirting Creates Pressure

The pressure issue goes even deeper than just transactional dynamics. Flirting can create pressure when there’s an expectation attached. When your playful touch or suggestive comment comes with an unspoken “and this better lead somewhere” energy, your spouse can feel it. They’re not stupid. They can sense when you’re invested in a particular outcome.

I had a client, Diana, who would get dressed up for date night, do her hair and makeup, wear something she knew her husband Tyler loved. That’s not inherently a problem. But Diana was doing all of this with a script in her head: we’re going to have a great dinner, come home, and have sex. So when they got home and Tyler wanted to just cuddle and watch something before bed – not because he wasn’t attracted to Diana, but because he was genuinely tired – Diana felt devastated. Rejected. Angry. Like she’d done all this work for nothing.

Tyler could feel Diana’s expectation the whole evening. The way she kept touching him at dinner, the leading comments she made, the energy she had. And it made him feel backed into a corner. Like he owed her sex because she’d put in effort. That’s not desire. That’s obligation. And obligation kills desire faster than almost anything.

How to Flirt Better

So how do we do flirting better? First, we have to separate flirting from sexual requests. They’re not the same thing. You can flirt with your spouse with absolutely zero expectation that it’s going anywhere. In fact, that’s the best kind of flirting. Last week we talked about infusing sexual energy throughout your marriage with no expectation of sex – this is exactly what I mean. When you tell your husband he looks good in that shirt, you’re not putting in a request for sex later. You’re just appreciating him. When you send your wife a text saying you’re thinking about her, you’re not asking for anything. You’re just connecting.

This requires being honest with yourself about your intentions. Are you being affectionate because you genuinely want to connect, or because you’re trying to butter them up for later? Are you touching your spouse because you enjoy touching them, or because you’re hoping it will lead to sex? Your spouse can tell the difference, even if you think you’re being subtle.

Second, we need to learn our spouse’s language. How do they like to be flirted with? Some people love overt sexual flirting – the spicy texts, the grabbing, the explicit comments. Other people find that overwhelming or even off-putting. They prefer subtlety. A look, a smile, closeness without groping. I did a whole episode on how to flirt back in Episode 242 if you want more practical ideas on this.

Carlos loved when his wife Nina would grab him, make overt comments about his body, be physically bold. He found it exciting and fun. Nina, on the other hand, felt objectified when Carlos did the same to her. She didn’t want to be grabbed while cooking dinner or have him make comments about her body in the middle of a conversation about their budget. What she loved was when Carlos would stand close to her, touch her face gently, look at her in a certain way. Same intention – connection and desire – completely different execution.

Neither Carlos nor Nina was wrong. They just had different preferences. And they had to learn that what felt good to them wasn’t necessarily what felt good to their spouse. This takes communication. You might have to ask: “When I do X, how does that land for you? Does it feel playful or does it feel like pressure?”

Fixing the Underlying Dynamic

Third, we have to fix any underlying dynamic that’s making flirting feel transactional. This is often the hardest part because it requires looking at the bigger picture of your sexual relationship. If you’re only affectionate when you want sex, you need to change that. Be affectionate regularly, whether sex is on the table or not. Touch your spouse, compliment them, be playful, with no agenda attached.

If your spouse has learned that your flirting always comes with an expectation, you need to rebuild trust. This means flirting and then being completely okay when it doesn’t lead anywhere. Not disappointed, not passive-aggressive, not keeping score. You flirt because you enjoy flirting with your spouse, period.

This might mean that for a while, you deliberately separate flirting from sexual initiation. Flirt throughout the day, throughout the week, with zero intention that it’s leading to sex. And when you actually want sex, you communicate that directly and separately. “Hey, I’d love to be with you tonight if you’re interested” rather than hoping your flirting earlier will do the communicating for you.

For some couples, the issue is that there’s not enough security in the relationship for flirting to feel safe. If your spouse is worried that saying no to your sexual advance is going to result in you being angry, sulking, withdrawing, or punishing them in some way, your flirting is always going to feel like pressure. They can’t receive it as playful when they’re worried about the consequences of not responding the way you want.

Building that security means proving over time that you can handle disappointment gracefully. That you’re not going to make your spouse pay for turning you down. That your affection and care for them isn’t conditional on them saying yes to sex. This is foundational work that makes everything else possible.

What Good Flirting Creates

When flirting is working well, it creates a sense of anticipation and connection that makes both of you feel desired and alive. It reminds you that you’re not just functional partners but romantic ones. It builds erotic energy between you that makes sexual connection feel natural and wanted rather than scheduled and obligatory.

Good flirting makes you both feel seen and pursued. It creates inside jokes, secret smiles, moments of connection in the middle of mundane life. It makes you both think about each other during the day. It builds curiosity – “I wonder if tonight…” – rather than certainty – “We’re definitely doing this later.”

When flirting is working, it doesn’t always lead to sex, and that’s fine. Sometimes a flirty exchange in the morning just makes you both feel more connected all day. Sometimes a playful moment while cooking dinner is just a moment of fun. And sometimes it does lead to sex, but not because anyone was pressured into it – because you both genuinely wanted each other.

What Bad Flirting Creates

On the flip side, when flirting is backfiring, it creates distance instead of connection. Your spouse starts avoiding situations where you might flirt with them. They become less responsive to your texts. They stiffen when you touch them. They keep conversations surface-level to avoid giving you an opening. They’re not doing this to be mean – they’re doing it to protect themselves from feeling pressured.

Bad flirting makes one person feel constantly pursued and the other person feel constantly rejected. It creates a pursuer-distancer dynamic where the more one person tries to flirt and connect sexually, the more the other person pulls away. And that’s a terrible cycle to be stuck in because both people feel hurt – the pursuer feels unwanted and rejected, the distancer feels pressured and overwhelmed.

If you’re in this cycle, the solution isn’t to try harder with your flirting. The solution is to step back and fix what’s underneath. Why has flirting become transactional? Why doesn’t your spouse feel safe receiving your affection? What needs to change in your overall dynamic so that playfulness can actually be playful again?

Sometimes this means working on your own ability to tolerate disappointment. If you’re the higher-desire spouse who’s been using flirting as a sexual request, you might need to learn how to want your spouse without making them responsible for managing that want. Your desire for sex is yours to hold, not theirs to fix. When you can hold your own desire without making it your spouse’s problem, flirting becomes lighter and more genuine.

Sometimes this means the lower-desire spouse working on their own discomfort with being desired. If you’ve started interpreting any affection as pressure, you might need to challenge that interpretation. Not every touch is a sexual request. Not every compliment comes with an expectation. Your spouse might genuinely just want to connect with you, and you’re so defended that you can’t receive it.

The Goal: Freedom to Connect

The goal isn’t perfect flirting. The goal is authentic connection where both people feel free – free to flirt, free to receive it, free to let it lead somewhere or nowhere, free to want each other without pressure, free to enjoy each other without expectation. That’s when flirting becomes what it’s meant to be: a joyful expression of desire and connection between two people who still choose each other every day.

Merry Christmas, my friends. I hope your Christmas with your spouse and family is absolutely magical.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.