The Lies Your Brain Tells You About Sex

I hope you all had a merry Christmas! I’m so glad to be here with you today, and we’re diving into something that affects every single one of you listening – the lies your brain tells you about sex.

Your brain is a liar. Not intentionally malicious, but a liar nonetheless. And when it comes to sex in your marriage, your brain can spin some truly convincing stories that feel completely true in the moment but are actually sabotaging your sexual connection.

Why Your Brain Lies to You About Sex

Your brain’s primary job isn’t to make you happy or help you have great sex. Its primary job is to keep you alive and safe. And to your brain, vulnerability equals danger. Sex requires vulnerability. Sex requires uncertainty. Sex requires risk. So your brain, in its well-meaning but misguided attempts to protect you, starts telling you stories.

The amygdala, that almond-shaped part of your brain responsible for processing threats, doesn’t distinguish between physical danger and emotional risk. When you’re facing the possibility of sexual rejection, or the vulnerability of initiating sex, or the uncertainty of not knowing if your spouse wants you, or the fear of disappointing your spouse, or the pressure of feeling like you should want sex when you don’t, or the anxiety of your body not responding the way you think it should – your amygdala lights up the same way it would if you were facing a physical threat. And when your brain perceives threat, it goes into protection mode. That’s when the lies start.

Let me give you an example. Lindsey’s husband Carter hasn’t initiated sex in three weeks. Her brain immediately starts spinning a story: “He doesn’t find me attractive anymore. He’s probably thinking about other women. There’s something wrong with me.” These thoughts feel absolutely true to Lindsey. They feel like facts. But they’re not facts – they’re her brain’s attempt to explain an ambiguous situation in a way that helps her feel like she has some control over it.

The reality? Carter has been stressed about a project at work, hasn’t been sleeping well, and is dealing with some performance anxiety from the last time they had sex when he struggled with his erection. But Lindsey’s brain doesn’t know that. So it fills in the blanks with the most threatening possible explanation, because if Lindsey believes she’s unattractive and there’s something wrong with her, at least she has a “reason” for what’s happening. Her brain prefers a painful explanation over uncertainty.

How Conditioning Shapes the Stories

The lies your brain tells you about sex aren’t random. They’re shaped by years of conditioning – messages you received about sex growing up, experiences you’ve had in your marriage, cultural narratives about what sex should look like, and religious teachings about sexuality.

If you grew up hearing that sex is primarily for men, that women tolerate it, that “good girls” don’t want sex, then your brain has been conditioned to tell you certain stories. When you do want sex, your brain might tell you “something’s wrong with you” or “you’re being too demanding.” When you don’t want sex, your brain might tell you “this is just how it is for women” or “just get it over with.”

If you grew up with purity culture messaging that emphasized avoiding sex before marriage but didn’t teach you how to cultivate desire within marriage, your brain learned to associate sexual feelings with danger and shame. Those neural pathways don’t just disappear because you got married. So when you’re married and trying to connect sexually, your brain might still be firing off those old warning signals, telling you that sexual desire is dangerous or shameful, even though the context has completely changed.

Let me tell you about Trevor and his wife Diane. Trevor grew up in a home where his parents never showed affection. Physical touch was uncomfortable, almost inappropriate. Fast forward to his marriage, and every time Diane wants to be sexual, Trevor’s brain tells him “this is too much,” “this is uncomfortable,” “something about this feels wrong.” It’s not that Trevor doesn’t love Diane or isn’t attracted to her. It’s that his brain was conditioned for decades to associate physical intimacy with discomfort, and that conditioning is still running in the background.

Diane, on the other hand, grew up with parents who had a vibrant sexual connection. She saw her parents flirt, be playful, disappear to their bedroom on Saturday afternoons. She was conditioned to believe that sexual connection is a normal, healthy, enjoyable part of marriage. So when Trevor pulls away, her brain – conditioned by her own experiences – tells her “he doesn’t love me” or “I’m too much” because in her framework, people who love each other want to be sexual together.

Same situation, two different brains, two completely different sets of lies based on their conditioning.

The Lies Your Brain Tells the Higher Desire Partner

If you’re typically the partner who wants sex more often, your brain has a specific set of lies it likes to tell you. These lies feel incredibly real because they’re reinforced by repeated experiences of wanting sex and not getting it.

Lie number one: “My spouse doesn’t find me attractive.” This is perhaps the most common and most painful lie. Every time your spouse isn’t interested in sex, your brain offers this explanation. You start scrutinizing your body, comparing yourself to how you looked when you first got married, wondering if your spouse is looking at other people and wishing you looked different.

But attraction is complex. Your spouse can find you incredibly attractive and still not want sex because they’re exhausted, stressed, dealing with hormonal changes, processing difficult emotions, or simply not in a sexual headspace. Their lack of interest in sex in that moment has nothing to do with whether they find you attractive.

Lie number two: “If they really loved me, they’d want sex.” This lie connects sex with love in a way that’s destructive to both. Your spouse can deeply love you and not want sex right now. These are separate things. When you believe this lie, you start interpreting every sexual “no” as evidence that you’re not loved, which creates resentment and makes sexual connection even less likely.

I had a client, Nathan, who believed this lie so deeply that he couldn’t separate his wife Gabrielle’s sexual interest from her love for him. When she didn’t want sex, he withdrew emotionally, became distant, stopped helping around the house. He was essentially saying “if you don’t show me love through sex, I won’t show you love in other ways.” This created a terrible cycle where Gabrielle felt even less connected to Nathan and even less interested in sex, which confirmed Nathan’s belief that she didn’t love him.

Lie number three: “Something is wrong with me.” When you’re consistently the partner wanting sex, your brain starts suggesting that your desire is the problem. You’re wanting it too much. You’re too sexual. You’re broken. You should be able to control yourself better. This lie is particularly insidious because it makes you feel ashamed of your own sexuality, which doesn’t help anything.

Lie number four: “They’re probably getting their desires met somewhere else.” When sexual rejection happens repeatedly, this lie can creep in. Your brain, trying to make sense of why your spouse doesn’t want sex with you, offers this terrifying explanation. And once this thought takes root, it’s hard to shake because your brain finds “evidence” everywhere – a glance at someone else, time spent on their phone, coming home late from work.

The Lies Your Brain Tells the Lower Desire Partner

If you’re typically the partner who wants sex less often, your brain tells you a different set of lies. These lies also feel completely true and are also designed to protect you from vulnerability and uncertainty.

Lie number one: “I should want sex more than I do.” This lie comes from comparing yourself to some imaginary standard of what a “normal” spouse should want. You hear about other couples having sex multiple times a week, you read articles about sexual frequency, you feel pressure from your partner, and your brain tells you that your level of desire is wrong or inadequate.

But there is no “should” when it comes to sexual desire. Your level of desire is influenced by hormones, stress levels, past experiences, your relationship dynamic, your mental health, your physical health, and dozens of other factors. The problem isn’t your desire level – it’s the belief that your desire level should be different than it is.

Lie number two: “Just doing it is fine – they’ll never know the difference.” This is the duty sex lie, and it’s one of the most destructive lies on this list. Your brain tells you that as long as you go through the motions, as long as your body shows up, it doesn’t matter that your mind and emotions aren’t engaged. Your spouse will be satisfied, you’ll have fulfilled your obligation, everyone wins.

But duty sex leaves both partners unsatisfied. Your spouse, even if they don’t consciously realize it, can tell you’re not truly present. They can feel the lack of genuine desire. And you end up feeling used, resentful, and even more disconnected from your sexuality. Duty sex doesn’t solve anything – it just creates a different set of problems.

Let me tell you about Olivia. She spent the first eight years of her marriage having duty sex several times a week. She thought she was being a good wife. She thought she was meeting her husband Joel’s desires. She thought nobody was being hurt. But over time, she developed such an aversion to sex that even the thought of it made her feel anxious and trapped. And Joel, despite having frequent sex, felt increasingly lonely and disconnected because he could sense Olivia wasn’t really with him. The duty sex that Olivia thought was helping was actually destroying their sexual connection.

Lie number three: “If I say no, my spouse will be angry/hurt/disappointed.” This lie keeps you from being honest about your actual desires. Your brain tells you that saying no will cause problems, so it’s better to just say yes even when you don’t want to. But when you consistently override your own truth to manage your spouse’s emotions, you lose connection with your own sexuality. And you also rob your spouse of the opportunity to be with someone who genuinely wants them.

Lie number four: “I’m broken.” When everyone around you seems to want sex and you don’t, when your spouse is frustrated by your lack of interest, when you read books and listen to podcasts about improving your sex life and nothing seems to work, your brain offers this explanation: there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. You’re not normal. You’re defective.

This lie is particularly painful because it makes you feel hopeless. If you’re broken, what’s the point of trying? But you’re not broken. Your sexuality is shaped by a complex interplay of biological, psychological, relational, and contextual factors. Understanding those factors and addressing them is very different from accepting that you’re broken.

I worked with a woman named Claire who was absolutely convinced she was asexual. She had no interest in sex with her husband Patrick, and after years of this, she concluded that she was just wired differently and nothing could change. But as we explored her story, we discovered that she associated sex with obligation, that she felt pressure to perform in a certain way, that she was exhausted from caring for young children, and that she and Patrick had never talked about what she actually enjoyed sexually. Claire wasn’t broken or asexual – she was in a context that made sexual desire nearly impossible. When we changed the context, her desire showed up.

How to Tell When Your Brain Is Lying

The tricky thing about these lies is that they feel true. They show up as thoughts in your head, and your brain presents them as facts. So how do you tell the difference between a brain lie and actual truth?

Watch for absolute thinking. Anytime your brain uses words like “always,” “never,” “every time,” “no one,” you’re probably dealing with a lie. “He never wants me.” “She always rejects me.” “Every time I initiate, it goes badly.” “No one in a healthy marriage would feel this way.” Reality is rarely absolute. The fact that something has happened multiple times doesn’t mean it happens always or never.

Brandon’s brain told him “Jenna never wants sex.” But when he actually looked at reality, he realized that wasn’t true. Sometimes Jenna did want sex. Sometimes she initiated. Sometimes she was enthusiastic and engaged. It wasn’t “never” – it was “not as often as Brandon wanted.” That’s a very different reality, and recognizing that difference helped Brandon stop interpreting every instance of Jenna not wanting sex as evidence of a bigger problem.

Watch for mind reading. Anytime your brain tells you what your spouse is thinking or feeling without them actually saying it, you’re probably dealing with a lie. “She thinks I’m disgusting.” “He wishes he’d married someone else.” “They’re just tolerating me.” You don’t actually know what’s going on in your spouse’s head unless they tell you.

Watch for catastrophizing. Your brain loves to take a current situation and project it into the future in the worst possible way. “We haven’t had sex in two weeks, so we’ll probably never have sex again.” “This marriage is falling apart.” “We’re headed for divorce.” Your brain is trying to prepare you for the worst-case scenario, but in doing so, it’s creating anxiety and disconnection in the present.

Watch for black-and-white thinking. “Either my spouse wants me or they don’t.” “Either our sex life is great or it’s terrible.” “Either I have desire or I don’t.” Reality exists in shades of gray. Your spouse can want you and also not want sex right now. Your sex life can have both challenges and moments of genuine connection. You can experience desire in some contexts and not in others.

And probably the biggest indicator that your brain is lying: when the thought creates defensiveness, hopelessness, or disconnection rather than curiosity and possibility. True thoughts, even difficult ones, tend to create space for understanding and growth. Brain lies create walls.

What to Do When Your Brain Is Lying

First, recognize that having these thoughts doesn’t make you bad or broken. Every single person listening to this has a brain that tells them lies about sex. This is normal human neurobiology interacting with a vulnerable, uncertain, relational experience. You’re not uniquely messed up.

Second, practice noticing the thoughts without believing them. You can acknowledge “I’m having the thought that my spouse doesn’t find me attractive” without concluding that this thought is true. There’s a difference between having a thought and accepting it as reality.

One of my clients, Vanessa, started keeping a mental note every time her brain told her a lie about sex. Not to beat herself up about it, but just to notice. “There’s that thought again that says Derek doesn’t want me.” “There’s the thought that I should want sex more than I do.” “There’s the thought that if I say no, he’ll be angry.” Just the act of noticing helped her recognize these as thoughts her brain was producing, not facts about her reality.

Third, check your thoughts against actual evidence. When your brain tells you “my spouse never wants sex,” look at the actual data. When was the last time you had sex? Have there been times when your spouse initiated? Have there been times when they seemed genuinely engaged and present? You’re not trying to talk yourself into believing everything is fine if it’s not – you’re trying to see reality accurately instead of through the filter of your brain’s protective lies.

Fourth, talk to your spouse. This is vulnerable, and your brain will tell you all sorts of lies about why you shouldn’t do this. But so many of the lies your brain tells you about sex would be dismantled by honest conversation. When Nathan finally told Gabrielle “I have this thought that you don’t love me when you’re not interested in sex,” Gabrielle was shocked. She had no idea that’s what he was making it mean. She was able to help him see that her interest in sex and her love for him were completely separate things.

Fifth, get curious instead of certain. Your brain wants certainty because certainty feels safe. But certainty based on lies creates more problems than uncertainty. When you notice your brain telling you a story about sex, ask yourself: “What else could be true?” “What am I not seeing?” “What might I be missing about what’s really going on?”

When Claire’s brain told her she was broken and asexual, she believed it with certainty. That certainty felt safer than the uncertainty of “maybe I’m not broken, maybe something else is going on, maybe there’s a possibility for change.” But that certainty kept her stuck. When she finally got curious – “What if I’m not broken? What if my lack of desire is about something else? What might that something else be?” – she started to see possibilities she couldn’t see before.

And finally, be patient with yourself. You didn’t develop these brain patterns overnight, and you won’t change them overnight. Your brain has been telling you these lies for years, maybe decades. It’s going to take time and practice to recognize them, question them, and develop new, more accurate ways of thinking about sex in your marriage.

The goal isn’t to never have these thoughts. The goal is to recognize them as your brain’s protective mechanism rather than truth, and to develop the capacity to question them, test them against reality, and choose responses based on accuracy rather than fear.

Your brain is trying to help you. It’s trying to keep you safe. It’s trying to protect you from pain and vulnerability and uncertainty. But in its attempts to protect you, it’s often keeping you from the very connection and intimacy you desire. When you can recognize the lies for what they are – well-meaning but inaccurate stories – you create space for truth, for curiosity, for genuine connection, and for a sexual relationship based on reality rather than fear.

Identifying the lies your brain tells you, working on developing new thoughts that are actually true, and seeing what those new thoughts create in your marriage – this is exactly what we work on in coaching. If you’re finding that these brain lies are keeping you stuck, if you’re struggling to recognize them or question them on your own, if you want help creating a sexual relationship based on truth rather than fear, reach out. I’d love to work with you.

Alright my friends, that’s all I have for you today. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Happy New Year, and I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.