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Today’s topic is one that might shake up some of the preconceived notions about marriage and sexuality: breaking free of typical marriage and sexual archetypes. Let’s explore what these archetypes are, how they are shaped, the benefits and problems they bring, and why it’s crucial to break free from them. Plus, I’ll give you a step-by-step guide on how to do just that.

Consider some of the typical marriage and sexual archetypes that we follow. Often, these are shaped by familial and religious culture, media portrayals or societal expectations and they might not reflect who we truly are or what we genuinely want.

Society has long-standing traditions and norms that dictate what roles men and women should play.  Movies, TV shows, and books often reinforce these stereotypes by portraying characters in these roles. The roles we see in our own families growing up heavily influence our expectations for our marriages. And many religious teachings promote specific roles for husbands and wives.

At first glance, these archetypes can offer some benefits.  They provide a clear framework and set expectations, making it easier to know what’s expected of you. They offer a sense of stability and tradition, which can be comforting. They help individuals form a part of their identity based on these roles. And they serve as a guide for behavior within a relationship, reducing ambiguity.

Despite these benefits, these archetypes often lead to significant issues: They can stifle individual growth by forcing people into predefined roles. When one partner feels confined or unfulfilled, it can lead to resentment. These roles often perpetuate inequality, with one partner (usually the woman) having less power and autonomy. Sexual archetypes can create unrealistic expectations and pressures, leading to dissatisfaction and disconnection.  And strict adherence to roles can cause conflict when one partner steps outside their traditional role.

I would suggest you take time with your partner to discuss any of these archetypes that resonate with you. Talk about how they might be influencing your relationship and whether they align with your true values and desires.  Are you acting out of habit or expectation or from your true, loving self. This can lead to more authentic and fulfilling interactions both in and out of the bedroom.

When we break free of archetypes this allows for:

• Personal Growth: Both partners can explore their true selves without being confined by traditional roles.
• Equality: It promotes a more balanced, equal partnership.
• Deeper Connection: Authentic interactions and understanding improve intimacy and connection.
• Flexibility: It allows couples to adapt and change as their relationship evolves.
• Enhanced Sexuality: It opens the door to more fulfilling and diverse sexual experiences.

Archetypes

So let’s talk about the different archetypes and then we will discuss how to break free from them

• The Provider Husband and Homemaker Wife

One of the most common archetypes is the traditional provider-husband and homemaker-wife dynamic. This archetype suggests that the husband’s primary role is to work and provide financially, while the wife’s role is to manage the home and care for the children.

Example: A husband might feel pressured to work long hours to provide for his family, even if it means sacrificing time with his loved ones. Meanwhile, the wife might feel obligated to keep a perfect home and manage all child-rearing responsibilities, even if she has personal career aspirations.

• The Selfless Caregiver

Another common archetype is the selfless caregiver, often applied to women. This archetype expects the wife to prioritize her husband’s and children’s needs above her own, often to the point of neglecting her own well-being.

Example: A wife might consistently put her husband’s and children’s needs before her own, feeling guilty if she takes time for self-care or personal interests. This can lead to burnout and resentment over time.

• The Stoic Husband

The stoic husband archetype portrays men as emotionally reserved and strong, avoiding vulnerability or displays of emotion. This can create a barrier to emotional intimacy in a marriage.

Example: A husband might struggle to express his feelings or discuss personal struggles with his wife, believing that he needs to be strong and stoic at all times. This can lead to emotional distance and misunderstandings in the relationship.

• The Perfect Wife and Mother

This archetype expects women to be perfect wives and mothers, excelling in all areas of domestic life without showing any signs of struggle or imperfection.

Example: A wife might feel pressure to have a spotless home, cook gourmet meals, and be involved in all aspects of her children’s lives while also maintaining a flawless appearance. The unrealistic expectations can cause stress and feelings of inadequacy.

• The Sexually Passive Wife and Dominant Husband

In terms of sexual relationships, there’s often an archetype where the husband is the dominant, initiating partner, and the wife is passive, expected to follow his lead and cater to his desires.  His role is to desire and hers is to be desirable.

Example: A wife might feel uncomfortable expressing her own sexual desires or initiating intimacy, believing that her role is to satisfy her husband’s needs. This can lead to a lack of mutual satisfaction and a feeling of disconnect in their sexual relationship.

• The Savior Husband

The savior husband archetype involves the expectation that the husband will “rescue” his wife from any problems, taking on a protective, almost paternal role.

Example: A husband might feel the need to solve all his wife’s problems, even when she is capable of handling them herself. This can inadvertently undermine her sense of autonomy and competence.

• The Dutiful Wife

The dutiful wife archetype emphasizes submission and obedience to the husband’s authority, often rooted in traditional religious teachings.

Example: A wife might suppress her own opinions and desires to avoid conflict and maintain peace in the marriage, believing that her duty is to support her husband’s decisions without question.

• The Sexually Pious Couple

This archetype involves a couple (or individuals) who adhere strictly to religious teachings about sex, often viewing it as a duty or only for procreation rather than a source of mutual pleasure and connection.

Example: A couple might avoid discussing their sexual desires or preferences, believing that such conversations are inappropriate or sinful. This can lead to a lack of communication and fulfillment in their sexual relationship.

Breaking Free from Archetypes

Did you identify an archetype that sounds like you or your marriage?  Recognizing these archetypes is the first step in breaking free from their constraints. It’s important to question whether these roles and expectations truly reflect who you are and what you want in your marriage and sexual relationship.

Example: If you always handle household chores because your mom did, note this as part of your archetype.

After you have identified the archetypes, discuss these roles openly with your spouse. Share how they make you feel and listen to your partner’s perspective.

Example: “I feel overwhelmed managing all the household chores. Can we discuss a more balanced approach?”

Together, if your spouse is willing, question the origins of these roles and whether they truly serve you and your relationship.

Example: Consider why you believe the man should always be the primary breadwinner.

Then you can start to redefine your roles together and create new roles based on your individual strengths, preferences, and mutual respect.

Example: If one partner enjoys cooking more, they can take on that role, regardless of gender.

A more egalitarian approach to marriage and the sexual relationship can be helpful.  Also be flexible and be open to changing roles as needed. Life circumstances change, and so can your roles.

Example: If one partner loses their job, the other might become the primary breadwinner temporarily.

If you need help redefining your relationship and roles within it, consider coaching.  I can help you with tools and strategies for effective communication and role adjustment.

And make sure you acknowledge and celebrate the steps you’ve taken towards a more balanced and authentic relationship.

Breaking free from traditional marriage and sexual archetypes can be challenging, but the rewards are immense. By embracing more authentic roles, you can foster a stronger, more equal, and more fulfilling relationship. Remember, breaking free from these archetypes is not just about changing roles; it’s about creating a partnership where both individuals can thrive.