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You know that feeling when your spouse walks past you in the kitchen and doesn’t even glance your way? Or when you’ve put effort into looking nice and they’re scrolling through their phone? That ache you feel? That’s the desire to be desired. And it’s one of the most fundamental longings we have in marriage.

I was talking with a client last week—let’s call her Gretchen—and she said something that stuck with me: “I don’t just want him to have sex with me. I want him to want me. There’s a massive difference.” And she’s absolutely right. We can have all the physical connection in the world, but if we don’t feel chosen, if we don’t feel genuinely desired, something essential is missing.

Why Being Desired Matters So Much

When we feel desired by our spouse, something shifts in us. We stand a little taller. We feel more confident. We engage more fully in the relationship. Being desired tells us we matter—not just for what we do or provide, but for who we are. It says, “Out of everyone, I choose you. I want you.”

Research on attachment and connection consistently shows that feeling chosen by our partner is tied to relationship satisfaction and individual well-being. When we know our spouse actively wants us—not needs us, but genuinely desires our presence, our body, our company—it creates a secure base from which we can show up more authentically in every area of our lives.

I was coaching a couple—let’s call them Trevor and Vanessa—and Trevor described it perfectly. He said, “When Vanessa looks at me like she can’t wait to be alone with me later, I feel like I could take on the world. But when weeks go by and she’s just going through the motions, I start wondering if I even matter to her anymore.”

Because being desired isn’t just about sex or physical attraction. It’s about being chosen—in thoughts, in words, in deeds, in feelings. It’s knowing that your spouse chooses you over other people, over other things, over distractions and obligations.

When your spouse chooses you in their thoughts, they’re dwelling on what they appreciate about you instead of fixating on your flaws. They’re thinking about you during the day with warmth instead of resentment. They’re fantasizing about being with you instead of imagining life with someone else.

When they choose you in their words, they’re speaking well of you to others. They’re complimenting you instead of constantly criticizing. They’re saying “I want you” instead of just “I need you to do this.”

When they choose you in their deeds, they’re putting down their phone when you walk in the room. They’re prioritizing time with you over other activities. They’re making small choices every day that say “you matter more than this other thing.”

And when they choose you in their feelings, they’re allowing themselves to feel desire and attraction for you instead of shutting it down. They’re leaning into fondness instead of guarding their heart. They’re choosing to see you as desirable instead of taking you for granted.

That’s what it means to be desired. To be chosen, repeatedly, in all these ways.

The Different Ways We Experience This

The interesting thing about desire is that we don’t all experience the lack of it the same way. Some of us are starving for our spouse to show they want us. We’re initiating, trying to connect, and getting shut down or met with indifference. That’s one kind of painful.

But then there’s another experience—when your spouse does seem to want you, but only in specific, limited ways. And that creates its own kind of loneliness.

A lot of women tell me they feel like their husband only desires their body, not them as a whole person. He wants sex. He wants physical intimacy. But does he want to know what you’re thinking? Does he want to hear about your day? Does he desire your perspective, your company, your presence? Or does he just want access to your body?

And here’s where it gets complicated: sometimes that’s actually true. Sometimes your spouse really is only interested in the physical and has checked out emotionally. But other times—and this is important—our conditioning is telling us that story even when it’s not accurate.

Many women were raised with messages that men only want one thing, that sexual desire is shallow or base, that if your husband wants you sexually it must mean he doesn’t value you intellectually or emotionally. So even when our spouse genuinely desires all of us, we filter it through this lens and assume the sexual desire is the only “real” part.

I worked with Gretchen, and she kept saying, “He only wants me for sex.” But when we dug into it, her husband regularly asked about her work, wanted to go on dates, initiated conversations about deeper topics. He did desire her as a whole person. But because he also desired her sexually—and expressed that desire more visibly than the other kinds—she’d convinced herself the sexual desire was the only real desire. Her conditioning told her that sexual desire and genuine valuing couldn’t coexist.

Now, sometimes it is true. Sometimes your spouse really has reduced you to a function—sexual release—and isn’t interested in you as a full human being. That’s real and that’s painful. But before we jump to that conclusion, we need to ask ourselves: Is my spouse actually only desiring me for sex? Or have I been taught that sexual desire is somehow less legitimate than other forms of desire?

Men deal with a similar dynamic, just around a different function. A lot of men tell me they feel like they’re only desired for their paycheck. Like their wife values them as a provider but not as a person. She wants the financial security. She wants the lifestyle. But does she actually want him? Does she desire his company, his thoughts, his body? Or is he just a means to an end—the person who makes the money so she can have the life she wants?

And again, sometimes that’s true. Sometimes your spouse has reduced you to your earning potential and isn’t interested in you beyond that role. But other times, we’re carrying messages we learned growing up—that our value is in what we provide, that love is transactional, that if we’re not producing we’re not worthy of desire. So even when our spouse does desire us for who we are, we can’t see it because we’re so convinced we’re only valuable for what we do.

The reality is that healthy desire encompasses all of you—your body, your mind, your personality, your presence. Sexual desire isn’t less than emotional desire. Being attracted to your spouse’s body doesn’t mean you don’t also value their mind. And appreciating that your spouse works hard to provide doesn’t mean you can’t also desire them physically and emotionally.

But sometimes the desire is there but it’s expressed in ways that don’t land well. Like when your spouse only seems interested in you when they want sex, but the rest of the time you’re basically roommates. That’s not really being desired—that’s being wanted for a function. Or when your spouse is affectionate and engaged when you’re having a good income month, but distant when money is tight. That reveals what’s actually being desired.

The question we need to ask ourselves is: Am I being desired as a whole person, or am I being wanted for what I provide? And equally important: Am I interpreting my spouse’s desire accurately, or am I filtering it through old messages that aren’t serving me?

What “Being Desired” Actually Means

Being desired is different from being needed. This distinction matters tremendously. When your spouse needs you—needs you to do the dishes, needs you to handle bedtime, needs you for a paycheck, needs you to have sex so they can feel okay—that’s about them getting their requirements met. It often feels like pressure or obligation.

But desire? Desire is about want. It’s “I want to be near you. I want to touch you. I want to know what you’re thinking. I want to hear you laugh.” Desire is expansive. It’s curious. It has energy and aliveness to it.

Remember Trevor and Vanessa? Trevor kept saying, “But I do need her. I need sex. That’s just biology.” And I had to help him see that framing it as a need was actually killing Vanessa’s desire. Because when she feels needed for sex, she becomes a means to an end. But when Trevor can shift to “I want you, I desire you, being with you brings me joy and pleasure”—that’s something Vanessa can feel good about responding to.

The same goes for emotional connection. When you need your spouse to make you feel okay, to regulate your emotions, to be your entire support system—that’s pressure. But when you want their company, when you desire their perspective, when connecting with them adds to your already-okay life? That’s attractive.

Why We All Long For This

So why does being desired matter so much? Part of it is evolutionary—we’re wired to want to be chosen by our mate. But it goes deeper than that. Being desired tells us we’re valuable. It tells us we’re not just tolerated or accepted, but actively wanted.

In a world where so much of life can feel obligatory—we have to go to work, we have to pay bills, we have to do laundry—knowing that our spouse genuinely wants us, not because they should or because it’s their duty, but because they actually desire us? That’s powerful.

I think about a couple I worked with—let’s call them Nina and Patrick—who came to me after twenty-three years of marriage. Patrick told me, “My wife and I are good partners. We run a household together efficiently. But sometimes I look at her across the dinner table and I realize we’ve become so functional that we’ve forgotten to want each other. And I miss that. I miss feeling like she can’t wait to be alone with me.” That longing for desire doesn’t go away just because you’ve been married for decades.

What Happens When We Don’t Feel Desired

The absence of desire creates a specific kind of loneliness. You can be in the same house, even in the same bed, and feel utterly alone because you don’t feel wanted. Over time, this erodes our sense of self. We start wondering what’s wrong with us. We question our attractiveness, our value, our worth.

And it’s not just uncomfortable—it’s deeply, achingly painful. When your spouse doesn’t desire you, when they look past you instead of at you, when they treat you like furniture in your own home—that pain lives in your body. It sits in your chest. It keeps you up at night. It makes you feel small and invisible and unwanted in the one relationship where you should feel most seen and most chosen.

You watch other couples who still seem to want each other, and it feels like a knife twisting. You see the way they touch casually, the way they smile at each other, the way there’s still energy between them. And you wonder what’s wrong with you. Why doesn’t your spouse look at you that way? Why are you not enough?

And it’s not just that they’re not choosing you—it’s that they’re choosing other things instead. They choose their phone over conversation with you. They choose their friends, their hobbies, their work over time with you. They choose scrolling social media over looking at you. Every time they make that choice, you feel it. You feel unchosen. You feel like you’re losing a competition to things that shouldn’t even be in the running.

The pain of not being desired by your spouse is a unique kind of rejection. This isn’t a stranger passing you by. This is the person who promised to choose you, who stood in front of everyone and said “you’re the one I want.” And now you feel like they don’t want you at all. Or worse—they need you for what you do, but they don’t desire who you are.

I coached a couple—let’s call them Paul and Felicia. Paul almost never initiated sex or physical affection with Felicia. And Felicia told me, “I started avoiding mirrors. I stopped wearing anything that might be considered attractive because what was the point? If my own husband doesn’t want me, why bother?” The lack of desire had seeped into how she saw herself. She’d stopped believing she was desirable at all.

But Paul was dealing with his own pain. He said, “I’ve tried everything. I’ve done more around the house, I’ve been more attentive, I’ve communicated better. And Felicia still doesn’t want me sexually. At some point, you just get angry because you feel like you’re doing everything right and it still doesn’t matter.” He felt like no matter what he did, he couldn’t make himself wanted by his own wife.

That pain—on both sides—was eating away at their marriage. It was creating bitterness and resentment and hopelessness. Because when you don’t feel desired by your spouse, you start to believe it’s permanent. You start to think this is just how it’s going to be forever. And that’s suffocating.

They were both starving for desire from each other, but neither one felt safe enough to show it.

And this is where protection comes in. Sometimes, not feeling desired leads us to shut down completely. We protect ourselves by not wanting anything at all. We stop initiating. We stop trying to look attractive for our spouse. We stop being playful or flirtatious. We put up walls.

This protection makes sense—it’s a survival mechanism. If you’ve been hurt by rejection over and over, your brain learns to avoid the situation that causes the pain. So you stop exposing yourself. You stop being vulnerable. You convince yourself you don’t even want what you’re not getting. It’s easier to tell yourself “I don’t care about sex anyway” than to keep wanting something you’re not receiving.

But that protection comes at a massive cost. When you shut down your desire to avoid pain, you shut down aliveness. You shut down connection. You shut down the very thing that could bring joy and energy to your marriage. You become roommates. Logistics partners. Co-parents. But you’re not lovers anymore. You’re not friends who delight in each other.

And the tragic part? Often both people are doing this. Both people have shut down to protect themselves. Both people are waiting for the other person to make the first move, to take the risk, to be vulnerable. So you end up in this stalemate where nobody’s showing desire because everybody’s protecting themselves from rejection.

Why Your Spouse Might Not Be Giving It

Before we jump to conclusions about our spouse not desiring us, we need to understand that desire is complex. There are so many reasons why your spouse might not be showing desire, and most of them aren’t actually about you.

Sometimes your spouse is genuinely exhausted. They’re running on empty from work stress, parenting demands, or health issues. Desire requires energy, and when you have none left, desire is one of the first things to go. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you or find you attractive—it means they’re depleted.

Trevor kept interpreting Vanessa’s lack of desire as rejection. But when we dug deeper, Vanessa was dealing with an extremely demanding job, her aging parents’ health concerns, and hormone changes that were affecting her body in ways she didn’t understand. She wasn’t not desiring Trevor—she wasn’t desiring anything. Her whole system was in survival mode.

Other times, desire is blocked by unresolved conflict or resentment. If your spouse is carrying hurt from previous interactions, if they feel criticized or controlled, if there’s an emotional wall between you—desire can’t flow. You can’t feel desire for someone when you’re simultaneously feeling angry at them or guarded around them.

And we have to be honest about this: sometimes your spouse isn’t showing desire because you’re not behaving in ways that are desirable. If you’re constantly critical, if you’re not taking care of your basic hygiene or health, if you’re treating them with contempt or disrespect, if you’re not showing up as a partner—those things affect desire. Desire isn’t unconditional. It responds to how we’re being treated and how we’re showing up in the relationship.

Then there’s the cultural and religious conditioning piece. Many of us were taught messages about our bodies and sexuality that make it hard to access desire. Women especially often learned that wanting sex makes them somehow less virtuous, or that their bodies exist for someone else’s pleasure rather than their own. Men often learned that they’re supposed to always want sex, which creates its own kind of pressure and shame when they don’t.

And we need to talk about how desire actually works, because sometimes it doesn’t work like we think it should. Men typically have higher levels of testosterone, which tends to fuel more spontaneous desire. They think about sex, they see their spouse looking attractive, and boom—they want sex. It’s more immediate, more physical, more like an engine that just turns on.

Women typically have far less testosterone. For most women, desire tends to be more responsive. Meaning it shows up in response to something—physical touch, emotional connection, feeling safe and relaxed. It’s not that women don’t desire sex or don’t want their spouse. It’s that their desire works differently.

But we expect women to look like men in this area. We expect them to wake up with spontaneous desire. We expect them to initiate the same way men do. We expect them to want sex out of nowhere, without any context or warm-up. And when they don’t, we assume something’s wrong. We assume they’re broken, or they don’t desire us, or they’re not attracted to us anymore.

The reality is, their desire is working exactly like it’s supposed to for most women. It’s responsive. It needs something to respond to. And when we adjust our expectations to match how desire actually works instead of how we think it should work, everything changes.

This doesn’t mean women never have spontaneous desire—some do, sometimes. And it doesn’t mean all men have spontaneous desire all the time either. But in general, expecting your wife to initiate sex the same way you do, with the same frequency, from the same kind of desire, is setting both of you up for disappointment. You’re expecting her biology to work like yours, and it doesn’t.

And sometimes—and this is hard to hear—your spouse might not be showing desire because of how that desire is being received. If every time they’ve initiated in the past they’ve been rejected, they stop trying. If their expressions of desire have been critiqued or corrected, they shut down. We all need safety to be vulnerable with our desire.

Now, we’ve been talking about why your spouse might not be showing desire. But let’s be honest—we also need to look at why we sometimes struggle to show it even when we feel it. Because this isn’t just about what our spouse is or isn’t doing. We have our own barriers to expressing desire.

Why It’s Hard For Us To Show Desire Sometimes

Sometimes we’re afraid of rejection. If you’ve been turned down multiple times, showing desire starts to feel too risky. It’s vulnerable to say “I want you” and then have that not be reciprocated. So we protect ourselves by hiding our desire. Maybe you used to tell your spouse all the time how attractive you found them, how much you wanted them. But if they brushed it off or made jokes or didn’t reciprocate, eventually you stopped saying anything because it felt pointless.

The problem is, protection becomes a pattern. What started as a reasonable response to actual rejection becomes your default mode. You’re protecting yourself from pain that might not even happen anymore. Your spouse might have worked through whatever was blocking their desire. They might be ready and willing to receive your expressions of desire now. But you’ve trained yourself to hide it, and breaking that pattern feels terrifying.

And protection feels safe in the moment, but it creates distance over time. Every time you choose to protect yourself instead of being vulnerable, you’re choosing safety over connection. You’re choosing to avoid potential pain at the cost of potential joy. You’re keeping yourself from the very intimacy you’re longing for.

But even beyond fear of rejection, sometimes we don’t show desire because it just feels too vulnerable. Too intimate. Expressing genuine desire for your spouse means revealing yourself—your wants, your attraction, your longing. That’s exposing. Even when you think it might be received well, even when your spouse might welcome it, the intimacy of that vulnerability can feel scary. So we hold back, we play it safe, we keep our desire hidden where it can’t be seen or judged or misunderstood.

Because showing desire isn’t just about the risk of rejection—it’s about being seen. When you tell your spouse “I want you,” you’re letting them see your hunger, your need for them, your longing. That’s incredibly vulnerable even in the best circumstances. It requires trust. It requires believing that your desire won’t be used against you or mocked or dismissed. And if that trust has been broken before, showing desire feels almost impossible.

Other times we’re not showing desire because we’re waiting for the “right” conditions. We tell ourselves we’ll be more affectionate when the house is cleaner, when we’re less stressed, when we have more time. But those conditions rarely arrive, and our spouse is left feeling unwanted while we’re waiting for the perfect moment that never comes.

And sometimes—let’s be honest—we’re not showing desire because we’ve gotten lazy. We’ve fallen into routines. We take our spouse for granted. We forget that desire needs to be expressed, not just felt internally. Our spouse can’t read our minds, and they need to hear and see and experience our desire for them.

So we’ve talked about all the reasons desire gets blocked—exhaustion, resentment, protection, fear, mismatched expectations about how desire should work. All of these barriers are real. But they don’t have to be permanent. And if you’re sitting here thinking about all the ways desire has been blocked in your marriage, especially if you’ve been protecting yourself for months or even years, the question becomes: what now?

How To Show Desire More Often

The first step is recognizing that protection, while understandable, is keeping you stuck. You’ve been protecting yourself from potential rejection, but you’re also protecting yourself from connection. And at some point, you have to decide which risk you’re willing to take—the risk of being vulnerable and possibly getting hurt, or the risk of staying safe and definitely staying disconnected.

Start small. If you’ve been shut down for a long time, you don’t have to go from zero to fully vulnerable overnight. You can take baby steps. You can dip your toe in the water instead of diving into the deep end.

Start with noticing. Pay attention to the moments when you do feel desire for your spouse—not just sexual desire, but all the forms it takes. When you’re glad they’re home. When you appreciate something they said. When you find them attractive. Don’t just think it—express it. Even if it feels awkward at first. Even if your self-protection mechanisms are screaming at you not to.

And as you practice expressing desire, pay attention to where you’re choosing your spouse and where you’re choosing other things. Because desire shows up in how we choose—in our thoughts, our words, our deeds, and our feelings.

In your thoughts: What are you dwelling on about your spouse? Are you replaying the annoying thing they did this morning, or are you remembering the way they made you laugh yesterday? Are you comparing them to other people and finding them lacking, or are you appreciating what’s good about who you married? Your thoughts are where you choose them first. And if you’re constantly choosing resentment or comparison in your thoughts, desire doesn’t stand a chance.

In your words: How are you speaking to them? How are you speaking about them when they’re not around? Are you complaining about them to your friends, or are you defending them? Are you criticizing them, or are you complimenting them? Your words reveal who and what you’re actually choosing.

In your deeds: What are you prioritizing? When your spouse comes home, do you put down your phone, or do you keep scrolling? When they want to spend time with you, do you make excuses, or do you say yes? Are you choosing work over them, hobbies over them, your phone over them? Small choices add up. And when you consistently choose other things, your spouse feels it.

In your feelings: Are you allowing yourself to feel desire and attraction, or are you shutting it down? When you notice something attractive about your spouse, do you lean into that feeling or dismiss it? Are you choosing to cultivate fondness and warmth, or are you protecting yourself by staying numb?

And be specific. Instead of “You look nice,” try “I love the way you look in that color—it makes your eyes stand out and I can’t stop looking at you.” Instead of “Thanks for dinner,” try “You made my favorite meal and I appreciate that you remembered what I like. I’m glad I’m married to someone so thoughtful.”

When your spouse walks in the door from work, put down your phone and actually greet them. Make eye contact. Smile. Say “I’m glad you’re home” like you mean it. That thirty-second interaction sets the tone for the entire evening.

Or when you’re getting ready in the morning, take a moment to notice something you find attractive about your spouse and tell them. “I love watching you get ready for the day.” “You look really good in those jeans.” “I’m attracted to you.” These don’t have to be elaborate—just true.

Physical touch matters tremendously. Remember Paul and Felicia? When we started working together, Paul complained that Felicia never initiated sex. But when we looked closely, Felicia almost never touched Paul throughout the day either. No hand on his arm when they talked. No kiss when he left for work. No cuddling on the couch. She’d disconnected physically across the board, and then wondered why initiating sex felt so awkward.

She’d been protecting herself from rejection for so long that touch had become almost foreign. So we started with the smallest possible step—putting her hand on his shoulder when she walked past him in the kitchen. That’s it. No expectation beyond that. And once she realized he received it well, that he leaned into it instead of pulling away, she could take the next small step.

Your body is a powerful tool for communicating desire. Touch your spouse’s back when you walk past them in the kitchen. Hold their hand when you’re watching TV. Initiate a kiss that lasts more than two seconds when you’re saying goodbye. Sit close to them on the couch instead of on opposite ends. These small physical connections throughout the day keep desire alive between you.

If you’ve been protecting yourself through physical distance, these small touches might feel huge. That’s okay. Do them anyway. The discomfort you feel is your protection mechanism being challenged. Push through it. The more you practice being physically close, the more natural it becomes.

Desire isn’t just about the big moments—it’s built in small, consistent actions. Texting during the day to say you’re thinking about them. Choosing to sit next to them instead of across from them. Making eye contact that lasts a few seconds longer. Initiating a kiss that isn’t rushed or perfunctory.

And here’s something that might surprise you: sometimes we need to express desire even when we don’t feel it strongly in that moment. Now, I’m not talking about obligation sex or forcing something that isn’t there. But I am saying that desire can be responsive rather than spontaneous. You might not wake up feeling intense desire, but you can choose to lean into attraction and let desire build.

This is especially important if you’re someone with more responsive desire. You’re not broken if you’re not walking around thinking about sex all day. You’re not defective if you don’t initiate the way your spouse does. Your desire just works differently. It needs something to respond to.

So instead of waiting to feel desire before you do anything, you can start with small actions and let the desire follow. When you start with just a little appreciation for your spouse—noticing something you like about them, giving them a genuine compliment—you might feel your own desire start to kindle. When you accept a kiss and let it linger instead of cutting it short, desire can build. When you respond to touch instead of pulling away, you’re giving your desire something to respond to.

This isn’t being fake or dishonest. It’s understanding how your body actually works and working with it instead of against it. Action can actually create feeling. When you act with desire—touching, complimenting, choosing closeness—the feeling of desire often follows.

One more practical piece: create opportunities for desire. If you’re always exhausted, always busy, always stressed, desire has nowhere to grow. You need space in your life—space where you’re not in problem-solving mode or parent mode or employee mode. Maybe that’s a regular date night. Maybe it’s fifteen minutes after the kids go to bed where you actually talk to each other. Maybe it’s going to bed at the same time instead of hours apart.

Desire needs oxygen. It needs room to breathe. And that means being intentional about protecting time and energy for your marriage.

What This Creates In Your Marriage

When both people in a marriage feel genuinely desired, the entire relationship transforms. There’s more generosity, more playfulness, more resilience when challenges come. When you know your spouse wants you, you can weather disappointments and disagreements because you’re standing on a foundation of being chosen.

Remember Nina and Patrick, that couple married twenty-three years who’d become so functional they’d forgotten to want each other? Once they both started actively expressing desire—not just sexual desire, but desire for each other’s company, perspectives, and presence—everything shifted. Nina told me, “I feel like I got my best friend back. Patrick lights up when I walk in the room now, and I find myself doing the same thing. It’s like we remembered why we chose each other in the first place.”

When both people feel desired, sex gets better. Not just more frequent—actually better. Because when you know your spouse genuinely wants you and isn’t just going through the motions or fulfilling an obligation, you can relax into pleasure. You can be more adventurous. You can communicate more openly about what you want because you’re not operating from a place of scarcity or fear.

It also creates a positive feedback loop. When you feel desired, you become more desirable. You take better care of yourself. You’re more confident. You smile more. You engage more fully. And that makes you even more attractive to your spouse, which makes them express more desire, which makes you feel even better. It’s an upward spiral instead of the downward one we get stuck in when nobody feels wanted.

Your spouse will show up differently when they feel desired by you. They’ll be more patient with your flaws. They’ll be more willing to work through conflicts. They’ll invest more in the relationship because they feel valued in it. When someone knows they’re genuinely wanted, they can afford to be more generous because they’re not operating from a deficit.

And you’ll show up differently too. When you practice noticing and expressing desire for your spouse, you literally train your brain to see them more positively. You start noticing the things you appreciate instead of fixating on the things that annoy you. You become more attracted to them because you’re actively directing your attention to what’s attractive about them.

When you both commit to expressing desire more regularly, you create a marriage that feels alive. You create a relationship where both people know they’re wanted, not just needed. You build a foundation that can withstand the inevitable stresses and challenges of life.

This isn’t about creating fake desire or pretending to feel something you don’t. It’s about choosing to nurture and express the desire that’s there instead of letting it atrophy from neglect. It’s about remembering that you chose this person, and choosing them again, actively and repeatedly.

Nina and Patrick? Six months after we started working together, they’d completely rediscovered each other. Nina told me, “I feel like I’m dating my husband again. Not like we’re trying to recreate who we were when we first got married, but like we’re discovering who we are now and actually liking it. We flirt. We laugh. We can’t wait to be alone together. I didn’t think this was possible at our stage.”

It is possible. But it requires intentionality. It requires vulnerability. It requires choosing to see your spouse as someone to desire rather than someone who’s just there. And it requires expressing that desire consistently, not perfectly, but regularly enough that your spouse never has to wonder if you still want them.

So here’s my suggestion for this week: Express desire for your spouse at least once a day. Not “I love you” as you walk out the door—although that’s fine too. But genuine desire. “I’m so glad you’re my spouse.” “I was thinking about you today and smiling.” “I love the way you handled that situation.” “You’re really attractive to me.” “I want to spend time with you later.”

Watch what happens. Watch how they respond. Watch how you feel when you actively practice this. And then keep doing it, because a marriage where both people feel desired and chosen is worth every bit of effort it takes to create it.

Alright my friends, that’s all I have for you today. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.