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Are you an honest person?  I think most of us want to consider ourselves to be honest people, but are we truly?  For the most part, probably.  You probably try to be honest when talking to people.  You’re probably not one that goes around stealing things.  You probably are someone who would realize that you got too much change at the grocery store and return it. (Maybe that example is outdated…does anyone still use cash these days?  Maybe Dave Ramsey fans?)  But, yes, for the most part I think most of try to be honest.

But are we honest in our sexual relationship?  In Episode 94 I talked about the 6 principles of sexual health, and honesty is one of them.

Honesty with Ourselves

In our sexual relationship, the first person we need to be honest with, is ourselves.  What does that mean?  We need to be honest with who we are and who we were created to be.  

You are a sexual being, created in the image of your Heavenly Parents.  Denying that part of yourself by shutting off your sexuality is not being honest with who you are and who you were created to be.

You also need to be honest with yourself about your sexual experiences.  What is sex like for you? What do you feel and not feel?  What does pleasure feel like for you?  What is it like to experience sex in YOUR body? What turns you on and off? 

Most of got pretty used to turning off our sexual feelings during our teenage years…or if not turning them off, squashing them down.  Do you remember those experiences and what felt good for you?  What feels good for you now?

Sometimes it feels hard to be honest with others.  But it will be much easier to be honest with them if we are honest with ourselves first.

Honesty with our partner

In addition to being honest with yourself, like I said, you also need to be honest with your partner.  

Last week I talked about why we don’t talk about sex…because it feels vulnerable and uncomfortable.  But part of being honest with our partner is having those uncomfortable conversations.  Communicating with honest feelings with your partner strengthens connections.

So what does it mean to be honest with your partner?  

• It means telling them how you truly feel
• It means telling them what you want
• It means telling them what your experience was
• It means telling them about your past and possible STI’s

I was recently talking to a client about one of her sexual encounters with her husband.  She indicated that something in the encounter turned her off and so she completely disengaged mentally but continued to participate physically so her husband had no idea that she had disengaged.  We talked about how this wasn’t being honest in her sexual relationship and actually created a lack of intimacy and disconnection which is the opposite of what she wants to create with her spouse.

So what would have been the better thing to do in this situation?  The first thing we discussed was of course trying to get her mind to reengage.  But, if that wasn’t possible to stop the encounter and talk to her husband.  Let him know what was going on in her head and that she just wasn’t feeling it anymore.  Then, maybe make some suggestions to him that could fix things in the moment or in the future so that it doesn’t happen again.  

This approach seemed very different than anything she had ever considered before.  Of course her first instinct was to protect his feelings.  She didn’t want him to be upset or be upset with her.  But after more discussion she realized that it would actually create a closer relationship with him when she can be completely honest with him.

Another example I hear often that indicates us not being honest with our spouse is when we fake an orgasm.  It makes sense…we want our husbands to feel like they are doing a good job.  Many times their ego is attached to whether or not they can satisfy their wife.  But what does faking it actually do?  It creates dishonesty in the relationship.  It doesn’t create intimacy.  It doesn’t create connection.  Quite the opposite.

Why Are We Not Honest?

So why aren’t we honest?  Why aren’t we honest with ourselves and our partner?

1. We are trying to protect ourselves.  

We want to protect our own feelings and we don’t want to risk feeling hurt or rejected by our partner if they don’t like what we’ve shared.  This most often comes from a lack of confidence in ourselves and can be totally remedied with some coaching.  But, if you are truly afraid of your partner rejecting you and shaming you for your desires then you need to seek out some help.  Anyone purposely hurtful, shaming, and trying to humiliate you is absolutely NOT ok and you deserve so much better than that.

2. We are trying to protect our partners feelings.  

Of course you don’t want to hurt your partner on purpose.  But remember that their feelings come from their thoughts.  And if you want to create a truly intimate relationship you need to be open to giving and receiving what the partnership needs to create that.  Which in large part…is honesty!

The Benefits of Being Honest

1. Create more intimacy and connection.  

When we can know and be known that is what truly creates the most amazing intimacy and connection.  When we are willing to not hold back and bare all that creates the most celestial relationships.

2. Everyone will be happier and more satisfied when we are honest about what we want and need.

Think about it.  If you can share with your partner what you want and need to be satisfied in the bedroom and they actually do it…WOW!  Most men I know of really want to satisfy their wife in bed.  So if they can know how to best do that…then heck yeah!  And you are going to feel so much better about yourself when you are honest.

3. Honesty definitely creates a steamier relationship when we can open up to our partners inner fantasies and desires.

We talked about fantasies a few weeks ago.  When both of you open to to each other and truly seeing each other and connecting.  Wow!  Amazing connection and GREAT SEX!

4. No more resentment 

When we aren’t being honest with our own wants, needs, and desires and instead choose to put our partners ahead of ours, resentment builds.  When we can honor our own desires AND our partners, then we can have a truly intimate relationship.

How To Be More Honest

Some questions to ask yourself so that you can be more honest with yourself and your spouse when it comes to sex.

1. What is something I have been refusing to see in myself?
2. What is something that I haven’t told my spouse but I want to?
3. How am I contributing to the lack of intimacy and connection in our relationship?
4. What can I do to be more honest and make things better?

Honesty creates a truly intimate and connecting relationship.  When we can be honest with ourselves and our partner then we can say “I love you enough to tell you the truth.”