Does your orgasm take too long? This is a complaint I hear all of the time from my clients. We as women are culturally trained that our needs are secondary to our husband’s and children’s needs. This is what makes us good wives and mothers, or so we’re taught. So, we often worry about how much time it takes us to orgasm. About whether our husband is bored. About whether we’re being selfish to even want to orgasm. Let’s talk about orgasms in this episode. You are well worth the time!
Does your orgasm take too long? That’s what we are going to address in today’s podcast, because this is a very common complaint I hear from a lot of women. I think there are several things we need to address here.
First off, I think we need to talk about what is normal for women. Often, we are comparing a woman’s orgasm to a man’s orgasm, which I think is the first mistake. We were made differently for a reason, so we don’t need to compare!
Men can typically orgasm in 5-8 minutes. Biologically speaking, this makes a lot of sense because typically a man’s orgasm coincides with ejaculation, which is needed to perpetuate the species. A man’s orgasm needs to be pretty much a guarantee, happen quickly, and be precise in order for conception. So biologically, it makes sense for it to happen much quicker. Also, men typically have a more spontaneous desire. They need very little stimulation for arousal and then subsequent orgasm and ejaculation.
What is normal for women? Not 5-8 minutes, that’s for sure. Biologically, a woman’s orgasm is not needed for conception, so it doesn’t need to be guaranteed, quick, or precise. Typical time from orgasm is 40-60 minutes. Women typically need 20-25 minutes of non-genital touch in order to be aroused enough where touching her vulva actually feels good. Touching it too early can be painful and doesn’t do a lot of good if she’s not already getting aroused. Then it typically takes another 20-25 minutes of genital touch to get to orgasm.
A woman’s orgasm is a lot more complex than a man’s therefore takes a lot longer. It’s not just a matter of stimulation, but also her mind and body have to be ready. She needs to be emotionally and mentally in the right place. Most women have a more responsive desire. Things have to be “just right” in order for her to get to a place where she can orgasm. Her sexual brakes (as we talked about in Episode 86) have to be lifted as well as pushing on her sexual accelerator.
Now, many women find this discrepancy a little frustrating. I think a lot of us would like to have a chat with God when we get to the hereafter and ask why we were made this way. But, as I’ve worked with more and and more women, I have some ideas.
In a 2018 study conducted about orgasm latency – the amount of time it takes to climax – researchers recruited over 2300 women (average age was 29 years) to take part in a survey. Women answered questions about their medical and sexual histories, lifestyles, sexual arousal, orgasms, and any related distress.
The study showed that women have a much longer latency during partnered sex than they do with solo sex, or masturbation. So why does partnered orgasms take longer? The study gave us a few clues:
1. Because women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, and the stimulation needed is usually less intense during partnered sex.
So whether it’s just not as intense because as women we don’t communicate what we need or maybe he’s just not doing it right, that might have something to do with it.
2. Women tend to focus more on intimacy and trust when they are with a partner and more on pleasure during masturbation.
We want the connection, so when we are with our spouse, a lot of times pleasure (ie. Orgasm) is secondary. Although 60% of women in the study said that orgasms during partnered sex were more satisfying than masturbation.
3. Relationship satisfaction was associated with shorter latency.
So basically the more connected and satisfied you are in your relationship, the less time it takes to orgasm.
4. Longer time to climax was linked to poor arousal and distress over orgasm difficulties.
So if you aren’t taking the proper time for full arousal and you’re worried about having an orgasm at all, it’s probably going to take longer.
What this study found was very similar to what I see with the women I work with. As women, we are caretakers. We have been cultured to believe that much of our value and worth come from us being good wives and mothers. That our needs are secondary to our husband and children. This belief very much translates to the bedroom. So whether we feel like we have to take care of our husbands sexual needs or that is just what a good woman does, it’s pretty typical that we are not worrying as much about our own sexual satisfaction as we are our husbands. So, if and when, our orgasm takes longer than his did, it can feel unnecessary or even selfish of us to expect him to spend the time needed for us to have ours.
Ladies, why do we not consider our physical pleasure just as important as his? Are we not worth the time it takes? We are so busy worrying about “maybe he’s bored” or “maybe he’s too tired” to consider that we are worth every minute that it takes. I want you to really ask yourself that question. Why are you not worth the time?
I actually think that God designed it this way on purpose. We spend so much of our life serving those around us, I think this is the time where we get to slow down and be served. To be taken care of. To be nurtured. This is the greatest form of self-care. Where we can get in touch with ourselves, our essence, and who we were created to be.
I was recently exchanging DM’s with a woman who was pretty perturbed that there was such a discrepancy in sex. “It’s just so easy for men. Why do I have to do mental gymnastics in order for it to work for me?” And she said that “there was no way [she] could realistically ever expect nurturing and serving to be part of her husband’s intentions for sex.” But, it doesn’t really need to be his intention, but you can choose to think about it that way if you want to.
Most men I know are happy to nurture and serve their wives this way. The nature of men’s sexuality is very service oriented and generous. They get excitement and pleasure from seeing their wives excitement and pleasure. Most men I know aren’t bored when it comes to pleasuring their wife. They will take as long as she needs in order for her to achieve orgasm. They want her to experience the pleasure they know is possible. They love their wives and want this for them and wish their wives understood and wanted it as much for themselves. So ask yourself, are you being a good receiver of his love, attention, and affection?
If your husband is not this way, I’m sorry. Some men are more selfish in general and selfish in bed. They don’t understand the nature of a woman’s sexuality and have looked to media and porn to get their education. They may even have had other sexual partners that it was different with. Every woman is different. Every sexual relationship is different. If him understanding YOU is important, then you must first understand yourself and work to teach him about you. If he is unwilling to give you the time you need, then I would have a serious conversation about that and consider what you are willing or not willing to do for him. Not as a punishment. But it’s hard to feel safe, vulnerable, and intimate with someone who is so inconsiderate of your own desires. Do you want to continue putting yourself in that position? Something to consider.
I have found that when women continue to put themselves in a position of servicing their husbands when it is not being reciprocated it destroys their relationship with themselves (as we talked about last week) as well as causes resentment in their marriage and sexual relationship. Resentment is a sign that you are not meeting your own needs. You are not advocating for what you need for yourself.
So let’s talk about what you can actually do to shorten the amount of time it takes to have an orgasm.
1. Prepare your mind ahead of time
Like I said earlier, in order to orgasm, you need to have your head in the right space. This means that you start thinking about things that turn you on long before you head to the bedroom. Fantasize about the last good sexual encounter that you had. Fantasize about what you want the next one to be like. Where do you want to be touched? How do you want to be touched? How are you going to touch him? What are you going to wear? Set the mood.
Does reading a good romance or watching a romantic movie get you in the mood? If so, do that!
Make sure your sexual brakes are off. Do you have a hard time staying present when there are dishes in the sink? Make sure they get done. Are you worried about the kids disturbing you? Get them down to bed. Does the thought of someone hearing you turn you off? Get a white noise machine. Identify your specific brakes and work to get them off beforehand.
Also make sure that you connect with yourself. We can’t be in mommy-mode and sexy wife mode at the same time. So make sure you take some time to connect to you. Let your husband know that you need a bit of time and that he’s got the house and the kids. Go for a run. Read a book. Take a bubble bath. Go to a yoga class. Whatever you need to feel like yourself is going to make it so that your mind is much more clear and can easily move into the sexual realm.
2. Prepare your body ahead of time
After your run while you are showing off or during your bubble bath, maybe take a few minutes to touch yourself or use a vibrator to help warm things up. You don’t need to bring yourself all the way to orgasm, just get things started. But, if you do decide to bring yourself all the way to orgasm (which does happen faster in solo sex, remember), or close to orgasm, subsequent orgasms with your spouse will happen much quicker.
3. Understand yourself and what works for you mentally/fantasize
If you’ve taken the time either on your own or with your spouse to get to know your body and mind and what it needs, you’re going to be able to get there quicker. Maybe it’s a certain fantasy. Maybe it’s a way of him touching you. The more you know, the better it will be.
4. Use a toy or vibrator
I’m a big fan of using vibrators and toys as a way to help women have better orgasms. For some reason, many women are reluctant to use them, thinking that it will somehow take away from their experience with their spouse, or that their spouse may not like it. I address all of these concerns and more in Episode 139 – Why You Need a Vibrator. Vibrators can supply the needed stimulation that a woman needs in order to orgasm more quickly and regularly.