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Last week we talked all about the different types of basic sex toys you can introduce into your sexual relationship.  I did discuss a little bit of the benefits, but this week I really want to dig into how a vibrator can really enhance your relationship and be a good thing for both of you.

Now, we know that Viagra really changed things for men in the sexual realm.  Well, the vibrator really changed things for women.  It basically assured them of an orgasm…finally!

I have had many, many clients, really too many clients, who have never had an orgasm.   This is a travesty.  And it’s no wonder that they aren’t enjoying sex with their spouse when they aren’t having orgasms.  I know there are many men out there, who are doing everything they can to help their wives have pleasure and orgasm during sex, but there are also many uneducated men who are just used to seeing sex in porn (which is not actually educational) and think that a woman is supposed to orgasm through penetration.  That RARELY happens.  Most women can not orgasm through penetration alone.  They need direct clitoral stimulation.  And some women need A LOT of it.  Some women need more than humanly possible through manual or oral stimulation.  Thank heavens for the vibrator so that these women can actually have an orgasm.

So, if you are a woman that has not had an orgasm, then I highly recommend you go and get yourself a vibrator.  Or husband, buy your wife one.  Because this will most likely change things.

But, if you are one of those women that have tried a vibrator and it’s still not happening, that means it’s mental and you need to come see me so that I can teach you how to discipline your mind enough to let go.  I know it seems very counterintuitive, but this is one of the things I teach women to do, if they need it, in my program.  How to discipline their mind so they can achieve the results that they want to…even an orgasm.  And, I’m very good at my job.

The reason why I advocate so highly for using a vibrator is that it basically ensures women an orgasm.  And that is important.  Now, don’t just try one type of vibrator one time.  You might have to find the right kind of vibrator for you and try multiple times to figure it out.  But, orgasm is so much easier with a vibrator.

I’m all for women using vibrators by themselves to educate themselves about their bodies.  Sometimes it can be intimidating to try this in front of a partner.  But this does not have to be a solo activity.  A vibrator can be used together.  I actually recommend that once a woman knows how to use it to have an orgasm that she does use it with her husband and he spends that time focusing on pleasuring her in other ways.  Touching her.  Caressing her.  Kissing her.  In all different areas.  Some of the best orgasms can be with penetration AND clitoral stimulation.  So if you can find a vibrator that works during penetration for you, great!  Or it can even just be him putting his fingers inside you while you use the vibrator externally.  This can be totally erotic, sensual, exhilarating, and orgasmic for both parties.

A vibrator can absolutely help women who do already know how to orgasm as well.  Of course, we have those occasional long drawn out sessions of making love when we are on vacation or maybe on a weekend morning.  But let’s be realistic.  Most of the time, sex needs to be fairly quick.  We’ve got kids, jobs, we are tired.  We don’t have time for a two-hour lovemaking session.  And women typically need quite a while (45-60 minutes) to go from zero to climax.  Mama ain’t got time for that!  So one of the other great things about a vibrator is that it can really speed up the process once you know how it works for you.  I know many women who can orgasm in under 10 minutes if they use a vibrator.  So…quickies don’t have to be just about him.  They can be about you too!

It’s often a big concern for men that maybe the vibrator will replace them.  A vibrator will never replace the human connection we get.  We want connection and intimacy and we can’t get that from an inanimate object.  A vibrator can not replace the caressing and touching we want.  It can’t replace the feeling of being wanted and desired by your husband.  It can’t replace the feeling of hands, lips, and tongue on your body.  It just can’t.

One of the problems we have, as women, is that we aren’t in the mood.  And we often don’t feel that desire to have sex unless we are aroused first, which is normal and why I tell women to be willing to at least try to get in the mood, because desire is often born out of arousal.  So if you need some arousal first, go upstairs, use the vibrator for a little bit to get aroused.  Use this time as some self-care time, where you can get in touch with yourself as a woman.  Once you get good at using a vibrator, you can get aroused pretty quickly.  This will lower inhibitions and you can go downstairs, already turned on, and seduce your husband.  Or at least let him know that you are ready for some fun together.

If you are considering introducing a vibrator or another sex toy into your relationship, I suggest having a conversation about it first.  So many times, especially from women, I hear that sex is such a power struggle.  So I don’t think it’s a good idea for a husband to go out and buy one for his wife thinking “this will fix all of our problems” without a conversation.  Just like I don’t think a wife should buy one without a conversation about it either.  Letting your partner know why you want it, how you feel, assuring him it won’t replace him, etc.  And if you are a husband buying it for a wife, once it comes, get it charged up, take the kids out of the house for a couple of hours so that she can be alone to experiment.

Let’s talk about how you should use a vibrator for the first time, ladies.  When your husband has taken the kids out of the house so that you can have some time alone, I want you to do something that relaxes you.  There can be a lot of anxiety about using a vibrator for the first time, so make sure you are relaxed.  Then, lay in your bed, turn it on and use it on yourself with some sort of barrier first.  A blanket or a sheet works well.  This is just so you can get used to the vibrations first.  You want to start by putting it on your mons.  This is the fatty area above the vulva over the pubic bone.  Now, this area is still stimulating the clitoris in an indirect way, so start there.  Even with a vibrator, you can’t become aroused unless you let your mind go.  Drop all the judgments.  Drop all the fear and anxiety.  This is just about you being present with your body and the sensations that you feel.  There are no expectations.  Relax and breathe.  Start thinking about something sexy.  Something erotic.  A fantasy that you have.  Your husband.  How you want to be touched.  Where you want to be touched.  You can read a sexy book or watch a romantic movie.  I found this great new app called Dipsea and it has sexy audio stories.  You can choose what sounds arousing to you and how dirty you want it to be.  But you need something like that to focus your mind on.  As you get more aroused, progressively bring the vibrator closer to your body through the sheet, through just your underwear, then your bare skin. Then progressively closer to the clitoris.  You may want a lubricant.  Most vibrators don’t create a lot of friction, so it’s up to you, but it can be more pleasurable with lube.  So if you want to use one, make sure you use a good lubricant.  You can check out Episode 96 for my favorites.  Understand that using the vibrator can still take a long time at first.  Maybe 45 minutes.  And you have to keep your mind engaged that whole time.   Many women, who have been in childbirth, the right side of the clitoris tends to have more intensity than the left side.  From childbirth, a lot of women have injuries and the way that most babies come out can damage the left side of your nerves.  So, the right side is often better.  This is true for about 70% of all women.  So figure out what feels good for you and keep at it.  If it doesn’t work, try again another day.  And keep trying until it does, making sure your body and your mind are relaxed.  And if you are still having problems, come see me.

If you’ve just used the vibrator alone, to introduce it in a situation with the two of you, if you have anxiety about it, you can just have it sitting out.  Let your partner know what you want him to do while you use it.  Let him know you want him to be part of the experience.  Men get really aroused by watching their wives get aroused, so it can be a really great thing for both of you.  But you can also use it for the first few times in the dark, under the covers, while he touches you and supports you through it.  Then as your comfort level grows, you can be more open and have more fun with it.

Sex should be fun.  It should be joyful.  Even if it’s a quickie before falling asleep or getting up in the morning.  It can still be fun.  Sex can be so connecting. So if you want to make sex more connecting for you and your spouse, make sure you have the right tools.   I think every couple should have one.   A vibrator is just one of the things you have at the ready, like lube, with every sexual encounter to help enhance the experience, the joy, and bring you closer together.

If you are worried about purchasing a vibrator online, from every single place I have ordered they have come in very discreet packaging.  Even the name of the company it comes from is discreet.  And, if you order off of Amazon, it comes discreet and Amazon is actually really good about it. if you order a sex toy from them it doesn’t start showing up in your feed and stuff.  So it really is discreet.

A question I often get is where do you keep all these sex toys you own Amanda?  And to be honest, I just keep them in my nightstand…although it is getting a little full with all the research I’ve been doing.  Now, I will caveat this by saying that my children are older, they are 12-21, and so we have a “no kids in the bedroom” policy.  They really don’t come into my bedroom, at least that I know of.  But if they do and want to snoop, they are going to see it all.  And I’m not ashamed of that.  We are very open about sex in our house.  So, I don’t have a problem having them in my nightstand.  But I do know of many couples who put their toys in a locked box by the bed, under the bed, or in a closet or drawer.  And you can totally do that if you are more comfortable.  But remember, we often think we need to protect our children from sex, and we really don’t.  It’s a normal, healthy part of a marriage and the more kids can understand that the less shame they will feel about their own sexuality.  I don’t care if my kids know that I have a vibrator…many vibrators actually.  And most likely I will give my children vibrators for wedding and shower gifts.

You can find links to my favorite vibrators on the resources page of my website.