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It’s been 3-1/2 years since I discussed Anal Sex here on the podcast, and I thought it was time to revisit this important topic.  Sometimes things get buried deep in the archives and newer listeners don’t go back and listen. I’ve also been getting quite a few questions and DM’s about it again lately, so I thought I would take this time to talk about this again.

Anal sex is often intriguing for many couples, and while there seems to be quite a bit of desire to do it from one or both partners, there’s often a reluctance, which is understandable.  So whether you’re a curious individual or a couple looking to add something new to your repertoire, this episode will guide you through the ins and outs of anal pleasure, focusing on safety and enjoyment.

Before we dive into it, let’s talk about pressure.  I understand that wanting to try something new in the bedroom can seem fun and exciting to some and for others it can seem scary and anxiety producing.  Pressuring or coercing a partner into any sexual activity is not acceptable and can lead to negative consequences within the relationship.  Anything after a “no” is considered coercion and is no longer considered a consensual activity.  Consent must be freely given, informed, enthusiastic, and revocable at any point. Pressuring a partner can damage trust, safety and communication within the relationship. It creates an environment where one partner feels disregarded, leading to potential resentment and emotional distance. So let’s avoid that.  We want to engage in behavior that creates trust, safety, and communication.  So if one partner says no, listen.  It is absolutely ok to be curious so that you can understand their perspective, but not as a way to convince them or manipulate them.  You can see if they are open to working through solutions or not.  But a no is a no and that needs to be honored.

So now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, why do people want to engage in anal sex?  For some individuals, anal stimulation can lead to intense pleasure and orgasms due to the proximity of the pelvic nerves. It can also be a way to explore power dynamics and enhance intimacy within a trusting relationship. However, it’s crucial to note that everyone’s preferences are different, and communication with your partner is key.

While some find the idea or the experience of anal play exciting, others feel discomfort, resistance, or aversion to this particular sexual activity. It’s essential to recognize and respect diverse perspectives. Here are some common reasons why some people may be against or grossed out by anal sex:

1 Cultural and Religious Beliefs: As we have discussed multiple times here on the podcast, cultural and religious backgrounds can strongly influence individuals’ beliefs and attitudes toward sex. Some cultures or religious teachings may consider certain sexual practices, including anal sex, as taboo or morally objectionable. Many believe this within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  And while there is nothing that doctrinally precludes anal sex, many have been influenced by culture thinking it isn’t ok.

2 Social Conditioning and Norms: Societal norms and expectations regarding sexual behavior play a significant role in shaping individual attitudes. Some people may feel discomfort due to societal messages, taboos, or the influence of peers and media that might stigmatize or sensationalize anal sex.

3 Lack of Exposure or Education: Limited exposure or lack of comprehensive sex education can contribute to misconceptions and discomfort. Individuals who haven’t received accurate information about anatomy, pleasure, and consent may find the idea of anal sex unfamiliar or intimidating.

4 Physical Discomfort or Pain: The potential for physical discomfort or pain during anal sex is a common concern. The anus lacks the natural lubrication that the vagina has, and the muscles are tighter, making the experience challenging for some individuals. Fear of pain can be a significant factor in people’s aversion.

5 Hygiene Concerns: Some people may associate anal play with hygiene concerns, fearing that it may be unclean or unsanitary. Proper hygiene practices and communication can help address these concerns, but they may still contribute to aversion.

6 Emotional and Psychological Factors: Emotional and psychological factors, such as past negative experiences or trauma, can impact someone’s comfort level with different sexual activities. If an individual has had a traumatic experience related to anal play or feels vulnerable, they may be against it.

7 Personal Preferences and Boundaries: Every individual has unique preferences and boundaries when it comes to sex. Some may simply not enjoy the sensations associated with anal play or find other sexual activities more appealing.

It’s important to note that everyone is entitled to their own comfort levels and boundaries when it comes to sexual activities. Respecting and communicating openly with partners about desires and limits is crucial for maintaining a healthy and consensual sexual relationship. If there are concerns or discomfort, having open, non-judgmental conversations with each other or discussing with a coach or therapist can be helpful.

So, if you decide together and agree that anal sex is something you want to add to your repertoire, what do you need to know?  You need to know that anal sex requires patience, communication, and preparation. It’s crucial to use plenty of water-based or silicone-based lubricant (and there are some specifically formulated for anal) to minimize friction and reduce the risk of tears. It’s also important to start slowly and communicate openly with your partner about comfort levels. Now, not everyone may be suitable for anal play. Individuals with certain medical conditions, such as hemorrhoids or anal fissures, may want to avoid it altogether. Always consult with a healthcare professional if you have concerns about your health.

Alright, let’s get into the nitty-gritty with a step-by-step guide to having anal sex safely.

1 Communication: The foundation of any sexual activity is open communication. Discuss your desires, boundaries, and expectations with your partner beforehand.  I think it’s helpful to walk through the whole experience, as much as possible, ahead of time mapping out what the plan is and what you will do if such and such happens.

This is also a really great time to implement the stoplight system that I have talked about in other episodes.  The stoplight system is an easy system to communicate to your partner about where you are.

Green means go, that you are mentally and physically in a good place and are ok to proceed.
Yellow means caution, that you are nearing your threshold physically and/or mentally and we need to back off and slow down.
Red means stop.  That you are at your physical or mental threshold and need to stop immediately, no questions asked.

Check in with your partner throughout the experience.  Where are you?  And even if your partner isn’t checking in with you, you can tell them Green, Yellow, or Red to let them know where you are.

2 Relaxation: Ensure a relaxed environment and engage in activities that help you both unwind. This will make the experience more enjoyable and comfortable.  Take a bath or shower beforehand.  Maybe a massage.  You want to be in a place where you both feel comfortable and relaxed. When our bodies are tense, the sphincter muscles that surround the anus clench, forcing the anus to squeeze itself closed.  When we relax, the sphincter muscles relax too and allow the open of the anus to loosen and open wider.

Relaxation is often counterintuitive to anal penetration.  It’s a sensation that we’re typically not very familiar with as we are used to things coming out instead of going in.  The receiver should be willing and enthusiastic about trying anal play.  While it’s normal to be nervous about trying something new, fear and apprehension are counterproductive to successful anal sex.

3 Lubrication: As mentioned earlier, lubrication is key. Apply a generous amount of water-based or silicone-based lube to both the anus and the penetrating object.

4 Start Small: The anus can be eased into the sexual experience through non-penetration play by rubbing it softly, massaging it with pressure, or licking, sucking, and kissing.  Take your time and communicate with your partner how it feels. 

After the anus is aroused by non-penetrative tactics, start small.  Maybe a lubricated finger, dilator, or butt plug before you try a penis or a dildo.  If you use a butt plug (with lube) make sure it is tapered and has a substantial base.  Many an object has been known to get sucked up in if it doesn’t have a substantial base on it.  Metal or glass plugs have no give, so a lot of times a silicone one is easier.  You can put a condom over it so it doesn’t absorb any smell.

Once penetration has been achieved with a finger, butt plug, dildo or penis, try stimulating other parts of the body like the nipples or clitoris or testicles at the same time.  This can help the body associate anal penetration with sexual pleasure. It may take several sessions to work up to something like a penis or dildo being inserted.  This can take days, weeks, or even months depending on the individuals and comfort level.  Don’t rush it.

5 Use Protection: If engaging in anal intercourse, use a condom to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and protect both partners. Also know that nothing should be inserted in the vagina after being inserted in the anus.

6 Go Slow: Take your time and proceed at a pace that is comfortable for both partners. Listen to your bodies and communicate throughout the experience.  Sometimes it’s easier for the partner who is receiving to be the one to control the depth and speed so that they can adjust it to their comfort level.

7 Hygiene: Practice good hygiene before and after anal play. Showering beforehand can help both partners feel more at ease.  Some couples make sure to empty their bowels ahead of time or use an enema to clean things out.  

So, those are the basics for anal sex and anal play.  Now, I understand this isn’t for everyone.  Some things are just a “no” from the get-go and that is ok.  But I do encourage you that some things might take a few tries to get used to.  Anal sex can definitely be something that is really uncomfortable at first but with more attempts, going slow, and learning, it can become quite pleasurable for both parties.  But, if it is a “no” that is ok too.  And you or your partner may be willing to try it a few times and still decide that it’s not for you and that is ok too.

Alright my friends, that’s all I have for you today.  Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Don’t forget to apply for the couples retreat and send me a voicemail letting me know how this podcast has impacted you.  385-424-1032. See you next week!