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How do you approach sex in your relationship? Is it about getting something from your spouse? Wanting to feel loved and desired? Is it about self-sacrificing and giving something you don’t want to? Is it a chore? Is it an expression of love?  Is it biological, something like you feel you need?  What if you’ve been approaching sex all wrong?  What if that’s the reason why it doesn’t feel fulfilling and connecting? What if even if your intentions are good, and you know it will be a good thing for your marriage, the way you approach it doesn’t work?

Today, I want to talk about a different way to approach sex in your marriage; a more mindful approach that fosters authenticity, self-expression, and love, intimacy, and connection.  

Reflecting on Dating

Let’s start by reflecting on how we approached relationships when we were dating. Many of us probably had a goal in mind: “How can I shape myself so that I can be liked?” We might have been more focused on what we could do to be attractive to our partner, rather than being true to ourselves.  

For example, you might have gone out of your way to watch a sports game with your partner even if you didn’t enjoy it, just to be liked. You were shaping yourself to meet their expectations rather than being honest about your interests.

So, if you’re still approaching your marriage and sex with the goal of being liked or being attractive to your spouse, it might not be working as well as you’d like and can lead to a number of issues that undermine the quality and depth of the relationship. Here are some key consequences and examples of how this can manifest:

1. Lack of True Connection

When you’re focused on being liked or attractive, you end up presenting a version of yourself that isn’t entirely authentic. This can prevent a deep, genuine connection from forming because your partner is relating to a facade rather than your true self.

Example: If you constantly agree with your partner’s opinions and preferences to avoid conflict or to be liked, over time, you might feel unseen and misunderstood. Your partner may think they know you, but they’re really interacting with the version of you that you’ve crafted to be more likable.

I have some clients that experienced this and it rocked their marriage to the core.  In an effort to not rock the boat and to be agreeable, the wife would often go along with whatever her husband wanted.  She would tell him she was happy and he believed her.  But down the road she admitted that she had just been pretending. They didn’t have a true connection because she wasn’t being honest and authentic with him.  

2. Resentment and Burnout

Trying to maintain a facade or constantly striving to meet external expectations can be exhausting. Over time, this can lead to resentment and burnout, as you’re not honoring your own needs and desires.  This is exactly what happened with the previous couple.  She had so much resentment and eventually burned out because it wasn’t authentic.

So, if you are always putting your partner’s needs first and neglect your own, it makes sense that eventually you’ll be filled with resentment and that creates tension in the relationship. 

3. Inauthentic Intimacy

Sexual intimacy can become inauthentic when it’s driven by the desire to be attractive or to please your partner rather than mutual enjoyment and connection. This can lead to a lack of satisfaction and fulfillment in your sexual relationship.

For example, if you’re engaging in sexual activities that you’re not comfortable with or that don’t genuinely excite you, just to keep your partner happy, it can lead to feelings of discomfort and dissatisfaction. This can also create a disconnect, as your partner might not realize that you’re not fully enjoying the experience.

4. Increased Anxiety and Insecurity

When your self-worth is tied to your partner’s approval or attraction, it can lead to increased anxiety and insecurity. You might constantly worry about whether you’re doing enough to be liked or attractive, leading to a lack of confidence and self-esteem.

Example: If you’re always worried about your appearance or whether you’re meeting your partner’s expectations, you might find yourself feeling anxious and insecure in your relationship. This can make it difficult to relax and enjoy the connection with your partner.

5. Stifling Personal Growth

Focusing on being liked and attractive can prevent you from exploring and expressing your true self. This can stifle personal growth and prevent you from discovering your authentic desires and passions.

Example: If you avoid pursuing your own interests or passions because you’re afraid your partner won’t approve, you might miss out on opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment. This can lead to a sense of stagnation and unfulfilled potential.

6. Superficial Relationship Dynamics

Relationships based on superficial qualities rather than genuine connection and compatibility can feel shallow and unsatisfying. This can prevent the relationship from developing a deeper, more meaningful bond.

Example: If your relationship is built on physical attraction or the need for approval, rather than shared values and genuine connection, it might struggle to withstand challenges or grow over time. You might find that you don’t have a strong foundation to rely on during tough times.

Moving Toward Authenticity

In order to approach marriage and sex more honestly, I think it’s important to shift our focus to a more mindful approach. Ask yourself: Who am I? How can I show up in my marriage from a place of authenticity, real self-expression, giving love, and honesty? This is about bringing your true self into your relationship and connecting with your partner on a deeper level.

Example: Instead of pretending to enjoy sports, you might express that you don’t enjoy it but would love to find a common interest or hobby to share. This fosters genuine connection and allows both partners to be themselves.

Clarifying Your Vision

Next, it’s crucial to clarify your own vision of what you want for yourself. Who do you want to be in your marriage and sexual relationship? How do you want to show up? What does that look like long term and day to day? Think about your reasons for this. Your “why” has to be bigger than your “why not.”

Example: You might decide that you want to be a spouse who supports your partner’s career and personal growth. This means showing up every day with encouragement and being a source of strength, rather than competing or feeling threatened by their success.

Also, it’s important to separate out the “shoulds.” What have you been told you should want or who you should be by family, church, and society? Let’s be honest, we’ve all heard these messages, but they may not align with our true selves.  Clarifying this for yourself is important.

To foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship, it’s important to shift your focus from being liked and attractive to being authentic and true to yourself. Here are some steps to take:

1. Self-Reflection: Take time to understand who you are and what you truly want in a relationship. Reflect on your values, interests, and desires.   What do you bring to the table? What do you offer? Take a moment to write a list. For example, you might offer kindness, patience, a sense of humor, or a listening ear. How can you make someone else’s life better? Aligning with your integrity means acting in ways that reflect your true values and principles.
2. Honest Communication: Share your true thoughts and feelings with your partner.  Being willing to share these even in the face of invalidation.  You aren’t sharing this to get their approval but because you are being honest with them about who you are.   This can help build a deeper connection and foster mutual understanding.
3. Set Boundaries: Learn to say no and set boundaries that honor your needs and well-being. Don’t do things that you truly don’t want to do to manage your spouse.  This can prevent burnout and resentment.
4. Seek Mutual Enjoyment: Focus on mutual enjoyment and connection in your sexual relationship. Communicate openly about your desires and listen to your partner’s as well.
5. Build Self-Worth: Work on building your self-worth and confidence independent of your partner’s approval. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself and reinforce your value.

Example: Let’s say you love dancing, but your partner isn’t interested. Instead of giving up dancing to spend more time with your partner, you might continue to take dance classes and share your experiences with your partner. This allows you to stay true to yourself while also inviting your partner into your world in an authentic way.

The Law of Love

This brings us to the Law of Love.  Former football star, Steve Young wrote a great book on the subject. I’d like to read just a small excerpt from that book that I think applies here.  He said “God had to write down the Ten Commandments in the second set of stone tablets because the children of Israel were not ready to live the higher law.  But it was never meant to stay that way.  The “carnal commandments” were God’s temporary plan.  That’s the lower law, the preparatory path.  If the children of Israel had been ready to live the higher law of love on the finishing path, God wouldn’t have had to tell them not to kill people.  They already would have known not to kill people.  God wouldn’t have had to tell them not to steal.  They already would have known not to steal or covet or cheat on their spouses

God draws us in on the transactional track because it’s foundational, preparatory.  Whenever we are ready, God pulls us toward the finishing track to attain the full measure of our creation – not just to grow and improve incrementally by staying on the preparatory/transactional track, but breaking through to a brighter new reality.  The law of love is a superior extension or higher level of the law of obedience, not in opposition to it.  It draws obedience and all laws to it with a gravitational pull as a loving invitation, leading us to the next step on the finishing.” (close quote).

In the early stages of relationships, most are not ready to live the higher law.  It’s more transactional.  And many people never move beyond that.  But, in order to have a more loving authentic marriage, we need to move from the transactional to a more loving way.  A higher way.  When faced with any situation in your marriage, ask yourself: What does love look like here? What does love call for? Am I giving love freely without expecting something in return? Or am I more focused on whether my partner is loving me?

Example: Imagine your spouse has had a tough day with the kids. The transactional approach might lead you to think, “If I comfort them, maybe they’ll be in a better mood and we can have sex tonight.” But the mindful loving approach asks, “What does love look like in this situation?” Maybe it means just being there for them, offering a listening ear, and not expecting anything in return. This is giving love freely.  This is the higher law.

Transforming Sexual Relationships

How can all of what we discussed here today change your marriage and your sexual relationship?  Imagine approaching sex not as a transaction but as an opportunity to connect deeply with your spouse. When you bring your authentic self to the relationship, it fosters a safe space for both you and your partner to be vulnerable and honest. This can lead to a more fulfilling and intimate sexual relationship.

Example: If you’ve always felt pressured to initiate sex because you think it’s expected of you, shifting to a mindset of “How can I express love and intimacy genuinely?” can change the dynamic. Maybe instead of initiating sex out of obligation, you find joy in small, intimate gestures that build connection throughout the day, leading to more meaningful and enjoyable intimacy when it does happen.

Conclusion

Taking a mindful approach to your marriage and sexual relationship means focusing on authenticity, love, and self-expression. It involves asking the right questions, clarifying your vision, and building a positive self-concept. By doing this, you can transform not only your sexual relationship but also the overall dynamic of your marriage.

Thank you for joining me today on Sex for Saints. I hope this episode has given you some new insights and practical steps to take. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected.