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Have you ever felt like your spouse—specifically the one who desires sex less often—holds all the control in your sexual relationship? Perhaps you’re the one who wants sex more, feeling like you’re constantly waiting, hoping, or even pleading for them to say “yes.” Alternatively, maybe you’re the one who wants it less, and it seems like your spouse is always watching you expectantly, leaving you feeling guilty, pressured, or even annoyed.

If sex in your marriage feels like a power struggle, something needs to change. Today, we’re going to break down why the lower-desire partner often dictates the frequency of sex, what responsibilities come with that role, how the higher-desire partner can shift their mindset to feel more empowered, and ultimately, how to build a sexual partnership instead of a power dynamic.

Why Does the Lower-Desire Partner Control Sex?

At first glance, it seems obvious that sex can’t happen unless both partners agree, making the person who wants it less the one who determines when, if, and how it happens. However, let’s delve a little deeper. This situation is not a result of intentional control, where one partner might say, “I’m going to withhold sex to gain power.” In many cases, the lower-desire partner doesn’t even want to be in that position; they simply find themselves there because of the complexities of human motivation and relationships.

To illustrate, consider a non-sexual example: Imagine one spouse loves attending social events, while the other is more of a homebody. The social spouse may want to go out every weekend, but the homebody prefers quiet evenings at home. Ultimately, how often do they go out? It is only as often as the homebody agrees to go. This scenario highlights how preferences naturally influence decisions in a relationship, much like how sexual desire impacts intimacy. The lower-desire partner often inadvertently dictates the frequency of sex, not out of a desire to deprive their spouse but rather because that’s simply where they land without effective communication.

The Comfort and Pressure of Being the Lower-Desire Partner

Being the lower-desire partner can feel comfortable in many ways. You’re the one being pursued, which can feel validating and even romantic. You don’t have to put in much effort to receive love and attention, and you get to decide when sex happens, so you never feel pressured to engage when you don’t want to. For some, this role feels safe; they enjoy the benefits of being wanted without necessarily stepping into the vulnerability of wanting themselves.

However, this dynamic often comes with a heavy burden. Many lower-desire partners express feelings of guilt for not wanting sex as much as their spouse or wishing they could want it more to make their partner happy. Some even feel the weight of being the one who has to constantly say “no” or fix what they perceive as a problem. While it may appear that the lower-desire partner holds control, many don’t want that responsibility, leading to feelings of pressure rather than empowerment. It can be likened to being in charge of deciding where to eat every night when you don’t have a strong preference; each time you say “I don’t know,” your spouse’s frustration grows, which can feel uncomfortable and burdensome.

What Happens When Positions Flip?

After years of being the lower-desire partner, you may experience a shift where your desire levels change. Common reasons for this shift can include hormonal changes—such as those occurring during pregnancy, postpartum, or menopause—emotional growth that sparks newfound curiosity for sex, or even external factors like children growing older, which can create more mental space for desire. Sometimes, it can be as simple as a partner working on their confidence, making them feel more attractive to the other.

When a reversal occurs, it can be eye-opening for both partners. For instance, let’s say Sarah was always the lower-desire partner in her marriage. She enjoyed sex, but it was never at the forefront of her mind. After years of self-development work and a newfound appreciation for her body, she started to crave more sexual connection. But suddenly, her husband—who had once been the one pursuing her—wasn’t as engaged. He might be stressed from work, dealing with aging parents, or simply not used to being in the position of the lower-desire partner.

This role reversal can lead to shock and confusion. For years, Sarah had assumed that wanting sex was easy, but now she was realizing that rejection hurts. These moments can create either resentment or understanding, depending on how the couple navigates this change.

Why Are We All So Obsessed with Control?

The truth is, control isn’t even real. While we often like to think we’re in control of our relationships, circumstances, and even our own desires, control is merely a comforting illusion we use to avoid discomfort. We can’t control our spouse’s desire, how often they initiate, or even our own desire, which fluctuates based on hormones, emotions, stress, and various life circumstances. Instead, what we can control is how we respond to these dynamics.  You get to decide how your spouse not wanting sex influences how you feel about yourself and your marriage. 

Instead of trying to control sex in your marriage, consider focusing on co-creating a fulfilling experience together. This perspective shift can be incredibly freeing. Great sex isn’t about control; it’s about connection.

How the Higher-Desire Partner Can Shift Their Mindset

If you’re the higher-desire partner, it’s easy to feel powerless in the dynamic. However, you are not entirely powerless. There are ways to reclaim your sense of agency without feeling resentment toward your spouse.

First, it’s essential to stop viewing sex as something your partner grants you. If you perceive your spouse as the gatekeeper while you feel like a beggar, frustration will inevitably arise. Instead, approach sex as a collaborative part of your marriage. Ask yourself reflective questions like: Am I creating a space where my partner feels emotionally safe and connected? Am I making sex enjoyable for them, or is it mostly about my own pleasure? Have I taken the pressure off sex so my partner has room to want it rather than feeling obligated?

Additionally, it’s crucial to develop your own sexual identity. Your sexuality isn’t just about your spouse; it’s about you, too. Take time to explore what truly turns you on. Are you confident and expressive in your own sensuality? Are you showing up in the relationship as someone who is attractive—not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally? When you take ownership of your sexuality, you stop relying entirely on your spouse to dictate your fulfillment.

A Partnership, Not a Power Struggle

Rather than viewing the lower-desire partner as the one in control and the higher-desire partner as the one waiting for permission, consider reframing the entire dynamic. The lower-desire partner can step into curiosity instead of avoidance, while the higher-desire partner can embrace self-awareness and self-validation rather than frustration.

When both partners shift their perspectives, sex stops being about power and becomes instead about pleasure, connection, and shared experience. So, what’s one small thing you can do today to start shifting this dynamic in your marriage? Perhaps it’s initiating a conversation, engaging in self-reflection, or even dropping the power struggle altogether.

When sex ceases to be about control, it transforms into something far more fulfilling—an experience you both create together.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.