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You’ve probably heard it—or maybe even said it yourself:

“Our marriage is great… except for the sex.”

It sounds like a small footnote. Like something that’s slightly off, but not a big deal. “We love each other. We’re best friends. We rarely fight. We parent well together. We’re a team… we just don’t have a great sex life.”

And while that may seem like just one little piece that’s missing from an otherwise solid relationship, here’s the truth:

If sex is off, something else usually is too.

Sex is rarely the only issue. It’s just the most obvious place where other things are being revealed. Think of it like a pressure valve. When deeper emotional, relational, or even spiritual issues go unspoken or unresolved, they often show up in the bedroom. And when couples say “everything’s great except for sex,” what they often mean is: “We haven’t gone deep enough to see what’s really going on.”

So today, we’re going to talk about that. Why this phrase is often a red flag disguised as a compliment. What’s usually underneath that sexual disconnect. And how you can begin to rebuild something richer—not just in the bedroom, but throughout your entire relationship.

Why Sex Isn’t Just a Side Issue

It’s so easy to think of sex as a separate category. Like it’s one department of your marriage, and the others are working just fine.

But sex is never just about bodies. It’s about connection. Vulnerability. Power. Communication. Selfhood. Emotional presence. Trust.

So if sex is struggling, it’s not just a “low libido” issue or a “technique” problem. It’s often revealing something deeper.

Let me give you an example.

A couple comes into coaching—let’s call them Rachel and Jared.
They say, “We get along great, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. It just doesn’t feel important. We’re busy. We’re tired. But we’re still really close.”

But as we start to talk, it turns out they don’t have real emotional conversations. They avoid conflict. They parent well together and function well as a team—but they rarely express desire, frustration, or personal longing.

They don’t argue because they’ve both agreed—without saying it—that peace is safer than depth.

But sex requires depth. It requires emotional exposure. If you never fight, you’re probably also never really risking. And sex without risk or passion becomes flat. Or disappears entirely.

So what looks like “just a sexual issue” is really a deeper emotional disconnection.

What Might Be Going On Underneath

Let’s look at the most common dynamics that show up underneath the “everything’s great except” statement—and how they tend to show up in sexual patterns.

1. Emotional Avoidance Dressed Up as Peace

Many couples have learned to avoid conflict at all costs. They’re polite. They don’t ruffle feathers. But underneath the niceness is a fear of being fully known.

And if you’re afraid to bring your full emotional self into the relationship, it’s going to feel nearly impossible to bring your full sexual self into the bedroom.

Great sex doesn’t grow out of emotional avoidance. It grows out of emotional risk.

2. Power Imbalances That Seem Subtle but Run Deep

Let’s take another couple—Mark and Lacey.

Mark is easygoing but likes control. He decides most of their schedule, he leads family decisions, and she tends to “go with the flow.” She says she doesn’t mind.

But in bed, that same dynamic plays out. He initiates. He sets the pace. He even chooses the positions and rhythm. She participates, but never leads. And over time, sex starts to feel like something done to her, not with her.

She isn’t unhappy. But she’s disconnected.

Sex reflects the power dynamic of the relationship. And even when everything “looks” balanced, subtle imbalances can leave one partner emotionally and sexually unseen.

3. Unspoken Resentment

One of the biggest silent killers of a sex life? Resentment.

Maybe a wife is carrying the emotional and physical labor of raising the kids, managing the home, and coordinating everyone’s schedules. Her husband works hard too—but she doesn’t feel fully seen.

So when he initiates sex, even gently, her body tightens. She doesn’t feel connected—she feels used. Even though he’s not trying to hurt her, she feels that tension inside: “Why should I give more when I already give so much?”

Or maybe it’s the husband who feels dismissed. He’s tried initiating in the past but got turned down often. Now, he feels unwanted. So he stops asking. He stops trying. And inside, he wonders, “Am I even desirable to her anymore?”

These unspoken hurts build emotional walls. And those walls don’t just block connection—they shut down sexual energy.

4. Sexual Shame That Was Never Healed

Many couples bring shame into their marriage, whether from purity culture, past experiences, trauma, or silence around sex growing up.

A woman might believe that “good girls don’t want sex.” So even if she loves her husband, she struggles to access her desire.

A man might believe that “real men are always ready and confident.” So if he experiences performance anxiety or loses an erection, he spirals into shame and withdrawal.

When shame is in the room, pleasure has a hard time staying.

And it’s easy to believe that if we love each other enough, sex will just work itself out. But love alone doesn’t heal shame. We have to intentionally confront it.

5. A Lost Sense of Self

Especially for couples deep in parenting or decades into marriage, it’s easy to lose track of your own sexual identity.

You’re partners, parents, teammates—but you’re not lovers anymore. Not because you don’t love each other, but because you’ve lost contact with your own pleasure, your own body, your own desires.

I remember a woman named Elise who said, “I’ve spent the last 18 years being a mom. I don’t even know what turns me on anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

That’s not about technique. That’s about selfhood. And rediscovering that part of yourself is part of the path to rediscovering each other.

What You Can Do About It

If this sounds like your marriage, you’re not alone. But here’s the good news: this isn’t the end of the story. This is an invitation to go deeper.

1. Stop Seeing Sex as a Separate Issue

Stop treating sex like it’s its own isolated problem. It’s not. It’s a mirror of the emotional, mental, and spiritual life of your relationship.

If sex is off, ask:

• Where are we avoiding real conversations?
• Where am I not showing up fully in this relationship?
• What needs or desires have gone unspoken?

The more honest you get, the more possibility opens up.

2. Have the Courageous Conversations

This isn’t about scheduling sex or trying a new toy. Those things can help, but they won’t fix what’s foundational.

Talk about the deeper things:

• “I don’t feel seen in our day-to-day life.”
• “I want to feel wanted, not just needed.”
• “I want to rediscover pleasure, but I need space to do it slowly.”
• “I feel like I’ve lost myself and I want to find my way back.”

These conversations are vulnerable—but they are also sacred.

3. Rebuild Emotional Connection on Purpose

Start with non-sexual touch. Start with real conversations. Start with presence. The deeper the emotional connection, the easier it is for sexual desire to emerge naturally.

Ask each other:

• When did we feel the most connected?
• What are we avoiding right now?
• What do you wish I knew about your relationship with sex?

4. Do Your Own Internal Work

Whether it’s journaling, therapy, coaching, or just being honest with yourself—it starts with you.

• Where am I holding shame?
• Where have I stopped caring for my body or tuning in to my desires?
• Where am I waiting for my spouse to change before I show up differently?

When you take responsibility for your own growth, you change the relationship—no matter what your spouse is doing.

When couples say “Our marriage is great except for sex,” what they often mean is:

• We’re kind to each other, but not vulnerable.
• We’re partners, but not fully known.
• We’ve avoided pain, but also passion.
• We’ve built peace, but lost the fire.

But you can have both.
You can have kindness and passion.
Safety and heat.
Friendship and eroticism.

It starts by telling the truth.
It grows through courage.
And it’s sustained by choosing to see sex not as a bonus—but as a barometer.

You don’t have to settle for a marriage that’s “great except.”
You can build a marriage that is great through and through—because it’s honest, alive, and whole.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.